Care
 

Why don't our addicts care? My husband has been gone for almost two weeks now and it just seems as though he doesn't care. Not about me but, the kids. The kids are the main ones that suffer. True he wasn't there often but, he would come home long enough to change his clothes and get a few hours sleep before work. The kids would see him then , now not at all. I know it is probably for the best but, it hurts me to see my kids hurt. My daughter called him last night and got no response. This morning I called him and he said he has been busy at work. I responded by saying that his kids are important and I too have been busy at work but, I still manage to do his job as well as mine. He blew up and said what the he** is wrong with YOU I have a job to do. Then he started talking in fast talk and I guess he was high. I got off the phone and said to myself it looks like Im gonna be doing this on my own. I caled my parents and they assurred me that I had been doing it on my own anyway.

The funny thing is ...he does call but, when the kids are sleep or at school. I know then that he is calling for me and not them so I don't answer. WHERE IS THAT LOVING HEART I ONCE KNEW? :a108:

Your friends are right...you have been doing it alone anyway.
Seeing my son suffer as a result of my exah's addiction was by far the most painful and infuriating thing about my exah's addiction.
Give your kids an extra hug each day and remind yourself what a great gift you are giving them...a peaceful, healthy and calm home-life...and a healthy, happy mom.
Hugs and understanding...

so sorry their dad isnt being much of a dad, but they are lucky to have you

you can't really do his job with the kids.............you can do yours and you are by giving them a loving mom whos not willing to expose them to active addiction anymore...

just assure your kids that its not their fault daddys not there and explain as much as you can on their age levels..........about drugs and addiction when it becomes necessary

as they get older they will come to an understanding

Your parents are right you've been doing all the parenting and you can continue to do it

I know it hurts, but we can't make people get clean and we cant make them be good parents either..........

my stepson (my son to me) has a biomom thats active in her addiction and has had very little to do with him his whole life~~~~no calls no visits no birthday card even

and he has a dad ( my AH) whos been in treatment for his addiction for the last 8-9 months so his son sees him very infrequently

its difficult when the kids suffer or miss out on time they should have with their parents

but I know that hes better with me, I am his parent too!

I love him i care for him and I make sure he knows thet neither of his parents addiction is his fault, theres nothing he could do about it, and its not a matter of how much either one of them love him.........
thats all i can do.............love him and make sure he knows hes loved and addiction is a disease not a lack of their love for him..........

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))

P.S. I believe that its impossible for them to care and to be using drugs..............they use drugs NOT to feel.............not to think and Not to care

as long as they have drugs to numb their emotions they arent capable of caring for themself or anyone else
(just my opinion)

They dont care because they cant. Addicts are broken individuals. Its the hallmark of addiction. Its why so many of us are here posting and treading through these difficult paths.

Your not alone in your questioning. I too, have been there. I just kept telling myself that it was the drugs, the drugs, the drugs. To look at it any other way personalizes it, for me at least.

Addictions ultimate goal is to steal. Steal everything that means anything to the addict. Steal their very souls. And if any part of the addict is willing that is exactly what happens.

I know this is hard, especially for the kids. My kids had a hard time as well but all you can do is tell them that daddy is sick.

Thank you for all of your posts............

It often gets hard not to personalize it. I sit back and think was it something I did or didn't do to trigger him to start using drugs. I ask why wasn't I good enough? I am getting better of letting go and letting GOD but, it is difficult. I often ask (which I shouldn't) why is God taking so long to intervene and help me in the healing process. I am just so tired. Everyone always looks to me to be so strong but, right now I am so fragile. The sad thing is I can only share that with SR and my parents because it seems as though in this society people take advantage of you when they figure out that you might be a little weak!!!

unhappy, do u go to meetings? not only would it help you heal, but you could also be getting some f2f hugs.

I'm sending you a cyper hug!

Remember, YOU are doing a good job, YOU are a responsible and loving Mom!

:hug: Chris

Unhappy-
I read your post and it's painfully familiar. I'm new to this site and just beginning my recovery process. I read your post last week regarding him leaving and it gave me the strength to tell my AH to leave. My situation is very similar to yours. I'm the primary bread winner. I have small children. I'm also the "strong" one in everyone's eyes. He is recovering??? from an opiate addiction. He was extremely depressed and was constantly falling asleep. Your post inspired me to set some boundries for myself and my children. It's hard enough for me to understand why he isn't happy; I can't image what the kids are thinking. My therapist (who specializes in adolescents) advised me to tell the children that he is sick and he needs to be alone while he is getting better along with stressing how much both mom and dad love them. In the past, I've felt sorry for myself. Worried that I would have to do everything and then I realized that even though I have a husband, I've been acting like a single mom all along. Homework, physicals, nightmares, tantrums - all my problem. I've stopped feeling sorry and realized that my children are fortunate to have a mom as strong as I am. He also calls me during the day at work and after the kids go to sleep - sad. Stay strong. My biggest fear was that we would divorce and my kids would be traumatized. Now, I need to set those boundries and stay strong for all of us. He's not capable of doing the right thing now. Not sure if I've helped at all; just wanted to let you know how much your strength inspired me. Stay strong - our babies need us......

I completely understand what you're saying, unhappy.

When I first left my exah, I was so tired and fragile.

I was also extremely ANGRY at God. I felt so abandoned. For years I had prayed, pleaded, begged with God that my exah would recover and that our marriage would survive. I poured every ounce of strength and all of my hope into these prayers and yet my exah spiraled deeper into addiction and our marriage fell apart.

I remember feeling guilty that I was angry...I chided myself for not accepting things as they were. I was impatient and angry with myself, with God, with my exah, and with life in general.

Eventually, when I ran out of steam, I surrendered and I changed my prayer and I simply asked God to lead me where he wanted me to go and to give me the strength to hold on for the ride as he led me.

I think you're in a similar place right now. The only thing I can tell you is that things will get better. You've been thru the worst of it. Gradually, the feelings of abandonment and anger will give way to hope and happiness as you continue to do the right thing...which is take care of you and your children and leave your ah in God's care. I left my exah a little over 4 years ago and I can't even tell you the ways my life has improved...God brought me through the storm and He has blessed me in so many ways. Today, my heart overflows with gratitude and wonder at all of the blessings God has given me.

I know you feel fragile and defeated right now. I know you're tired and angry and a whole bunch of other things. You have a right to all of those feelings. Just know, however, that you're going to be okay...that things WILL get easier...and blessings will come your way.

You may feel fragile but you're an incredibly strong woman. its okay if you don't feel strong. Just keep going...keep plugging away...I really believe that you'll feel stronger with each passing day.

Sending hugs, prayers and strength...

uphappy, i agree with the others, i've been there too.

i think i posted the exact same thing when i first came here and someone here helped me to realize that i'd been taking care of everything anyway and for so many yrs. i know how it feels to be just plain tired of "being strong", it takes time but it does get easier. my ah has been gone now for at least 2yrs and no he don't contact the kids or pay any support but by the grace of god, we are still better off with him gone rather than being around.

i always tried to explain to my kids that their dad was sick and that if he stayed, then i would probably end up just as sick. when my kids were younger, i took them to meetings with me and that helped too. i was told as long as i'm ok, then they will be too.

i think you are being a good mom and you already know that nothing you could have done differently would have made him do anythink differently.

i agree with liesagain, when i was in active addiction, i really did care about my family and my actions. it was one of the most painful parts of my life, i hurt so much for my family and everything else i could think to hurt about until all i wanted to do was stay high, even though being high was actually destroying my life.

first of all, just like i obsessed about my ah, when active in my addiction, i obsessed so much more about how to get drugs/how to be able to use. in my mind, i cared so much for my family and the pain was so severe until i thought if only i could get high, i could feel some relief from that hurting in my heart. with the crashing came the severe depression and reminders of how much of a mess i was making for everyone i claim to love.

my answer would be to you, that its possible that he does care but he's an addict and his addiction won't let him focus on anything except it. addiction has a mind of its own, it does what it wants to. for me, until i sought help, my mind said one thing and my body would do something totally different. it was like, things i knew was right to do, i couldn't do, only those things that i didn't want to do, is what i did. hope this makes some kind of sense.

anyway, i do know how you feel and its not so easy to understand even when you've been on both sides of the track. i still struggle trying to understand why my ah is still doing the same as yours. you and your kids are in my prayers.

Thank You for all of your replies. I am really just having a hard time. Most of you know what your AH are addict to, I don't. I know he drinks but, that is all that he will admit to. I have seen him in altered states but, I don't really know what he is on. One therapist even suggested that he might just be mentally ill. He still is able to function at work (right now). But he has all the behaviors of an addict. I am so frustrated. What if something else is wrong and I'm being critical. Please advise

sorry you are having a hard time, i do understand. maybe if you could remind yourself why is he gone in the first place. its hard to figure out whats going on with addicts. you say he drinks alot is that why he's gone? i was always told to follow my gut feeling and go with that. time will tell you what you need to know. if he is using, it will progressively get worse, then you'll know.

most addicts i've known, won't admit to being an addict/or using until they realize and accept that they are. i would physically see my ah using/acting strange and he would swear me down that i was just seeing things and i was going insane. me trying to prove what my gut was telling me and trying to figure out whether or not he was using, was really making me insane. i HAD to learn to keep the focus on me because him and his behavior was making me sick.

Cessy

make yourself a list...............about those altered states and addict behavior........
then list all the positive things he brings to your life daily...........not just "in the beginning"

when you look at it in black and white............will it really matter what hes on? or if hes on anything?

its the actions that effect our lives that matter

my husband ~~~sure I know his drug is crack...........He can also hold a job, run a business bring in good money.( more in a week than I make all month and I have a high paying job)..........and the addict behaviors arent even there for oh lets say 5 - 6 months at a time..................but when the urge is strong ----hes off.........and moneys gone, hes missing in action for a day or two..........then repeat....great guy noone would ever suspect hes a crack addict he works people love him he a good dad and husband....always treated me with respect would do anything in the world for me, plays with the kids helps at home Doesnt even drink at all...........but who CARES what he looks like on the outside or how he is when hes clean or if he keeps a job its the fact that every 6 months or so..............he leaves heading to work, off goes the cell phone and money flies out of the bank.............oh until i took him off the accounts............but then it became pawned tools or "lost" automobile even stealing or borrowing from our friends................

Some people actually have said to me........its not so bad at least hes good inbetween........HA good inbetween only makes it worse to me and for me.............

addiction is progressive and cunning and it doesnt matter what it looks like.........altered states daily, falling down drunk every night or a binge on crack for a day or two every 6 months or so...............its all the same its
addiction and it hurts like hell..............its not about us, oh how I wish it were sometimes cuz me.......I can fix or at least work on but him.............well thats for him and his Higher power who I call God to work on

((((((((((((Hugs ))))))))))))))) I know how hard this is but really you have done all you can, try to take care of yourself

Thank You!!!

He has always drunk alcohol but, I know it's another mind altering substance he is dealing with. I will try to have a positive productive weekend but, in my heart he will always be....... I hate having these feelings.

Yes I have been to a couple of meetings and they actually weren't the right fit. I live in Calui and the eeting I went to only had two members that didnt even have situations remotely close to mine. Hopefully, I can try another location soon. I don't have anyone to watch my children after hours but, I'm working on it.

Because they're addicts.

Not being a wiseass, but it's a bit like asking why a dog barks.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Unhappy................as for meetings, i would say just keep looking and dont narrow yourself to one kind of meeting.........

theres:

Alanon
families anon
CoDa meetings
celebrate recovery for families


and also, some of these meetings have online meetings in real time.............not as good but something:)

Also you can keep reading about codependency........it really helped me when I started looking at me

(((((HUGS)))))))))

PS ----unhappy

Its okay to love them.....detaching and removing yourself from the front row of his addiction doesnt ever mean your have to stop loving them or hoping----
it just means you have chosen to look out for yourself...........maybe he can hit his bottom and finally face his addiction and get better maybe not.............but its up to him

just wanted to say that when my kids were younger i took them to meetings with me but i did find a good one at a church. i also found one that had like kiddie meetings at the same place and time. maybe you could check into that, you never know what you might find.

I just hope that it all gets better soon.....UGH

I thought that it was going to be easier once he was gone but, it just gets more confusing!!!!

I think you know in your gut that his is an Addict/Alcoholic. I understand going back and forth between what you think, and also the "what if I'm wrong - oh crap, I'm supposed to be the strong, caring, supportive woman." But you know what? You're not wrong.

Here's the deal:
Addiction is a primary disease. It has to be arrested before any other disease or issue can be addressed - it gets in the way of the mental illness that he may or may not have. I have just learned about the biochemistry of addiction and how once those neurotransmitters stop working, the person no longer gets feelings of pleasure. So when they're not high OF COURSE THEY ARE DEPRESSED. It's chemical, plain and simple. But, perhaps he ALSO has depression - at this point it doesn't matter.

I would also challenge you to re-think the position that it's harder now, now that he's gone. I bet walking on eggshells, guessing his mood and feeling like you're being lied to wins the prize.

Peace....