Well, I didn't grab the pot and wooden spoon, but I did strain my vocal chords a bit. I wrote down my expectations, gave them to him, explained what I would tolerate and said I'd furnish a bus ticket if he was going out of state.

He tried threatening going to his moms, I said if that's what he chooses, so be it. I think he's teetering between recovery and using. He's miserable the way he is, depression has set in and I think he almost thinks he should just throw the towel in because being sober is too hard. He's sick today, which doesn't help his mental state. I have no tolerance/sympathy for that anymore because of the amount of times I've seen him dopesick.

Any ideas as to a timeline? A week, 2 weeks? I feel like he can make immediate changes as far as a recovery program or helping around the house or sleeping. The job thing will take longer I'm sure. I want to stick to my boundaries/demands, but don't want to frustrate him into throwing in the towel because he feels hopeless.

At this point though, I know I've done everything within my power to keep him clean short of making myself crazy.

What happened to the legal separation?

It's still happening, I was trying to get it pushed through before he left though. Now I don't think he's leaving. He's going to call insurance about the Sober Living Facility that's next to the rehab.

Callie, 1 week, two weeks, it's up to you, what are YOU comfortable with, because you will need to stick to your decision.

Hugs,
Chris

notice how even though you offered a solution on how to get to his dad's he still threatened to go to his mom's? that's a trigger point for you. I remember how angry you were with his mom's enabling - he's caught onto that and is using that as a manipulation tool - i'm glad you didnt fall for it. My son does this - when i get too tough he starts talking about living with his alcoholic dad.

so you ask how long? well, in my opinion i've found it easier to expect the behavior i'm currently getting to continue. how long could you tolerate this kind of behavior? if it were me i would say only a day or two because there's no time for change like the present. If you give him a lot of time he'll shape up for a couple of days and then slide back into his old ways - he's just buying time, his life is in limbo, and he's going to drag it on as long as you let him. You're allowing yourself to be held hostage with the threat of him using again. "Dont make it too hard on me Callie, i'm fragile and i'll use" - that's emotional blackmail. You have to stop making your decisions based on what is best for him because you know that he doesnt make his decisions on what is best for you. Nothing you do is going to cause him to relapse or recover - if he relapses its because he chooses to.

You can get back off the crazy train anytime you want, Callie.

I saw huge red flags when he wasn't hitting meetings right away when he first got sent home from rehab because of the insurance thing.

The Salvation Army's Adult Rehabilitation facility is free. Here is the number he can call for more info: call the Intake Office at 1-800-SA-TRUCK (728-7825).. Hugs..

I agree, at this point though, I don't WANT that to happen, but I won't tolerate the BS anymore. If he's going to use, he'll use. He knows it's not safe @ his mom's and if he's going to risk his recovery. I think it's just that he's sick of being sick, depressed and feels hopeless. I reminded him that it is a big difference from his attitude when he came home from rehab.



I agree with all of this too. I've made it very clear that I'm done with the BS, I'm serious. He is sick today, and I said I don't expect him to move mountains, but maybe a small anthill if that's all he's capable of. I've also located a meeting (going to give it another try!) and will go to it tonight. I'm feeling kind of motivated and pumped today. I think he sees that I'm very serious - he's down to a matter of days/weeks that changes better occur on his part.

I saw it too, as did his rehab buddies and counselor. We did try to go to the dual meetings on that Friday (NA and Naranon) but that fell through. We both just kept thinking he's going back, he's wanting to spend as much time @ home as possible and with the kids.

You know exactly what I will say...that's why you're posting...you are asking us all to kick you in the @ss, and you know that we will.

This is all about you. No time line. None. Go to a meeting right now, today. Call the best man you know for a sponsor NOW. Go meet with him, now, AH, and tell him what you are not doing for your recovery, now. Where is the recovery? How have you let this happen??? I don't like it. You know I told you that him coming to your home is a bad idea. So what if he goes to MOM. It's healthier for you than this.
And what matters now is what is healthier for you at this point.

He aint doing a daggone thing for recovery. He doesn't get it. The basic premise is that we addicts do whatever it takes to recover. Whatever it takes. I never got to take a single day off of work for recovery. Never got a single day of inpatient treatment. I went to the doc. all on my own, got on sub treatment all on my own, and began going to meetings every day, or more often, all on my own, found a sponsor all on my own, built a network and kept in touch with them, all on my own.

What is the difference here? You are in the way. Get out of the way. Let him be homeless or stay at his moms' and be miserable until he gets sick of it or does whatever he decides. Cut loose this dead weight, girl, or you will drown too.

Love,
KJ

i bet you can cut the resentment that's in the air there with a knife. i think being back home is perhaps as toxic as being at mom's.

but wherever he is, he's still who he is. someone not going to daily meetings, someone sleeping like a 2 year old, someone who had so many chances, so much information, so much support, so much more than so many addicts out there who want to be clean.....

he is like a sullen adolescent. and you are the mom. ugh.

i feel anxious just reading about it. and angry. it stirs up all kinds of stuff in me, because i feel the chaos in me of what that household must be like.

callie, your twins need better. they need better than this.

i know it's hard. stay connected to the people here, listen to the veterans: and follow instructions.

your own thinking is not so good these days....not surprising. mine never was either, with an addict in the house. crazy thinking, tunnel vision, inability to make good choices....

follow instructions, callie.

God bless you and your children.

Calllie, don't make excuses for him being sick. When they don't feel like going is exactly when they need to go. Unless he has a 103 fever and is expelling fluids out of his mouth or butt - he needs to go. It is becoming more and more obvious that the past 60 days have meant little to him. He's like a spoiled kid getting ready to kick and thrash and throw a temper tantrum because you just called his bluff and ended his little vacation. He doesn't want to work on anything, not his recovery, not a job and not on your marriage. Using the kids as a reason is a flimsy excuse. The kids will get much more out of him if he's focusing on his recovery.

I gave my AH 2 1/2 days. Every day I asked him where he was on making arrangements to get out and I made it very clear, that I didn't care where he went but out was out. You are right - you can't stop him from picking up again but that HIS CHOICE. You have moved heaven and earth to make this as easy as you could on him. It's obviously going to have to get harder. As far as his court fines go....they are his and if they don't get paid....he goes to jail (not you).

I do want you to do this though okay - the minute he walks out of that door, and I don't care if it's to rehab, sober living, his mom's or his dad's or the corner of ____ and _____ - GET CHILD SUPPORT established immediately. You can collect child support on his unemployment and you are entitled to the child support. Don't worry about how he's going to live. That's for him to figure out - just like you were left to figure out what in the world you were going to do when he crashed and burned.

Personally, I hope he finds somewhere safe and healthy to go to. If he does, keep all the unemployment because he won't need it you will/do. I hope that he has no assess to this unemployment right now (does he?). It ought to be going straight into you pocket.

Also Callie - lying around being lethargic can make you susceptible to illness. saw that with my son too when he was on house arrest. he felt sick a lot of the time. in my job i dont get paid sick days so i have to make myself get up and work even when i dont want to. i maybe take one sick day a year because this is what I HAVE to do to take care of business.

If that is the way you were thinking, fine. He KNEW he needed to be at meetings, Callie. As each day passed by, he knew it. You've been had, and you've been had good. Frankly, you've been duped, my dear.

How 'present' are you for your children, right now?

I'd have his can out of that bed and out the door right now.

He's sick. Oh please, I can't count the days I went to work not feeling well because I had two daughters to support by myself. I can't count the times I drug myself to a meeting not feeling well because my recovery was first and foremost.

yes

Callie,

It really sounds like he is setting himself up to rationalize a relapse.

Your boundaries are about you, not him.

I will not support someone who chooses to be unemployed, is a boundary.

Imposing a "look for a job" is a wishy-washy attempt to control him.

To work or not is his choice. To support and sustain him, in this unemployed state, is your choice.

I don't think she has time. She's the one working and paying all the bills.

Wait a minute...what's wrong with this picture?