My Boyfriend.
 

I'm a New member here, so i posted this elsewhere but then found the "Family and Friends" Forum, which is more appropriate.

My dad was an addict (Now clean for 19 years), my stepdad was an addict (Now dead after a Cocaine Overdose), my brother is an alcoholic, my godfather is an alcoholic, and the man I’m in love with is addicted to Pills. Pattern?

Despite witnessing all the heartache my mother has gone through, and how much she has been set back trying to help these men, I can't walk away from the man I love. So, instead I’m asking for advice on the best way to help him.

We met a year ago and for the first four months I was unaware of his illness. Looking back there were countless "signs" but I never thought his problems, our problems, stemmed from an addiction. He uses opiates. Daily. He is to the point where if he doesn't use, he gets withdrawals pretty bad. And that is the only reason, he says, he uses. Just to make it thru the day without getting sick.

I, never having to personally battle something like this, don't know how to help him. This problem is way beyond me. I'm 19, he is 24, and has been forced to move back in with his parents having blown all his money on drugs. He holds a job, at one point he had two, took college classes last year, works out, and not many people, even his closest friends, are aware of what he is going thru right now. He hides it very well.

He goes to meetings every night, is very open with me about his battle, and has been wanting/trying to quit for months, but can't quite kick the habit yet. I'm glad he is open with me, and that he is religious about attending meetings, but it's frustrating treading the line between supporting him and enabling him. I hate the tough love thing. I feel like he is in so much pain and struggling so much with himself, I don't need to be "tough", but I know I baby him way too much. I pick up every phone call and can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve said "NO" to him. But by doing that I’m probably not doing him any favors? I don’t know...

I gave him 40 dollars last week to pay a bill. I knew it was wrong, and I told him I wanted to go with him to pay it so I would know for sure where it was going. He said "NO...excuse excuse". And that was that. Damnit.

I listen to him talk about how much he hates himself, but it's hard. It’s so hard to keep composed and be encouraging all the time. I want to do more. This is where I think I enable him. On one hand I know it is beyond my control, and he needs to do what he needs to do, and I’m going to be second to drugs until he is clean. I also know that you can't really love someone else until you really love yourself. But on the other hand I love him so much and I know what he is capable of. I wish he thought as highly of himself as I do of him.

I suppose I didn’t need to write such a long entry to ask a simple question, what is the best way for me to support him? Without driving myself insane, or being too "easy" on him? He is a great person. I don't want to lose him to something like this. I know i can't change him. But is being beside him the best thing for him right now?

That is the only line I needed to read, to tell you that you can't help him. You can only help yourself. Stop enabling him.. you'll love him to death, do not involve yourself in his addiction, it is his own, and he's perfectly capable and has every right to make horrible decisions.

Some really awesome folks will be here shortly to tell you how they got help for themselves.. that's all you have any control over.

The best way to "help" an addict is by not helping them at all.

Thanks. Quick responses. Not gonna lie, hard to hear.

"Love him to death," that was hard to hear. But needed, thank you.

So if i used the word "support" instead of "Help" would i hear anything different?

How do i be there and listen to him and have a relationship with him without involving myself in the addiction? Im a smart girl. and i dont find myself in situations i cant handle often. I really dont know how to approach this.

Maybe the (another hard to hear thing :) ) answer to that question is, you don't.

Hard? Of course.. Impossible, no way. Nothing you do can get him sober. It doesn't even sound like he wants to be sober.. and it's his choice to live that way. It's your choice to live that way with him, or to decide that you want a better life.

Thank you.
I think i know all this, i just need to be told. Reading the responses make me sick to my stomach, but almost half smile at the same time. idunno why. Maybe its relief. To hear thoughts i have driven myself crazy over being said by other people. who very possibly have more experience with this than i.

I also think this is a great place to observe "tough love". All the responses have been pretty blunt, and sometimes hard to hear, but all are helpful, and true and in my best interest. I need to learn how to do that with him. Be assertive. So thank you. very much.

A junky's life is spent begging, borrowing, manipulating, conning and stealing money and stuff that can be sold or traded for dope. Then there are all the cell phone calls and text messages to make the connection.

Addiction is progressive.

Ignore his words. Pay close attention to his actions. And don't be surprised if he's not really attending those meetings.

If he really sought sobriety, he ( not you) would seek additional recovery resources.

You are 19 and have the choice to spiral down with him or let go, let God.
If love could cure them, none of us would be here.

When I was 24, I started dating a 19 year old.
She was more mature and indepdent than me, actually.
She knew when to stop the "party", and that when it
Was apparent that I had an addiction problem.
She did something for me at that time that I couldn't do for anyone,
She stayed with me and shpwed me a healthy lifestyle
And tons of self control. She broadened my horizons,
While I stayed sober, but it was not a happy 4 years until
She felt I wasn't changing fast enough, I didn't stay in shape
Like she did. I didn't practice enough yogaa, or care as much
About keeping the place clean or eating whole organic foods
Superfoods, and things like that.

Of course I am painting a picture here,
I just wanted to express how much I owe to her
For giving me 4 years of positive examples,
Care, support and devotion to me. Of course,
I never was a mooch or became a complete slob,
I did the bare minimum to keep her happy.
She deserved better, she knew it, she left me.
Then I became completely depressed, and I was free to,
And did, become the mooch and complete slob I wanted to be.
A year of that has made me find recovery and things are getting
Better, and I am able to achieve my full potential.
I can't say whether this would happen sooner, or in a better way
Or worse way if she didn't stay with me,
All I know is I blew it, and I'm sure she held
Resentments about holding her back.
She has forgiven me, mostly, I think.. but looking back,
It would have been better to heal on my own
While she did the same, and if thingss were really meant to be,
As they seemed, we could get back together again.
Butim sure she regrets holding on to me,
When I was chasing more exciting things,
As I do somewhat regret chasing those things,
Now that I cannot hold on to her.

A good relationship, is sharing life and oneself,
Not needing somebody. I've discovered that
Needing someone is a horrible reason to be in
A relationship. I hope this makes sense to you.

Things meant to be, will happen.
He's got to let you fly free if you're confused,
An:c031:d if you go back to him,
Hell know that you'll love him forever.

Welcome to SR. Please stay and read as much as you can. It helps alot with everything you are trying to deal with.

When I read your post this particular line you wrote stood out. Took awhile but I found a link that you can read about their "potential".

This sent up a red flag for me and just want you to be careful where you tread with your bf. It sounds to me like he is doing alot of quacking and trying to make you feel guilty. That might not be the case but that is what I hear.....

Good luck stick around you will need people to lean on...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

I cant say thank you enough. All responses have been helpful. I printed a lot of what you all said out. I think i need to read and re-read and re-read and drill it in my head..

"Have you talked to your sponsor about this?"

Since he goes to meetings daily, yet has failed to establish any clean time let alone embrace true recovery, this might be a nice way to establish some healthy/functional boundaries and pronounce your detachment from HIS dynamics. Put the responsibility where it belongs and know one of the B-E-A-utiful concepts of NA/AA is it's one addict helping another.

Should his response be he doesn't have a sponsor, it's not your duty to suggest or mandate he get one... but I do think it should demonstrate something to you and can remove you from the responsibility/guilt of either "helping" or "supporting". Right now, your "helping" and/or "supporting" his continued use, not his recovery.

I heard a great line in a song today, "What consumes our thoughts controls our lives." So what's controlling your life today?

Glad you found us and keep coming back.

Many Blessings,
Shaman

Concernedgf,

All of the responses you got are really amazing and helpful. I, myself, am an addict and have also dated my fair share of them and it's tough work - I honestly couldn't imagine dating one if I was a "normie!"

Your boyfriend's DOC is the same of mine and I cannot tell you how difficult it is to get off of them! Not only do you get physically sick when you quit, but you get mentally different - depressed, anxious, overall uncomfortable and negative. I ended up getting clean "alone" - I made a lot of great friends in my first stab and worked on old friendships and relationships, but I was still going at this whole sobriety deal alone while starting as a Freshman at college - no easy task really. You sound very loving but honestly, all your "support" is enabling him. He's taking your money and wasting your time.

When in a relationship with an addict, or any man really, you must ask yourself the following questions:

* what am I getting out of this relationship?
* what does my boyfriend/girlfriend do to help me?
* am I always feel tired/drained/used by my boyfriend/girlfriend?

Addicts often share the following personality traits: selfish, overly sensitive, moody, manipulative, and one-track-minded. Now, of course many addicts are lovely people without the influence of substances, but substances usually form these characteristics and inprint themselves on the addict. I'm sure you're boyfriend is a nice guy, and it's obvious you care a great deal about him, but you are young and honestly deserve someone who gets your needs met too.

I hope I helped and please feel free to private message me and talk some time!

hugs & support,
Rachel

p.s. I'm 19 too =]

From first hand POV and not that long ago...the personal info he gives you, hating himself etc. is manipulation...he knows how to tug at your heart strings. The 40 bucks, been there is he a pill guy bc they always want 20 or 40 for some reason...the other things about being open about meetings, that is so you think he is trying and that he is still in the "using" you stage...as soon as you start saying no, sticking your ground and making boundaries, you will see the real him. Thank goodness you are not in debt and I am sorry to be the one to say this but, run like heii and be glad you don't have a baby involved. If I had a nickel for every time I heard this story I could trump the Donald...the best thing you can do is give him space, take a break and watch him when you are not enabling to see what his actions prove, words won't take back the years of stress, money, heartache, possible diseases and even high behavior that you are about to embark upon. If he is getting better it will show, if he wants to talk great, why must we jump on this ride and be so closely involved when someone is going through a whirlwind...love him from a safe distance...I didn't suggest no contact, but I don't suggest intimate contact either...just my experience...

Shaman: After reading your post i asked him lastnight if he talks to his sponser regularly and he said that he "already knows what his sponser is going to say, and his sponser doesnt tell him anything he doesnt already know" But he does talk to him and sees him at meetings. That advice was really helpful. i think "have you talked to your sponsor about it?" will come in handy.

"What consumes our thoughts controls our lives." -> I've definetly noticed bad habits ive gotten into and i think they are consequences of worrying to much about him and HIS problem. It has turned into something that does actually control me to a degree...Needs to come to an end.

Bubblegum: Thanks for your advice. and i know i deserve more then what im getting out of this relationship. But i feel like it would be selfish of me to abandon it. Which is probably not true...

Congratualtions on getting clean. Especially in the setting you were in. Having just finished my freshman year as well i cant imagine how difficult that had to have been.

Whereami: Thanks for sharing "your experience" with me...What you said about manipulation, i know..It kinda sucks to think i can be manipulated so easily even when i KNOW its happeneing. And after reading all these posts lastnight that said watch actions not words, i did say no, and i asked him to do ME a favor. We will see if it happens right?

Thank you again, im really listening and trying to absorb as much information here as possible. I cant begin to tell you how much just talking about it has helped.

I got up this morning a couple of hours before work. It was peaceful. I poured myself a cup of coffee, sat down at the computer to check email and read on SR.

I no longer take a front row seat to addiction.

I was married to an addict, and I tried everything in the book to get him to change, and to no avail.

I have a 31 year old daughter who's an addict, and I tried everything in the book to get her to change, and to no avail. That included taking her in temporarily after a lengthy jail sentence for felony drug possession.

She attended meetings with me (I'm also in recovery), said all the right things, and in less than a month, she turned my household upside down. She even drug her then 15 year old sister into her insanity.

She is no longer welcome in this home, period.

As a recovering addict/alcoholic myself, I did NOT make the necessary changes to my life until I hit a bottom hard.

That bottom came when I was face down in the dirt, and no one was willing any longer to pick me back up.

You're the only one who can decide if you want to stay in that front row seat, or if you are going to walk out of the theater.

My life is so full and incredibly blessed since I left the theater. :)

You might want to check on a couple of books, "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. They are both excellent reads.

I am new here to.
One thing I learned thru my husbands treatment facility was: "If our love could make the addicts clean then everyone who is an addict would be clean."
I can't tell you how many times I thought I was doing the right thing. I found that being a wife and an enabler is a fine line.
Someone else had mentioned you can't help him, but only help yourself. That took a lot heartbreak for me to finally figure out!

enabling
 

how exactly does one define "enabling"? providing any help at all? putting up with ANY crap at all? i mean, in my situation i'm sure i've gone totally overboard with the enabling and put up with way too much crap, but at what point does caring about someone become enabling?

Form of enabling: Safety

When living/spending time with someone who is not an addict, period... there is a sense of safety because even though the addict is in denial - they do still "feel" that sense of protection. Now, it's when the codie lays a boundary and then doesn't go through with it - that the disease is given a license to progress, for they still have their "protection/safety net" in place.

I can think of many times that I have been "not - sober" and have felt SO much safer knowing there was at least a sober person around for crisis/emergencies and that they would handle them. It wasn't that I was taking that person for granted - after all - it's their choice to be the "DD" or sober person or someone who has sobriety, and boy I sure am grateful. :) I know that if I were living a life on being high and around people who were constantly high (didn't have my "safe house" or relationships with sane people) - it would feel 'unsafe' and hitting bottom would come a lot quicker than if I was given a soft place to land.

Look at the relationships your guy has - what do you think he gets out of all these relationships? Do you see enabling in any of them?

only in ours. to be truthful, i really dislike most of his friends because they're "drug people" - even his boss.