How many cell phones does it take?

Old 04-08-2010, 09:09 AM
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How many cell phones does it take?

It's 4 or 5 or 6 cell phones later and my AD is without. I'm not buying her another one.

She's currently living at a board and care facility that houses 9 adults. This is the sort of place where cell phones are easily "lost". Sometimes they fight over the food in thier refrigerator and they're not allowed in the "house fridge".

So, I'm making up catering size containers (aluminum turkey roasting pans) of potatoe salad, macaroni salad, arroz con pollo and cole slaw. I'm also batching up 10 pounds of hamburger into ready to cook meat loaves, and I've made a 9 pound batch of pulled pork. 2 dozen steak and potatoe burritos (made from pot roast style meat), a small batch of chicken enchiladas and a large batch of beef enchiladas.

I bought a bunch of bread, bagels and english muffins at the discount bread store and I'm picking up 7 dozen eggs as soon as I figure out which store has them on sale.

I can afford this because I don't have to buy a new cell phone.

I never hand a person cash to buy food with, but I will happily feed them. I think this is support. Do you think I'm enabling?



CB
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Old 04-08-2010, 09:19 AM
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It sounds like this situation might be setting up an adult to remain dependent on you, rather than taking responsibility for her own needs and life.
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:43 AM
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cb, is she physically/mentally able to provide food for herself?
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Old 04-08-2010, 10:57 AM
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Where's she going to store all that food? Does she have access to a special freezer or something?

My mom didn't even cook like that for me when I was in high school, unemployed AND living at home.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:35 AM
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She's pretty heavily medicated on anti-psycotic drugs and cannot prepare her own food - she has a hard time eating even when it's placed in front of her - anxiety like.

I just want them all to be able to eat when they're hungry, without having to cook or fight. Many of the residents are in worse shape than she is.

With 9 people in the house it's really only enough food for 4 days. She lives a little over 100 miles away and I can only do this once a month.

But I see the overall consensus is leaning toward "enabling". I'll have to search my soul a little bit more on this one.

Thanks for the input.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:45 AM
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Yes you are enabling. Our men and women in uniform don't eat as well as your AD. As someone else said, if they are already fighting over food, this will take it to a new level.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:50 AM
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Definition of enabling: doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. or doing things for others and expecting something in return (i.e. sobriety). if you keep feeding her or solving her problems, one thing is for sure, she won't learn to do it on her own.

It's up to you mom. i think it's very generous of you, maybe a little excessive. I suggest thinking about it for 24 hours... and in the meantime do something nice for yourself with 1/2 of the saved cell phone money - like get a pedicure or something.

PS. My son and I have NO FOOD in the fridge. We've been eating the same leftover spaghetti with jarred sauce and melted american cheese slices for 3 days now. Gak! I'm sick of it but I'm broke. Maybe you can send meatloaf some our way. :-)
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Old 04-08-2010, 12:53 PM
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CyberRenos: Arroz con Pollo Recipe

I'm on my 2nd batch - takes 3 batches to fill one of those big pans.

But I used less expensive chicken thighs and boiled them in heavily seasoned water. Put them on top of the prepared rice, sprinkled with cheese, wrapped the whole thing in foil and it's heat and eat ready.

For personal use only - no sharing with addicted kids!
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:36 PM
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hi Cb,

I could say its enabling or it could be a culture type of thing. In more ways then one it sounds like enabling but then I know in my culture and background we like to feed people... we get enjoyment within ourselves knowing we cooked food and that they are eating a lot of it. My nationality is spanish and I know my mom, exMIL... woudl cook up a storm if they knew it would go to use and not have minded at all.

How do you feel about making the food? Are you questioning that your enabling? Or do you feel good about providing some food to where your daughter is staying. Only you truly know the answer to this question.

Hugs,
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:45 PM
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I'm Puerto Rican. I cook the pernil (pulled pork) and the beef for the meals low and slow and with loads of Sazon.

My daughter isn't in a 12 step program, she's having a more cognitive based therapy. Guilt is not a part of the her therapy, neither is blame. I don't know what's right and what's gonna work or not work, but I don't want to enable her to do drugs - I just want to make sure everyone gets plenty of food.

I'm really terrible too - I buy homeless guy (Robert Jr.) food when I see him out there, this morning he wanted a 6 pack of juice. I don't know what has led him to the street or what may bring him back, but if my daughter was out there I would want some mom to buy her a pack of juice and spend a few minutes chatting to see if she wanted assistance.

I'm on unemployment and I do a lot of my shopping at the 99 cents only store. I have far more than I need and plenty to share.
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Old 04-08-2010, 01:51 PM
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I love Jewell's quote:

The thing we feel most guilty doing or the thing we hate to do the most is probably the right thing to do where the addict is concerned. It is the hardest thing of all to do. And if you don't know what to do .. then best to do nothing (safer ground).
Maybe it applies in this situation.
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Old 04-08-2010, 02:08 PM
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It seems this could be a little over the top. How about some crackers and peanut butter.......so she can make to the next week. The jars now have jelly mixed in it. It would not need refrigerating.
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Old 04-08-2010, 02:16 PM
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I think you have a heart of gold, and your daughter is one lucky girl.

That said, maybe send this stuff since it's already made, but give some thought to whether this is helping her or keeping her from finding her own way in life.

The hardest lessons for me to learn with my son was to let go and let him make his own mistakes, let him find his own way and learn to survive in the world without his mama taking care of everything. I was robbing him of lessons he needed to learn about taking care of himself.

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Old 04-08-2010, 03:35 PM
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If I kept getting lifted up, I'd have never learned how to do it for myself.

You are a good mama, you know what's best I'm sure..
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Old 04-09-2010, 04:36 AM
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I gotta say that I pray that if my son becomes homeless that no one gives him money or food - hunger is a great motivator and causes the survival instinct to kick in big time.

"But it's only a Big Meal from McDonald's. What can that hurt?" Well, it's all the food he would need for that entire day and maybe more - so that the money he would get given to him by "caring people" (it's only $1!!) can add up throughout the day to buy some alcohol or drugs. There's got to be a better way to help people who have deteriorated to homelessness.

Anyway, that's my take on it. Take what you need and leave the rest.
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Old 04-09-2010, 12:49 PM
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Hmmmm? I know what your heart is saying, but now it's time to listen to your head.

As difficult as it may be for you and for her, this is yet another "life" lesson.

It's almost like when they are in jail/prison, the more you help with money on the books, phone calls, packages, etc., the more comfortable you make them, the more they continue to depend on you.

The object is to let them learn how to take care of themselves. It's difficult to stand by and watch them, and they will beg and plead, cry, or whatever, but remember it's for their/her own good.

It's a good thing she is so far away otherwise you would be there cooking for her all the time. I'm sure there are people there to watch and care for the adults and make sure they are fed. She'll be ok, she will not starve I promise you.

That said, you sure can bring that food here to me. I love tamales and enchiladas!

Hugs and Strength coming your way
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Old 04-09-2010, 06:14 PM
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My heart and my head are both telling me that today's drugs are far too dangerous to allow my daughter to hit bottom without doing everything I can to get her cured from her addiction. I've searched my soul and know where I stand. I could not live with myself if she dies and I hadn't done all I could.

While I respect your opinions and your right to them, and am so grateful for all of your input, I choose to be the safety net that keeps my daughter alive. Whatever it takes - I want to be ready and if that means we're working a 12 step program because that's what she responds to, then I'm in a 12 step program becoming prepared.

I complain about the insurance company's lack of care of my daughter - she is about to lose 90% of that care on April 22nd. I will have to begin anew with a new team of professionals as best I can, in case she responds to a more cognitive form of therapy. I spent most of today making the necessary connections so I'll be prepared.

She's been getting high on Meth for almost 11 of her 27 years. This is not my first 12 step go round or my first time with medical professionals. It's just my first time on this forum.

While I have never been known to be much of a Dr Phil fan and honestly think he's full of it - he brought this information to light through his celebrity and I appreciate him for doing so. I think it's interesting and encouraging for me. For the longest time my AD's response to everything was "Whatever" That's now my response - "Whatever Works".

Both forms of therapy can work together only if the addict is alive to let the help in.

The following was posted on another list by a fellow parent of an addict:

************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************
"The "rock-bottom" idea is a recovery version of an urban legend. I know of no conference approved literature of any 12 Step fellowship that states this, nor have I ever found any scientific research (which I have to keep on top of professionally in my "civilian life") that supports such an idea. I suspect it's a holdover from the early days before AA split from the Oxford Groups when Bill W. went looking for prospects on his local skid row. If you recall the story, the fellow who brought the message to him (Ebby) had not hit "Rock Bottom" and neither had Dr. Bob when Bill reached out to him. And neither Bill W. nor Dr. Bob sought help, they accepted it when brought to them by non-judgemental fellows.

"This "Rock-Bottom" idea persists and causes ...[much]pain... It directly contradicts the NarAnon message of hope. I've had to learn that my addict has a Higher Power who loves him more than I do, and Whose ways are rightly beyond my understanding. My job is hands-off his disease and work on my own. I truly believe that this will be the only path to healing for either of us."

I posted the above responding to another message, but it seems to fit here as well.

Some other thoughts:

Sometimes we folks in recovery get the idea that we have THE ANSWER to addiction, and that the only way into recovery is the one we spell out. But we are not the only ones concerned with this. There exists a multitude of researchers who, in the spirit of Dr. Silkworth, seek to understand and treat this disease from the scientific point of view. They have learned much, and they have much to teach us. This body of research-validated knowledge is what Dr.Phil is referring to when he recommends a structured intervention "done right", in other words by people who have been trained and demonstrated competence in this.

But we are not the professionals. We are the hurt & damaged folks desperate for change in our addicted loved ones. As such, we cannot effect change in our addicts, let alone lead such an intervention. Alas, many of us do not have access to professional help.

Dr. Phil also makes a very valid point when he says "rock bottom " may mean "six feet under." He isn't necessarily saying we should "force" our ALOs into treatment, but encouraging us to seek out professionals ($$such as himself$$) who are trained in motivating addicts into change. An ESSENTIAL part of that is teaching loved ones to set and keep firm boundaries. What Dr. Phil is NOT saying is that we should nag, badger, coerce, obsess over, feel guilty about or otherwise inflict suffering on ourselves over someone's addiction.

Treatment can lead one to recovery. Actually, treatment for addiction leads to recovery much more often than treatment for diabetes leads to recovery (stabilization) for the diabetic. We just need to be realistic about how often that at is. Less than 30%. But compare that with less than 10% without treatment. So there is much more hope for our addicted loved ones than there was 30 years ago. But OUR best hope remains in seeking our own recovery.

My opinion is worth what you paid for it.
************************************************** ****************

I apologize for my strong tone, but I find that writing this, or saying this to someone just bolsters my strength and reafirms my belief. I do not want to be posting over on the grief & loss threads - I could barely read them. But I need to prepare myself, don't I.

CB
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Old 04-10-2010, 04:19 AM
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Oh, CB, I do feel your fear coming right off the screen.

Everyone's "bottom" is at a different level, not always in the "rocks", or on skid row, as that writer would have us think that's what we're talking about.

I believe in the "bottom" concept because of my years of experience dealing with, and seeing, addicts recovering. But I believe that it's an emotional bottoming out. The pain that their using has caused is just too great to continue to bear, and sometimes, yes, it is about being homeless and hungry, and all kinds of situations that cause despair.

But I didn't post to argue about that.

My take on the HEAVILY-laden plate of food you prepared is slightly different.

(BTW, it all sounded super wonderful)

I LOVE to serve people. I try and touch people - strangers, co-workers, friends - every single day. It just makes me feel good, and honestly, I feel that the way I interact with others is part of my purpose here on earth. (Not to say I think I'm magic or anything, I just have a kind and loving spirit and I show it to people)

Sometimes, for instance when I planned and executed a dinner for 90 people recently, and it went off without a hitch, or just showing up in someone's hospital room for a visit, I get thanked (or applauded in the case of that dinner). It feels good to be appreciated!

I think there is a fine line between simply serving others, doing good in your little corner of the world, and getting our good feelings from accolades, or other people's compliments.

So, what I'm seeing is the possibility that you put yourself in a position to arrive at the doorstep of these needy people, plus whatever staff is in place, like Santa Claus. Wow, what a terrific, giant bunch of really great food! Who would not get excited about that?

I think there might be an enabling element here, but I guess I don't see it so much as that.

And I am so glad your daughter is in the hands of people who can help to keep her safe. Meth is a hard, hard one to kick, and the effects are crazy ugly. I will say a prayer for her. And for you, Mom. Hope you keep coming here.
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Old 04-10-2010, 10:39 AM
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About this cooking thing...I hate to think I'm doing it for the glory. I was able to share some with my neighbor and he was so wonderful, he bought me a big batch of my favorite biscotti that you can only get at one of the big club stores. I don't shop there cuz they don't take food stamps. It all just felt so warm and fuzzy.

Today I'm batching up the enchiladas. My AD hasn't made it it back to her board and care yet. It feels like such a chore for such an ungrateful child. I just have to remember her mind is not her own and that she's under the influence of drugs.

I have to hope she lived through the night and trust that the powers that surround her with protection have succeeded and she still lives.

Me, I just keep making those enchiladas. The cooking tastes better when the emotions are strong. She asked me to come a week early so I'll have to have it all done by Tuesday - if she comes back to the board and care. A lot of times she has a psychotic break and has to go to the lock down psychiatric hospital. The don't need the dinners there.

The meetings in my area are so far away, and this last month has been such a struggle for me. I just want you to know how much I appreciate having this avenue of interaction available. When I get sick and tired of playing her reindeer games, I scoot over to facebook and play the video games - keeps my mind otherwise occupied.

CB
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Old 04-10-2010, 06:51 PM
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Not knowing all the details, I can see where it might just look like that but I'm tired of giving background/update info and of explaining my actions.

If she shows up alive and wants food - I'm feeding her. If your signifigant addict happens to be living in the same board and care facility and wants food - I'm feeding him/her too. That's it. That's my final answer.

Please feel free to think what you will but I'm done responding/explaining my actions and moving on to the next big thing.

CB

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