The person being a drug idea has always felt odd to me. I specialize in attachment disorders of kids so there is a reason why we feel a huge sense of loss... because breaking any connection will cause a sense of loss, even an unhealthy one. Young kids who are abused still love the abuser. It is a survival thing.

Another way to look at it is in a healthy child even, if you take a toy away from a toddler and that toddler will feel the loss. The child really did develop 'feelings' for that toy even if the toy was inanimate. Adults really aren't that different except that we put our lives on hold, put up with poor treatment and give too much of ourselves to our human 'dolls'.

I have been in healthy relationships so I know the difference between when someone is there for you and someone is not. When I sorted out in my head who I was and what I wanted from this man, I realized I was NOT getting it or ever going to get it at this point. Breaking any connection was going to be painful. I had to let go of my doll!! :) But he may as well be that because at this point I am getting zero back.

Crumbs vs a 50/50 reciprocal relationship is really what is at heart for ya Steve. How you have been surviving on crumbs for this long is one for the science books but she is your doll. She hasn't given back to you. Nor will she. That is a seperate issue from does she love or not. So what if she does, my cat loves me in his way but if I fall down and no one can feed him he will probably eat my face.

What is LOVE to you Steve? That is the bottom line for any of us. What we will and will not put up with and at what cost.

:a108:

That is a disturbing visual. ROTFLMAO!!

Maybe 'blankie' is more appropro. My kid gets traumatized and pissed when his 'blankie' is unavailable at bed time. It's ok if your five, but as an adult, that's a pretty unhealthy attachment.

And his 'blankie' hasn't ever broken a promise or lied or used him or cheated or treated him like garbage. It just lays there. And occasionally I take it away to wash it.

My sister would hide my blankie when I was a small child. I wailed until my mom turned the house over to find it. While my sister stood in the background snickering.

I remember feeling just besides myself that my love object was torn away from me. Interestingly that feeling wasn't that much different then when the RABF trotted off to rehab. Go figure.

OH and look at that pic in your profile Kitty Kitty, that is the expression of a killer :)

maybe blankie and equating this as five year old is not appropriate, as i am not pissed about not having an innanimate object to hold hold while i fall asleep.

maybe i was getting only crumbs, but unlike a blanket, my "doll" did engage me, how was work? what did you do at work today? how about i make this or that for dinner?

on the other hand- true my "doll" lied, stole etc etc.

i will not question about my relationship being unhealthy, but it is far from the same thing as a kid not getting his blanket.

as for the crumbs, i get what you mean about me surviving off so few crumbs, but i am sure others have survived longer on less.

I don't think it has anything to do with blankies or dolls or anything like that. It has to do with the fact that you refuse to accept the fact that the two of you are not going to be together. She is not interested in you in that way, regardless of what she says. She moved away from you and reduced communication with you. Good God, do you need a house to fall on you?? She is not interested. You have served your purpose and she has, for all intents and purposes, moved on. You may hear from her occasionally, but it will only be to see if you're still out there on the string in case she might need something. Don't be there. Change your phone number.

Sorry to be so blunt, but Good God! Wake up and smell the freaking coffee!!

abundance-

thanks you. all helpful. i have read the books the passages were from but it was helpful to see them isolated here.

suki-

maybe a rancher, not one of those giant mansions. yes, she moved away and yes she has cut most communication. normally i would take that for waht it is. i wrote somewhere, maybe not here, that i wasn't sure if her cutting the communication back was due to her moving on or as part of her recovery. she took the opportunuity to get a fre oplace to stay while on methadone. and you may be very well correct that she doesnt need me so she's done with me and is keeping the bait dangling. that is what i wasnt sure of becasue its only been a couple weeks. i guess by the time i figure it out, it wont matter to me any way or i'll just be angry by then.

so yes, she may have basically moved on, and that is what i was fearing. not necessarilly for lossing her, but to have been so taken and naive and all that stuff.

Steve, she isn't even keeping the bait dangling. YOU ARE. She isn't communicating with you because she doesn't want to. You have no idea if she's still using or not. You know nothing because she hasn't communicated with you. Go ahead and get mad! You should. You have been used. I know this sounds so mean, but you really need to see the words I think many people have felt needed to be said. So, I'll say them because I'm not always known for my tact anyway. :tongue:

You are not allowing yourself to see what it clearly visible to most of the rest of us. Where she is concerned, you make yourself believe the best even when it is obvious that she is just not interested in ending up with the two of you as a couple. I have my doubts that she's really working on recovery, but, just like you, I don't know that for sure. But the fact that she's pretty much cut off communication and moved away says a lot, and not that she's working on recovery.

i guess all i wanted to know was weather or not her cutting bach communication was a sign of her moving on or part of her working on herself. i jsut wanted to try to figure out which direction to go. i am ok, with this all ending. as days and weeks pass, i'll get back to normal and be ok. deep deep down inside i know we dont work.

Go the direction that is best for YOU. Don't let someone else call the shots for YOUR life. You only get one of those, so don't waste it on something that you know in your heart will never be. You deserve better, but you're letting better pass by because you are clinging onto something that you THINK you want.

suki-

the problem is that its not so obvious to me. the moving is because she got a free place to stay. as far as i know talking to the roommate, she is only allowed to stay while on methadone. and in therapy. she's told me about the therapy and says she really likes it. could she be working toward a future together, i guess it can go either way.

but yes, i am clinging on to something that i want to be, i am clinging to the person i believe she can be.

i beleive too much too easily. so i allow myself to believe that somoen can love you but need space for themself. recovery from addiction is one thing, but she has many other things she needs to address, so i can undertstand her wanting or needing space or to not be in something.

iguess overall, with distance,i may be ableto see this was all toxic and i'll try to only look for healthy next round. i guees with that, i dont wantto give up on her, if she warrants it.

i guessthere is nothing i can do about the situatiuon with her anyway. so i need to just get back to living my life. nothing i can do tonight, but go hoem from work and chill.

i just haveto let things be. i'm sure i'll hear from her one day and bythen, who knows...

Moving on or working on herself...Either way she isn't where you'd like her to be. You can never know what someone else is thinking, only how they act on those feelings.

When we don't know the answers we are left filling the blanks but after doing that, I realized that was still me not accepting reality. That part has nothing to do with the other person, it is about us.

Letting go is hard. It is a process but it actually comes with benefits to us, not a loss. Once I accepted the loss, my value in myself went UP, not down. The value in the other person really didn't change for me, I can care about someone from a distance.

I know you are afraid to let go, as was I but letting go really means taking the focus off the person/relationship and putting it back on ourselves. They live their life, you live yours.

The more complicated we make things, the harder it is. That is why I like to draw simplistic analogies (like blankets) because it takes away the power the person has over my emotions. Works for me!

an interesting thing is that i have beed exploring the codependent aspect of myself, but through a link from abundance, i read about counterdependence---bingo!

in a relationship, it said, the counterdependent can become codependent, esopecially with another counterdependent. that all makes sense.


i think a part of this is i do nto want to have to aknowledge taht we may be incompatable, /// more to follow... gottas run at work