My best friend is addicted to opiates
 

My best friend just relapsed again this week. I've been doing everything I can to support him. I took him to the ER, Rehab, Doctors, brought him food etc. I don't know what to do, he's starting to push me away, and I don't know if this is because hes doing better and is busy trying to fix things, or if he is still using and doesnt want me to know. I've been calling him everyday to check on him before this. Should I keep calling him, or give him a few days and then check on him again? I don't want to push him too hard to where he doesn't come to me for help. I love him so much, I just don't know what to do.

supporting you, crystal. that's what we're here for.

Each of us is quite capable of loving an addicted person into an early grave.

Is there a reason why you are doing for him, what he can do for himself?

This is called enabling. This becomes our role in the addiction cycle.

Consider knocking it off.

The reasons why he's pushing you away are not as important as respecting his need for distance. If you've ever stepped back from someone yourself, pushed them away, you probably wished and hoped they'd respect that and leave you alone.

I can't tell you how many hours I've wasted trying to figure out motives, but for me it's another definition of insanity. It keeps me mired in the muck of another persons life, and prevents me from living my own life.

It's a hard habit to break but freedom is the reward :)

Welcome, nice to meet you!

We are here to help you, not the addict. We are codies, we all want to help!

One thing I have learned over the years is: "Hands off the addict".

You are not helping him by enabling him, you are only making it worse for him. I would suggest that you let him be, and, start working on you, explore why you are so obessed with saving him (which is something you cannot do), go to meetings to help you overcome your codependency and get a better understanding of addiction.

crystal, sometimes we just have to back off. If he needs you, he will call you. And believe me, he will call. Opiate abusers will hide it from the people who have tried to help them previously. They feel like a failure in front of the person who has helped them to recover, especially if they didn't succeed. Stepping back doesn't mean giving up, it means wait, and let it play out. Patience is important here.

Opiate addiction is a tough one, and sometimes it takes alot of tries before the addict gets it. Be careful to understand the difference between supporting, and enabling.

I believe every addict deserves another chance, and another chance. Because relapse is a big part of the recovery process. However, there is a limit to how much we as human beings can take before we throw up our hands. Sometimes the addict has to lose everything, and everyone, before he is ready to really make the change. It depends upon the person. He is lucky to have a good friend like you.

Angelica posted this:

"I believe every addict deserves another chance, and another chance. Because relapse is a big part of the recovery process."

I too struggled with how many chances, and finally realized that the more chances I gave, the worse he got. Why? because he knew that I didn't mean what I said, and didn't say what I mean't, each chance refenforced him to use more, knowing I would believe his lies and give him yet another chance.

To be honest, if I had to do over again (which I won't), it would be three strikes and you
are out! I wasted way too much of me on someone who will never get it, becuse he just doesn't want to get and stay clean. He will die an addict and there is nothing I can do about it.

(((Krystal)))

As far as your question about calling him, I want to take this opportunity to point out that addicts are extremely resourceful. When he decides he's hungry, he'll find food. I promise. And same for his other basic needs. Honestly, I know this sounds counteractive, but I am a little glad to hear that he is not calling YOU, asking you to provide any of these things for him. Because the more you provide for him, the more comfortable he'll be, which means the more you are enabling him, because that's energy he doesn't have to use on taking care of himself, which means he has more time and energy to put into acquiring drugs. It kinda goes back to the saying, "why buy the cow if the milk is free?" Well, he'll never hit his "bottom" and decides he needs to change if his loved ones are pampering him.

That doesn't mean you have to stop caring about him. It just means you need to rethink what you do out of love for him. For some of us, that means we cannot have contact with our addict because we would get sucked back into their problems too easily and go back to enabling. For others, It just means that we are deliberately careful in doing nothing for the addict that they can do for themselves. You have to figure that out for you, but just remember, as long as you are "helping" him, you are really not helping him. If that makes sense.

Take advantage of this time without him to do things for yourself. Go out with your other friends. Find a great book to read. Go to a movie. And focus on making sure you are your own first priority.

Dollydo, I do agree, 3 strikes is about right. I would tell my son, if you get in trouble after all of this, I will never help you again. And then ofcourse, he would have a problem, and mommy would help him.

After a couple of tries at Rehab the third time he finished his program, my husband and I offered him to stay with us until he got on his feet. He did really well for 10 months. He had a job, a car, money in the bank. Health insurance, his drivers license. He had his girlfriend of 9 years who is a police officer back. He had it all. He was going for therapy.

Then one day he was having a bad day. And he wanted to leave so he could go and get high.
He was told, by me, I said if you walk out that door to get high, you cannot come back here. He left. 4 months later, he was broke, unemployed, broke up with his girlfriend for good. Lost his car, and blew all of his money, which was quite a bit. Got pulled over by the cops, didn't get arrested, but for some reason they kept his license. Unless that was a lie too.
It's amazing how he is still alive. Then the call came. Mom, can I come home. :c021: That call was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with. Because I kept my word, and the answer was NO. I posted on here about it, and 9 out of 10 people said don't do it. Only one mother said to take him in, because she thought the time with him might be the last.
I didn't take him in, and it's a good thing. Because he still wasn't done with his drug run. This time, he found his own way to get well. He put himself in a great military program for drug addiction. This is where he is now. 3 months clean from his opiates, and his cigarettes too. I never thought he would give the cigarettes up. But he did. I sure hope this time is his last.

Detachment is my ultimate goal. Hopefully it will be yours too. Try picking up a copy of Melody Beatie's Codependent No More. It might help you.

The problem is though, when other people detach, it makes him use even more, because he uses based on stress. Hes a binge user, he only uses every couple of months, when something really bad happens. During the time hes clean he is really functional, he has a full time job hes had for 5 years and he does really well. This time he was clean for 4 months, then one of our friends tried to kill herself, and this trigger his relapse. I'm seeing a therapist, we happen to have the same one but for different reasons, and my therapist recommended that walking away would not help him right now, that he really needs a support system if he is going to get clean.

WOW!
I am floored!
That is a heavy burden to put on you!
Realistically he needs the support and assistance amongst people who have had similar problems and overcome them. Such as AA or NA.
Detaching does not mean that you are no longer his friend, it means letting him own his addiction and recovery.
Detaching with love is the goal of detachment!
Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum?
Or considered al-anon for yourself?
Because anytime we are involved with someone with an addiction it effects us in many fundamental ways.
best wishes!

How do you detach without not being their friend? See I'm so confused because I'm getting conflicting advice. On one hand I have you guys who have been through this saying detach, but my therapist is saying be there, he needs support and someone to go to when he gets in trouble, he says my friend feels like no one is there for him, and that I can help by being there. See I'm so confused :(

here you go:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ment-love.html

there is alot of good info at the top of this forum!

There is a difference between being there for him in the sense of being his personal cheerleader and enabling him by providing things for him that he should be providing for himself. Most of us think of detaching as simply not doing for someone what they can do for themselves.

Oh wow, I hadn't thought of it that way, that is really useful thank you. I understand a little better what you mean. But how do you get rid of the thoughts that I keep having? Like when I don't hear back from him in a while, I keep thinking oh no did he overdose and stop breathing again? How do you let go of those thoughts even if you do detach with love? I'm so scared hes going to die. And he really is seeking help though and I understand that relapses can be part of the process unfortunately but how to I let go of those thoughts of losing him to where Im not constantly worrying?

Just keep reminding yourself that he was the one pushing you away, and that if he really needs you he'll contact you, since I'm sure he knows you care.

Have you every been to a nar-anon or al-anon meeting? I find them to be extremely useful in learning how to assauge the very fears you're talking about, because everyone there is going through, or has been through, the same thing you have, or something very similar. Al-anon is for loved ones of alcoholics, and nar-anon for loved ones of addicts, but they are the same program and both will welcome anyone with either problem equally. My sister is a heroin addict, but I have started going to al-anon because it was most convenient to my location and schedule, and everyone there was happy to have me. I hope you'll consider giving them a try; for some of us, it's how we stay sane. :)