Should I allow my ex to visit his son?
 

Hi. My ex is a drug dealer and an addict. We have a 3 month old son together. He wasn't there much of the time during my pregnancy or since my child was born. When I pressured him to change his lifestyle, lets just say he bailed. I allowed him to see his child after he was born and tried to go into some sort of visitation. He always tries to get back together with me and told me that he has someone else (with whom I have spoken) that would accept his lifestyle. He brags about his drug dealer and of all the bar fights he has been getting into, the girls, etc...He is addicted to cocaine, percocet, oxycontin, marijuana, alcohol, and occasionally uses other drugs. He truly loves his drug life. He makes a large amount of money from it. He has never said he wants help.

During his last visitation, from which he was saying how he wanted to get back together, etc., I got hold of his cell phone and spoke to a girl he had been seeing while we were together and is continuing to see. He ran out the door and left the cell phone with me. I got more information that, let's say, truly disgusted me.

It is 2 weeks later and he has called, despite a no contact order being in place, and says he wants to see his child or he will no longer pay child support. I don't need the money, I can do it without him, but I am concerned about what my child will think of me when he gets older. I am also fearful that if I do let him see him, my child may believe his lifestyle is ok and become an addict himself.

merrygoround, Welcome to SR! I personally would be more frightened by my child thinking that the lifestyle of a dealer/addict is okay, then why did I keep his father away from him. Certainly doesn't sound like your ex is going to change anytime soon (if ever), therefore, since you can afford taking care of your baby without the ex, I would.

Hugs,
Chris

I agree with serenity. One day, when you think your child is old enough to understand, you need to speak with him about his father. He carries the addiction gene too and he has a good chance of being an addict, even without his father in his life. I imagine that your child will understand that you did not allow him to have a relationship with his father because of his dangerous lifestyle and he will be thankful. Also, unless you just don't want to get into the mess, it may be possible for you to get child support from him even without visitation rights. But in my opinion, your childs safety and well-being is more important than anything else.
And yours too.

I would do everything legally. Let a judge decide.

My son's AD was out of his life for 10 years and has only just now come back. I sought sole custody -never asked for child support because i, like you, didnt care about the money. I actually felt that the money would mean he would be stuck in our lives forever and i wanted him away from us - i never denied him visitation but had all the rights so i could be the one to decide when and where it was appropriate. He had no legal obligation and pretty much just went away on his own - which was a relief to me.

So did it affect my son not having his dad? Yes - he has abandonment issues
Do i think it would have affected him more having his dad? Yes.
Does he blame me? No - surprisingly since he blames me for everything else but he doesnt blame me for his dad and i have told him the truth about everything i did. Even if he did blame me I would still do it the same way because its what was best for him.

I never dogged his dad to him but i did tell him when he got older that his dad was an alcoholic and just wasnt capable of being a dad. Not everyone is. I made a decision when my son started asking that I wouldnt let him see his dad until he was old enough to protect himself and get out of dangerous situations. Last year his dad came back into his life and he has caused so much confusion in my son - its starting to seem like the pain of having dad in his life has been worse then the pain of being abandoned. my son goes back and forth - when he wants to get away with stuff he prefers being around his dad who doesnt care what he does. So even though I agree that genetics plays a higher part i also agree with you because his dad did allow things that were unacceptable. When he is in a stable place he knows that his dad cant be a dad and he stays away from him.

You have to do whatever is best for your child today - you cant worry about the future. Love your child in the best way you can and seek him safe - what happens in the future you cannot control.

As a side note - through experience I know that addiction is more than just what you learn from your parents. My son didnt spend much time at all with his dad during his life and I gave him a very stable home but he is still exactly like his dad. He talks like him, behaves like him and is an addict himself. There are so many little similarities that i thought were learned emotions but arent. So there is a lot of genetics involved in this. I say that for those out there who are considering having a child with an addict - the genetics are going to give them a predisposition to addiction.

Kind of off topic but I've seen some bizarre similarities and this one is the most visual. I gave my son the Moon when he was a little boy - just a game we played one night when the moon was full. He then picked out a star and gave it to me. Later on he made a moon and star symbol that he said represents us and its been our symbol for many years. It was really sweet but what freaked me out about it is that his dad has had the exact same symbol tatooed on his ankle for about 25 years - long before i met him. About two years ago, before he met his dad, he said he wanted to get it tatooed on his ankle when he got old enough. Again i was freaked out - not only the same symbol but in the same location, but i never told my son about any of it. When he met his dad and saw it wow was he freaked out. What's the odds of that one?

Wow, you made me cry with that one. I will truly die if my son does become an addict. What is the point in all of this if fate will one day make it happen anyway?

I would not be able to get child support from him through the Court system, as he has no wages to garnish. The only thing he does is deal drugs. He also has no license to take away anymore. He lost that a long time ago.

Darlin I'm so sorry. Please dont cry - we all have something in our genes that we're predisposed to but that doesnt mean we have to carry it on and it doesnt mean that your son will. My daughter is also genetically proned to addiction but she is the polar opposite of her brother - more like me. Not saying that I could have stopped my son's addiction but had I known then what I know now - i probably would have done quite a few things differently. Here's a few things i think I could have done better:

I would not have been so free spirited with my son and I would have spent more time talking to him about things like solving your problems in healthy ways.

I would been more insistant that he play team sports (which teaches kids how to work together and think about others).

I wouldnt have said stupid things to him like "pot's not so bad."

I would have gotten him the help he needed when he was young to deal with the issues instead of waiting till he had full blown depression - he would have still dealt with it but may have not taken it to such dangerous levels just seeking attention.

I would have been his parent and not his friend.

More than anything - I would have enforced consequences everytime instead of letting him off the hook all the time. that was the one thing that i did teach him that he struggles the hardest with - he knows how to talk his way out of anything.

I didn't contact him. He left a message. I revoked the permission I gave him earlier regarding contact a few weeks ago when he came to my house all high to see his son and accused me of hiding his pills.

I am one of those who does not buy into genetic predisposition for addiction.

I do however, believe that there may be a genetic predisposition to immature congnition/concrete thinking and some personality traits that are more conducive to addiction/alcoholism.

I tend to think it's more about the culture and easy availability of substances.

Why bother to learn to cope with anything when there are an abundance of prescription meds that will make us feel better in the moment. That they are FDA approved and an MD prescribes them means they are safe, right?

Our culture tolerates pain pill addiction reasonably well. How many people understand an opiate is an opiate?

Rehab is cool and where the celebrities go to detox, between parties.

It's all about the culture. Our culture, right now, values the quick fix over the hard work of living life as is, not as we think it should be. It's easier to take a hit, or pop a pill and live in the moment.

Hi merrygoround. My situation sounds similar to yours. We must draw reasonable boundaries based on behavior.

My boundary is: I will not allow active addicts or people involved in illegal behavior around my son. I will not allow people who are on drugs or I suspect are on drugs in my home or around me or my family. If you are involved in any of these activities I will not answer the phone when you call. I will not answer the door if you show up. If you refuse to leave, I will call the police and report that you are on drugs and harrassing me.

I don't answer the phone when he calls and I only return calls after 2 messages and 24 hours. This seems to put an end to most contact attempts when he was using.

Now he's not using and it's a whole other ball game. It's even more worrisome now that he's clean because he STILL isn't a good example for his little boy. PM me if you want. I can give you more details.

(((((Merrygoround)))))

WELCOME to SR, happy to see you here, but sorry for the reasons that brought you to us. There is great Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) on this site and it is free for the taking.

You asked, so here goes. lol

As to your son. Since you have a "No Contact" order in place, although I am not as sure of Canadian laws as I am of those in the U.S., I do believe you can go to court and get "Supervised Visitation."

This will solve a good part of your dilemena in that it will be an impartial observer at each visitation (to protect your son), it will show your son as he gets older that you did not try and prevent his father from visiting, but that you were very concerned about your son's welfare, and as time goes on, your son will have 'limited' contact with an active addict.

Somewhere down the road, should the child's father regain his senses and get clean and sober and start living a clean and sober live, changing his ways so to speak, the "Supervised Visitation" order could always be revised or closed by the court.

I admire your courage in protecting YOURSELF and YOUR SON.

As far as him 'paying' child support, please get a court order for that also whether you need the money or not. If you can live without it, great, put it in a fund for your son's future college. This is part of the CONSEQUENCES of HIS ACTIONS that he is RESPONSIBLE FOR. Thus, if he chooses to become a 'deadbeat dad' in addition to his other problems, there will be more CONSEQUENCES through the COURTS for his actions. Doesn't matter that he has 'no visible job' in that I am sure Canadian Courts are similiar to here in the U.S. and the judge doesn't care, will tell the father to get a job, and order X amount to be paid monthly or weekly, etc. When not paid, eventually the courts go after the offender and lock them up. Child support has become a BIG ISSUE in Family Courts both here in the U.S. and Canada. Holding the men responsible for their part in producing a child.

This is called CYA (cover your azz).

We are here for you, there are many on this board that have been where you are. Please keep posting and let us know how YOU and that beautiful child are doing, we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

OTL - i wish you could meet my son and his dad - it may change your opinion on genetics. He spent no time around him until recently yet he has the exact same personality traits. It has always been very spooky to me as he was growing up to see him act exactly like this man that he didnt even know. He was never around drugs in his life and only saw me drink in moderation - yet he is hogwild on anything he will take anything and cant stop himself once he starts - just like his dad. I have maintained a friendship with Ex's brother (who is nothing like him) and even he would get creeped out at how closely they resembeled each other in their behavior. It wasnt that he looked like his Dad because he doesnt very much - its that he has the same personality and the same weaknesses. They were raised totally differently so I dont think its upbringing.

As for the rest i agree - our society teaches kids to take a pill and everything is better and then complains when they take a pill that isnt socially acceptable. We're confusing them in our contradictions.

OUT TO LUNCH:
you're right. Which is exactly why we need to talk to our children about the choices their parent(s), siblings, etc. made and why it is NOT acceptable. I think that one of the main reasons that kids try drugs, or try more drugs ("well, i've tried alcohol, now i'm trying weed... well, i've tried weed, now let's try x...) is curiosity.

It's important to sit down with your son and tell him why his dad made the decisions he made (why he thought it was good) and the consequences. By the time your son gets old enough to understand, if your ex has not sought treatment, trust me, there will be PLENTY of consequences to show for his addiction.
Otherwise, to a easily influenced child it looks like there aren't any consequences.

I don't think my ex will make it through this. He is pretty bad shape. He goes on a binge for days, then sleeps for days. He says he gets pains when he doesn't take percoset and can barely function. He even watches the show intervention like he wants help...so many mixed signals. I am not sure if he will be around when my son gets older. I can't help him though. All his family know and support him in his lifestyle.

He says I can't prove he is a dealer or an addict in Court...

It doesn't matter what your ex says... This is about you and your son. Your ex is just quacking like an addict. Trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

I believe my son could have a genetic predisposition to addiction. There are addicts/alcoholics in my family and in his fathers family. I'm not going to make it worse by letting drug dealers and active addicts in his life. That might give him the impression that it's ok to use drugs because mommy. Then he would have both the genetic predisposition AND the environmental factors influencing him. It would make things twice as bad.

Take it a day at a time. You don't have to solve all these dilemnas right now. All you have to do is take care of your baby to the best of your ability and make WISE decisions based on what is happening right now. EVERYTHING else will work itself out in time. Including your ex's addiction. Believe it Merrygoround.

You can focus on trying to save your ex or focus on your protecting and raising your son. It's your choice.

those are withdrawals.