What was that day for you? Care to share?
 

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." - Anais Nin

I have in two threads now..

..but here it is:

My AhHa moment came when I suddenly realized what AlAnon was about. My AhHa moment came out of needing self respect from ME before anyone else.

Cuz if I got no respect for me I get no respect from anyone else.

still praying for that day to come :c016:

The day I totally lost it:

Ex-abf jumped my six foot fence, he was banging on my back door, wouldn't quit.

I grabbed my BB gun, walked out the door with it, he ran down the stairs into the yard.

I started firing from the deck, he started jumping and bobbing, I was a firing. My neighbor came out, started yelling " Dolly, aim to the left" "Higher, lower"... he then jumped behind the shed, I was still firing...he ran like a bat out of h'll, jumped the fence again...he could jump like a gazell...he was screaming "Your crazy", "Your crazy"...
He was right I was.

I don't know if I blossomed, but, I shot over 20 holes in my shed...never hit him..I am a lousy shot....thank god...

That day was my turning point, I put down my gun and went forward with my life.

The day that I went to my daughter's apartment and she was in bed with the ex-crack addict boyfriend. That was the day I decided that I either was going to kill myself or get better. Thankfully I chose the later. Hugs, Marle

When my AD went back to the drug dealer "BF" who abused her after 60+ days. I knew then I had to get real help...it was her, then me!!

susan

I was lying in bed, deathly ill after a stroke and a heart attack at the ripe old age of 47. I was there because I had been 100% taking care of an addict, and giving myself 0%. Docs said I had at best 6 months to live.

My "A", who today is my ex-wife, came into the room and offered me a handful of her pills.

I realized that if I took that handful I would not stop. I would take every single pill in the house. And the house had pills _everywhere_, more pills than fleas in a dog pound. All I had to do was reach out, take those pills, and the whole nightmare would be over. That easy.

I _really_ wanted those pills. Wanted them more than I have ever wanted anything. All I had to do was reach out and be done. That easy.

I heard a voice saying to my ex-wife, "I'm sorry, but I can't have those". I turned around and slept for the first time in days. I still don't know who said those words. It was my mouth, my voice, but not my intent.

Been three years now since that night. Found better docs, lotsa good meds, and a wonderful new life thanx to al-anon. My life is filled with miracles today, starting with the fact that I woke up this morning with a heart that nobody can explain why it still pumps, and a peace of mind that I can't explain where it came from.

I got butterfly wings now. Another 10lbs of dieting and I think I'll be able to fly ;)

Mike :)

When my son didn't arrive on the bus that was to bring him home for Father's Day, I drove an hour to his city, right to the crackhouse (somehow I KNEW he was there) and I knocked on the door. When they told me he wasn't there and shut the door, I told them to open the door and send him out or I would kick it down!!! I'm a lady incapable of kicking down doors but my voice must have told them I meant it and my son came out.

I went back to his apartment with him and spent the night on the couch and when I left for home in the morning, he returned to the crack house.

On the drive home, I had to pull over because the tears were blinding me. I sat at the side of the highway and just told God: "I give up, I can't do this anymore, he's all Yours".

That was the end of my insane behaviour and the beginning of my true recovery. I've never regretted "giving up and letting go", it was the beginning of my new life, one that was worth living.

Good thread, Passion, and it's good for me to remember the pain because I know that I will never ever have to go there again.

Hugs

It was a dark dark dark time for me that night. He came home because a big hurricane was about to hit, he was going to help me secure the home, get supplies. He said he had to go to his dad's real quick (10 min. away). 10 days later, after weathering the storm with 3 kids, no food, no gas, no power, no water, no phone and no help anywhere, severe damage to the home and no way out, sick as a dog, phones come back on and I find him with a 27 year old addict.

I sat on my bed that night with a 38 to my head, squeezing the trigger half way. At the half way point, I kept flashing to a picture of my kids finding me and I would let off the trigger and get the courage up to start squeezing again, at half way that image would flash in my mind again. I sat there for hours. I wanted it over, but I loved my kids too much, I cared too much about what it would do to them. I called a hotline and got someone who put me on hold, then wouldn't even talk to me. I found SR's site on suicide that said if you are in crisis right now, just read this first. In the process of reading, there was a part that said, your're still alive. And I was. I decided right then, he took everything from me, my money, my love, my faith, my security, my hope, my happiness, my self esteem, my desire to live, I'd be damned if he took my life and in the process destroyed my kids lives too.

Even then, it still wasn't about me, my codieness just wanted to protect those kids. Over time, in little bits and pieces I started finding me. SR helped me do that. I never made it to a face to face meeting, I probably never will, too many fobias. There was no defining moment of recovery, just a whole lot of little recoveries one day at a time.

Today, I have a peace in my heart. I have compashion and forgiveness, I understand better. Today, I Live life, I don't just suffer through it.

B

Wow, Frankly, your post touched my heart and this last line really says it all.

Love you, my friend, thank you for sharing that.

Hugs :hug:

Plain and simple....the day I realized it was him or me.

I FINALLY chose me!

Frankly, I am so glad you chose to live and that SR was of some help to you during your crisis.

The first time:

We were living in our new home. A brand new home, the thing that I thought would ease my pain and make our life perfect. I was in the kitchen, and my son (age 5 at the time) came in and said something to me. I don't remember what he said, but I will never forget HOW he said it. The message was a command, spoken with derision and disrespect. I remember feeling as though I had been kicked in the stomach. All of the air left my lungs, and I slumped to the floor. My son ran to me, and I gathered him in my arms, crying. I realized at that moment that my sons were learning how to treat their wives by watching how their father treated me. I stopped crying, picked up the phone and called my parents who lived 750 miles away. I was so ashamed when I started the call - to admit out loud that I had made a mistake and that my marriage was in shambles, that he drank and I was a mess... - and my parents said "THANK GOD it's about time!" I really didn't think they knew anything was wrong.

Although I divorced him , I didn't find recovery. I didn't know about Al Anon, and I really didn't think I was the one who needed help. SO - I did what many of us do in that situation: I replaced him with another one just like him (only more passionate and more violent).

My life with THAT husband was the one that brought me to my knees, and to the doors of Al Anon. When his children moved out to live with their mother, he took scissors and cut them out of all of our family photos. My sons still lived with us, so he poured all of his attention and anger and love and frustration into them. They were teenagers and when his 'isms' spiraled out of control, they moved to their father's house. When he demanded that I take down their pictures (I'd already hidden the photo albums :) ) and then told me we were going to move to LATVIA to be missionaries... when he found a job as a youth pastor at a church even though none of our 5 kids would speak to him...

That's when I knew it was time. Thank GOD for my Al Anon group. They loved me thru the process. They shared their ESH with me, and didn't tell me what to do. They suggested I make a safety plan as they worried that his rage might turn on me. And they were right.

I will tell anyone who asks that Al Anon saved my life: all of me... mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally.

Thanks Nyte. I didn't realize I felt so strongly about all of this until I started my response!!

My ex wasn't physically abusive towards me or anyone for that matter ... One day we were out in his garage (arguing over how he never spends anytime with me or his kids) and he stopped, looked at me and said, "I think you want me to hit you" You think you have it so bad .. I should just go ahead and kick your a$$ to show you how bad you could have it ... #1. I knew right then and there that his addiction was taking him down to deeper, darker levels (he was completely losing himself) #2. I knew that IF he ever did lay a hand on me that I would have to EARL him (for explanation look up the lyrics to "Goodbye Earl" by The Dixie Chix) .. I knew DAMN well I wasn't about to be hit on by him and at that point it would be him or me and I was determined I would be the one that walked away and in the midst of all the ugly thoughts dancing through my head I realized I was going down into deeper, darker levels with him ... It was at that moment that a light switched on and it became clearer than ever that it was time to PLAIN AND SIMPLY "LEAVE HIM" ... so I did. Saved my sanity and kept me out of prison all in one decision.

Passion

Ive had a few as Im still blooming slowly.
My moment was when I drove the man Im still deeply in love with to the bus station and got him on a bus to go 500 miles away, where he has the potential of a job and a little trailer. As much as at that second I wanted him to stay and he wanted too as well, I said "this is going be good" "You cant stay here and both of us naively believe things will just change."

We've separated a few times, but this is different, usually he ra or someone else took him this was me making the way for him to go, and him going as both our hearts screamed no.

I didnt listen to my heart for the first time in my life.

My heart is still upset with my head, but itll get easier.


(Nyte, thanks for sharing your last post. )

You put it just right.

I am so glad you made the better choices as well.

(((Frankly)))) I love you, hon. So glad you are here.



I was driving. It was a typical late summer day, here. It was overcast, but not bad. And it wasn't raining... just a little gray.

My daughter had again relapsed and I was off driving off the "white noise" in my brain and sinking deeper into my never-ending depression. I'd been to a few Alanon meetings, but hadn't found much relief.

As I drove, I found places that I love... that spot on the river where I can hear the rapids from the road. The place where the leaves turn early and have such beautiful colors. The site where I can see both mountains... and the river valley where I grew up with my siblings with the ancient volcano flows into the Willapa hills.

I knew what I was doing. I was saying good-bye to my favorite places. I could no longer stomach the image of my beautiful, intelligent daughter sinking further and further into her meth addiction. I'd seen "The Faces of Meth". I'd been to crystalmeth dot com and other sites that showed me in graphic detail what sort of hell she had prepared for herself.

She was going to die. She was going to die young and she was going to die ugly. This mom was not going to watch.

I had the spot picked out - a long, long straight stretch near my mom's house. There was a stone bridge at one end, where the road turned at 90 degrees. I knew from experience I could get the car up over 100 mph on that road. And if I missed the bridge, I'd certainly hit the rock wall behind.

I pulled off into a lot where there is a memorial to my brother who died in 2000. I sat there and cried with such a horrible sadness. I so did NOT want to leave this beautiful place... but I wanted the pain to end even more.

My biggest concern was for my husband and my son, but I convinced myself they would eventually heal... and if not, they would certainly understand. I reached into my purse for a pad in order to write them both letters.... I felt my fingers close over the thick pad and pulled it out.

Instead of my notepad, it was that silly newcomers packet they had given me at my first Alanon meeting. It had a list of numbers on the front. I picked one at random and made the call...without even thinking about it.

I did not know the gal who answered. But she gave me the exact advice I needed that day. She had me write out my fears... all of them. All the things I believed 'might' happen, the worst-case scenario... every bit of it.

Then she told me to burn it. By doing so, I would be giving it back to the only person who could control it... my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God.

What strange advice.

But I did it. I reached back into my purse and found the notepad and started writing. I wrote until my hand cramped up. Then I threw it away.

What relief! I think what I felt that day was peace. I know my fear subsided... for that day. And a day was what I needed. And I vowed to pay back her kindness by attending Alanon meetings - seriously, this time.

And to consider that I had a Higher Power who might be very much interested in my progess along this path I'm on.

Thank you.

((sis)) ((frankly))

Stories like yours touch my heart in ways you cannot imagine... and they give me hope and strength.

Thank you so much for sharing, and thank you even more for BEING here. I can't imagine my world without you in it.

Cats

I remember it as clear as day...

It was payday. I had very carefully budgeted my paycheck to pay some overdue bills...there wasn't a penny to spare...it was all carefully accounted for.

My exah called me on my cell phone as I traveled home...tired...oh so tired...and asked me to pick up a fifth of rum for him. He was in one of THOSE moods....you know the kind...the type of mood where if I didn't pick up the rum, he would make me miserable...following me around the house and hounding me for cash. It didn't matter that my purse was always locked in a lockbox the minute I got home so he couldn't steal any cash or checks out of it...My exah would follow me from room to room nagging me, badgering me, pleading with me, to buy him alcohol. (he would actually say things like "at least I'm not using heroin..."as though I should be HAPPY about that...Assuming, of course, that he was telling the truth which was unlikely anyway).

I don't know why this was a turning point because this incident was so incredibly small...insignificant, really...compared to so many of the traumas and dramas I had gone thru in the last few years.

For some reason...I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live like that another minute. Not one more second.

I was done. D-O-N-E.

I gathered my son up, took him to my exah's brother's home, and called iin the troops (my brothers and sisters) to move me and my son out of our marital home the next morning.

To hell with the fact that we were almost three months behind on the mortgage at that point.
To hell with the fact that my exah would surely spiral into some kind of deep, dark pit when/if I left.
To hell with the fact that my son "needed" a father...(or so I thought).
To hell with everything.
I was done.
Done. Done. Done.

And so I left.
And I never went back. That was almost 3 years ago.

We gave the house back to the bank in lieu of foreclosure.
I moved into a rental house and lived there with my son for almost two years until I could buy a new home of my own.
And I did it. And I'm so proud of myself...and so full of gratitude...and peace...and hope.

Life used to be so dark...so scary...so hopeless.
I used to feel so damn defeated...and trapped.
But not anymore.
Today, I'm genuinely happy.
And I thank God every single day for leading me out of the darkness and back into the light.

It IS possible to escape hell.
I'm living proof
Thank you God.'
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

My lightbulb moment was about 18 months ago when I finally stopped thinking about my exah's drug use as a "problem" and called it what it really it-addiction. That was the turning point for me. I started taking the focus off of him and putting it on myself, learning all I could about the situation and how best to handle things for MYSELF and MY CHILDREN instead of for him.

It was the real beginning of my detachment from him and from the havoc that addiction and codependency had reaped in my life.

I learned that I needed to let go of the fantasy that I had of the perfect home and the fairlytale family, and accept the reality of what my life had become.

At that point, I began a slow but steady walk towards the light at the end of the tunnel by making a plan and setting boundaries. Not making threats to set boundaries, but REAL boundaries that were not an effort to control him but to find peace for myself.

Wonder of wonders-IT WORKS!! :bday8

My moment began 6 months ago, when I knew I was seriously going crazy. For as much as I believed my husband and son were *&%#- up , I realized that I was heading to my own crazy place. So I began a journey back to me. I still struggle with it, daily, but now that I know what I want I will not go back to that place, the place where both of them had a hold of my life, heart, and feelings. I was never happy unless they were happy. And they never asked this of me. I look back and see a very windy road but it still is going forward.:Val004:
Cathy

Passion,

Thank you for starting this thread.... I can not contribute on my turning point because I think I am in it at this moment but not to sure. But this thread has helped me see that as much as I feel alone at this moment I'm not and others have been where I am right this moment.

I relate to you Frankly most of all.... I am in this place right now and the only thing that stops me is the kids and what type of life they may have if I do this.

Thanks,
Jewel

The evening of my mother’s funeral was my turning point.
My Ex had been mixing alcohol with her pills and, like so many times before, woke me from a sleep in the middle of the night. Unlike the other times the topic was, how she wanted me to give her any inheritance because she has plans for the money. When I confronted her the next day she had no recollection of the encounter, it didn't happen and I should seek help for dreaming up these stories. That day I told my daughter that I would stay as long as she would cooperate and try to get off the drugs.

((Jewelz))

Hon, I love you girl. Those sleepless nights, that unending, never easing pain. The feeling that it just wasn't worth it, all options seemed to lead to the same end result. I was caught in that never ending cycle of sadness and despair. I was a hand puppet that moved to everyone elses needs, never my own. I couldn't see the beauty surrounding me for all of the darkness. I couldn't find myself because I couldn't let go. I was so afraid to change anything because I knew I couldn't stand any more pain, I knew something had to change, I knew that the pain would get worse before it ever got better, and I was so very very afraid. I just didn't want to hurt any more. I didn't think I could survive it. But I did Jewel, not only did I survive it, I laughed again, I started seeing beauty in this world again, I started seeing beauty in myself again, I started living again. I had to let go and take a blind step of faith in a totally dark world, you know how scary that was. My first few steps seemed so dark and cold, but with each one, walking away from that dark part of my life got easier and brighter and happier. The weight that I carried on my shoulders began to lift, I stood up straighter and prouder and my steps became stronger. You walked with me Jewel, you and others were right there with me, holding a light for me so I didn't loose my way out of that darkness.

We hold that light for you now Jewel. We love you. We care. We walk with you.

Sending you lots of Love, Hugs and Prayers my friend.
B

I think there has been more than one turning point but I do remember reading a book in college called " Your Erroneous Zones " by Dr Doug Dyer........it was like being reborn, a whole new way of thinking & being became real for me. Looking back maybe the things I read were not all that earth shaking BUT I was ready to see it.

Frankly, Ann
 

Oh my Goodness! You both had me crying!

I'm so happy that we're all here sharing this moment!

Hugs, Devastated

Frankly, thank you so much.... everything your describing is me right now. I wont do the thoughts in my head.. my kids need me and without me they will be seperated and will always wonder why didnt mommy love them enough to stay here. And I do love them enough and no man is worth this even though I feel like crap to put it blindly.. Evetually I will get out of this darkness I am in and will make it. I have to be strong, look at my kids and get strength from their smiles, and laughter. They need me most of all.

I love you too and thank you.

Jewel

I am still trying to find mine. I moved out, then my ah was there all the time. I need some serious help... I know. I cant seem to learn how to make him take care of himself. Or how to make me strong enough to not care. I hate what I am doing to myself and mykids....... Thanks for all the post above for a little help in what you have all been through.