I left, I need the motivation to stay gone.
 

When I opened up my eyes this morning it was like I had been punched in the stomach and the pain caused my eyes to well up in tears. And I know the worst is yet to come...

Everyone kept saying "You'll know when it's time to leave." I felt so confused like I was changing my mind everyday, I was allowing the battle b/w my heart & mind to continue.

Last week my xabf came back from rehab. The last 4 months before he left were so unbearable, I was still working through a whole lot of it. So when he insisted I see him, give him the chance to hear him out, to explain with a clear mind, I gave in.
The minute I saw him, I swear it was like he was glowing from the inside. He has lost weight, been running 7-10 miles a day!, he was speaking clearly, he was focused, he looked me in the eye like he was committed to what he was saying. All of these little things were changing, like cleaning up after dinner, being the one to turn off the light before bed(instead of making me get up), being sweet as pie, taking a shower everyday, caring about his appearance, cuddling me.....this was the guy I remembered and fell in love with. I was overwhelmed with happiness, and it was oh so difficult to stay strong, to hold him responsible for everything that had happened. And frankly in some odd sense I felt as though this was what I needed to "let go" of all the bad stuff, to relax and live just for today...for that day.
There was one day I was folding laundry - I saw him watching me, he said "babe come here" - a minute later I walked over, he just gave me the biggest hug, looked straight in my eyes and said " I will never put you through again what I've put you through. You will never have to worry like you have because you're it for me and I want us to build a life. He said even if I'm having a bad day, if I am struggling, if I buy pills, if I take them, no matter what, I'll tell you. I haven't known myself this well in years...and I know that I couldn't be honest with anyone because I wasn't honest with myself." I believed him because I had never seen that much clarity in him.

Little did I know that very same day or the next day (not sure), he had already bought pills. He was carrying them around with him for days. He had made all these promises of a plan, 90 mtgs in 90 days, weekly drug tests, counseling, and changing his phone number. I was suspiscious that after 3 days of coming home he had not changed his number. But I was fighting those codie habits and wasn't going to ask. Well I asked, and then I kept asking. He claims I was too hard on him and this may have caused him to relapse. Sincerely all I did was repeat my boundaries: If he wasn't going to continue to be proactive against his addiction then I wasn't going to be proactive in building this relationship. I had to have the answers to those questions or I couldn't stay.
We went up north this past weekend, it was beautiful, he was clean, we enjoyed the weather. He hadn't taken anything. But he did decide he was ok to drink, b/c "thats not where his problem lies" I got choked up and left the room the instant I saw that bottle touch his lips. I knew it, I felt it, this was it, he gave in to beer, he was dunzo.
So in the past two days I had noticed little changes, sounds wierd, but it's a tone in his voice and slant to his left eye...everytime. I am just so offended that he thinks we don't recognize the symptoms. The denial he has and is able to perform is absolutely incredible.

So last night when after hours of waiting (I couldn't send him away driving on the road - too messed up) he finally came clean. He was home for day and got those pills, he had been in contact with all three of his drugs dealers, and the lies go on. I feel so awful for his parents, they spent a whole lot on this rehab thinking that 30 days would finally get him the chance to look at his life.

When he came back that was me giving him a chance. 6 days later, 6 damn days later he just up and failed...just like that. I am so angry at him, I didn't care codie or not, I yelled like a wild woman last night, I kicked him, I gave him all of his stuff. I HAVE to be done. I no longer have a choice. The anxiety symptoms I have, the tears, the weight I've lost, the way my heart pounds, the anger that build up, I actually punched him in the arm and felt terrible. I am so angry this didn't work out.

The last words I heard were "Babe, I am so sorry. I wanted to marry you. I love you so much, I wanted nothing else but to live the rest of my life with you. I'm sorry you don't understand addiction and you're leaving me. I'm so sorry."

And I still have to walk away. I have to stay strong to not answer his calls, his emails, his attempts to reconcile.

Today I feel angry, but the real breakdown is coming, I feel it.

Big hugs to you.... Just keep your head up. I'm sorry to say and I dont mean this in a bad way. Stop it now or 20 years from now you will be still be trying to change things. I wished I would have left when the whole pill thing started. And it doesn't get any easier beleive me...
But, It will all be okay.

((((((Selah)))))))

Hugs from one Michigan gal to another !:Val004:

I'm sorry for the disappointment...for the pain...for the anger...for all of the overwhelming emotions that come along with having your hopes dashed yet again by addiction.

I heard the same promises from my exah many times over. And I really think he meant each and every one of them when he made them...even if he had a packet of heroin or a bottle of pills calling to him at the time...I think he genuinely wanted to quit and have the life he dreamed of...one free of addiction. And yet, the pull of addiction was just too strong.

There is nothing you can do or say to help him. Nothing! And compromising your own health, sanity, and well-being won't make things better. You know this in your head...but you have to know it in your heart too.

The question isn't whether you love him. Clearly, you do because you were willing to work thru the pain of the past once he got out of rehab. The true question...is whether you love yourself.
Life with an addict comes with a boatload of pain, lies, uncertainty, false hope, and heartache. You aren't trapped. You can build a better life for yourself. You just gotta love yourself enough to do it. And I believe you do. don't do anything to spite him or teach him a lesson...do it because you deserve some peace and happiness in your life. If you're doing it for YOU...you'll find the strength you need. Promise!!


Sending hugs and strength...

My heart goes out to you - I've been down this path so many times and I know the pain. You are riding out a hurricane and all that you can do is hang on tight. Relapse after clean time has always been the hardest for me.....letting my guard down and feeling slight degrees of hope - just to have it all crushed. It has made me raging mad in the past - and I'm sure would still should it happen again - and that's just normal I believe. At least recovery work has kept me from killing anyone - maybe not corralled all of my feelings but it is a better reaction than I might have had in the past. You knew to post here - you're telling on yourself and expressing yourself so you know you know what to do.....you are shining clearly.

Support and love going out to you - Donna

I think you are doing very well under the circumstances...<<patting you on the back>>. You have noted that he isn't going to change ...he evidently likes the lifestyle he is living and he feels that should be acceptable. I think the most painful part of this process is allowing ourselves to be wheeled in over and over with empty promises that never materialize. We want so bad to beleive it will work itself out but very seldom does. There is nothing worse then hearing I love you and I will never do it again only to watch them go into the bathroom to..umm...do it again! Keep your head up and make the decission that are right for YOU.

Yes. You DO understand addiction. It is destroying him and you as well. If you did not "understand addiction" you would not have left.

I did the same thing.. gave back everything he ever gave me. No reminders. No sudden memories. Less heart ache.

You will be riding the hurricane for sure and you will cry until there are no tears left. Taht is what we do when we lose something we loved.. even if that something was a dream or an expecation of a life with someone we thought we knew and thought we loved.

In the end tho, after the storm, you will be amazed. You will dry your eyes and look up and the sun WILL be shining and you will feel the peace while standing in the light.

I know. I have been there and done that.. and found the light after the storm.

Trust yourself and your HP and you will be OK in the end.

Praying for you to stay strong and weather the storm.. It is OK to cry.

You did the right thing.

You have every right to feel as you do today. It is hard. So, listen carefully to everything your brain has to say. Let it rant, rave and hurl accusations so that can air it all out. As it is talking to you…just stay centered. Remember to calmly give yourself the reasons again why you have moved on now without him. You will see you had no other choice sweetie – not if you and your brain where to survive.

My advice to you today and for the next week is do yourself a favor, do not get yourself involved in any conversations with anyone that has never dealt with an addict. Make a decision today you will not do anything else regarding him for at least one month. Keep yourself busy today. Do not isolate yourself today. A brain with negative energy likes nothing better then to hold you as its captive audience.

Then let nothing, especially your brain stand in your way from being happier now. Make a comeback. Go to those that have sat on the side line while you have been busy with him and renew those relationships. We all have those friends that suddenly disappeared because we were so busy with our addicts.

(((HUGS)))) The way I see it….You did not leave him… He left you. He left you when he went back to the pills. Remember whatever he decides to do now…you should never just throw your life away. Be happy.

thank you guys... he called this morning - unavailable to my work phone of course. all he cared about was where his cell phone was. typical, of course he doesn't remember any of it.

Selah-

I am so so sorry for your pain. Just yesterday I found myself overwhelmed with rage because addiction turns our loved ones into shells of human beings and also poisons us in the process.

I think I've said this before on here, but my abf, in talking with me one night said to me that it's an addict's job to lie. They live lies and can even convince themselves of these lies at times. I look back on so many days, nights when there were promises made, heartfelt, tearful apologies and confessions only to perpetuate the same lies and betrayal over and over again.
I still feel ill thinking about the Saturday morning group meetings we would attend and sit the room full of recovering addicts/alcoholics and their families and he would PRETEND he wasn't using. I look back on it and feel so foolish and anger and betrayal burn deep inside of me.

I am thinking of you today.

I can't say it much better than that. YOU also understand that a "good life" is up to you to live.
You're are one strong gal...
(((Hugs)))
Cece

Oh honey, I'm so sorry and I'm right there with you.

oops...I need to clarify. I did not kick him as incorrectly written above. I meant to say kick him out.

Oh (((Selah))) YOu do what is right for you........I'm sorry you are hurting...

and as for this

I think many of us have done both!

Selah, you can do this. I'm going through the exact same thing, and we need to stay strong. We deserve better, as do our kids we already have or may have in the future. The mind can play tricks on us and somehow only recall the good times, but be sure to remind yourself why you left. Your ex is an ex for a reason - don't lose sight of that!

thank you. thank you. thank you. i am really trying to hold on to my anger for awhile...I feel weaker when I'm sad. B/c I am just so broken, I feel so abused, so used. It's the most awful feeling...

After re-reading your initial post, I have one more thing I need to weigh in on. Perhaps someone else has already touched on this - did you notice how he said "I'm sorry YOU don't understand addiction and YOU're leaving me." See how crafty he was to put the blame on you when its HIS addiction thats the problem?? With that statement, he has accepted no responsibility whatsoever.

There - more to fuel your anger and keep it at the forefront for a while longer...

I am in the same boat as you today. We must remember why we can't be with them. Love has nothing to do with it. Be strong girl. I agree that our minds play tricks and remind us of the good times. thats why we stay so long. It helps me to read my earlier posts and realize that nothing has changed. I think when they apologize and make promises they really mean it. they don't want to lose everything, yet they don't want to quit quite yet either. If they do manage to quit, they question always remains..for how long?? It really help to read posts from women who had thier husbands back for a period of time, then BAM back comes the addiction. You deserve a better life.

prayers for strength to continue. It does get better!
susan

I am trying so hard right now. I hate how messed up my head feels, I feel like an idiot, I feel sick. He has called me at work 5 times. I simply said stop calling I cannot talk to you here and I dont want to talk to me at all.
He keeps saying " you are at fault,you messed with my emotions, you played head games" I dunno how you could not be a caring person and not question yourself. Every thought in the world is crossing my mind, I can't figure out if I did or did not contribute and I guess when you are a codie...you always think there is something less or something more you could've done. This just blows, like it's not bad enough what happened and now i am being blamed.
i am so angry I just wanna tell everyone the truth about him and then of course I'll feel bad AGAIN.

Selah,

It is NOT your fault and him blaming you just mirrors how sick he still is .. He set himself up to fail and now he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. Every thing you have written about the events that took place are such typical behaviors for the addict ... my ex used to behave the same way .. all happy and helpful ... talking about how good he felt without dope .. all the while having a baggie of meth in his wallet ... Even me .. when I was active in my addiction .. I pulled stunts that blow even my own mind today .. when I think back to my antics.. I set myself up to fail so many times it isn't funny ... and I hide it from my loved ones .. as I proclaimed to be clean and happy .. Yeah I was happy .. I had my dope in my pocket waiting to be the pillow under my butt when I decided to fall. My family was happy cause they thought I was clean and I was happy cause I was the star of the show .. shining brightly .. and I had my dope too! Everybody was happy! Addiction is sick sick sick.

Anyhow my suggestion is ..

Simply let him know not to get things twisted .. he screwed up YET again .. and that YOU absolutely refuse to be blamed for it nor will you tolerate him blaming you for HIS DRUG USE. Time for him to grow up and take responsibility for his actions and addiction .. Its his NOT YOURS and he owns it ... gladly drop the bagage in his lap and let him carry the weight of his OWN choices.

You and I both know there isn't anything you did or didn't do that caused him to use .. He is an addict therefore he did what addicts do and that is "get high". He would have done it no matter what .. he had already planned his fall .. it was premeditated all the evidence points to the truth

As painful as this feels right now .. You can get through this .. You will be fine if you focus on taking care of you ... You cannot help what he does .. You cannot change what he does .. the only person you can help is you .. and right now you need some self inflicted TLC ... Be good to yourself ... go somewhere that you enjoy being .. and do something that you enjoy doing .. something that has nothing to do with him and your identity together .. SOMETHING just for "SELAH" be it a movie, or to browse the barnes and noble bookstore, a hot bubble bath or whatever floats your boat ... Maybe hook up with a gf and have girls night out .. just put him on the back burner for a while and think about YOU. Have an "all about you day" :) After all, you deserve it don'tcha? Believe me .. all that addiction crap will be there when all is said and done ..So why not "call a time out" and enjoy a lil vacation day ONE THAT REVOLVES AROUND YOU...

Relish how wonderful it is to NOT have to deal with him and his issues for a day .. bask in how good it feels to pamper yourself and meet your needs for a change...

******{Hugs}}}}}
Passion