I don't consider it strong...I just think I am at a point where I won't take it anymore...I couldn't live with a broken heart everyday. I walked away so it can heal :)

This feeling is a big clue, Selah. I'm glad you're paying attention to it. I know about all of the guilty feelings all too well. I had the suicide-threats-through-friends too. At first it made me so sad and worried. Then it made me so mad, because I realized that it was all just carefully orchestration manipulation. He KNOWS this will get back to you.

Still pulling your strings. I'm sure that, down deep, there is much to love about him. But right now he's just doing what addicts do -- doing & saying anything he can to get you back and have things the way he wants them: he doesn't have to try hard, and you are there for him no questions asked. That's his dream world.

Glad you're living in your own world for the moment! Remember, you can still love him from a distance. He has to do this for himself, not because you give him a reason to live. Unless you WANT that kind of pressure for your whole life? So, you have to always stay, for the next 70 years, no matter how abusive he gets or how desperately unhappy you are, because if you don't he'll commit suicide?

Keep pointin' your head, your heart, and your feet toward joy, Selah!!
Hugs
GL

todays tough. real tough. so tough I woke up in tears. I made a list of things to do..go to the mall return this, go visit my friend at work - eat lunch there, chill with my sister, do whatever it takes to stay strong. I never thought I would leave someone I love. What a terrrible arguement b/w my head and my heart.

even worse he finally quit calling. so it changes from " did he take pills" to " Did he even make it home from the show I refused to attend with him" or "did he go home with someone else" man life can really suck some days.

I'll just keep on keepin on...

I am well aware of these kinds of fears and they have put me in a really bad place because they lead me to lower my standards for my life.

I am sure there are a lot of ladies here too that have experienced these kinds of fears and given in to them and ended up miserable.

A good way to look at it if you are going to use "what if" is what if nothing changes would you be happy with him exactly as he is right now? If you can't accept him as he is right now what would make you think if he changed to suit you that you would like him better than you do right now.

What if you let him go and he gets clean and he finds someone else? Does that mean you lost something? Not if you look at it right. How do you know that there is not someone else that is more suited for you? There are so many possibilities. He could also get clean and still want you in his life and you decide you don't want the hassle of wondering when or if he will relapse cause it is a real possibility that he will.

Don't put your life on hold waiting for him to get clean he will or he won't do it and it will be totally up to him. If he gets clean because he is afraid of loosing you he will be able to throw it back on you that you made him change and that my friend is a lossy bag of goods...

(( Selah )) Addicts can manipulate by not calling as much as by calling. Ugh.

By saying I'll just keep keeping on, you are affirming your courage to change and I see your recovery shining. Initially changing can be hard, but I promise as you keep trying, it does get easier.
Feeling torn between loving him and letting go is normal at first. I do understand it's tough as you say. I found going to meetings helped me especially during rough spots.
Take care and know we are always here for you.
:Val004:

I am right there with you! ARGGHHH! I hate that one minute I feel so tough and in control. Knowing that I want more and deserve more. And then... i am desperately wanting to call and just hear his voice. What the H&$#!!!! Oh well, We just keep on. At these times i need my higher power and a BUSY LIFE more than ever!! and today is one of those days. SO.... I am going to the gym! Getting out in the sunshine and keeping my mind and body BUSY!
Good Luck to you!:flame: :Wburn
Cathy