Keepinon, You sound like your getting healthier. If you didn't think the visit would be healthy for you, it's better that you didn't go. However, your daughter is still in treatment, and in very early recovery from a serious addiction. Her behavior isn't going to change as fast as you would like it to. Give the girl a chance to change. One thing at a time, and right now she is doing her best. When you first come off of those drugs you can't do the simplest little things. It's an effort to get up and function. This will all change in time. I hope things get better between you and your daughter.

Yes, she is in early recovery. But the time has come to be an adult. Actions have consequences. I am not going to give until I am depleted. My friends treat me well, my husband treats me well, and I should not expect any less of her.
Her needs are being met, she is in a supportive environment , and I think its high time she learn that we (her father and I) are people too. We have feelings, needs, wants ourselves and we aren't going to subject ourselves to her continued self centerednesss and take take take mentality.
I love her, we are financially supporting her, but time for her to start thinking of others.

Good for you. You'll know when it's right to see your daughter.

(huge hugs)

I'm really amazed at how well you handled this all. Just sending love and light your way.

i too am impressed that you recognized that you were stepping into a yucky place, and you took care of yourself.

i was talking with someone five years sober. he has two or three sponsees, he goes to two meetings a week, and while speaking with him, it seems he has a rock solid program. but he admitted that even now, when he is the speaker at a meeting, while telling his story, he sometimes says things that aren't true. he embellishes for no reason. his point was that even now, after five years clean time, he slips into old behavior and has to catch himself and backpeddle.

angelica is correct; this is so new, and she needs time to re-learn and to un-learn. but you need to take care of yourself as well. they are not mutually exclusive

This week I have just had an unraveling of what I thought was true. I thought I had to try to hold my family together.I had to go support my daughter. I have to have Thanksgiving at my house. But for some reason when the therapist said all that stuff about me teaching my daughter to take and not give, and getting my self worth from keeping the family from falling apart, something in me changed.
I just told my husband this morning that I don't think I can handle doing Thanksgiving this year..at all.The past 6 years have been filled with completely inappropriate behavior by my 2 kids.Last year I was literally sick from Thanksgiving to Christmas. I cannot do this to myself anymore.
I am definately in the middle of a midlife crisis which is good because I can't keep going the way I've been. I have to shift my whole perspective and let go of all the old ideas that keep me doing things I don't want to do. It's hard.,I feel guilty. (I should be more supportive of my daughter, she's trying to get better, I should just let go and forgive all the hell of these past years, suck it up and deal)but to be honest I am still really mad. I have tried to pretend that I've forgiven, but when she keeps doing things I just can't move beyond it. So maybe I need to just feel mad for a while. I don't know, but the answers are slowly coming.

Keep- To me that all sounds like extremely healthy thinking, maybe because I'm kind of in the same place and I'm getting needed validation from your story. But honestly, it feels so much better to focus on me and my own mental health for a change-- the change in perspective is so invigorating although sometimes fraught with doubt and fear. It feels right so I keep moving in that direction. Now, if we could only bottle some of this up for Chicory... ;)

Keepinon, You have come a long way. Your absolutely right about your daughter respecting you and your husband. I totally agree with you 100%. What I was trying to say, is that she isn't capable of realizing all of this yet. It might be to soon, but the way your handling the situation is good. This kind of consequence towards her lack of respect is good. It's the right thing to do. For her to give you the common courtesy of a phone call is not alot for you to ask for. If she sees your not going to be there for her if she doesn't call, that might be just what it takes for her to wake up to the fact that life isn't all about her. Your a very strong woman, and I have to admit, I am proud of you. I am keeping in mind that she is only 18 years old, and that's a selfish age in itself. Addiction is a selfish disease. I hope and pray that your daughter really gets it and stays well. You are remarkable. You have the right attitude, and not allowing her to step on you over and over again is the right thing to do. Hooray for you.

"We can be so "selfless" that we show them we aren't even worth the effort. We will take whatever little scraps they deign to throw at us. I have to change that."

Oh Keepinon, you have no idea how much I needed to read something like that. That is the story of my life with my AH and I also need to change it. Selfless to a fault ends up being a doormat...and the other person not even recognizing it in the slightest. It's how I've been, and essentially taught him that its okay to treat me like crud. I need to hang on to your words for my sanity sake...and a new way of living.

Anyway, I'm sorry for how this all worked out for you. But I applaud you in standing up for yourself in it. I hope your AD takes it to count and actually gains something positive from it. Take care.

Yesterdays reading in Courage to Change talked about recovery being like peeling an onion. I had gotten thu the papery skin and tough outer layer (enabling her, etc) but there are many more layers to go..I have emotionally enabled her.Didn't teach her how to treat other well, was always there for her when a little floundering would have done her some good, etc. It is fantastic that she is in recovery..I hope she takes a real good look at herself.Just like I am.

keepinon
I just read this thread through the rest of the way......and it brought tears to my eyes! You are treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated and by doing so, you are teaching her how you deserve to be treated!

This thread has been a great lesson for me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, your insecurities, your revelations, your growth......it helps me.

gentle hugs