Every Year It Gets Harder
 

Many of you know me cuz I have been coming here for 2 yrs. My 42yr old son is addicted to drugs. He is in jail right now. He has been addicted to drugs since he is 21. He has been in & out of jail for the last 8yrs. I want to go see him. I haven't seen him in 8months. He was in wk release in August for about 2wks, then he messed up again and was sent back to jail. I was so angry for the 1st few months I didn't even want to see him. After about 3mts he wrote & asked me to come visit. So I said I would when the weather breaks. Its getting close to that time & I find myself getting all upset inside. Its so hard to see him when you know he is getting older. Then you wonder whats going to become of him. You know you can't take him in & its worrying you. I know I just have to trust my HP. Thanks for letting me share.
Diane

(((((Diane)))))

Sweetie, you have posted a lot of your trip into recovery here over the last 2+ years, including I believe dealing with your 'enabling' parents.

Instead of tying yourself all up in knots, how about just doing a "Pro and Con" list on going to visit son. I remember how many times he 'goofed' up his work release, and is still in jail, only BECAUSE OF HIMSELF. Now if part of the consequences of HIS ACTIONS, turns out to be that it is just too physically and emotionally hard on you to see him there, then so be it.

Sweetie, if you do not take care of you, physically, financially, emotionally, and spiritually, you won't be around when he gets out.

So ................................... do your Pro and Con list. Take days or weeks ............. when you think of something write it in the appropriate column. That will give you something in Black and White, which I have found for me, helps immensely when I am struggling with a decision.

In the meantime, it is good to hear from you, I have been wondering how you were doing and have kept you and your whole family in my prayers.

Hope the above helps a teeny bit.

Love and hugs,

God bless you, and thank you so much Laurie. I will take your advice. I don't see how its going to help though. I will go see him when the weather breaks even if I don't want to. I said I would & I'll keep my word.
Hope all is well with you & yours,
Diane
I will keep you in my prayers.

Diane, I visited my oldest AD several times when she did the 9 months on felony drug charges. I told myself never again.

The last time she was in jail, I really debated, but I felt I still had some amends to make, and that was my purpose in going.

I did what I had to do. She sat there the entire 30 minutes on the other side of the glass smirking at me.

I cleaned my side of the street, and walked out of there with a sense of closure knowing there is absolutely nothing I can do for her, and let go.

There will be no visits next time. My communication with her is minimal.

I have a right to be happy, joyous, and free. I refuse to let her poor choices over the years take away from my life and my happiness.

I refuse to be sad anymore, to dwell on what might have been. I know that isn't what God wants for me.

I wish I could give you what I have, but I can't. Would you settle for some virtual hugs? :ghug :ghug

I'm glad you shared.

When it comes to an addict who is not using, but not in recovery, I am learning that if I have low expectations, I will not be disappointed. It's when I expect him to be a changed person, that I end up feeling let down... again... (((hugs)))

I like what Laurie said about the pro and con list. You really deserve to just take care of you Rosied. You have given your son enough of yourself. He can take care of himself now. It is time. Hugs, Marle

Hi rozied, I can hear the saddness in your post and it breaks my heart. Addiction is so horrible and it just seems that certain people just can't get it together and recover. But after trying for years to support, love and just being there for your son its time for you... To see that maybe by just NOT visiting he'll maybe start to understand how vulnerable his mom really is. We can't be strong all the time and years of this really does take a toll on our hearts. Is it possible for your other son (Chris)) to drive with you for the visit?? Big hugs hon and know I'm thinking of you, Bonnie

ive been to jail not 4 drugs but fines but im also an addict and its hard in there you become suicidal almost and if no one writes or sees u its even worse i know this because no one seen me or wrote me i agree u have to take care of u first but dont forget hes your baby drop him a line and if if you have time see him just dont make it 1st priority i know its hard but if u think about it hes sober right now he needs to know you care

Your guy doesn't know how to do life, but perhaps the predictability of incarceration
works for him.

THIS IS HIS PATH... TRY NOT TO RESIST
the more we resist the harder it is for us.

Maybe this jail stint will be the lesson for him. Let's hope.

Thanks everyone. It is just so hard seeing him like that, yr after yr, getting older yet not learning anything. I KNOW its up to him.

i know how u feel about that. my a.s. as you probley remember is pulling a 7-9 yr. prison term. rozied, they have a place to go if they will. they can get into a half way house & learn to live on the outside without using. my son will be about 44yrs. old when he gets out. i do not focus on what he will do. he has been in prison most of his life since he was 21 yrs. old. he has always come out & tried to stay clean but always went back to the drugs. nothing changes if nothing changes. as far as going to see him don't go if you do not want to. if you decide to go & the visit does not go like you want it to you can always get up & leave. focus on you & put him in your h.p. care. only your son & his h.p. can help him. prayers going up for u & him both.

Thanks Hope, you really understand because you have a son that is about the same age as my son. My son started using when he was 21 but didn't go to jail for the 1st time until about 8yrs ago..............the last 8yrs have been like a revolving door for him.
It hurts me so much to see him like this. Maybe this time when he gets out it will be different because as I understand it there will be no parole. He has to stay until he maxes out.

Honestly, it sounds like you dont want to go and that is perfectly fine and understandable. At this stage in my son's addiction I do what I want to do not what he wants me to do. If i want to visit I do - If i dont want to visit I dont. If he asks i just tell him i'm not ready to see him. If he treats me disrespectfully he knows that i wont be visiting for a while. Just becuase i'm his mother doesnt mean i'm his personal emotional punching bag. So go when you want to. If you're not ready yet just send him a letter telling him so. Just tell him you love him but you arent ready for this. The last time my son went to jail I didnt visit at all - the jail is 20 minutes from my house and we dont have weather problems - there was no reason for me not to go except that i just didnt want to. This was a huge part of my recovery and actually seemed to get through to him more than anything else i ever did - isnt it funny that the thing i did for myself is what helped him the most.

((((Rozied)))) I'm sorry you're sad. It sounds as if you are losing today for the worry and stress of thinking about this visit. Is that changing anything? One of the things I had to repeatedly do every time I caught myself awfulizing, was ask myself, okay what is this worrying doing? Does it change what is today? Nope, but it made me feel sick and depressed and just plain yucky. So I decided to live today and see what tomorrow brings. It takes work...I used to even have to say it out loud sometimes, or say the Serentity Prayer out loud over and over. But eventually, like many things, it became habit and now awfulizing is not normal to me and it is easy to stop.

I hope you can live today and not worry about the change in the weather yet and what will haapen then. Many hugs.

Diane,

I just wanted to drop by and send you a hug. Everyone has given you so much good advice, I really don't have much to add. I agree that you need to do what is best for you if seeing him is to hard, write him a letter explaining that. Hopefully he is doing something worth while with his time in jail, I would encourage him to take some classes learn a new trade while he is there, I believe PA offers some really good educational courses in jail. All we can do is hope. How long is he in for if you don't mind my asking?

Thanks MyJoey, He was due to max out 12/25/09 but in the last letter he wrote to my mom he said they took 55days off of his sentence for good behaviour so that lets him out the end of Oct.

Well, good behavior is a start. BIG SMILE please try not to worry just maybe he is doing good this time and your worrying is not going to change the out come. Hugs to you, I know it is hard.

Hey Rozied,
I can sympathize with your worrying, I do it too, from time to time, cause my oldest AS still isn't living his life like I want him to! (just kidding) And NOW bringing a baby into the mix, good grief, if I forget about my recovery, I could worry myself insane!



Now here's the good part. We can talk to ourselves, pull out a couple of books, Like "Courage to Change" One Day At A Time" or even Melody Beatties, "Codependent No more" and find help for us, and get us back on track.

Heck there's nothing wrong with concern, but heck Diane, if you and I left this world tomorrow, both of our As's would carry on with life just fine without us.

Miracles happen.
Prayers for your son........

Diane, Thanks for reminding me, you are so right.

rozied, It doesn't matter how old our children are, be it 8 or 58, their still our children. So yes we still worry, we still want to see them healthy & happy. Once they reach adulthood we need to let go, we need to focus on ourselves.

Go easy on yourself, if visiting your son is something you are not ready to do, then don't.
Like Julie said, write him a letter, explain to him just how hard it is to see him at this time.

Above all else remember he is an adult, and you need to take care of you. Take back your life.

Hugs,
Chris