Ray......

I think we get caught up in their actions causing us to have a negative reaction. I am at a loss. Sometimes I think his is at the same loss I am but, the only difference is that he created his situation. Do you ever think that they are having as much anguish and turmoil as us codies.......?????

I think they go through their own hell but it it is different - I've asked recovering addicts if they ever thought about what they were doing to others while they were active and they all flat out say no - they dont really think about us during it.

Lol

At lease I gotta laugh today!!!! It's funny because he always seems so oblivious to the fact that he hurt my feelings or the kids for that matter. Whatever pain he is in is self inflicked pain. The only thing that he says is that he is ashamed!!!

My friends would also say "HELL NO" if asked if I would ever tolerate this crap. But I did. For longer than I care to think about.

I too missed being the person I was before I met XABF.

Wow - that's the first time I put the "X" in there since I've left. Apparently, my b***s are back LOL

Unhappy... I think we spend too much time waiting on the person we fell in love with to come back..... the reality is what they are now... is what they are. An addict in active addiction. And we can't Control them or Cure them. For me, even after I knew I was done, I still had to give him one last chance to make sure I was doing the right thing. Crazy as that sounds, I had to be shown, again, that he wasn't able to change.

But, that sealed the deal.. I now know I NEVER want to live that way again. There's ZERO chance I'll take him back ever again. I just wish I'd had the b*lls to do it years sooner!! LOL ..... I'm continuing to work on me, cause I don't want the next guy to live with my bad attitude and bitterness... and I don't want to pick another bad one.. LOL.

Its so hard to see him this way. I miss him tooo much. I know I have to get him out of my face on a daily basis!!!! When I see him I get depressed.

Anvil...
This has been going on for approx. a year. He still shows glimmering hope of who he was. Actually we were best friends and we are still able to talk and joke about lots of things. He still does nice things but, the chaos and madness out weighs the GOOD!

Dont think I'm sliding I know that this is not healthy!!!!

Anvil ......

You are right! I like the cave analogy.. It is about me and the kids if I could just get over the guilt of feeling like Im leaving him out there alone, I would be fine. I know he didnt care when he left me and the kids out there when he choose drugs but, my personally is different. I guess I have to get leather skin and WOMAN UP and make a very clear move for myself and the kids!

Bluejay6 can you please tell me what you ment by Ba****s Thanks

what does Ba****s stand for?

REBEC....balls

Anvil I know your right and yes I do wish him the best of luck.... I've really meant it when I asked him to leave. I don't have time for the games. But, I hate to see him ask to stay or BEG. I just need to grab a backbone when it comes to HIM. I have one with everyone else. My mother said I just need to be her for a day and he would be gone in a quick minute...LOL

Thank you
 

Unhappy, I am new here and reading your story is like reading about my own life. Funny how I feel so alone and then I find what you write and realize I shouldn't be ashamed. Thank you so much for sharing.

Cranberry welcome!!!! You know I felt so alone before I came here but, now at lease I know that I don't have to feel ashame anymore. The people here are wonderful at helping me get back on track. I know that today I am a step closer to personal freedom. I back slide a lot but, I always seem to get up. Everyday there is a new struggle for me. Be careful not to make the addiction yours like I have. I harbor so much guilt and I don't even know why! I play tug a war with myself on a daily basis. Some days I feel better than others.
I don't want any pity because I actually am a strong woman! But, today I HATE MY LIFE!!!! Tomorrow I may feel a little better. It is a roller coaster ride daily. It's also hard because my parents have been married for 40 years and all I know is marriage and commitment. my mother has never in her life pumped gas and she does even open her own soda cans, my dad has always been a gentleman. My parents sheltered me from the real world. Now reality has slapped me in the face. I will pray for you but, for today GOD gave me the strength to get up and for that I am thankful!!!!!

i know its a bit late but... you are in my prayers :)
everything will be okay ...if we let time take time
(i hope)
and honestly thats all i can do for now.. is hope...
and ill hope enough for thw both of us...
promise!
<3