Another thing...Your profile says your in Florida...They dont take lightly the victim bonding out the perpetrator.
Isnt there an order, your both violating in being in same house?

"If your partner's behavior becomes much worse when he's intoxicated you may tend to focus your attention on trying to manage his drinking so that you never fully realize how abusive he is when he's sober. His substance abuse problems can thereby create a huge diversion from critical issues.

Alcohol does not change a person's fundamental value system. People's personalities when intoxicated, even though somewhat altered, still bear some relationship to who they are when they are sober. When you drink you may behave in ways that are silly or embarassing....but do you knock over old ladies for a laugh? Probably not. Do you sexually assault the clerk at the convenience store. Unlikely. People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attidudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they already have simmering below the surface."

--Lundy Bancroft

From this most recent post of yours, I think you are beginning to see the point that several prior posters are trying to make. 2-1/2 years ago you could go to a bar and things were fine. Now it has escalated to usually being belligerent when he's high and sometimes getting physically abusive.

Their point...the disease is progressing. A good analogy is a cancer. It is there before we can see it or feels its effects. In some cases it grows slowly and in some it progresses rapidly. But in either case it does not go away on its own.

I think everyone here understands that you love this person. And because of our love for our addicts, we have a hard time seeing that the only way we can help them is to cut them loose. There's a proven track record that addicts don't get help when they have someone to either tolerate their addiction or keep them in a situation where they can continue to abuse (either substances or people).

The other concern that is consistenly shown in this thread is that everyone is concerned for your safety. Chances are they have seen a situation similar to yours with someone they cared about and saw the outcome.

Please don't continue to put your situation on the back burner. It needs attention NOW, before you get seriously hurt or he kills himself. Yes, he has good qualities. They are buried deep down under the addiction. If he truly loves you, and you withdraw yourself, he will come back to you eventually...clean and sober and non-abusive. He has to help himself...you can't do it. And if you truly love him, please muster the strength to do what it takes on your part to see that he gets the help he needs. It may take you leaving to get his attention.

Please keep yourself safe and please keep posting.

P.S. The blackout on 3-4 beers is probably because he has taken xanax that you're not aware of. If he starts drinking before the xanax kicks in, you would not notice the high from that and just assume that it's the beer.

double post..

When I got sober, I wouldn't have been able to stay with a drinker, much less a drug user. My husband doesn't drink around me. He's not an alcoholic, he doesn't "need" to, or even care about it. He never uses druns, that would be a dealbreaker if I was trying to be clean and he wasn't. Not a partnership match in my book. But your dude isn't sober so.. I guess that matters not.

So you drink and use drugs. He drinks and pops xanax... is the real issue the domestic violence? Are you ok with it?

If you wanna stay on the ride, then stay! Everyone here is just offering what they've been through and ideas based on experience and having walked in your shoes kinda knowledge.

Yes, he's told me this. His sponsor also told me that I had to give up drugs/alcohol myself and that I shouldn't ever have liquor in the house since I live with an addict.

I hate to be a heartless b1tch, but I'm 26 years old, and I'm NOT an alcoholic, and I AM going to drink from time to time. If he can't get to the point where he can control himself from binging on a bottle of wine in my house, then I don't want to be around him anyway.

You have every right to that feel that way and to that life. You should be able to have a bottle of wine in your house and not have to worry about it. However, if you care about this man, him having a successful recovery, and maybe a successful relationship with him, you may need to make a sacrafice. It's all about choices and trade offs.

I had a friend years ago (I think I was like 19 y/o) and he was in AA. I just knew that when I was with him I wouldn't drink. I didn't want to make his task harder. Quitting anything you are addicted to is HARD work even under the ideal circumstances.

Just something to think about. You shouldn't feel bad about wanting to have a life where you don't have to worry about these things. I think it is the way life should be. It's just that if you want that life it may not include him..

People dont go backwards in their tolerance usually. He isnt getting trashed on 2-3 beers now when back in the day he could drink all night!!! Now he is mixing it up a bit with xanex or whatever. The pills are the problem now with the alcohol just added in to make it worse.

This is absolutely not true. He has a few drinks in him and becomes mean, disrespectful and unashamed. It doesn't matter if he has taken xanax that day or not...it's just the way that liquor affects him now.

Last week, many of you suggested calling 911 or taking him to the hospital, which I did Wednesday night. I told them he tried to kill himself by taking a bunch of pills and drinking on top of it, and begged them to admit him to the hospital for a psych evaluation. Well, they kept him overnight and then transferred him to a different hospital the next morning. When asked about what medications he is on, he replied "oh, i take xanax for an anxiety disorder" and they gave him a form of xanax to knock him out all day. (He does NOT have an anxiety disorder, he has an addiction).

When the Dr. came to check on him to determine whether they would keep him for more evaluation, he lied his way out of it, and when I got home from work on Thursday night, he was sitting on the couch in my living room. I asked him how he got into the apartment and he said that our leasing office gave him the key. (I have since written a letter to the management office saying he is no longer a tenant and I must be called if he EVER goes there to request the keys again.)

Well, he was pretty messed up that night but I couldn't tell if he had taken more meds or if he was detoxing, and since Friday was his birthday, I really didn't want to take him back to jail w/o giving him another chance. I came home from work on Friday with pizza and an ice cream cake for his birthday, and he was so messed up he could barely hold his head up to eat his food. He passed out shortly after 8pm in the bedroom, which gave me a night of peace to myself....

UNTIL he woke up at around 11pm, and went straight to his cell phone to try to buy more xanax from his dealer! I caught him texting the guy, and told him that he had lied to me for the last time and I would be revoking his bond the next morning and sending him back to jail. He then grabbed some of his clothes out of the closet in a weird gesture, so I took a few of the garments out of his hands and looked in the pockets to find about 5 more xanax bars.

He spent the rest of the night begging me not to take him to jail and promising me that he would never take any more drugs. But I was firm in my decision....I got up at 8:30am the next morning, told him to get dressed, and we drove to the bondsman where I revoked his bond. The bondsman assured me that he will never bond my ABF out of jail again b/c he has proven that he cannot be trusted, but now it seems that he is calling all the other bondsmen in the area to try to get bailed out.

This is becoming a HUGE headache. I just want to be done with him but I keep getting calls from bond agencies, church members that ABF has contacted from jail pleading for bail, and his family members. I just don't know what to do anymore!!

i want to add on to what others have said about the violence escalating from when they are using to when sober. my ex from many many years ago at first only was abusive when he was drunk. then the trend became that the worst of the violence was when he was hungover - those were usually the times he was the most dangerous. towards the end it seemed that he was just picking a fight so he would have an excuse to leave and go party. if i threw him out then he could stay gone for days without guilt. come back a few days later after i cooled off and spin the whole thing to being my fault. no matter what the drugs were center stage with all of it.

I guess that's what I'm getting at. I am not ready to give up MY LIFE in order to deal with his problems. If he were ready to commit to a life of recovery, that MIGHT be a different story...but he's not.

And when I say I use drugs recreationally, I'm talking about pot. I smoke pot regularly but it's a once-in-a-blue-moon type of thing when I use ANY other drugs (ie: mushrooms or ecstasy). And I DEFINITELY DON'T bring hard drugs into my home, only pot.

Dayummmmmmm girl... you are doing one helluva job here! I'm SO proud of you!

Best thing you can do re: bondsmen and family........ don't answer your phone! I'm so blinking proud of you for putting all into motion..... and most of all staying TRUE TO YOURSELF!

You are a young and beautiful woman who does not have to deal with any of this! You aren't married - you have no children ... it's YOUR home!

I say that you be very proud of yourself!

It takes some people years to get to where you are..... ehem (me) .... but I'm there now........ and you have my full on total support!

YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!! :-)

I'm so proud of you for taking him back to the bondsman.

I know it must have been hard but you did the right thing.

You have proven you love yourself more than you love him.

You are a Goddess as deserve to be treated like one.

I recently got out of a relationship with a pot addict who raped me [i posted a thread about it] it was hard because I was confused and I loved him so much but at the end of the day we have to put our own well being first.

Physical and sexual abuse cannot be excused, there is no excuse for such violence and disrespect.

We deserve kind, gentle partners that give us unconditional love.

I'm about the same age as you, I'm 27.

Much love and understanding,

Faerie, xx

Thank you guys for the continued support. It's such a great feeling to know that I can log in here at any time and see another comment with support, or people empathizing that they have been through similar experiences. I feel like I am getting stronger in this process and am finally learning how to DETACH, which is a huge step for me.

Right now, I'm just trying to fill up my life with GOOD things, like taking morning walks with my dogs down by the canal, or going out with friends after work. I'm trying to take care of me for once since I've been caring for him for the last 2 years.