update
 

i purposely stayed off the board for a while for a couple reasons. 1. i realized as done as i wanted to be, i was only tricking myself into believing it. i was more hoping it would go away than i was making it go away. 2. i think the board became a crutch for me.


i am in a weird place again. over the past couple months, while i had contact with her, all i could think about was being alone again, not dealing with her, and having my life back. now that i have had some of that, i find that i miss parts of her, including the chaos.


i really thought i could stick it out til the end. this whole last run, goes back a couple months. i have seen her not want to get help and i have seen her want help. i saw her make calls and arrange things. something didn't work out because of her not wanting to go, twice the facility messed up. it became a situation like before, ok, one more week, then that didnt work out, so it was one more week, and so on.


it got to the point where there was arguing and nothing but hostility. that subsided and she arranged a detox. i saw my out and felt i saw it through to the end. but, we got there and she broke down, she wasn't ready. i calmly reminded her of how things would be if she did not go and she understood. we parted exchanging i love yous


its only been a couple weeks and there has been no contact except her leaving a couple messages that she is ok.


so its real this time. and i am just writing because it's a bit odd to want someone to be away for so long but then once it happens to miss them.

but it is spring and i have started my garden and have been taking pictures.

Good for you. I love gardening! Well, I'm not so fond of the digging in the dirt part, but I love growing my own vegetables. Last summer all my tomatoes rotted on the vine because we got no sun all summer long. I've got my fingers crossed that things will be different this year!

.

steve, will you post a picture of something about spring?
i have been waiting and waiting here.
give me hope!

beth

Steve,

That is terrific! I love gardening also. When my AD was at her worst, I found such solace in digging in the dirt. There is something therapeutic about getting my hands (without my garden gloves) in the dirt to plant my annuals in my flower garden. Usually, I am covered with dirt from head to toe. But, oh do I sleep well at night.

Gardening is definitely on my gratitude list!

Hiya Steve!

I have 'plans' to start a vegetable patch in the back yard. I'm also going to rrrrreally try to resume learning the guitar while RABF is doin his thing.

The trick is to fill your life with stuff you can do and accomplish so that we can let go of that helpless feeling.

Good to see you.

bb

i guess i will just put my feelings down on this thread and let it fly. this feeling is helpless and i go back and forth from feeling good to feeling down. when she was staying with me or we were having regular contact i wanted out so badly, but the longer that is happening, other feelings slip in and start to take over. i know there is nothing i can do. i have learned that. but i also know that there is something about her i can't shake. but i remember what it was like being with an addict and it keeps me somewhat grounded. i am struggling wit ha bit of guilt. the past couple months i lost my cool on a daily basis. i fought w her all the time and i became a mean person. i criticized everything about her and feel horrible about that. its hard for me to live with myself for behaving that way.

i know, i haveto keep working on me. i still have that dream that she will get better one day and recover and we can move on, but i realize the odds are against that.

we have parted. she has to find her own way, as do i. just been feeling quite sad recently.

loneliness sucks Steve. I wish and hope you find someone to fill that void in your heart. Someone that will be good for you.

http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f1...owerskjork.gif

i guess it's the reality setting in. i know that this is really it. there is no going back. maybe that is what has thrown me off. before, i guess in the back of my head i knew i'd see or hear from her and i believed in her getting help.

all the while we were together or in contact, i not only thought of being out of the situation, i thought of things i could do, somehow those things seem meaningless. i guess this is the next wave of depression sinking in. i guess i expected her to have called by now. i guess this is all harder than i thought it would be. i thought i would be so happy and relieved to have a break from her, but i find myself worrying again and missing her (the sober her).

Steve, you can either continue to hold onto hope for this situation, which we all know is a test in futillity, or you can let it go and move on with your life. This has been going on long enough, and there have been enough setbacks that everyone here can see that you are causing your own problems with this situation.

Everyone is asking that you post more about YOU and what YOU are doing for YOURSELF. Tell us more about your garden and post some pictures. :)

"never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do" ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234

((Steve))

My friend - I believe you are still in a place of grief and healing but I do believe as you continue your path - it will get better, you will heal and you will find happiness, serenity and peace.

Look how far you have already come in your walk ~ you have gained so much, please don't give up now!!

Enjoy the garden, enjoy the peace ~ enjoy the fruits of your recovery labor ~ you deserve it!

PINK HUGS to you!
Rita

i guess i keep believing her words. the last time we spent any time together, she had another detox set up. we arrived and she broke down in tears saying she wasn't ready, that she loved me as much as she can love someone but that the drugs are winning, she said she wants to get clean, wants a normal life again, but was not ready to commit. i accepted that. i said that that means we cannot go back to the chaos, she can not stay again, or hang out, and that i would not be there to give rides or save her from any situations. she cried and said she understood,that she wanted me to take my life back and was sorry for all she did to me but really loves me.

so, i get stuck believing that. and i did expect to hear from her sooner. my sober thought is that if you love some one you check in. so she is either "working" or staying w someone and feels ashamed to call or since there is nothing to get from me, she doesn't bother to call.

i tried uploading some photos but i am not having luck

Attachment 15998

if this works, this is one of the buildings that is part of one of hte abandoned asylums i frequent

Wow! Steve, I challenge you to take close ups of what fascinates you with this building, what speaks to you.

This poem was found written on the wall in Danvers Asylum. It's been my favorite since.

The Garden of Proserpine (1866)
by Algernon Charles Swinburne

Here, where the world is quiet,
Here, where all trouble seems
Dead winds' and spent waves' riot
In doubtful dreams of dreams;
I watch the green field growing
For reaping folk and sowing,
For harvest-time and mowing,
A sleepy world of streams.

I am tired of tears and laughter,
And men that laugh and weep
Of what may come hereafter
For men that sow to reap:
I am weary of days and hours,
Blown buds of barren flowers,
Desires and dreams and powers
And everything but sleep.

Here life has death for neighbour,
And far from eye or ear
Wan waves and wet winds labour,
Weak ships and spirits steer;
They drive adrift, and whither
They wot not who make thither;
But no such winds blow hither,
And no such things grow here.

No growth of moor or coppice,
No heather-flower or vine,
But bloomless buds of poppies,
Green grapes of Proserpine,
Pale beds of blowing rushes
Where no leaf blooms or blushes,
Save this whereout she crushes
For dead men deadly wine.

Pale, without name or number,
In fruitless fields of corn,
They bow themselves and slumber
All night till light is born;
And like a soul belated,
In hell and heaven unmated,
By cloud and mist abated
Comes out of darkness morn.

Though one were strong as seven,
He too with death shall dwell,
Nor wake with wings in heaven,
Nor weep for pains in hell;
Though one were fair as roses,
His beauty clouds and closes;
And well though love reposes,
In the end it is not well.

Pale, beyond porch and portal,
Crowned with calm leaves she stands
Who gathers all things mortal
With cold immortal hands;
Her languid lips are sweeter
Than love's who fears to greet her
To men that mix and meet her
From many times and lands.

She waits for each and other,
She waits for all men born;
Forgets the earth her mother,
The life of fruits and corn;
And spring and seed and swallow
Take wing for her and follow
Where summer song rings hollow
And flowers are put to scorn.

There go the loves that wither,
The old loves with wearier wings;
And all dead years draw thither,
And all disastrous things;
Dead dreams of days forsaken,
Blind buds that snows have shaken,
Wild leaves that winds have taken,
Red strays of ruined springs.

We are not sure of sorrow,
And joy was never sure;
To-day will die to-morrow;
Time stoops to no man's lure;
And love, grown faint and fretful,
With lips but half regretful
Sighs, and with eyes forgetful
Weeps that no loves endure.

From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
We thank with brief thanksgiving
Whatever gods may be
That no life lives for ever;
That dead men rise up never;
That even the weariest river
Winds somewhere safe to sea.

Then star nor sun shall waken,
Nor any change of light:
Nor sound of waters shaken,
Nor any sound or sight:
Nor wintry leaves nor vernal,
Nor days nor things diurnal;
Only the sleep eternal
In an eternal night.

Abandoned Asylums

Gray Photography

chino-
no need to challenge me on that one, i've been inside many of these places and have thousands of photos. subjects are from the obvious such as beds, gurneys etc to the colors and patterns of paint peeling and rust. i cant figure out how to get on of my folders attached to provide a wider range.

i am on a scouting mission for anther one it is HUGE but heavily policed. i need to stake it out one more time, then do my predawn missin to slip in and stay for a couple days. i cant risk leaving and tryingto get back in. this one will be the most covert yet. the complex if huge. the only on bigger is the pentegon- that is single frame. because its so heavily guarded there have not been a ton of people inside it. so it is undisturbed. built back the the 1800s and closed in early 1980s. good chance i'll get popped but better for this than a drug run (i never told those stories yet).

kiki-
great link. looks like my stuff! but a touch better

great poem too.

i havent got into danvers yet. only the main building still stands.
its not too far from me, but there other other places to get into first. i have list. its fascinating to me how many people do this sort of thing. years ago when i started i had no idea. i thought it was just some weird reflection of my soul. i get near anxiety looking at other peoples pics because i want so badly to go to every place. and doing this 10-20 years ago was better because less people were doing it. some places in inner cities were more dangerous then, but so much has been torn down or refurbished. i love decrepit places. junk yars are good becasue they will never get cleaned up, just an open graveyard for old cars.

i went into an old factory from the 1850s yesterday. was pretty good. it was a textile mill. i found a roome that still had the machines in it and they were threaded. like they left work oner day and didnt come back.

I don't know if you ever heard of Willowbrook State School in Staten Island, New York, but I use to live in that part of Staten Island. I remember once going inside, I was fundraising and thought I'd find some buyers in the staff, and what I saw disgusted me I couldn't believe it.

The stories you hear about it is true. Horroble.

Eventually the whole thing was demolished and a Staten Island Community College build on it's place.

Not sure if this has been brought up before but have you ever been seen or treated depression? Sometimes this holding on to negative things is a classic symptom of depression. When we are depressed, we only see the suffering, the pain, the heartache around us and those we love.

We don't allow ourselves to feel happiness if we are depressed because frankly, depressed people use the depression as a comfy blanket. She has almost become that blanket for you (which I've thought is the reason you cannot get beyond this.

Its that chicken or egg thing: are you depressed as a result of the relationship or depressed and the relationship (with all its chaos and ongoing drama) is what you gravitate towards.

As someone who suffers from depression I can tell you that when I am not following my treatment and taking care of myself, I tend to be attracted to negative things. When I do feel good, I want more light in my life, not darkness, pain or chaos.

Wow Steve, is that recovery I am seeing! You sound so great, so possitive, a man with a purpose in life, a man living his life!

Rose

chino and others answered
 

so i have a little time to write -maybe.

chino-
i hope i wasn't short with my answer. i'll be glad to explain what i see. since i was a kid i have been fascinated wit hurban ruins, which led to ruins in general. there are many reasons. it is like stepping into a time machine. when i get into old factories and steel mills its like stepping into history, but in a creepy way. some places look like they left work on night and the place shut down. there are all kinds of artifacts around. but there is something- excuse me for sounding corny here- but there is siomething to those places being a reflection of me. i've not lived a perfectly clean life and had felt my soul being eaten away due to bad habits and such. i see a beauty though in the ruins that connects with me on a deep deep level. the buildings feel alive. it really is something that is hard to put into words. they are like ghosts. i wish i knew how to post more pics.



anvil-i have always been fascinated by this stuff. i think my first things were going to old real factory outlets as a kid in the 70s and feeling how those places and things still felt like the 1880s - 1940s. i spent time with 2 of my great grandmothers so i was introduced to old stuff ata young age. driving through ghettos with my parents going go the zoo or coming back from somewhere. i saw a life that was different than mine. in high school one of the first places i would drive to after getting my license were bad parts of cities. i would just stare in awe at the old row homes and factories. eventually i got the nerve to get out and take pictures, but that wasn't enough as i found myself being lured to get a closer look and go inside.

i've been in old breweries, theaters, hotels, various factories, mansions, amusment parks, hospitals, schools, barns, farm houses, power plants. anything old and abandoned. why have i not shown this side you asked- been to depressed and caught up in other things.


rose-
don't jump the gun. i'm not there yet, maybe just a little. i still have lots of things i am holding on to and tryingto understand. doies she really love me? did she ever? why hasnt she called? then i have to deal with trying not to be concerned with that stuff.


babyblue-
i had stopped taking my anti-depressants for no good reason. that contributed to all the fighting and my losing it every day- which led to my current guilt for losing it with her. i feel bad for acting out that way on someone who has a serious problem. not that i wanted to get walked on instead, but i just feel bad yelling at someone when they are down. i have NEVER fouhgt with a gf like i did w her the past several weeks. i get this fear that she will hate or resent me for it. i shouldn't care. i know. but i do. i should also realize that people do not hate each other because of so,me fighting especially when it comes from a situation like this. as i said above, i am unsettled because i dont know what is true or not. i started my meds again and feel them helping. i still have the fantasy that things CAN be ok. that she can go thru rehab and therapy that we can be ok. i realize how far off that is and unlikely. i haveto get used to thinking that we are separate now

for quit a while all i hoped for was for her to go away to rehab. i thought then i could relax and rebuild my life and after a year or so we could move along with our life plans.

underneath of that placid thought there were ripples starting. i heard too many stories about how the addict goes to rehab and breaks it off with the person who stood by through everything. even though i wanted her to go away, i did not want lose her. i never viewed having her sober as my prize, but just a continuation of how things were supposed to play out.

now everything is upside-down again. she was going to go on methadone and find a job. i still brought up the living situation, so she planned for rehab. she couldn't bring herself to do it. she's now living between a girl she knows inthe hood and guy she met on the streets.

i'll be honest, i do have the fear that she'll start to like this guy. even though just like the last time this happened, it is basically her using someone for a place to stay and money. one of my friends says thats all i was, but im not convinced of that.

i guess the point is that part of us knows that we are better off without the addict and that the addict is better off in a way without us. but it stings to have gone through soooo much only to lose them anyway. we tried to not lose them during the worst of the addiction, even though we really lost them to the drugs, but to have them cut us out, hurts in a different way.

i got what i want. i have her out of my place. i dont get asked for money or rides. there is no negativity, but i really must be a codie or addicted. i miss her nonetheless. she may really be a sociopath or a narcissist, and that may be what overpowers me. i dont know why it is so hard to let her go.

she got hte rest of her stuff today while i was at work- why then? why did she avoid seeing me? is she really done with me? does she not like me at a ll? or is it too hard for her to see me while she's going through this?

i know i am supposed to only worry about me, but i don't know what to think about her. i don't know if i should try to cut all my feelings or just let things unfold from a distance.

I'm getting the feeling that she sees you as a dried up well. Looking for another mr. goodbar, sugar daddy.

kiki-

i realize the possibility of that. it is hard to accept that since we've known each other for years, but i guess it is what it is. i can't try to understand anything while she is in active addiction. a big problem i have is that if she says it, i believe it- even if i dont believe it. sky is green, she says.....hmmm, i guess it is a little greenish. damn i hate this

Steve,

When my AD first started to use, I desperately wanted to believe her. I would say, I leaned 99% towards believing her. Mr. Habit and I wanted to think the best of her. But after 15 years of addiction, I lean 99% towards NOT believing her.

I am so sorry for the pain that you are going through.

But after 15 years of addiction, I lean 99% towards NOT believing her.

this line really struck me and hurt too. 15 years! my cousin has been bad off since she was around 18. she is goiung on 50 now, just got of max security jail after a 3 year stint, and went right back to the life. she and i were close as kids, but of course drifted apart the worse she got. she was like my older sister i never had, but then became the older cousin i really never had. so, it never really hurt me. my ALO has only been at it hard for close to a year. when i read things like 15yrs or think of my cousin at 30+ years, it breaks me up inside. everything is ruined by addicition. nothing will ever be teh same. so many broken families, so much pain and saddness, despair, hope and let down.

i understand that it is addiction. i sometimes understand the pull, but then i get turned upside down- trying to comprehend it all. i did my share of things for years and years, but i am fortunate i guess.

my friend/gf/exgf may be lost forever.
i might be too, but i have to bring myself back.

all the things i wanted to do for myself while she was around seem pointless now, but i haveto have faith that that feeling will change soon. i am goingto take pics this weekend so i at least have that.

Steve, I saw an abandoned school one time in a rural part of NC. I was driving to the ocean and had to stop, take pics. It was very haunting but not scary, just sad. The building was being reclaimed by nature, grass was growing anywhere it could and vines were crawling out the windows and all over the walls. But I felt like I was watching a movie inside my head, and it was full of children and their voices. Then they just faded away.

When I was a teenager, my oldest dearest friend and I used to explore burned down houses. We would imagine which room was where and who the people were, their dreams, their sorrows. Did the dad sit in a wing back chair in front of the now charred fireplace? Or was it a rocking chair? Where did they all go?

Another friend, an old neighbor I knew since we were kids too, is a professional photographer. His favorite subject, not part of his business, are my favorite photos too -- stairs that go nowhere.

You said something about being corny, but here I am thinking gothic romance. Mystery, horror, extreme emotion. It's always been very intriguing to me and I identify with it to some extent.

Nothing ever stopped being upside down. This was the story when you were last posting: her promises, your trying to set boundaries, fear of some guy, her living god knows where.

Her addiction is running (and ruining) your emotional life. Yet she keeps doing what she wants without any regard for you, yes that is what hard core addicts do but from everything you say, I have a feeling that even sober your friend will be the same way.

That is who she is.

She is manipulating you due to her addiction AND what makes it worse is that she is doing so because she is a manipulative person. My hope is that you will one day see that. Because this 'relationship' is toxic on many levels extending beyond addiction.