How many cell phones does it take?
 

It's 4 or 5 or 6 cell phones later and my AD is without. I'm not buying her another one.

She's currently living at a board and care facility that houses 9 adults. This is the sort of place where cell phones are easily "lost". Sometimes they fight over the food in thier refrigerator and they're not allowed in the "house fridge".

So, I'm making up catering size containers (aluminum turkey roasting pans) of potatoe salad, macaroni salad, arroz con pollo and cole slaw. I'm also batching up 10 pounds of hamburger into ready to cook meat loaves, and I've made a 9 pound batch of pulled pork. 2 dozen steak and potatoe burritos (made from pot roast style meat), a small batch of chicken enchiladas and a large batch of beef enchiladas.

I bought a bunch of bread, bagels and english muffins at the discount bread store and I'm picking up 7 dozen eggs as soon as I figure out which store has them on sale.

I can afford this because I don't have to buy a new cell phone.

I never hand a person cash to buy food with, but I will happily feed them. I think this is support. Do you think I'm enabling?

:ring

CB

It sounds like this situation might be setting up an adult to remain dependent on you, rather than taking responsibility for her own needs and life.

cb, is she physically/mentally able to provide food for herself?

Where's she going to store all that food? Does she have access to a special freezer or something?

My mom didn't even cook like that for me when I was in high school, unemployed AND living at home.

She's pretty heavily medicated on anti-psycotic drugs and cannot prepare her own food - she has a hard time eating even when it's placed in front of her - anxiety like.

I just want them all to be able to eat when they're hungry, without having to cook or fight. Many of the residents are in worse shape than she is.

With 9 people in the house it's really only enough food for 4 days. She lives a little over 100 miles away and I can only do this once a month.

But I see the overall consensus is leaning toward "enabling". I'll have to search my soul a little bit more on this one.

Thanks for the input.

Yes you are enabling. Our men and women in uniform don't eat as well as your AD. As someone else said, if they are already fighting over food, this will take it to a new level.

Definition of enabling: doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. or doing things for others and expecting something in return (i.e. sobriety). if you keep feeding her or solving her problems, one thing is for sure, she won't learn to do it on her own.

It's up to you mom. i think it's very generous of you, maybe a little excessive. I suggest thinking about it for 24 hours... and in the meantime do something nice for yourself with 1/2 of the saved cell phone money - like get a pedicure or something.

PS. My son and I have NO FOOD in the fridge. We've been eating the same leftover spaghetti with jarred sauce and melted american cheese slices for 3 days now. Gak! I'm sick of it but I'm broke. Maybe you can send meatloaf some our way. :-)

CyberRenos: Arroz con Pollo Recipe

I'm on my 2nd batch - takes 3 batches to fill one of those big pans.

But I used less expensive chicken thighs and boiled them in heavily seasoned water. Put them on top of the prepared rice, sprinkled with cheese, wrapped the whole thing in foil and it's heat and eat ready.

For personal use only - no sharing with addicted kids!

hi Cb,

I could say its enabling or it could be a culture type of thing. In more ways then one it sounds like enabling but then I know in my culture and background we like to feed people... we get enjoyment within ourselves knowing we cooked food and that they are eating a lot of it. My nationality is spanish and I know my mom, exMIL... woudl cook up a storm if they knew it would go to use and not have minded at all.

How do you feel about making the food? Are you questioning that your enabling? Or do you feel good about providing some food to where your daughter is staying. Only you truly know the answer to this question.

Hugs,
Jewelz

I'm Puerto Rican. I cook the pernil (pulled pork) and the beef for the meals low and slow and with loads of Sazon.

My daughter isn't in a 12 step program, she's having a more cognitive based therapy. Guilt is not a part of the her therapy, neither is blame. I don't know what's right and what's gonna work or not work, but I don't want to enable her to do drugs - I just want to make sure everyone gets plenty of food.

I'm really terrible too - I buy homeless guy (Robert Jr.) food when I see him out there, this morning he wanted a 6 pack of juice. I don't know what has led him to the street or what may bring him back, but if my daughter was out there I would want some mom to buy her a pack of juice and spend a few minutes chatting to see if she wanted assistance.

I'm on unemployment and I do a lot of my shopping at the 99 cents only store. I have far more than I need and plenty to share.

I love Jewell's quote:

Maybe it applies in this situation.

It seems this could be a little over the top. How about some crackers and peanut butter.......so she can make to the next week. The jars now have jelly mixed in it. It would not need refrigerating.

I think you have a heart of gold, and your daughter is one lucky girl.

That said, maybe send this stuff since it's already made, but give some thought to whether this is helping her or keeping her from finding her own way in life.

The hardest lessons for me to learn with my son was to let go and let him make his own mistakes, let him find his own way and learn to survive in the world without his mama taking care of everything. I was robbing him of lessons he needed to learn about taking care of himself.

Hugs

If I kept getting lifted up, I'd have never learned how to do it for myself.

You are a good mama, you know what's best I'm sure..

I gotta say that I pray that if my son becomes homeless that no one gives him money or food - hunger is a great motivator and causes the survival instinct to kick in big time.

"But it's only a Big Meal from McDonald's. What can that hurt?" Well, it's all the food he would need for that entire day and maybe more - so that the money he would get given to him by "caring people" (it's only $1!!) can add up throughout the day to buy some alcohol or drugs. There's got to be a better way to help people who have deteriorated to homelessness.

Anyway, that's my take on it. Take what you need and leave the rest.

Hmmmm? I know what your heart is saying, but now it's time to listen to your head.

As difficult as it may be for you and for her, this is yet another "life" lesson.

It's almost like when they are in jail/prison, the more you help with money on the books, phone calls, packages, etc., the more comfortable you make them, the more they continue to depend on you.

The object is to let them learn how to take care of themselves. It's difficult to stand by and watch them, and they will beg and plead, cry, or whatever, but remember it's for their/her own good.

It's a good thing she is so far away otherwise you would be there cooking for her all the time. I'm sure there are people there to watch and care for the adults and make sure they are fed. She'll be ok, she will not starve I promise you.

That said, you sure can bring that food here to me. I love tamales and enchiladas!

Hugs and Strength coming your way
Devastated