Karrie,

A lot of statements that jumped into my head while reading were said by others.

Will try and remember the ones that were not ---

The Buprenorphine: yes, it would help with w/drawal symptoms, but if he is only taking one every so often....what withdrawal??
Also, you said he "was able to buy" some. Hmmm, has he a street connection? Buprenorphine, or the brand name Suboxone, is prescribed by very few docs - they have to be licensed or certified or something. This is also a route that the more severe opiate addicts go - when they've tried getting clean and repeatedly failed.


Home Drug Testing: If you do purchase one, get a 12-panel test. If he has taken Benzo's, they can stay in the system for up to two weeks. The one time I had my addict b.friend drop one, I stayed in the bathroom while he went. He was agreeable because #1 - he knew he got us in this predicament and #2 - he knew he hadn't taken any. But! it came up positive for benzo. He said "I told you I had taken them prior to last week. That's why it came up positive." Thankfully I sent the sample into the lab, as is recommended, because of false positives. When I called the lab I was floored and relieved cuz that's exactly what it was. Also, for about 20 more bucks, you can do a hair test. The hair has to be I think at least 3" long, because a substance will stay in the follicle for 3 months - each inch gets one month of history. Not that I'm advocating you being the drug police - what a rotten role to play, and not healthy for a marriage! But IF he wants to clean up and IF this is a part of the afterplan....just what I have discovered.

Detox - I would suggest that you leave this kind of decision to the professionals. If you decide to give an ultimatum - you guys might decide that he needs rehab for instance (and yes, he might not have it that "bad" that he can have a lot of success with outpatient) - that will happen in an INTAKE. In the intake appointment, the counselor will assess his needs, and this will be one of them. He'll either have to detox before the program, or if it's inpatient, that will be his first fews days there. If he has the need to "detox", then he's got a serious addiction and one that it is sometimes risky to go cold turkey. (fun fact - the term cold turkey came from morphine and heroin addicts quitting all of a sudden. there is such physical withdrawal that one of the typical symptoms is to get a bad case of gooseflesh. also "kicking the habit" comes from this, as sudden muscle twitches in the legs, sometimes severe, occurs)

You are understandably obssessed with this right now. You are adjusting to your new-found knowledge, and getting a lot of information/opinions. I hope that things start to become clear and you two can decide what's going to happen. For now, maybe, take a deep breath.

Coffeedrinker thanks for your input and taking time to respond. He had 1 Bup. that he cut up into 4's and took a little piece each day. I saw the pill and looked it up on the pill identifier. He bought it off the street. He has not tested positive for oxy since Nov. and there has been no money coming out of the account since then either. He was spending 200 - 300 each month since April. We use nothing but our debit cards so it is easy to see when he takes cash out.

He has tested positive for opiates and Benzo's after his accident and DUI the week before Christmas and then last Sat. he only tested pos. for benzo's. So your prob. wondering well if no cash is coming out of the account how is he still taking drugs. Well he is selling an item at work that he is able to pocket the money off of. The item sells for about $10 and on average sells about 1 or 2 a week. So I still do not know what he is spending on drugs. Could he of faked his drug test sure . . . is he still taking oxy's I don't no. I don't have a clue what the truth is because he does nothing accept lie. Typical addict!

Yes I have used the 12 panel tests.

About the Detox. He is seeing a counselor. Today will be his 3rd session. She said at his first session that he was a drug abuser and didn't feel as though he was addicted. She did not recommend detox. I am not involved with his counseling even though I wish I were. Seeing that he is still using I don't see how it is really working.
Right know I am trying to figure out what I am going to do when I find him using again. I am kicking myself because he caught me off gaurd with it this weekend. I thought the accident was a wake up call and he had stopped. His mood was good, no signs of using and positive talking.

My family is telling me I should talk to him about doing sometype of program wether it be inpatient or a more intense outpatient program. I am getting the feeling they are wondering why I am doing nothing. I have told them that I can't make him do it and they think I need to at least give him a BIG NUDGE!
I am wondering if I should ask him to go with him to his counselor today so that I can talk to her to see if a program like that what be a good choice for him.
Or should I do nothing and if uses again just kick him out.
One thing I know is that if I find him using again I can not keep doing what I'm doing. Something has got to change.

On the show intervention the family tells the addict how they are affecting all of their lives and that they want them to go to rehab. Since the addict didn't come to them and say that then how does it ever work.
Why won't it work for me to do this with him. Do you all think intervention doesn't work?

I DO think that interventions can work... but it still has to start with the addict wanting it. They may start out just going to make their loved ones shut up planning on returning to using as soon as they get out, maybe even thinking that this brief stint of getting clean will help them hide the use better later. The places they are sent to on the show are REALLY good places with great support and once the detox is over and the fog clears some of them realize they REALLY DO want to get clean. Some might have been wanting it for a while but didnt know how to go about doing it. Rehab is expensive and because of that it might not have been an option for them before. It still boils down to they must really want it and be ready to work really hard to get over the psychological addiction cuz you cant do one without the other.

About the first statement up there (see arrow pointing up)
this is smart cuz it gets you in the ready mindset. My ex-husband was an infrequent binge drinker. I never knew when it was going to happen. But, one day I told myself "the next time..." and when that next time came, I sprang into action. He was a remorseful, broken man, and due I believe to his vulnerable state, agreed to everything I had laid out. It worked great and the rehab facility was waiting for him. Well....until he relapsed.

Knowing ahead of time what you are going to say to him, will help you when your heart is racing and he starts talkin his talk. Following through on whatever it is you're gonna say is probably most important.

Please don't kick yourself because - well, how on earth could you have known back then what you do now?? Hindsight, ya know what they say.

The Intervention show:
For one thing, I'm thinkin they only air the "success story" ones.
These people that go to the intervention are so bad off, their families are so desperate, hand-wringing, spiritually sick when they get to this point. My belief is (and we've heard versions of this in this thread) is that the intervention works because the addict is also sick, and at the end of their rope. And also the power of the group factors in. I don't know your husband, but it just rings that he thinks he has things perfectly under control at the moment. The counselor probably DID say he is only an abuser, because that is the truth that he told her, as he sees it. In my previous post I was referring to an intake counselor that he would be visiting with.

You going with to an appointment? Again, hard hard hard to be hands off, but possibly the only value in suggesting that would be to hear what his reaction would be. Could be wrong of course, but I am guessing that he doesn't want you within 10 miles of his counselor.

Karrie, you've recieved so much good advice. I want to respond specifically to one thing you said. You said something along the lines of should I just go about my business and let him go about his? the answer, in short is yes. You mention he wrecked while under the influence. What was his consequence? If you mentioned it I missed it. The addict in my life did not stop when I made him leave. He did not stop when every single member of his family put him out of the house because he would get drunk/high and do something stupid. He didn't stop when he went to jail. He didn't stop when I took him back. The addict has to find his bottom, and by "helping" we are often prolonging the addiction by staving off the consequences. Advice about your child. If he is using in the house (and if he;s using he's using in the house) you should probably leave, or find a way to get him out of the house. It took law enforcement to get mine to get out. He wouldn't go just because I told him to! The reasons have already been mentioned by others. Not with the intention that this will finally fix him, but with the intention of protecting your child. WE have to find our bottom, too. We have to finally get to the place where we won't take anymore, where we realize that this is beyond our ability to control. ALL you can contol, the ONLY thing you can change is you. It's so hard, I know, but you aren't his warden. You aren't his mother. I will be thinking of you...

My brother entered a program that required him to drug test regularly. He got thrown out after months of testing negative when they figured out he was cheating the test the entire time. He was using both suboxone and oxy during that period. He got a kick out of outsmarting the doctors.

Kentucky and Connecticut sued Purdue, the makers of Oxy and won - they admitted to lying about the addictive properties of the drug, and marketing it as less addictive than other pain killers*. It is absolutely not. I say this only to make it clear that I don't believe anyone when they say they will quit on their own or that they can control their use. With this drug, most abusers are also addicts or will become addicts very quickly. Unfortunately, once they are in the thralls of it only their own strength will bring them through it. They get themselves there, they have to get themselves out.
(That being said - we practically dragged my brother to rehab, knowing he was just days away from killing himself. Not sure if we saved his life or just prolonged the agony. But he's sober today and in a better place to make that choice for himself.)

My conclusion is that we have to find help for ourselves, if for no other reason that to shore ourselves up for both the best and the worst that may come. If my brother now decides to kill himself with drugs, I want to be in a place where I can physically, mentally and emotionally accept that choice without it destroying me too.

* I do discern between people prescribed this drug who become addicted and people that purposely take it without every having a prescription. There are victims out there who become addicted to this legally prescribe substance but there are plenty that take it recreationally and think they are too tough to become hooked.

Karrie
you have received alot of good advice here and I know it all feels like to much to take in

One thing you mentioned and I wanted to address is ....

feel that he may never stop. If I stand by and do nothing, but take care of me.
Isn't there something that gives every addict a reason to want to stop or at least that gets them thinking about trying to stop or that gets them to even think about wether they have a prob. or not?

yes there is somethig we can do and thats not to sit back and watch it happen and do nothing

what you can do is start with beginning to look at you, your life and what you want for you and your child

determine what you will and will not accept

set your boundaries -- what you are willing to do to enforce those boundaries

you tell him and you allow him to make his own decisions

BUT its really important to say what you mean and stick to it...........if you say one more time and your out......then you dont stick to it he "learns" that you will continue to tolerate the addiction and there is no reason for him to stop, why stop he has his home you his child food a warm bed and someone to bail him out of jail.........these are the ways we enable the addiction we cant make them stop but we can make it to easy for them to continue to use, but we can also make the changes in our lives based on what we are willing to tolerate thats where boundaries come in.

for each of us our boundaries are different--and for me they have changed alot over time, some of us may not be ready or willing to ask the addict in their life to leave so they dont set that boundary.........some ask them to leave each person has their own path-- its your life that is involved not just his

you have choices but what i think everyone is trying to express to you is that your choices even though they "could" provoke him to get into treatment and maybe get clean

getting and staying clean will be up to him.........you cant make him want it and you can't fix this for him.

its really about what you want in your life, not what you want for him or for his life
you can only change you, you cant change him he must do that but you dont have to sit back and watch it happen, and you dont have to enable him...........

enabling and "helping" or being supportive can be really confusing for those of us who love an addict............

It is my opinion that if you decide that you want him to complete detox and follow that up with a program of recovery and you make that a boundary that is certainly an option
............the tricky part is where you have to determine if your doing it for him or for you.

Boundaries are used to make your life better ---in a perfect world putting our foot down and making consequences and demands, or watching and drug testing would make them stop but sadly nothing we can do will make them stop that decision is up to them.

Stick around read the sticky posts learn all that you can about addiction and families
alanon and family groups are helpful.

You aren't alone theres alot of support here.