I just don't know when to give up....
 

Boyfriend got out of jail on Thursday after 29 days in jail for domestic violence (against me). I hadn't been planning on talking to him at all, but when I saw how much healthier he looked after those 29 days, and when I heard how much he reflected on how badly he had treated me in jail, I really believed him when he said all he wanted to do was concentrate on his sobriety.

We have had 4 days of absolute perfection...and I really thought he had hit his rock bottom in jail and was starting to pull himself out.

Then I get home from work at 8pm tonight, and he's in a xanax coma. Not only xanax, but he's been drinking beer on top of it. Totally blacked out right now, and completely has no idea what the heck is going on. He keeps trying to do things, like laundry, or cleaning, or going for a walk...but then forgets what he's doing and starts to pass out, only to jerk awake again in a few more seconds and get angry.

I don't understand what clicked in his head this morning to make him go out and buy drugs/alcohol. I just don't know how to deal with this anymore...

welcome to SR, and to the world of living with an addict.
Theres no rhyme or reason for the times they use..........good days bad days never really matters

Maybe you can read some of the sticky posts on the thread.......
you can't love him enough to make him stop doing this to himself but you can love YOURSELF enough to stop being there for it.

stick around others will be along soon with more advise or experience

hi, i agree with live, sorry this is happing though. hate to say it but sounds like he's not ready to quit and there is nothing you can do to change him. i'm more concerned about your safety. i do believe what they say "if he physically attack you once, he'll do it again". hope thats not true for you but i suggest you think long and hard about whether or not you want to take that chance.

i took the chance and today, i'm declared disabled. i believe my injuries stemmed from a drug induced attacked by my ah. i've pressed charges many times and each time he was released, i heard the "i love yous", the i learned my lesson and won't do it agains", well you know the rest, and each time, the attacks would be worse than the time before.

you deserve so much more and until he seeks help with his issues, i suggest you turn your focus on to yourself and let him do the same. i will keep you in my prayers

Thanks guys....it's nice to be able to come in here and vent because I know that I really cannot talk about this with family/friends right now.

Ehh...I don't want to go down that route unless he gets violent, which I don't foresee.

I just wish he would pass out so I can go to bed. I don't feel right going to sleep while he's still awake.

I think the point of cynical saying call 911 is that if hes taken to much he could go to sleep and NOT wake up..........

Ehh...I don't want to go down that route unless he gets violent, which I don't foresee.


Oh? Did you foresee the other episodes of violence?? A woman here in Buffalo got her head CUT OFF by her husband. There was a history of domestic violence there....but I bet she didn't see that coming.

DO NOT STAY IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. You can not predict his behaviors, and if he's using, he's unstable. DO NOT TRUST that you are safe.

I would highly recommend reading the following sticky:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

My EXAH was an abuser too. Thank God I don't have to live that way anymore. He was very close to killing me in the end.

From the point of being there so many many times, I have to tell you...you will know when to give up!. It wont be when you think it will, it wont be when others want it too, and things that may happen on and off in the meantime could become so horrifying you'll never ever be able to express the words... but you'll know when its time to give up.

It likely wont even be the first, third or tenth time you say your giving up or your done, just like their puzzling addiction and seemingly out of the blue desire to use once again, but one day it ends. Through the years Ive talked to so many who held on so long, waited through jail time ect...but one day its over and everything just seems right.

After struggling for 6 years and dealing with all possibly you can deal with, with and addict and alcoholic and leaving many times, and saying i wouldnt leave again till it was really over, I collapsed on the couch and prayed incessantly probably the most sincerest I ever really had to God(who is my HP) that I surrender, I cant change things, couldnt even control myself and told God I was handing it over to him and not gonna take the problem back. That was 10 days ago...exactly 7 days later I got a call from an officer that he was being arrested on some HORRIFIC charges that if the justice system finds to be true he will be gone many many many many years. I have to tell you as much as I love my husband I was relieved in so many ways. I acted elated for atleast the first 6 hours as I danced in the front yard ( i really did). In the few dances since Im not gonna tell you it hasnt been difficult adjusting and will be for a long time.

When you are finally able to completely surrender things work themselves out.

In my situation, I cant tell you what tomorrow will bring, but I can tell you the healthier you/and I become mentally and emotionally the less chance you'll find yourself with an "ill" person.

Welcome to SR

29 days of forced sobriety in jail is not a measure of his commitment to living sober. A person convinced against there will is of the same opinion still. Most addicts who are forced into sobriety do whats necessary to get out of trouble come out and within a relatively short period of time binge. This is what we do manipulate anybody trying to prevent us from using.

If you haven't already, please take a moment to read the sticky "What Addicts Do". It sounds exaggerated when you first read it, but it could not be more true. Maybe it will help you understand how little control you have over what he does, which will take some of the burden off you.

You are not responsible for his behavior and can't control it. What I hate to see you do is try to figure out what is going through the mind of an addict. I've done that and it can drive you to the brink of insanity.

Please do what it takes to be safe and please keep posting.

Thanks for all the support and advice, everyone.

I did read the "what addicts do" thread last night and it was very eye-opening...

You're right....I DON'T have to deal with this anymore....I just don't think I have personally gotten to the point where I'm ready to give up hope. I'm going to see how things are when I get home from work tonight and then make the decision about whether or not to revoke the bond on letting him out of jail. If I revoke it, he'll be in jail for another month or so until his court hearing occurs, and then he'll be free to leave our state to move back home with his family in another state.

The thing is...the only times he has been "abusive" to me was when he was drunk or on drugs.

He's never like that sober.

Are you rationalizing his abuse?

For crying out loud, the guy was in jail for 29 days for domestic violence against you and here is is, back in your home, high as a kite.

Is this acceptable to you? Is the sobriety fairy going to descend and make it all better?

I don't know you, but I do know you deserve to treat yourself better than you are doing.

I'm not rationalizing the abuse....I'm just thinking that if he could kick the habit, then he won't be abusive anymore either. I love him to death...I don't want to lose him.

I think I just want him to be better more than he wants it.