Child Role Question/Curiosity
 

I was thinking about the children's various roles they play within a family, the hero, scapegoat, etc and I was wondering if one was better to be than the other? Do you think being the "hero" child or the "mascot" child is healthier than being the "scapegoat" or "lost" child? In some ways I do, I guess. One works well which is a valuble skill to have and the other can still see the good in life, as opposed to the scapegoat who acts out and gets in trouble constantly or the lost child who's an introvert and doesn't learn any social skills... Just curious to see what you guys think.

Here's the roles:

The Hero Saves the Day
There is one super-responsible child in every dysfunctional family. Usually, it is the oldest child, but if the second child is a girl she may take on the hero role. She takes care of younger siblings, cooks, cleans, shops and manages money and household tasks. The hero often becomes the unwitting confidant of a parent and has few friends her own age. There is much praise and approval from parents and outsiders for heroes. Many people do not understand the inappropriateness and weight of this role for children.

Another form the hero role takes is the super-achiever child, who may excel at sports and is driven to achieve high academic marks. The perfectionism inherent in this role creates problems when an adult child cannot control the lives of everyone around him. He means well, but often his efforts meet with resentment and his own feelings stay buried. Heroes are certain they have to earn the right to be loved, and to be happy. They equate doing enough with being enough. Their strategy to fix the family is to work as hard as they can so the family will look and be better.

The Scapegoat Takes the Blame
The dysfunctional family is in denial--no one wants to admit that drug and alcohol addictions cause all the problems. One member of the family accepts the role of responsibility for everyone's feelings of frustration. Parents and other siblings, and perhaps the scapegoat himself, believe that "if only" this child would stop getting into trouble, try harder, be more responsible, quit irritating everyone else, that everything would be perfect. Much energy goes into futile attempts to make the scapegoat behave or to putting out the fires that occur because the scapegoat acts out. And no one has to look at the real problem, the elephant in the living room, alcoholism.

The Mascot Entertains
Keep 'em laughing. It often seems as if one child is born with an overactive sense of humor. A funnybone is a good thing, unless it is used to cover up and distract from serious feelings of fear, anger, and hurt. Children in the mascot role channel much of the family insanity into a carefree attitude which helps them survive when things are anything but carefree. The family clown is no doubt crying on the inside.

The Lost Child Fades Away
Most often surrounded by older and younger siblings, the lost or "quiet" child has trouble defining a role of his or her own. The quiet child's needs are ignored, lost in the hubbub of family dysfunction. No one notices she isn't complaining, not participating, and seems withdrawn and even depressed. The lost child's strategy is to not make waves, to keep quiet and hope she can control the outcome of fear-filled situations by becoming invisible. Believing the way to survive is to stay below the radar, the quiet child grows up lacking social skills and missing out on intimacy.

I think they are all difficult roles. I was, and still am, the scapegoat in my family. I've worked very hard at not taking it personally anymore.

My brother is a combination of the hero and the mascot. He has put himself in a pressure cooker for years as an over-achiever, and had his first heart attack at age 40. He hasn't slowed down yet. :(

all the roles you describe seem to have some sort of responsiblity to the parents and all sound disfunctional to me. kids should be kids until they are adults and then they should just be taking care of themselves. i think a healthy family is one where kids can just be themselves without these kinds of burdens.

I don't think any of them are better than the other in the long run. I wanted to say Mascot, but I have a friend who played that role to the point of doing stand up comedy for quite a while. When he couldn't keep the mask on any longer, he turned to Xanax around the age of 50. He has 5 years of sobriety now and cracks jokes a lot less than he used to. He's almost like a completely different person and I'm enjoying getting to know him again :)

These roles are simply used by psychologists and those in the mental health field (myself included) to identify a person's role in the family and to give their struggles some classification, however, each role presents with it's own issues. Just because you may the "Hero" doesn't mean you are the child that will more than likely succeed and vice versa. These roles are only meant to define the family system. I try to stay away from these when working with families and give the families a sense that every one has the same role and to encourage parents not to classify their children.

I'm glad to hear that. I come from a dysfunctional family and I don't fit any of those roles. I briefly tried on each of them but they never felt right and I went my own way.

On the other hand, my daughter willingly played and was assigned the scapegoat role. At first we believed if she'd just get it together, we'd all be much happier. Now we all know better.

To me, I super-easily fit the "lost" child role, but I was just curious to know if any roles were more or less, a better position to be in or not. I mean, they all suck, but I feel like being a "hero" would leave you better prepared for your own, independent life. They certainly all have huge flaws though, no doubt about it..

Thanks for the input.

You are free now, to be the hero if you want to be. Your future is in your hands.

Many families are highly dyfunctional and alcoholism/addiction are not issues.

Most families are functional within their own dysfunction. Make any sense?

Generalizing seems to brushstroke the impact of an individual, in any group.

Jay, I believe that all of the roles equally have there own issues (not necessarily good ones)

I was definitely the "lost child", I personally see how this role has contributed to my becoming a co-dependent adult.

as hello-kitty said "Your free Now" And you can take on any role you want.

Hugs,
Chris

I agree, I didn't write it ;). Copied and pasted.

Mhm, I know. I was just curious about the roles...

this was also true in my family, there were NO alcoholsim/addiction problems, but it was very much a dyfunctional family.

Why would I want to even be any of them?

I think we all mean any role in the world you want...Not one of the types listed here. You can do anything - You have so much talent and intelligence and insight. You can be Jay Bird free to be whoever you want :) :hug:

I like who I am and wouldn't have it any other way.

I've had my own observations on this through the years:

A family unit is like a mobile over a crib - each component has a "role" as the unit seeks equilibrium. This is a reality in every family and is not restricted to the "dysfunctional" ones. It is how a unit, comprised of different people, survives; and this is not to be seen as evidence of a dysfunctional system. This can be seen in any unit - at work, at church, in any organization.

But here's the difference. The more dysfunctional the family, the less ability for the different members in the family to be fluid in what role their personality bends them to. In other words, in the alcoholic family, the child who is the "scapegoat" is always the scapegoat. But in a more healthy family, that child may be a scapegoat in some situations but in other situations be any other role and in his/her whole lifetime have been in all the roles (except those restricted to the parents). The roles always have to be there for the unit to exist, survive, and thrive. But individuals within the unit can change roles without the unit becoming so out of balance that its existence is threatened.

Just my thoughts. Hope that helps somebody, anybody.