I mean this in the kindest way possible, given the situation....

Is it possible, that you need him to need you?

Crack is what is killing him. How does he get it if he is so ill? Are you providing it?

Please just save yourself. If he can't even feed himself and you worry about him, you can call the POLICE or adult protective services. You are not the help he needs, especailly if help = providing crack to a dying addict.

He abused drugs before I met him, but I don't think he was ever totally into heroin, or maybe he was and into crack too. Guess he liked both. Got perscribed methadone on my mother's recommendation (she was a doctor) maybe biggest mistake ever I'm not sure. He was in pain then as by then and the time I met him he had Hep C from shooting whatever, heroin, coke or both maybe.

He gets drugs delivered, same with methadone.

Too bad it's easier to get drugs delieverd than a doctor to come visit.

As the al anons would say - detach with love - it's all you can do.

No, thought about that, no. I tried to leave and the last time he wound up in the hospital. I love and care for him and am sad, but I'd rather he didn't need me in any way other than spending time, like all friends.

[QUOTE=smacked;2387095]Crack is what is killing him. How does he get it if he is so ill? Are you providing it?

I provide him money and that is bad enough. But when someone is in agony, crying, waking you up at all hours, not taking no for an answer and in sheer agony and won't go to the doctor, I give in. It is delivered even though I tell him to go out an get it, he can't hardly move until he gets some

With all due respect, Faithfully, that is not your problem. It's his problem, and he's never going to do anything to help himself so long as you are there doing it for him. He has to hit his bottom, and you being there taking care of him keeps him from doing that. You need to take care of you and let him figure out how to take care of himself; and if he doesn't do that, it's NOT your fault. I'm willing to bet though, that if you left and refused to help him in any way, he would reach the point where he would beg for the ambulance to come get him and take him to the hospital. Then, you would need to LEAVE him there and let them do their jobs. I know it's not easy, but with you sitting there with a front row seat to all the drama, you're just allowing yourself to be drawn into it. You need to get out and stay out.

It certainly sounds like he's in the midst of decay and belongs in a hospital.

So long as you care and provide for him he has no reason to consider other alternatives.

But you know what, this is not about him. It's about taking care of yourself. I don't even know you but I do know that you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been.

As long as he has a warm bed, food, tv... all the basic necessities and $$ provided to him for crack, this will be your life. Nothing changes if nothing changes. Just wondering, what if his dying takes years and years and years.... are you willing to stay with things just as they are now? (Likely it will only get worse.)

YOUR sanity and peace are important, too. You are worth removing yourself from this situation. Do the humane thing and report him to Adult Protective Services when you leave, so you can leave with some peace of mind knowing someone will look into situation and get him the help he needs.

((((HUGS))) I know how hopeless you feel... but please take baby steps to do what's needed.

Adding my prayers for you.

P.S. God WILL forgive you... all you have to do is ask... he'll also give you the strength you need to do the next right thing.

I have read this entire thread and the suggestions given are heartfelt and true. Please, take them.
Take the guilt that you have and that you must "save" him and stow it away, far away. You can't save him. The very best thing for him is for you to leave.

I was given this advice and I begrudgingly took it. It saved a loved one's life.

It will either help him or not, but it's not a loving thing to do to destroy yourself for him.
Love yourself, help yourself. You have the absolute almighty power to do this, and in doing so, you will be helping your loved one.
Prayers for you and him as well...

i think i remember you too. i've read this entire post and it has left me in pain for you. i'm a recovering addict and i agree that crack will numb the pain but IT IS NOT A MEDICINE. if i remember correctly, according to what you posted in the past, you had not talked to his doctors, you only hear what he's telling you the doctors are saying, right?

you say if you leave, he'll end up in the hospital, right? isn't thats where you are trying to encourage him to go? don't you think a hospital can help him more than you can by supplying him his drugs, food and a warm place to crash?

it is not your fault he ended up in the hospital while you were away. he may be sick but sounds like he's telling you whatever he needs to, in order to convince you to continue to help him do his drugs. he ended up in the hospital because he needed medical help and he didnt have you to help him stay doped up. i think he probably won't except medical help because crack addicts would rather do crack than to care about their health. i've been very sick too, but as long as i could do my crack and stay high, i wasn't thinking about going in for the surgery that ended up saving my life.

i lost my little brother to addiction but i refused to help him die by supplying his habit. at least i didn't have to feel guilty for helping him to kill himself.

'M sorry but imo, this man may be using his illness to guilt you into staying with him and supplying his drug habit. so you allow him to have his drugs delivered to the house where you live? did you know that this could bring YOU jail time and cause you to lose your home, car and anything else you own.

i pray that your hp gives you the strength to step aside, hopefully he'll end up in the hospital again, where he can possible get the medical attention that he sounds to desperately need. you are not helping him to get better only to die faster. crack kills.

Hi faithfully,

I'm truely concerned for your emotional well-being. I looked at this thread, with my mouth hanging open, and I wondered if I should even respond.... the reason: because I can not comprehend where you are at, or why you 'feel' this way.

Then I thought about what you said, and one of the first things was, "I used to come here-- if felt likr some of you 'didn't like me'."

That in itself speaks loudly. Clearly you don't like yourself, othewise you wouldn't need affirmation from people here... or from this very sick man.

A lot of people here --- INCLUDING ME, have done things/said things/ etc. that we are not 'proud of'.... with that being said, I understand there are extremes to all behaviors, including addiction & co-dependency.

Ask yourself some questions, like what are you saying about yourself 'supporting' a MAN financially? What are you saying about yourself, by 'aiding' a person to do drugs, but refuses medical treatment that is CLEARLY needed? Obviously you aren't sleeping in a bed with a man that is filled with boils, and his flesh is rotting with infection.... what about YOUR health? what are YOU GETTING OUT OF THIS RELATIONSHIP?

Perhaps you don't want to 'see' that this is absolutly out of control. Your refusal to take some AUTHENTIC responsiblity and accountablity for YOUR PART in all of this, is ultimately going to cause YOU to be ill.... frankly I think you are already.

A blind person could see that sitting by and feeling held prisoner by a man who is letting his body rot away, is utterly unhealthy. Furthermore, what kind of SICK, SICK individual would ask you to witness this??

He is dead wrong in asking/expecting/ etc......... but for some reason, YOU taught him that this is all you are worth. (Sitting by and watching him use drugs and rot away).

Faithfully, I would seriously seek out some professional help for YOU, before it's too late. I'm quite sure that you can't see what you are doing to yourself.

Can you even imagin having a 'normal' person in your life? Having a partner, who can go to the beach with you, or out to the movies? Take you to dinner, and a comedy show, and laugh till you cry? You are dyeing right now, instead of LIVING.

Try to see, what people here are telling you. DON'T take it as criticizm, but an EYE OPENER.

Try to keep posting, even if you hear things you might now want to hear.... it's only going to HELP YOU!!

Hugs,
Cessy

I'm sorry
 

Thank you everyone for your replies and responses. I will never forgive myself for what I've done. I will leave but I love him and worry about him. I always seem to do OK for myself but I refuse to let him be alone, possibly losing a limb in the hospital. I'm sorry that's just not called friendship. We have a different system in canada adult protection services, it's like the only choice I have is calling a cop and psychiatric nurse, for an assessment. If I've done all this to him by enabling him I will never forgive myself and no wonder. I feel like a complete evil person and apparently I am and you're right. Somehow it seems like I'm looking for vindication and I understand that I'm not to be vindicated. I have actually lost my spirit and one day too will be paid for it by dying in hell alone. It's like watching someone dying in front of you in pain and you're not going to give them something to help take the pain away? Everyone, including his methadone pharmicist is looking at me like I'm wrong because I can't force him to get medical care and yes I want him to go to a hospital but often enough, they really don't do anything... with all the disease in IC units etc, it's actually not that safe for someone with open wounds. I want him to go to clinics, get referels to specialists, go to the wound care center, but I'd have to quit my job and drive him around. He is not well enough to take Handy Dart. I will of course take him to the hospital but NOT leave him alone in a hospital if he's getting surgeries, hospitals are not what everyone thinks. Somethings are complex and people who are codependent for addicts have much the same symptoms and sickness and codependents for acutely ill people who are not addicts. I appreciate all your help. I will remove myself from the situation, if only so that I am not giving him money for that stuff. I can figure out a way, I know but now that I've created such bad matters I'm not just going to walk out and leave him without any love or emotional support. I do agree I have to remove myself though from the situation so I will get myself ready, and hopefully I can do the next right thing. Thank you again.

Thank You
 

I feel all your prayers and will keep coming back. I am going to visit a friend tonight, made some food, and will come back tonight. I will only be around the corner. I am not leaving him tonight. But I will not give him any money. I will of course take him to the hospital though at any time he asks. He went out today on his bike but not for long. He is trying to rest right now and I have made him dinner for when he wants it. Thank you. I hope it's Ok if I check in later to re read all your posts, it gives me stregnth but makes me also feel very bad for what I've done

faithfull, you are not to blame for his situation. you can only do so much. so far, you've done what you could to help him but unless you are working in the medical field, how can you help him like he needs to be helped.

i'm still curious to know if you have actually heard his doctor tell you his diagnosis or is it him who is relaying his doctors messages. i honestly don't believe that god will punish you for stepping aside and allowing him to get to the place where he wants to seek help for himself. you don't have to leave forever, only one day at a time. you never know, this may be what will drive him to seek recovery. please don't continue to except the blame for this, i'm sure if you could fix the situation, you would.

remember, while you were not there to help him, he sought help for himself. i think even if he ended up in the hospital, they will have to have permission to treat him and they do call in specialist when needed, don't they?

Hello faithfully, I hope you come back and come back often :) Even in this one thread I can 'see' that some things may be becoming more clear to you. You asked if anyone can relate, well maybe not with everything like Sailorjohn said, but I definitely relate to having felt responsible for someone else. There was a time where I had to make a choice of whether or not to keep enabling my husband to continue his downward spiral of addiction to pain meds. After years of making excuses for him and basically taking care of everything, I had to stop. Just stop. For me. For him.

So as you do the next right thing....which is, I hope, doing what you need to do for you.....I want to leave you with this thought: sometimes love means saying no and/or walking away. It might hurt, it might not feel right, but sometimes giving someone the dignity to take care of themselves (in whatever way that may be) and find their own way is the most loving thing you can do for them.

PS That love can also mean loving yourself.

Faithfully,

I remember you posting...! We are only a ferry ride away, I am in Nanaimo. Hope you never feel again that you are not liked. This is to be a place where we can come and share all we want, get it out with people who understand. I can understand where you might have shyed away, some posts can feel very harsh and bold, "you do this or do that and if you don't then don't come crying back". Maybe without the exact wording, but in so many words that is how we can be left feeling. So take what you like and leave the rest.

You came here and opened up...a huge step! Reaching out for help! From everything you have posted, it is clear that you know it has gone way to far and you are in an emotional turmoil. This man is very very sick, it just seems like he has dragged you into his web, manipulated you, controlled you and convinced you that you are life or death to him. What pops into my mind is the man who took that young girl and hid her for almost 20 years. Some how he convinced her...she had chances to run, but she didn't. Others that they showed and interviewed that went through the samething said they were not locked up, he went to work, they just stayed where they were told, never to run.

I don't know or nor am I no expect, but to me it is a brainwash. Just like this man has done to you. You are not a bad person for the things you are doing, he has convinced you that is your job, you know it is not right, that is what has brought you here.

You are going to need some help, professional that can guide you. My biggest block that haunted me from even posting on here in the beginning is that I was being unfaithful, once I saw that I was just getting it all out and there was nothing unfaithful about it, it released a wall to the beginning of my freedom back.

Rose

I don't think you do understand a bit about hospitals. Canada is a country with very good doctors and medical care, isolation units, sanitary practices, and the lot. It is not some backwater, third-world death-trap.

What could you possibly provide at home (other than access to crack) that is not better done at hospital by pros? You then say:
Somethings are complex and people who are codependent for addicts have much the same symptoms and sickness and codependents for acutely ill people who are not addicts.
OK, fair point, but all that means is that both codependent types are doing the same harm to themselves and to their ill partners, by not allowing them to hit bottom and be forced to allow professionals to help them.

We are not professionals, and we are not detached. We can't get them out of these situations in any way. We are not powerful enough. You seem to think that your emotions, your guilt, your love, your grief, your shame, are powerful enough to cure him. If that were true, none of us would be here.

We didn't cause this. We can't control this, We cannot cure this. All any of us can do is get out of the way before we are dragged along with it. Please, get to an Alanon meeting. You need help. And keep coming back here. None of us are blaming you. We know that you are sick, too.

Love,
KJ