My lightbulb moment was about 18 months ago when I finally stopped thinking about my exah's drug use as a "problem" and called it what it really it-addiction. That was the turning point for me. I started taking the focus off of him and putting it on myself, learning all I could about the situation and how best to handle things for MYSELF and MY CHILDREN instead of for him.

It was the real beginning of my detachment from him and from the havoc that addiction and codependency had reaped in my life.

I learned that I needed to let go of the fantasy that I had of the perfect home and the fairlytale family, and accept the reality of what my life had become.

At that point, I began a slow but steady walk towards the light at the end of the tunnel by making a plan and setting boundaries. Not making threats to set boundaries, but REAL boundaries that were not an effort to control him but to find peace for myself.

Wonder of wonders-IT WORKS!! :bday8

My moment began 6 months ago, when I knew I was seriously going crazy. For as much as I believed my husband and son were *&%#- up , I realized that I was heading to my own crazy place. So I began a journey back to me. I still struggle with it, daily, but now that I know what I want I will not go back to that place, the place where both of them had a hold of my life, heart, and feelings. I was never happy unless they were happy. And they never asked this of me. I look back and see a very windy road but it still is going forward.:Val004:
Cathy

Passion,

Thank you for starting this thread.... I can not contribute on my turning point because I think I am in it at this moment but not to sure. But this thread has helped me see that as much as I feel alone at this moment I'm not and others have been where I am right this moment.

I relate to you Frankly most of all.... I am in this place right now and the only thing that stops me is the kids and what type of life they may have if I do this.

Thanks,
Jewel

The evening of my mother’s funeral was my turning point.
My Ex had been mixing alcohol with her pills and, like so many times before, woke me from a sleep in the middle of the night. Unlike the other times the topic was, how she wanted me to give her any inheritance because she has plans for the money. When I confronted her the next day she had no recollection of the encounter, it didn't happen and I should seek help for dreaming up these stories. That day I told my daughter that I would stay as long as she would cooperate and try to get off the drugs.

((Jewelz))

Hon, I love you girl. Those sleepless nights, that unending, never easing pain. The feeling that it just wasn't worth it, all options seemed to lead to the same end result. I was caught in that never ending cycle of sadness and despair. I was a hand puppet that moved to everyone elses needs, never my own. I couldn't see the beauty surrounding me for all of the darkness. I couldn't find myself because I couldn't let go. I was so afraid to change anything because I knew I couldn't stand any more pain, I knew something had to change, I knew that the pain would get worse before it ever got better, and I was so very very afraid. I just didn't want to hurt any more. I didn't think I could survive it. But I did Jewel, not only did I survive it, I laughed again, I started seeing beauty in this world again, I started seeing beauty in myself again, I started living again. I had to let go and take a blind step of faith in a totally dark world, you know how scary that was. My first few steps seemed so dark and cold, but with each one, walking away from that dark part of my life got easier and brighter and happier. The weight that I carried on my shoulders began to lift, I stood up straighter and prouder and my steps became stronger. You walked with me Jewel, you and others were right there with me, holding a light for me so I didn't loose my way out of that darkness.

We hold that light for you now Jewel. We love you. We care. We walk with you.

Sending you lots of Love, Hugs and Prayers my friend.
B

I think there has been more than one turning point but I do remember reading a book in college called " Your Erroneous Zones " by Dr Doug Dyer........it was like being reborn, a whole new way of thinking & being became real for me. Looking back maybe the things I read were not all that earth shaking BUT I was ready to see it.

Frankly, Ann
 

Oh my Goodness! You both had me crying!

I'm so happy that we're all here sharing this moment!

Hugs, Devastated

Frankly, thank you so much.... everything your describing is me right now. I wont do the thoughts in my head.. my kids need me and without me they will be seperated and will always wonder why didnt mommy love them enough to stay here. And I do love them enough and no man is worth this even though I feel like crap to put it blindly.. Evetually I will get out of this darkness I am in and will make it. I have to be strong, look at my kids and get strength from their smiles, and laughter. They need me most of all.

I love you too and thank you.

Jewel

I am still trying to find mine. I moved out, then my ah was there all the time. I need some serious help... I know. I cant seem to learn how to make him take care of himself. Or how to make me strong enough to not care. I hate what I am doing to myself and mykids....... Thanks for all the post above for a little help in what you have all been through.

This is very much how my thinking was in the beginning. What I have learned, after many, many Alanon meetings; is that -

1. I can't Make them do... anything. Not. One. Thing.

But I had to try for a while, before I was convinced.

2. I will always care.

But I can play some little mind tricks on myself that help me get "detatched". One thing I can do is to "stop looking". By distancing myself from my still using son, I can pretend he is still clean and sober... or that he has developed the skill to drink like a normie... or that he is just fine - for no reason at all.

But if I call, and check up and find out how much money he is spending or how often he is late to work, or how close he is to losing his car... then I cannot stay detached. And I worry and obsess.

So I try not to call. Try not to get into details of his life when I DO call.... and go to as many meetings as I can each week.

(((hugs))))

I was actually in my sons bathtub,
trying to get it clean,
while crying my eyes out.

Bleach, cleanser, vinegar, I tried every cleaning solution in my sons apartment...


My son was in the rehab I drove him to, while here I was, cleaning
his filthy pigsty of an apartment, trying to get the deposit back....

I was crying because this son was my SOBER son, or so I thought. Now both were addicts.

But crying even more for cleaning a bathtub I never even took a bath in....:)

Then and there, I said..."Something is definately wrong with this picture"

Later that night, I found my way to Sober Recovery, and found my way back to Alanon meetings.

hugs,

For me and my drug addicted son it was a night he turned on my partner of 12years. A bad night that ended in broken windows and my son called me a horrid name. I had put up with this for years. I absolutely refuse to have him live in my home again and decided it is his lifestyle, not mine.

For me and my alcoholic sister it was one day she turned on my mum and told me she had perfect children and I didnt. I had put up with her crap for years too. Something just clicked and I have told her not to call me until she has herself together.
I guess, we all have a tolerance level and mine is when I have given my all to understand and help and I am then slapped in the face.