Why is this so hard?
 

Last night I had to go to my Ex fiancés house to get the rest of my stuff and we went for a walk and talked.
He told me what really happend.... Apparently 4 days before we asked him to give us a drug test he was at the store and saw one of his old "buddies" and he doesn't know why but he did get high and when he woke up in the morning he hated him self for doing that. He didn't know how it happened. He said he did it 2 times, and thats why when the test was positive he couldn't believe in it because over 24 hours passed. He said he f*cked up. And this whole thing shouldn't have ended like this.
He is on work release right now till October 8th.
He looked clean 100%.....
when i was sitting next to him and he asked me if i love him, and i said yes, i got this image in my head.... him holding a needle and getting high.... and i said I had to go...
I don't know if I'll ever get that image out of my head....

dream, i can relate to the images. yes they do eventually start to fade. its up to you how long you will allow yourself to go there in your mind. its not easy but you will get there.

excuses, there will always be excuses as long as they are active. i think its common that he would look clean while on work release, maybe give it some time then you'll know whether or not it will stick. is he working some kind of plan of recovery? something to think about.

my ah would sometime do really well as long as he was monitored by the authorities but when released, he'd go back to using. i pray that your bf will continue to do well, i also pray the same for you.

Hi DreamAngel,
Please read the thread that I started on Maintaining A Relationship while Recovering if you haven't already. It may be helpful to you to read some of the responses.

Where are you with all of this? Are you still debating on to stay with him or let him go?

Yes he is going to meeting, reads bible, goes to church in jail, and this Thursday is his appointment with an addiction specialist.

Honestly I don't know if ill ever be able to forgive him and trust him again? and that image just disgust me, so much anger...
I'm still kind of thinking that if by the 11th he'll stay clean we'll go together on our "Honeymoon" . About getting back together? Not now thats for sure. He needs to prove him self. That he can stay clean and that he really wants it.

He told me yesterday that he wanted to stay clean for us... and i said that its a wrong answer... He needs to want to stay clean for him self, because if something would have happened to me tomorrow it doesn't mean that he has to relapse.

Opiates can stay in your system for up to 48 hours after last use.. but don't tell him that. Ha Ha.

But one thing to remember about addicts is when they report their use, they will minimize. So, if he did it 2 times, then he did it 4 times and so on. If he's a Heroin user, I can bet you a million trillion bucks he didn't JUST use 2 times.

He really needs to get honest with himself if he wants recovery. Please detach yourself from his stories, talks, etc. It will drive you even more insane trying to piece his stories together and pick apart what is sincere or not. I had to tell my RBF several times, "Look, I'm here to support you, but while you are in recovery, please do not update me about your meds, groups, etc. unless they directly relate to me (making amends, etc.)." Their stories will drain you and distract you from taking care and healing yourself.

honeymoon? did you change your mind about the wedding being postpone? hope you don't mind me asking.

oh NO!!!! no wedding. Just the vacation ..... i mean it was supposed to be a honeymoon. But even he is not sure if he wants to go, because its hard on both of us.

I agree cuz it hurts even more when you know. But yesterday was the first time i saw him after calling the wedding off and I said that i deserve to know what really happened. I'm sure he did it more than one day. But I'm 100% positive that its true that he relapsed 4 days before we made him to the test.

Hi Heart. Sorry you are still having to listen to all his problems, lies and excuses. At least you aren't marrying them. It is really hard to let go and focus on our own healing when we are caught up in someone elses addiction and problems but once we are able to do that life gets happier.

I can summarize this story.

He used because he wanted to. He admits he f---ed up because he got caught. Because if he didn't get caught, he would still be out there using and lying about it.

And only 2 times? For anyone who believes that, I have some ocean front property in Arizona I'd like to sell you. Real cheap.

hahaha thats hilarious :You_Rock_

Damn... Damn... Damn... why can't it be true Kitty! I REALLY (gritting my teeth) want that property!! :react

Thanks for the laugh!

Nobody could ever tell when I was using. I have a gov't job with a high level of security. I have a family around me with grown children and parents who are clean. Nobody noticed. So don't be too sure. I was actually more energetic and happy and clear-eyed when using during my active addiction.

Love,
KJ

I think SEEM is the key word here..... Things aren't always what they SEEM.

well the reason that i know that he wasn't using is because he just got out of the detox. and we were going to the gym , swimming, and his eyes looked normal.
but than all of the sudden his pupils were small and he had few marks that was the main reason why we asked for a drug test.
But who knows, maybe you are right.

If you believe that, why not consider buying my ocean front property in Arizona? The view from the back deck is gorgeous. You can watch the sunset over the ocean while you drink all your troubles away.

Or you could consider trying an AA meeting.... What I find in AA meetings is a room full of reasons why I shouldn't drink or use drugs.

I guess you can never know for sure if you can control it or not. And its hard cuz alcohol is everywhere.........

If you are an alcholic or an addict, you can accept the fact that you are not in control... that's kind of the definition of what an alcoholic is.

but doesnt everyone deserve a break. i wish i could find that happy medium. think about your favorite drink right now and how good it would be to enjoy it. the only problem is the excess. Everyone has been on my case today. why shouldnt i have an ice cold can if i stop right after

Can't tell you how many times I've heard these phrases from XABF.

When I finally sought recovery for myself my response to him was that yes everyone deserves a break and a hard workin' man deserves an ice cold can after mowing the lawn on a summer's day. That's right. What those same folks do not deserve is their fist in someone's eye, or the emotional destriuction they inflict on those around them. If you can do one without the other, I'll open that cold can for you and fetch you the remote.

Your right, STONES, it's about control, and once you accept you do not have control over your drinking, you are one step closer to not having to live with the consequences of your alcoholism.

Dreamangel, this is hard because breaking up is hard to do. He has to break up with his first love, drugs, and you are breaking up with your's, him.

It's also going to be harder if you continue to spend time with him and take your not-so-honey-moon with him until he is strong enough in his recovery to not lie about his drug use and especially to not lie to you. To say he doesn't know how it happened is just moronic. He was there. He did the drugs. To say that to you is just disrespectful and only shows how far he has to go in recovery.

He needs AA, his HP, a sponsor, sobriety, and serious effort every day to stay clean. The last thing he needs is you, or Mexico for that matter.

Alice

You are right, he does go to NA meetings. I wish he would just change his # and disappear.

He needs AA, his HP, a sponsor, sobriety, and serious effort every day to stay clean

Sorry, I was being general there. NA, of course, would be more in keeping with his addiction.

You don't have control over him so why not change your # and stay clear of him instead?

This is all part of the process. You are seeing his use for what it is...repugnant and undesireable. You are identifying him with the disease. In time, I began to see my XABF as one of those drunk, pawing, arrogant guys at the bar I always hate. The one's who thought spilling beer on a girl was a great way to get her attention. The one's who debated any issue and were loud and rude and got thrown out by the bouncers for bothering the female patrons. I lost all romantic interst in him first, then any interest all together.

Its so hard he's been texting me all day today:

baby i am a different person. i understand you don't believe me rite now but time will tell. i would give anything to marry you. i want you to have my children.
i want to have a wedding , i want to have a family with you, i want to grow old together.
I don't want to let you go . No matter what happens you will always be my girl and I will always love you with every bit of my heart.

That's hard. (((hugs))) That's when I tell him to stop texting me and let him know I'll get in touch with him when I'm ready to talk. What he is doing right now is called manipulation and pressure. If he really loves you he'll get serious help for his problems. He'll show you by his actions not some words on a text message.

Dream, my ex said those exact same things to me. I'm sorry. And I'm not saying that he doesn't mean those things. All I'm saying is it's pretty typical of an addict to say those things. Actions speak louder than words. He's in work release. As far as I know (and my ex was in work release in King County twice and STILL ended up back on drugs) they are NOT supposed to have cell phones.

Wait! Is his name "Dave" by chance?

After I told my ex I was done for the I don't know how many'th time she called me while on vacation at a friends out of state. She was away from her family, and presumably drugs. She cried to me how she "got it now". That she realized all the mistakes she made and listed them. Even told me how she was going to change.

I wanted to believe her so much. Though, “hey she is clean now, around a good influence, thinking clearly”. We had had that talk before though. I made her write a list and asked her to sign off on it. She couldn’t do it, so I knew she wasn’t committed. This time she said she would sign, just to give her “one more chance”. I did, and she did sign the list. In fact she asked ME what I wanted her to write on it… I told her no way, this is your choice and you write whatever you think you need to change in order for this to work. It needs to be your choice not what I am telling you to do.

We had a great month or two. Then things started to slip. I even pointed it out to her and her response was “it won’t be perfect”. True enough, but the more time she spent with her family the worse it got. Then the excuses started coming again and the actions started slowly going back to what it always was. Within three months of that phone call or so we were right back where we always were….except I was hurt even more because I was out, decided to give her another chance…and got burned…again. …just like I did this time in July, again (ugh)...


PS: Saying all those things, even wanting them is VERY different than having than SKILLS, maturity, and disipline to make them happen. I have NO DOUBT my ex wanted the thigns she said she did. She was miserable with her life. It just finally became apparet to me that no matter how much she WANTED them, she did not have the skills or willpower to attain them.

This is really sad , its their nature.... Recovery is a long process.
So far he has not asked me for another chance, he says that he will prove it to me that I can trust him and that he will fully recover. And he says that time will show...

I am not planning to get back with him right now. That's for sure.
IPT, I don't think that if he would write something on a piece of paper that would help him from relapsing or guarantee me that it will keep his mind off of drugs or that i can trust him again.

Was she getting help? meetings? classes? etc?

I find this to be so true.

Don't fall for it... tell him it's all nice you want these things as do I. However, it's way too early to tell. Your recovery bears no guarantees. Me being your girl bears no guarantees.

Redirect him when he does this quacking... tell him to focus on himself and his recovery. That should be his main focus.

Hoooo, boy. I heard those exact things and MORE so many times. You'll see a lot of people refer to that kind of talk as "quacking."

Watch his actions and don't listen to his words. And give it time....LOTS of time. Time will show whether or not he's serious.

In the meantime, what have you done to understand your part in this? Have you been going to Al-Anon/Nar-anon?

i've heard those same words too, over and over, yr after yr for 23yrs. i agree watch his actions not his words. i know its hard but if somehow you can commit to staying strong and standing your grounds one day at a time, you can always change your mind the next day. it don't have to be forever unless you choose to. besides you detaching yourself from him may or may not be what it will take for him to commit to staying clean. in time you will know whether or not he intend to follow through on what he is saying now.

"... i want you to have my children. i want to have a wedding , i want to have a family with you, i want to grow old together..."

Awwwwwwww.........

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You tell him that Noelle says she wants a Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe (w/an accent over the 'e' -- obviously pronounced coopay).....what a beautiful car, and a convertible taboot; very, very nice; and could probly continue on a very long list. BUT..........

Noelle also says....., "Well bubba, I guess we're both SOL!" (and you can quote Noelle directly on that).

As a recovered alcoholic/addict, Noelle has learned to live with just her needs, and has been surprised at how many of her wants just seemed to melt away.......and in time (she has 20+ years clean/sober), she's also learned that a lot of those old 'wants' have become divided into two groups.....: 1) no longer 'wants'; and 2) by gosh 'n by golly, I gottum now.....!

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You keep working on you, DreamAngel, and everything else in 'your world' will work out just fine....'x' or no 'x'.......I promise.


NoelleR