AH is 60+ days clean - I'm still very frustrated!
 

As some of you know, AH went to rehab for 30+ days and had to leave due to insurance. He was suppose to go back and complete 90 days total once the insurance was straightened out. He's fought and fought, but rehab won't let him come back because they're afraid insurance won't pay and they don't want to invest more $ into him. He's called, emailed the directors etc. In the end he's probably not going back.

He now has 60+ days clean. He's been staying here - so what's the problem??? I cannot STAND the inconsistancy. He's not working, but is looking for a job (If you recall he lost a great job of 19 years due to drugs). I'm paying all of the bills. When he first got out of rehab he was doing well, confidence was up, looked great, sleep shedule was great, he was active and productive. Rehab had him on a schedule and he stuck to it for about 1-2 weeks when he got home. He was helping around the house, interacting more with the kids, helping me in general.

Throughout the last month he now has his sleep schedule all out of whack. Some days he's up and down until 3-4am, he may sleep until noon or 1. Some days he's up and working around the house, others he'll lay in bed the entire day. Some days he feels fine, the others he's not feeling so well. Some days he's very active with the kids, the other days it's just laying in front of the tv with them all day. The one thing he's consistant about is being inconsistent. I CANNOT STAND the inconsistency! As I type this, I can walk back in the bedroom and see him sleeping at 9 am and I cringe, feel disgust, anger etc. He went to bed before me. I got about 7 hours of sleep, he's going on 10 +_ right now. This is what he always did when on drugs. Slowly he's reverting back to the same behavior. It's as if what he's learned in rehab is seeping out and the old AH is creeping back in.

When he first got out of rehab things were alot better - he was active, helpful, thankful etc. I'd realized that I've lived with the high AH for so long that that's how I came to know him. In reality it's been years since I've seen him sober.

For the last month we've been assuming he'll go back to rehab anytime. Now thats looking pretty grim. Over the weekend I told AH that if he intended on staying here, he needed to come up with an alternative recovery plan. I don't care if it's meetings, IOP or something else. I also said he needed to come up with a schedule and stick to it. No more staying up all night, sleeping all day. I said he needed to make lists and do things around the house every day, be productive and contribute. He needs to help with supper, help with the kids etc. He agreed - where is he right now? In bed, sick again - which is a HUGE trigger for me as is laziness.

My question is, how much should I be tolerating right now. I don't want to put expectations out there that are too high this early in recovery. I don't know if I'm expecting too much and need to back off for a bit or if I'm being rational in my boundaries this early on.

I guess from my perspective, I'm paying the bills, providing a roof over his head, clean clothes, toothpaste, deodorant etc. If the roles were reversed I would be doing everything in my power to show my appreciation. I would be jumping through hoops to show my gratitude. He is greatful, but nowhere near where I would be.

To his credit, we were both planning on him returning to rehab - we found out that most likely won't be happening about 4-5 days ago. It was a shock to both of us, so we're trying to come up with an alternative plan. Am I expecting too much?? He's clean, but I'm still seeing the same behaviors (laziness, sleeps all of the time, complains about aches, pains, headaches etc). I don't have any sympathy for him anymore when he's sick or depressed - I've seen it too many times because of drug use. I don't want to feel like this, but I do.

I don't want a 3rd child anymore, I want an equal. What's your thoughts on enforcing boundaries this early on? Am I being unreasonable in my expectations? You'd think everything is ok when in recovery, but it's far from it. I've been pretty hard on him when I see this behavior. That does NOT help him with his confidence level. It doesn't help me with my resentment level. I'm having a VERY hard time staying in MY hula hoop. I just want to wring his neck with frustration and it's helping neither of us.

Callie, what about a sober living house/halfway house? This type of house will get him on a routine again, keeping him accountable. It is not your job. What he is doing is not good for all of you.

If that is not possible(which I pray it is), what about an outpatient treatment program?

Is he currently attending a 12 step group such as NA? At NA meetings, fellow addicts in recovery can help teach him the importance of self-care, including maintaining a regular sleep schedule, contributing to household duties, etc. He was in rehab for 30 days so he knows what he needs to do, but you telling/reminding him IMO probably won't due the trick. He needs to hear it from someone else, but even that is beyond your control. Many people are able to achieve recovery through 12 step alone that didn't have insurance or the ability to attend inpatient rehab. Your husband has had the gift of a month and although it hasn't worked out like y'all wanted it to, I do believe it was enough time for him to get the general idea of healthy living (because he continued it for 2 weeks after getting out).
I'll be thinking of y'all. Keep us updated. :)
Love,
Holly

Hi Callie. You know what I think about this already but I'll post it.

I think he needs to actively be working a program. AA/NA- whatever. I think IOP is a good next move. I think he should have been going to meetings the moment after he walked back in your door. I think he should have found a sponsor, even if temporary, by now. I think at the VERY least, he should be seeing a counselor, preferably a substance abuse counselor because he is going to fall back into his old (and comfortable) ways the first chance he gets. His self-esteen is slipping and the depression is setting and it will overtake him. It will. Being idol, being bored, being depressed and low self-esteem are huge triggers.

Now that your insurance issues are straightened out - HE needs to start making some calls and begin knocking on some doors. He probably qualifies for some type of halfway house or sober living so I would say, if he doesn't start DOING something but ass quick, I'd tell him to go (and not to his mothers house). Draw the line in the sand Callie and don't move it. There is no wiggle room here. You don't deserve the anxiety you are feeling again and you have the power now, within yourself, to do what you need to do. You also need to make time and rearrange your schedule to go to some meetings and start networking with others locally who are like you or have been through simliar scenerios.

We spoke about AH having no qualms about stopping at DQ and indulging on your dime. He has no right to spend your money on such a selfish thing as ice cream. He has not earned that type of "treat". I think he still has alot of hoops to jump through.

He can't afford to do a sober living house $150/week. He's said he was going to go to meetings, but up until 4-5 days ago we've been under the assumption he'd be going back to rehab - so meetings weren't a priority because he's had his suitcase packed and ready to go back.

He says he knows what he needs to do, but he's just not motivated to do it. It's almost like he thought he was on "vacation" from rehab. Now that's not happening he's floundering around trying to find his way. He does realize he's been backsliding. I guess I'm just wondering how much time to give it for him to find his way.

What about an outpatient program? Insurance should cover the cost. These are usually in every city. Meetings need to be a priority for him as well. 90 meetings 90 days. Meaning a meeting everyday for 90 days.

I thought insurance may cover sober living arrangements.

He knows this stuff better than anyone Callie - He knows what he has to do to stay clean. He also knows that there are always options for recovery facilities if he really wants to go. Insurance is now straightened out - why cant he go somewhere else? Even when 48 passes are giving at my son's rehab they have to go to meetings so why would he think that he didnt need to go to meetings because he would be going back - he's putting recovery off - the longer he puts it off the more likely he is to relapse - in fact he's already relapsed back into addict thinking.

So what's Callie going to do? What were your boundaries when he came home or were you also putting those off because he was going back? I made this mistake when my son was on house arrest waiting to get back into rehab - I ended up living with a dry drunk which in a lot of ways is no different. Many sober living houses i've looked at will give them a little time to get a job before they have to come up with the fees. Most times addicts dont have jobs when they go to these places and your husband knows this. Bottom line is he knows what he is supposed to be doing and he's not doing it - you know what you have to do but you dont want to do it.

He can find a job, but then he loses his unemployment, which is $400 per week. He has $150 in fines from court every 2 weeks, plus other bills that were close to collections. If he went to the sober living, he loses unemployment, has to pay $150 plus all food and other expenses. I will not be responsible for his court costs or his other bills, so it's not feasible to do a sober living because he could not afford to pay that bill on top of his other bills. I'm all for his recovery, but not at my expense when there are other options. He could do an IOP or meetings or something else where he wouldn't lose unemployment.

Exactly what I did. He was suppose to be up here a week or so. It's now taken a month do get things resolved. We both saw things slipping, but were in the mentality of "he's going to be leaving anyway."

So AM I expecting to much this early? To get schedule in place, stick with it, gets meetings lined up or whatever? He can do IOP and insurance would pay for it.

The thing that is bad is that he has no where to go but his moms. That is NOT a healthy place for him AT ALL. He says it and she says it. He could go live with his dad 8 states away for a while, but of course has no license to get there right now (lost it because of court.)

Where there is a will, there's a way. If he wanted it bad enough HE would seek it out.

Has the rehab given him ideas, other options? I'd be surprised if they didn't. Did he come home with a treatment plan? This is usually what one leaves the hospital with. Although I know he was planning on going back, there still should have been a plan.

Callie let him seek this stuff out himself, or leave. It's not your job to be his treatment manager. If he doesn't do it, he doesn't want it that bad, period.

OK, I get it. Initially he did take charge of all of this, but we were both under the assumption that he was going back and somewhere along the line he just started slacking.

I get my part in this, what do I do to enforce the boundaries NOW. Set a time line for him to get things in order?

My boundaries are to:

--get on a schedule with sleep, work etc.
--get your $hit together financially as best as you can
--look for a job
--get into some kind of recovery program.

My only option is to send him back to his moms, which is the most toxic place on earth for him to be. Do I really kick him out after he's come so far? Is there another alternative that's safer for his recovery?

Thanks guys :Val004:

At the very LEAST, he should be doing IOP and meetings, not just IOP. He has to do EVERYTHING he can to stay clean and be a productive family member and citizen. Also, just because he goes to IOP or meetings, doesn't mean that you can't still require him to do certain things around the house. He has alot to make up to you and those kids Callie. It's not just a "hey, I got clean, throw me a parade" thing. He IS dry and he knows it - he just probably doesn't know that YOU know it.

Reach deep inside you girl and tell him enough is enough. He must work on his sobriety in order to live under your roof otherwise he's dead weight and a financial drain.

My AH went to a meeting the other day and came back and told me the lady speaker said something interesting. She said her husband sat down with her and told her that she was bringing nothing to the table therefore she had to go. AH picked up on that and said "oh, I bet Janet feels the same way" and when he shared that with me....I was like "ya think?" Of course I feel/felt that way. Everything needs to be consistent. You consitently need to wash clothes, you consistently need to work, you consistently need to make sure the kids homework is done and they've had their baths and brushed their teeth, you consistently need to make sure they are at games/practices on time and dressed out. You consistently need to put dinner on the table and do a conzillion other things on a daily basis. He needs to consistently DO SOMETHING and I would say that starts with waking up when the rest of house gets up and planning his day which would include some chores, some recovery related items and bending over backwards trying to make your day a little more managable. :Val004:

Its all excuses. throughout all of this you are still taking charge of his recovery. If your boundary was that he had to leave if he didnt have a recovery plan then he leaves. Buy him a bus ticket to his dad's - that will be cheaper then you feeding him. Greyhound Home

Callie, I agree with all of the others. It's HIS recovery, HE should be taking it on, meetings, IOP, job, whatever. YOUR job is to take care of Callie.

As far as expectations, first and foremost, there should be hope, but not expectations, expectations equal resentment. I know this first hand, you see my daughter, who has 4+ months clean, left her H and is living with me. I had hoped to see different behaviors, (hmmmm like behaving as a 30yo woman should) however I still see behaviors that are very selfish. She IS however attending meetings, most every day. If I see that she is no longer working her recovery, I will have no alternative but to put her out. You need to set your boundaries, and stick by them. Stop being his buffer.

Hugs,
Chris

Great idea, thank you! I will sit down with AH in a bit (he just woke up from a good 14 hour sleep - the poor baby ;). These ARE my boundaries, but I've n ot wanted to send him to his moms.

His mother's cannot be an option and he should know that. Not because you said so but because he realizes his mother is toxic. She enabled him over and over again. I agree that if he wants it - he will do what he needs to do. Let us know how the talk goes.

Well, I didn't grab the pot and wooden spoon, but I did strain my vocal chords a bit. I wrote down my expectations, gave them to him, explained what I would tolerate and said I'd furnish a bus ticket if he was going out of state.

He tried threatening going to his moms, I said if that's what he chooses, so be it. I think he's teetering between recovery and using. He's miserable the way he is, depression has set in and I think he almost thinks he should just throw the towel in because being sober is too hard. He's sick today, which doesn't help his mental state. I have no tolerance/sympathy for that anymore because of the amount of times I've seen him dopesick.

Any ideas as to a timeline? A week, 2 weeks? I feel like he can make immediate changes as far as a recovery program or helping around the house or sleeping. The job thing will take longer I'm sure. I want to stick to my boundaries/demands, but don't want to frustrate him into throwing in the towel because he feels hopeless.

At this point though, I know I've done everything within my power to keep him clean short of making myself crazy.

What happened to the legal separation?

It's still happening, I was trying to get it pushed through before he left though. Now I don't think he's leaving. He's going to call insurance about the Sober Living Facility that's next to the rehab.

Callie, 1 week, two weeks, it's up to you, what are YOU comfortable with, because you will need to stick to your decision.

Hugs,
Chris

notice how even though you offered a solution on how to get to his dad's he still threatened to go to his mom's? that's a trigger point for you. I remember how angry you were with his mom's enabling - he's caught onto that and is using that as a manipulation tool - i'm glad you didnt fall for it. My son does this - when i get too tough he starts talking about living with his alcoholic dad.

so you ask how long? well, in my opinion i've found it easier to expect the behavior i'm currently getting to continue. how long could you tolerate this kind of behavior? if it were me i would say only a day or two because there's no time for change like the present. If you give him a lot of time he'll shape up for a couple of days and then slide back into his old ways - he's just buying time, his life is in limbo, and he's going to drag it on as long as you let him. You're allowing yourself to be held hostage with the threat of him using again. "Dont make it too hard on me Callie, i'm fragile and i'll use" - that's emotional blackmail. You have to stop making your decisions based on what is best for him because you know that he doesnt make his decisions on what is best for you. Nothing you do is going to cause him to relapse or recover - if he relapses its because he chooses to.

You can get back off the crazy train anytime you want, Callie.

I saw huge red flags when he wasn't hitting meetings right away when he first got sent home from rehab because of the insurance thing.

The Salvation Army's Adult Rehabilitation facility is free. Here is the number he can call for more info: call the Intake Office at 1-800-SA-TRUCK (728-7825).. Hugs..

I agree, at this point though, I don't WANT that to happen, but I won't tolerate the BS anymore. If he's going to use, he'll use. He knows it's not safe @ his mom's and if he's going to risk his recovery. I think it's just that he's sick of being sick, depressed and feels hopeless. I reminded him that it is a big difference from his attitude when he came home from rehab.



I agree with all of this too. I've made it very clear that I'm done with the BS, I'm serious. He is sick today, and I said I don't expect him to move mountains, but maybe a small anthill if that's all he's capable of. I've also located a meeting (going to give it another try!) and will go to it tonight. I'm feeling kind of motivated and pumped today. I think he sees that I'm very serious - he's down to a matter of days/weeks that changes better occur on his part.

I saw it too, as did his rehab buddies and counselor. We did try to go to the dual meetings on that Friday (NA and Naranon) but that fell through. We both just kept thinking he's going back, he's wanting to spend as much time @ home as possible and with the kids.

You know exactly what I will say...that's why you're posting...you are asking us all to kick you in the @ss, and you know that we will.

This is all about you. No time line. None. Go to a meeting right now, today. Call the best man you know for a sponsor NOW. Go meet with him, now, AH, and tell him what you are not doing for your recovery, now. Where is the recovery? How have you let this happen??? I don't like it. You know I told you that him coming to your home is a bad idea. So what if he goes to MOM. It's healthier for you than this.
And what matters now is what is healthier for you at this point.

He aint doing a daggone thing for recovery. He doesn't get it. The basic premise is that we addicts do whatever it takes to recover. Whatever it takes. I never got to take a single day off of work for recovery. Never got a single day of inpatient treatment. I went to the doc. all on my own, got on sub treatment all on my own, and began going to meetings every day, or more often, all on my own, found a sponsor all on my own, built a network and kept in touch with them, all on my own.

What is the difference here? You are in the way. Get out of the way. Let him be homeless or stay at his moms' and be miserable until he gets sick of it or does whatever he decides. Cut loose this dead weight, girl, or you will drown too.

Love,
KJ