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I've come to this forum a few months ago and went away for a long while i dont know if anyone remembers my story but in short i was in a 3 year relationship wth an addict until yesterday,. Like everyone who is with an addict i tolerated lots of drama and shocks from the day i knew about the drugs ,the lying,the meetings,getting clean several times and the relapses that follow. I tolerated all of it because i was in love with him,addicted to him and couldnt stop using,i also was never able to let go to turn my back on him ,wanted to be there and support him,the fact is i helped him more and more become the person he is now. yesterday we had this big fight because he thinks my friends are turning me on him and that they want us to be apart!!! he used alot of cursing and bad words so i yelled at him to stop,next thing i know was his hand slapping my ear and cheek so hard,he hit my head and slapped me several times,i kept begging him to leave( we were in my car) he said i wont let you leave,i'll keep hitting you if you dont say you're sorry,so i said it i was afraid,he had pushed me a couple of times before but never really hurt me physically,this time i was frightened and for the first time i wondered how come i love him? i was shaking so bad and he was yelling and forcing me to look at him while he spoke i did what he asked but i finally felt i couldnt take it no more,i finally hit bottom,because nomatter how much i love him my mind tells me its wrong to be abused in such way and that he would do it again.anyway i tried to stay calm until i was able to leave and told him i never want to see him again. he's been calling since yesterday and sending me regretting texts saying he didnt know what he was doing and that he loves me. please help me out ,i dont know what to do.

I'm sorry. That's horrible.

First things first. You are doing the right thing by staying away from him and not accepting his pyschotic, manipulating phone calls.

Do you have somewhere safe to stay? Then I suggest turning off your phone. Or changing your number so he can't harrass you. And don't believe it when he says he will never do it again. Famous last words... if you are done with his crap, it doesn't matter what he says. Focus on you. You deserve to feel safe and be treated like a human being. Always. No Matter What.

Calling the police is a good idea. You may not want to because you don't want him to get in trouble, but that is a logical consequence for smacking you around.


Also, read these stickies:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/101496-about-abuse.html



http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/117553-abused-woman.html

I dont know about calling the police i dont want to cause trouble. I'm not answering his phone calls so he text me saying he had an accident,crashed his motorcycle and hit hs bad that they think he is having an internal bleeding and is kept in hospital and wants me to go see him.I dont know what to do ? i have a feeling that he is lying that its just a way for him to get me to call and listen to all the crap he'de be saying and all the emotional abuse that works with me every time ,he knows that the minute he says "i love you,i cant live with you and i know you love and wouldnt leave me" that i'de be running back in his arms. i'm still not answering,is this the right thing to do? what if he is really dying or something? i

You know what i've read those stickies a few months ago and thought to myself he has tendencies to be abusive but thank god he never hit me. The abuse and all that seemed so far,like things that would never happen to me,until yesterday,he did exactly what abusive men do. i dont know how i feel,i'm so confused and scared.

Lunna,
No, do not answer him. He is escalating, and can it get much worse for you?
I don't want to never hear from you again. Leave him, go someplace safe that he doesn't know about. He will take care of himself, don't worry about him, worry about YOU! Take care of you, That's all I can say. Please stay safe. There are so many good people out there, who won't treat you like crap. You deserve that. Leave him. Stay here and talk to us. Read the stickey's above. Stay here. Hugs to you. FGB

Lunaa
Violence is a deal breaker. Period. Please do whatever you need to do to stay safe.

gentle hugs

Well I congratulate u on getting out of that. They say the first time is always the hardest. So if you go back to him it will be easier for him to hit you. Not only that if you back to him you basically telling him that its ok, and that you'll forgive him the next time. I'm a male and I was raised to never put my hands on a woman in that way. Women need to be respected for the beautiful beings that are, us men can't bring life into this world, that's something only women can do. God is the creature of all life and created this world. But what do we refer to this world as "MOTHER earth". You stay up and like FGB said there are so many people out there that won't treat you like crap. I'm sure there is a man out there just waiting to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, like a queen placed on a pedestal way high.

Lunaaa, please do not believe him when he promises he will never do it again.

Do not think you are the one that must change to stop him from hitting you.

Men who hit a woman will do it to all their partners.

Know that it will get worse and worse. And worse and worse. You will get addicted to the cycles of being abused and making up (when he will make you feel that you are a queen)

Do not think that he must really, really love you to go to such lengths to get you back.

Do not believe that you have a true connection. Physical abuse seems to be an intimate act and falsely makes you think you are very close to a person.

Be prepared that his attempts to get you back will intensify. It will probably swing between him being very loving, to him being very threatening. Do not give in when you get to a stage where you think going back to him is easier than not.

Know with absolute certainty that your relationship has nothing to do with love and everything to do with control. He accuses your friends because he wants you to stop seeing them. He wants to isolate you so his control over you can be increased.

Run as fast as you can. Go no contact. Don't answer any of his messages. The moment you let him talk to you, he will use all his charm and you will fall for him again.


I considered myself a strong woman and vowed I would never let a man hit me. Yet I stayed with my XH until I finally understood the above to be true.

Lunaaa, I'm so sorry to hear that your going through this awful situation. If you go back with this guy, he will continue to hit you. Over and over again. Only a coward hits a woman. A real man would never hurt you, or force you to do somthing you don't want to do. Ignore his calls, change your number, and move on. If you love him so much that you don't want to let go of him, then make sure you love being beat up and abused too. This guy is a mess. He is an addict, and a woman abuser. You can do better sweetie.
Your worth it and deserving of a good man, who will treat you with love and respect. He can't love or respect you, because he doesn't love or respect himself. I sure hope you make the right choice. Ending relationships is never a happy or an easy thing, but something and someone much better is in the near future. If you stay with this bum, you will not be available to meet the right man. Besides, when a man hits a woman, it always gets worse and worse. It's up to you to nip it in the bud. My heart goes out to you. My ex put me through the same thing when I was younger. I am now married to an awesome loving man for the past 25 years. Toughen up and get away from this guy for good. :ghug3

You know I really have to agree with wheredoiturn on this one. This guy is a control freak, he probably has his feelings of inadequacy and having control over you only empowers him even more. Just do what you have to do to stay as far away from him as possible. You're gonna find someone who's going to treat you right and you'll look back upon this and see what a blessing it was to get out of this situation. Keep your head up you have a bright future ahead of you.

Luna--I am so sorry. You are doing the right thing by staying away. I pray that you will decide to do it for the long run. Physically abuse (as well as emotional) is unacceptable. No one deserves that for any reason. It is not your fault, you didn't ask for it, but unfortunately it's up to you to stop it.

I'm glad you are okay. Things could have been much much worse, and if you choose to continue to keep him in your life--things will get worse, and I don't want that for you or for anyone on this forum.

You know what you have to do. The hard part is putting it into action, internally accepting that there is no going back now. Physical abuse is no joke - Apologies, gifts, etc etc will never make up for it.

'WE ACCEPT THE LOVE WE THINK WE DESERVE' and you deserve so much more. You know that, right?


You're on my mind.
xoxo
Summer

Keep him out of your life. Period. There is never justification to hit/abuse anyone. The only way is for him to get some serious counseling around this issue. It isn't just the hitting, but the control and emotional abuse are part of domestic violence. And as others point out, it escalates.

And what he did was illegal. You could press charges, maybe that will be his bottom.

You don't abuse the ones you love.

Reading the words you all wrote brings tears to my eyes ,i came here because i couldnt share the incident with family or friends due to the humilation and confusion i felt since it happened and everytime i tried to talk to someone about it the words refuse to come out but coming here and reading everything you guys wrote has given me much more support than i could get form anyone.

Wheredoiturn,everything you said is so true. I do believe he loves me despite everything he does (how come he hits me and i feel this way?) or is it what i want to believe? and as if it makes everything alright,makes me feel i can forgive anything he does,i justify to myself every violent act and convince myself its out of love and jelousy .i dont know how i reached such point ,i feel it's sick.
I do believe we do have a connection! and i do believe that he wouldnt have hit me if i behaved in a different way!! i know its all sick but i need your help to stop feeling this way.

You are so right,i know that in my mind but in my heart i ignore all that ,induring and tolerating and telling myself it wasnt that hard,he didnt hit me that hard or maybe he didnt mean to hurt me ,maybe i was hurt because i'm physically weaker than him ( i know how silly i seem but its what i unconsiously tell myself)

Good point! Turns out he there was no bleeding,no bad injuries,he did have an accident but wasnt hurt,just bruises and so( his mom called and told me)

I'm afraid to be this kind of person

I'm so scared of letting him go.like you said i have to internally accept that there is no going back,its so hard to do so,it's like i KNOW its what i should do,i'm just too weak to do the hard and right thing. i remember all the good thins he used to do and the great person i thought he was,the person i fell in love with and how happy i used to feel with him and just cant accept to throw it all away. its the only true thing i have ever felt for anyone.

Lunaaa

I am so glad you are posting here and not trying to hide it. Right now you can't talk about it but maybe posting here will give you the strength to get it out in the open.

I had a friend that was in this situation. It went kinda like this: yelling, verbally abusing, pushing, shoving, slapping, hitting, PUNCHING. She stayed for a long time. She said the same thing, if she wouldn't have said this, if she had of done that. Maybe she deserved it, it wasn't that bad....etc. She stayed through all this. A few friends knew, including me. I tried to get her away from him, came and got her a few times. But she always went back because he was sorry, they had a connection, he loved her.

I got a phone call one day at work telling me that she was being rushed to a trama hospital 2 hours away. He had hit her so hard it shattered her eye socket and she almost lost her eye. That was the worst of it, but she had many bruises, cuts, scrapes and some fractures. She spent a week in the hospital. I rushed up there and I just couldn't believe what I saw...I didn't even recognize my friend. And of course, he ran. It all started over her wrapping birthday presents for her son, instead of spending time with him. Trust me, your friends and family would never want that for you. It could have been worse, she could have very easily been dead. She said she thought he was going to kill her. So you see, nothing you can do or say will stop him. IT WILL GET WORSE. That was finally what it took to make her see that this was NOT love. He is sick, he will not stop if you go back. My friends ex still called after that, trying to get her to see that she made him do it

This happened over 15 years ago, but I can still picture my friends face, this is something that I will never forget.

I can't tell you what to do, only you can choose that, but PLEASE PLEASE, go to counseling, get some help, talk to SOMEONE. STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Find somewhere safe. I don't want to see you hurt.

Gotahavfaith

Take it one day at a time lunaa. He's a drug addict. He beat the cr@p out of you. He threw it all away. Not you. At some point we have to accept that we can't change others and walk away. We need to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. If we dont, no one else will either.

It doesn't matter that you thought he was great person who used to do nice things and it doesn't matter that you want him to be that person again. That's in the past. And a lot of it is the dream of what you wish was true, not the reality of the situation.

What matters is who he is right now and what he actions are telling you - he is a liar, he is abusive, and he is a manipulator.

Don't you think you deserve better? Or is that what you are willing to accept for the rest of your life (because you think he might have potential to change... maybe...)

Hello-kitty. I realise now i stuck around the past two years of our relationship because i thought he had potential to change (not once had he proved so). i think now to myself i had alot of faith and hope he would change to the better but my hope was never based on anything.as you said he might and might not change. its not right to hold on so hard to someone because you hope they would change,right?

This is very scarey and sad,i'm so sorry for your friend and glad she got through this safe.i cant imagine how could someone cause hurt to another person so bad. i still have doubts about calling him abusive.he slapped me several times on the face it did hurt and i was scared but maybe he didnt mean to,maybe i was hurt because i'm physically weaker being a girl. could it be just out of anger and jelousy that he couldnt control himself? is it for certain he would do it again? will it get worse ?

Mine progressed to beating my head against walls, smacking me in the back of the head repeatedly, throwing me down the basement stairs, body-slamming me to the floor and putting his knee on my chest, screaming at me so loud that the spit was flying onto my face, holding a knife to my side, and punching me in the back.

Your mind is trying to tell you it isn't that bad. Please please please contact the nearest domestic violence center and ask to talk to a counselor.

It gets worse. It is as if the two of you go into a silent agreement that if the last bit of hitting was acceptable to you, he has permission to up it a bit next time. This scenario plays itself out all over the world with sickening regularity.

If nothing else makes you see disaster looming, let me paint the picture what these type of men do once you have children. The children become their weapons to hurt you, to get to you. They will threaten you that if you leave them, you will never see your children again. If you manage to leave anyway, they will use the children at every opportunity to get back at you and to hurt you. They will have no regard for the children's well-being, just see them as little pawns with which they can hurt and punish their mother.

Lunaaa, please think really long and hard about what you want for your future. The longer you stay, the more you will believe that you are nothing and that you deserve the treatment, the harder it will be to leave. Do you think that you deserve to be treated this way or do you believe that you are good enough to deserve a man that will treat you well?

No matter how difficult it is, you need to think with your head not your heart. Your heart is not capable of making the decisions that you head is designed to do.

Drug or alcohol addiction is one thing, abuse is another. If you take him back,put on your football helmet and your rubber suit, because he will even be more violent, it will escalate, this is only the tip of the iceburg.

Do you really need a man like him in your life...if so, why?

Let your head do what it is designed to do......think.....

Luanna I don't mean to offend you if I do, but it almost sounds like you're looking for someone to tell you its ok for you to go back to this guy. You keep making excuses for his violence and trying to place the blame on yourself. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Have you ever considered Codependents Anonymous. It helps people who have childhood and relationship issues. You can really find out a lot about yourself there. I've always had a low self esteem so my AA sponsor recommended I try it out. I honestly have to say I'm glad I did. I found out why I have such low self esteem, why I'm afraid of change and why I've always had a feeling of inadequacy. My parents got divorced when I was about 8 years old so I spent a lot of my childhood moving around. Even before they separated I did quite a bit of moving. I went to 2 different preschools, kindergarten and 1st I went to Catholic school in Fremont, Ca, 2nd and 3rd at a public in Fremont, Ca, 4th at a public in Hayward, Ca, 5th at a public in Los Gates, Ca, 6th and 7th at public schools in Gilroy. From 8th until 12th I went back to Fremont. Because I did all this moving around I was never able to establish any real roots or make any real friends other than the ones I grew up with in Fremont. This is why I was always so afraid of change. My self esteem issues came from the fact that I've always looked younger than I am and was very short up until my junior year of high school. My freshman year of high school I was about 5ft. tall and looked like I was 12 years old literally. I'm 28 now but people tell me I don't look a day over 21, I can't even grow a full beard or mustache. Looking young doesn't bother me anymore cause I know I'm going to look young when I'm old (pops is 62 but looks like he's in his early 40's). Not having much facial hair doesn't bother me either cuz it just means I don't have to shave as often..lol. The point I'm trying to make is that I felt I didn't measure up until I got into CODA. I learned how to esteem myself without having to make fun of someone else in order to feel better about myself. It sounds petty but what I was recommended to do was to stand in front of the mirror and tell myself nice things. Like "you're a good person", "you are capable of change", "God loves you", "you are a beautiful person", simple little things like that. Initially I thought it was silly, but you know what, it works. Look into a CODA meeting, try it out for a week. It's not going to kill you and like I said you will learn a great deal about yourself. I wish you luck and really hope you don't go back to this guy. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Oh my god i'm so sorry for what you went through i cant imagine how painful and horrible this all have been.

Johndelko,Dollydo and wheredoiturn,

I really dont want to go back to him,i never want to see him again.i know i'm better off this way and that as long as i'm with him i'll never be happy or have self respect. the reason i'm telling you about my weakness towards him is that i once heard that an idea is like a virus you need to fight it wth another idea(anti-virus) i'm telling you how i feel(about him not meaning to hurt me ...etc ) because i'm hoping to get rid of these sick feelings of dependency and become more certain of my decision which is leaving him,trust me guys i never want to go back to him but i'm trying to arm myself against myself,does that make any sense? i dont want to feel any guilt or regret for leaving him i want to be convinced(both heart and mind) that its the right thing.