[QUOTE] Coffeedrinker,

I shall echo what ann said.
my daughter dated her husband for 6years before they married. she was often a bit distraught, saying that he hardly ever said those three words. i reassured her, even tho sometimes I worried about it .
they have been married now for three years. he is such a good man. there is not one time that he does not say "Thanks for cooking dinner, babe".
He gets right up, and starts dishes, and helps 100% with everything they do. i could not have hoped for a better son-in-law. He is a keeper, and she knows it now, and she could not be happier. they just had their first baby,and it is beautiful to see how a family should be. i never was that blessed, man-wise.

so ,as ann said, it is not always what they say, its what they do.

I think you are a smart lady, and know how things should be for a good relationship. I am happy that you have found someone that you enjoy being with so much. time will tell. try not to worry- you rob yourself of the joy of the moment when you do.

hugs,
chicory

[
had a chuckle at this,CP

Sometimes our angst is because we are forcing ourselves to do something that is unnatural.

It's OK not to trust him.

You can give yourself permission to let the trust develop over time, as he grows a track record with you.

Instant trust, even with a good person, really isn't reality-based; trust develops through a track record of behavior - that we learn the behavior is honest, consistent, considerate, etc. We may think a person has these qualities, and therefore that we should trust them, but it's perfectly fine to wait for these qualities to be verified through a track record, before we settle into a trust.

Trust, like love, is an action thing - it's given life through actions. It is only described through words, but actually given life through actions.

There is nothing wrong with keeping an open mind, while the track record builds.

CLMI

I got a hair up mine and decided to revisit this thread today.

THANK YOU, CatLover, for the permission to be uneasy.

You're right, trust must be built, and as much as I wanna be "in love" right now today, and wanna trust this person to the Nth degree, it is simply too soon. It's like wanting a whole bunch of shared history together when you've know each other for three weeks. I mean you would know better than to wish for that!

I had a huge wallop of anxiety yesterday. I fought with it, smoked, tried to push it down, reason with it, everything I could think of, wanting to yet afraid to go to N.I.L.(nickname: "new love interest") with "it".

After a few hours, I texted him: c/m ?

40 seconds later the phone rang. He suffers from anxiety attacks periodically, so I thought if I said "anxiety" he would understand, sort of, even though mine is not certified or anything. He asked me to try and identify it. Oh crap, what was I supposed to say? I have an uneasy feeling in my gut and it has spread to my chest and my heart is racing and I'm afraid and it's all centered around you???

Well, to save all the details, he said some good things and said he'd see me at my meeting later.

I GOT MY 15-YEAR MEDALLION! last night and NLI came and sat next to me for it.

I just wanted more comfort, so I went home with him afterwards.
We talked more, I gave some more hints about my unrest, he talked about trying to live in the today and the Eastern notion of not worrying and not really caring about anything cuz it doesn't really matter, etc. (but ya know, sometimes you just want someone to put their arms around you!)

I could not shake the feeling that he is actually a fraud. That I don't know how he feels about me, and that there is some scary secret that I will only find out after I'm in love with him.

I got nothing from him all morning, which convinced me further that he is not really a very good guy and I don't know if I should stick around just in case or what. But this afternoon, there was an email that said, "How did you feel about our chat last night?" and a phone call on the way home from work, "Just checkin in to see how you're doin....do you feel better?"
Hearing his voice, listening to what he said, accepting his concern for me... well....

Man, am I a schmuck, OR! is he just doing what frauds do?

I know, I know, reading what I just wrote sounds comic. But I am not a LifeTime movie junkie, or generally prone to really bizarre thoughts. Which is what makes it worse!! Is this the infamous "Gut Feeling" that is kicking for a reason that I can't see, or am I just SCARED and trying to be cautious? Like that even works!

Not really looking for answers, cuz I honestly don't think anyone has any. But in light of my panic stint and reading this thread, and seeing Cat Lover's post, I wanted to respond.

Patience, Grasshopper.

Give the poor feller a chance!! Don't judge him until he does do something to warrant it but until then, you will drive yourself bonkers AND risk sabotaging something nice. It is almost like you dont feel you deserve to be with a nice guy? I'm sure he isn't perfect but who is. Let go of expectations and just enjoy what you have NOW.

I am the last one to talk about relaxing when it comes to love so that is why I just wrote what I did. I see myself in you and how I react when someone nice cares about me. I am looking for something, anything to convince me that he is a fraud just so I can say 'a ha!!!' and force an end. Truth is I am just scared to death of feeling things that are actually intense and GOOD. This happens when we experience so much intense and bad stuff. I don't blame you at all for being wary.

No don't trust him unconditionally but if you start to constantly question his sincerity and motives and express so much fear it is how the sabotage begins. It will push him away. If you have to convince someone that you care over and over, it gets tiring and feels like rejection to the person you are constantly questioning. He is going to start to think that what he is doing isnt ever enough and all he gets is anxiety instead of joy. Be happy, show him that you are happy and let it take its natural course.

Coffee-
Do you want some input from me?

yes, still, i sure do.

i am not on very often these days, but i will look for your response.

and, babyblue, i really really appreciate what you had to say. i think you're absolutely correct, and one of the things i said last week when we were "in it" was that i was afraid he would get sick of me. his reply was: "i doubt seriously that i will get sick of you. you know, i think everyone is a little messed up, but i really don't think you're all that messy, and i have a pretty good sense of who you are -- that's why i'm choosing you."

it was thoughtful, sensitive, and reassuring.

and yeah, he said once that it's a little offensive that i seem to often question him, or not "believe" him. he asked how many times in the past five months has he lied to me? (answer: zero, or pretty close to it)

ok, here's another thing:

my therapist was counseling me last week about my spinning. my feelings of inadequacy in the bedroom department, as compared to the string of lovers N.L.I. has had. since the previous "relationship" was with a sexual dynamo, i have a lot of feelings of jealousy, and low worth in that arena.

anyway, therapist said, "ya know what you do A LOT, christine? you try and get into other people's heads. stop it! stay in your own head, pay attention to YOUR feelings, and stop trying to figure out what other people's feelings are."

that's what i'm trying to do right now. it's been a couple of days. so far, it's working really well.

I think it is good to express your insecurities with him but the trick is to acknowledge that they are exactly that, insecurities. That is different then accusing someone and the finding out they didn't do something. Telling him that you sometimes feels vulnerable may make you feel a lot better. And it will help him to understand where you are coming from.

I go a step further than trying to get inside someone's head, I actully conjur up whole scenarios of drama that I play out to detail and actually convince myself that it is the truth! Case in point: I was sure that the bf's ex-gf was still involved in his life. I convinced myself that this was true even though he never ever mentioned her, told me in the beginning they were a mismatch and he was clearly thinking of and caring about me. But noooo, I was certain that I wasn't getting the full story. I even snooped around facebook for 'clues' (bad I know but Im kind of a drama queen). Nothing came up but I told myself that he was just good at being deceptive! There was NOTHING he did or say to lead me to think this other than my own wacked out freaky chick mind!

I had worked myself up so much that I was pouty and giving him the silent treatment for something that not only didn't happen but wasn't true. It was the sabotage monster in me looking for justification as to why he couldn't possibly be 100% into me. There HAD to be someone else sharing his attenting (the ex gf in this case) right? There was no way he could really be that into me and only me. I even blurted out something about her and he was really baffled and in a meek and feeble voice said "but... but I don't even talk to her." I felt like such a heel. I realized that the idea that I was the only one in his life in truth was so overwhelming for me in a good way that I think that is why I made up this crazy drama in my head.

To really sit with the fact that he really does love me, and I am the only one downright freaks me out. It is a huge change for me in terms of men and relationshps where I never felt that they wanted me 100% or that I could possibly have everything he would need. Sad if I think about it but that is why I am also in therapy. She asked me once, "what would it take for him to convince you that he loves you? Why can't you be loved that much?". It was a huge eyeopener of my never feeling like I was good enough to be loved.

From what you write Coffee, he is really really into you. And I'm not just saying that. Rather than feel anxious, start feeling lucky because you are :)

Yes, and this eye opener has me convinced now that I wouldnt recognize it if it grew wings and flew into my house with a sign from god.

But coffeedrinker, I think what you have now is good. Sometimes working into the scary stuff will put us in a tailspin. Best to talk about it rather than start that spinning top, the momentum can take you into the stratosphere. Okay, take all that and make them "I" statements. Damn.

Beth

As I say this- do keep in mind, I don't claim, to be super healthy!

We may be extremes! I have not dated.
But honey- and I say this with love, did you take much time, for yourself?

Again- I think it is BETTER, to get out, to have some fun, to have the courage, to do so.
I get a chuckle over this quote that someone once told me.

The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else!:a213:

It does not have to be love. Doesn't have to be forever. It doesn't have to never end.
Nor does it, if it ends, necessarily have to end, badly.
Keep those boundaries in place. You are different now. Listen to the people around you, who you do trust. Ask them to tell you, if it appears that you are not, thinking clearly. Making wise choices. (we have been know to :gaah)
And enjoy life!!
With Love-
SL

And dear- since I believe... I just may be letting go, of some of that fear and insecurity.. please do, along with anyone else- give me my input/advise!!
Oh man.... worried. Are you kidding? I will probably say sure, I would love to go out to xyz with you. But first.. Hair follicle.. your last 3 addresses.. jobs.. ex's-
Then sure- we can go and have fun!!!

Still, Baby, and Wicked ~

thanks so much for the replies. although you guys can't possibly know everything from afar, it helps so much to hear the words of a totally unbiased person.
now, if i could only accidentally find a letter he wrote to his best friend, telling him all these flowery and wonderful things about me.....

baby, you talked about your fantasy/fear with the bf. yep, completely relate. i don't feel as though i am not worthy. i mean, i have a lot of good qualities, i know it, and i also know that i am loved and liked by a lot of people. i think what's hard with this boy, is that he is not gushing all over me with words saying how much he is into me. he has actually professed more than once, that he feels he cares more, and is more invested in this relationship, than i am. i think that's probably true. but, where my insecurity kicks in, is "yeah, you're into this relationship, you're committed to seeing it go wherever and how far it's gonna go, but....do ya really love me that much, or am i a good-enough woman to have that role?" meaning i feel like i'll only be secure if he tells me i'm the love of his life, the greatest thing to come down the pike, the most lovely woman he has laid eyes on, etc. now, i know that's not realistic, and as i said to my brother just yesterday:
when i look at him, i don't see the most beautiful man i've ever looked at
when i hear him sing, he doesn't have the greatest voice
when he kisses me, it is not the best kiss i have ever gotten.

so, there's totally a double standard.
i think i'm just that shallow, or immature, or insecure i guess.
it's probably a no-win sitch for the poor guy.

still,

yes, i understand. when i re-entered the world, i connected with friends i had neglected, took care of myself in a few different ways. when i started dating, frankly, it was because i was afraid i'd go back to xabf. i wanted the distraction, and the ego gratification of men paying attention to me, telling me i was attractive, wanting to see me again. i didn't know if i would ever want a boyfriend again.
this man came along and i felt good that i didn't fall for him right away, have actually not been in that "head over heels" thing in all these months, and proud for using my head while still really, really liking being with him.

the timing might not be the best (for me and my growth) but here we are.

i'm stayin right here, trying to pay attention to my own feelings, and being grateful that i have someone who has long-term potential, and who is the most communicative man i've ever known.