HELP.....I was doing so well
 

Good Morning!

I haven't written in a whilebecause I was working on me. Then, all of a sudden my AH decides that he is ready to be a husband and father(still not working a program). If you can recall I have never found any evidence of drug abuse except for his actions and reactions. But, his smell on his clothing, his disappearing and his change in apperance. My gut instinct as a woman.
Well, he went with his job on a three day camping trip...(It must be nice) and when he left out on Thursday I left with the kids and went to my parents house in LV. We returned the same day I left the kids in LV for a two week vacation. Now when he got home he was soooo happy to see me and I felt the same. That was Saturday now Sunday came along and he went to work and I went to play BINGO ....YES BINGO. How sad I love BINGO at 36 and I loved it even more at 18. LOL He called me at 4:30 and said he was on his way home I said okay I'll meet you there. Well I stopped at the store and cooked a wonderful dinner and ate it alllllll by myself. He didn't show up until midnight.

Let me first backtrack.... Do you remember the Crack ***** well he suppositly stopped dealing with her. For the past two weeks he has been coming home doing what he was suppose to do. He let me see his phone and in one day she called 78 times and texted 50 times how sick is this. Can someone tell me if this is normal behavior...BETTER YET WHO CARES!!! Well she continued to do this for two weeks even threatening suicide if he wouldnt see her. I'm rambling right now so please bare with me. Remember I have a restraining order against her... But, she still calls and harrasses me... So, a police officer friend told me to foward my calls to the station at night so she doesnt disturb me or my kids. Now, yesterday I get a call from my AH daughters mom telling me to look at his facebook page. Now I don't have facebook so I had to sign in under her name..... Now my husband told me that he had 2 pages one the CW created and the other he created. The one she created had pictures of them on it and she changed his status to divorced and in a relationship. Now all of my friends and family can see this how humiliating,,,,,,,I haven't even told him I saw this page what is the point :( His daughters mom is furious because she said I am too good for all of this.

To make a long story short. I have to get back on track because he is filled with deception and lies. He cam in last night trying to kiss me and I just ignored him. He said he was doing nothing wrong just hanging out with a male friend from work.... Yeah right!!!! I responded by saying well you must be gay because you didn't even call. If you were with a man then why didn't you call... He said because he is a man and doesn't have to answer to anybody!!!

I need prayer, guidance and inspiration!!!!


NOW

Hi, Unhappy. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I know how hard it can be living with someone who has an addiction. The undependability and garbage that goes along with it is crazy and yet they see nothing wrong with their behavior.

So if he's decided to be a father and husband - is he the husband you need and the father your children need? If he's not on either of those counts is he willing to make changes to meet his family's needs?

Only you know how you want your life and your children's lives to be. Keep focusing on yourself and your children and listen to your gut instincts. If you feel that something is wrong on any level then there IS something wrong. And that's ok - because once we realize something is wrong we have an opportunity to change it.

Its funny because deception is so alive in addicts. He comes home and acts right for 2-3 weeks and then BOOM BAM POW..... Back to the same ole madness. I'm just wondering is this what addicts dooooooooo for the rest of their lives. I know that I most definately can't live this way and I won't live this way! This is psychotic behavior and that is NOT okay with ME!!!!!!

GIVE ME FREEDOM AND GRANT ME LIFE

I know how hard this in and out business can be. It sounds like everything came unglued for a bit due to his decision to be a part of your life again. I agree that you need to take back the reigns and put the focus back on you.

I would have a hard time with his 'attitude' about being out late. IMHO he should be kissing the ground you're walking on after everything he's done and how much he's humiliated you.

I too know how easy it is to be roped back in with all of the 'right words and right behavior.' It sounds like an act to me because he wouldn't have pulled the out till midnight with an attitude stunt. Also, the crack***** should be 100% out of BOTH of your lives and he should be doing everything to ensure that this happens, especially because her entrance to your lives is @ his hands.

Take the power back. Take the focus back. Put the walls back up and work on you and your kids. It's tough, I'm sorry you're going through this.

In my experience, YES there will be much more of this to come. I was always either in a storm or the calm after the storm. All the while fighting a demon that I had no idea was there (addiction). My addict (when using) can convince you that the sky is red - and you'll believe it.

My question is, do you want to continue to live this way? If nothing changes, nothing changes.

He's got your number, doesn't he? He knows how to throw you just enough crumbs to keep you hanging in there.

You can expect more of the same from him.

As long as we allow it.... nothing changes if nothing changes. As long as he knows you're still going to put up with this... he doesn't see a reason to change.

I finally separated from my STBxAH of 20years about 8 months ago. Like you,
I put up with a lot, the disappearances, etc. For my sanity and the effect
everything was having on my teenagers, I had to get out... couldn't take
it any longer. (((HUGS and PRAYERS)))

Thanks for your comments. I was kinda scared to post thinking that everyone would be angry because of my setback.

RAY OF SUNSHINE.....I have been going throught htis for about 1 year and 3 months. How did you do it for soooo long. I am going crazy and I won't be dealing with this much longer. I just need to find a better path for me. I am finishing my administrative credential and my tier II special ed credential and still being mommy and teacher ans daughter and friend and master (for the dog) OOOOh how am I still standing!

Why is life so easy for him. I just want to live again. This weekend in LV was sooooooo peaceful and it gave me hope for a better tomorrow!

Anvil....
I was waiting for your response..... I guess I really need to ask myself what the payoff. is. externally I don't see it and internally I am devastated. So, what is it inside of me that make me think he's gonna miraculously be cured. This is total chaos and yet I'm still here. Maybe tonight I'll have a long talk with myself!

Let's get the focus back on you. Why is life so difficult for you? Are your current life choices causing you pain?

It sounds to me like you were exactly where you were supposed to be over the weekend. Now what can you do to get to a better place?

:ghug :ghug

"What payoff are you getting." This is a very tough question for me and one that's hard to answer.

For me I didn't have to rock the boat with a divorce
My family was still intact
I didn't have to 'start over'
I had a decent income/insurance from him (before he lost his job)

Lots of so called +'s. One thing that I could bank on was there would ALWAYS be uncertainty. While in active addiction I could be certain that I would have to keep a tight reign on our finances, checking bank accounts almost daily, I would have to call and remind him of dr. appts, picking up kids, running them around etc. I'd have to remind him in the morning and then call him prior too - just to be sure. I could be certain that he was not capable of setting an alarm clock to get up for work or for an appt. I could for sure be certain that I was guaranteed uncertainty when living with an addict.

Just like when your AH didn't come home the other night. Just part of the protocol of living with an addict.

Darlin as long as you continue to be a willing participant in this game it will never stop. It is time to either accept that this is your life or do something something to change it.

"I need prayers, guidance and inspiration!"

You just need some ba**s, honey.

You'll find them.

Anvil-
What a beautiful take on the story of Pandora's Box. I always thought it was a beautifully dark story and its nice to hear that someone else feels the same. There were a lot of horrible things that flew out that box, but you're right-and the bottom was Hope. She had broken wings but she was there and she lived in Pandora's heart. We have to find our Hope and nurture her. Let us not forget her and slam in back in the bottom of that box because we're afraid of what may be in it.

Bluejay=
I'm about to print out your response and hang it on my wall. Thanks!!! Way to go!

The funny thing is if you ask anyone of my friends or family members if they ever thought that I would have tolerated any of this they would most definately tell you HE** no NOT HER!!!!!!

I dont know what happend to the old me and me drive and determination.Da** I could just kick myself in the A**

I was deep in codieland for a lot of years thinking I could fix him.....
I also suffered in silence cause my life was just too embarassing to
share. I was looking online for help for HIM and found this site. I finally
realized I was just as sick with co-dependence as he was with addiction.

Once I started working on ME, I found I didn't want to live that way anymore.
It took a while... but I am FREE! Life is not perfect being a single mom, but
it is a whole lot more peaceful!