That's hard. (((hugs))) That's when I tell him to stop texting me and let him know I'll get in touch with him when I'm ready to talk. What he is doing right now is called manipulation and pressure. If he really loves you he'll get serious help for his problems. He'll show you by his actions not some words on a text message.

Dream, my ex said those exact same things to me. I'm sorry. And I'm not saying that he doesn't mean those things. All I'm saying is it's pretty typical of an addict to say those things. Actions speak louder than words. He's in work release. As far as I know (and my ex was in work release in King County twice and STILL ended up back on drugs) they are NOT supposed to have cell phones.

Wait! Is his name "Dave" by chance?

After I told my ex I was done for the I don't know how many'th time she called me while on vacation at a friends out of state. She was away from her family, and presumably drugs. She cried to me how she "got it now". That she realized all the mistakes she made and listed them. Even told me how she was going to change.

I wanted to believe her so much. Though, “hey she is clean now, around a good influence, thinking clearly”. We had had that talk before though. I made her write a list and asked her to sign off on it. She couldn’t do it, so I knew she wasn’t committed. This time she said she would sign, just to give her “one more chance”. I did, and she did sign the list. In fact she asked ME what I wanted her to write on it… I told her no way, this is your choice and you write whatever you think you need to change in order for this to work. It needs to be your choice not what I am telling you to do.

We had a great month or two. Then things started to slip. I even pointed it out to her and her response was “it won’t be perfect”. True enough, but the more time she spent with her family the worse it got. Then the excuses started coming again and the actions started slowly going back to what it always was. Within three months of that phone call or so we were right back where we always were….except I was hurt even more because I was out, decided to give her another chance…and got burned…again. …just like I did this time in July, again (ugh)...


PS: Saying all those things, even wanting them is VERY different than having than SKILLS, maturity, and disipline to make them happen. I have NO DOUBT my ex wanted the thigns she said she did. She was miserable with her life. It just finally became apparet to me that no matter how much she WANTED them, she did not have the skills or willpower to attain them.

This is really sad , its their nature.... Recovery is a long process.
So far he has not asked me for another chance, he says that he will prove it to me that I can trust him and that he will fully recover. And he says that time will show...

I am not planning to get back with him right now. That's for sure.
IPT, I don't think that if he would write something on a piece of paper that would help him from relapsing or guarantee me that it will keep his mind off of drugs or that i can trust him again.

Was she getting help? meetings? classes? etc?

I find this to be so true.

Don't fall for it... tell him it's all nice you want these things as do I. However, it's way too early to tell. Your recovery bears no guarantees. Me being your girl bears no guarantees.

Redirect him when he does this quacking... tell him to focus on himself and his recovery. That should be his main focus.

Hoooo, boy. I heard those exact things and MORE so many times. You'll see a lot of people refer to that kind of talk as "quacking."

Watch his actions and don't listen to his words. And give it time....LOTS of time. Time will show whether or not he's serious.

In the meantime, what have you done to understand your part in this? Have you been going to Al-Anon/Nar-anon?

i've heard those same words too, over and over, yr after yr for 23yrs. i agree watch his actions not his words. i know its hard but if somehow you can commit to staying strong and standing your grounds one day at a time, you can always change your mind the next day. it don't have to be forever unless you choose to. besides you detaching yourself from him may or may not be what it will take for him to commit to staying clean. in time you will know whether or not he intend to follow through on what he is saying now.

"... i want you to have my children. i want to have a wedding , i want to have a family with you, i want to grow old together..."

Awwwwwwww.........

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You tell him that Noelle says she wants a Rolls Royce Phantom Drophead Coupe (w/an accent over the 'e' -- obviously pronounced coopay).....what a beautiful car, and a convertible taboot; very, very nice; and could probly continue on a very long list. BUT..........

Noelle also says....., "Well bubba, I guess we're both SOL!" (and you can quote Noelle directly on that).

As a recovered alcoholic/addict, Noelle has learned to live with just her needs, and has been surprised at how many of her wants just seemed to melt away.......and in time (she has 20+ years clean/sober), she's also learned that a lot of those old 'wants' have become divided into two groups.....: 1) no longer 'wants'; and 2) by gosh 'n by golly, I gottum now.....!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You keep working on you, DreamAngel, and everything else in 'your world' will work out just fine....'x' or no 'x'.......I promise.


NoelleR

There is something about actually WRITING something down that makes it more real. Often when you do an “exercise” they will recommend writing the answers because it has a profound effect psychologically. It is easy to say something, harder to write. Writing makes it more concrete, more real. That is why the first time she couldn’t sign it. She started to, scribbled, and pushed the paper away, it was too much for her. That was proof enough for me she wasn't serious. The next time she did sign it, a list she came up with.

The first time I went Ice Climbing I knew I could die. I accepted that.. Same with being an organ donor, it made me face the fact I WAS going to die (at some point at least and if I was young why not help someone else)....but when it came to signing off on it...man it was different! I signed both, but the reality of it was VERY different when signing that paper than it was just verbalizing and thinking about it.

Your way is better, much better than what I did. Let him be, keep your distance and let him SHOW you. My ex may have signed that list, even stuck to it for a while, but soon the actions petered out. A list means nothing, actions on a continuous basis are where it is at. That is what counts.

Did she get help? Well, she was in therapy, but then quit. She did that twice. She started out strong and then faded over time. Started being late to appointments, cancelling them. Brought home an NA lost but never went, always an excuse. I do believe she WANTED to change, she just wasn’t ready to really stick it out and do the work. It is not an easy thing to do to change your life.

I made tons of mistakes, learned a lot from the folks here. Once I started looking at her actions (and finally had some financial ties broke) it became clear nothing was going to change and I pulled out. Let him prove it, let “time show” (the truth). I hope his recovery is successful, I really do. People do succeed at this stuff (I have one friend from high school with 15 years clean). All I know is the path I went on, where it got me (or didn’t get me) and the wreckage it left within me. I wish I had found this place long ago and that all the surrounding circumstances were different, but they were what they were.

Thank you everyone for your support !!!

I've talked to him, and I said that he needs to get his life together. And if I'll see his improvements than maybe one day we will be together again.
He told me how he hates him self, and that he will prove to me that he really changed.

He went to the addiction specialist/psychologist and they talked for about 2 hours about his past. And she gave him a prescription for these pills Naltrexone. She said they are 100% not addictive. And he is scheduled to see her once a week. These pills are really expensive... month supply is 800$.

I don't know where it will all lead, but for now I'm trying to stay away... We do text each other every day. But thats about it.

my ex emailled me that she was "starting intense psychotherapy" for her "PTSD" (she had a horrible childhood) after I ended it with her. She said "I am scared, but this is what I need to do. I cannot go on like this much longer".

For months I had been asking her to go see another MD about her depression meds that were obviously not working for her (and her other doc told her she was already on the max dose and that was all there was too it). Only once I pulled away did she actually take the step, action. I don't know if she did it to lure me back, or because the break put her near her bottom and she really wanted help. After a month or so she stopped because she "couldn't afford it". No mention of the fact that she had quit her job and not worked in 6+ months, or the $200 digital camera she bought a month or so ago.

Anyway, hopefully he is on the right track and ready to do the hard work it takes to change. I hope he does, for both you and him. It is a step in the right direction at the very least. Hopefully he keeps on stepping in that direction.