Starting To Feel Bad For My AS
 

My AS has been back in jail 2 wks & 2 days. He cannot call me since I have a collect block on my phone. He had relatives of fellow inmates call my parents & he has written my parents letters & I have stayed strong. I have told my mom not to take the phone calls & even when she tries to read me the letters he has written I tell her please don't I don't want to know anything about whats going on in his life.................it hurts too much. Since he has been in he also keeps calling his brother. My SS took his first phone call but has refused all others but AS keeps calling him, up to 9 times in a row. He tried to call him again tonite then SS called me to ask what he should do. I told him not to take his phone calls. Then my SS says AS is saying " Please Bro, pick up " All of a sudden I found myself feeling bad for him.
Up till now I have been really angry with my AS but I still love him very much & am starting to think how he must feel all alone in jail & noone in his family will even talk to him.
Help!!!
Diane

He is a 40yr old man, he has created this circumstance, he has done everything in his power to get where he is. He has a roof over his head, three squares and lots of people to talk to, he will be fine. Time to face the music, if you all stick together he may finally understand his addiction and his behavior is not acceptable, and will not be tolerated.

If he were 18, I would feel differently, but at 40, it's now or never, he is a middle aged man, behaving like an 18 yr old kid. Different age, different rules.

To me, now is not the time to be wishy washy, stick to your guns, for him, not you.

I do not mean to sound harsh, I know how difficult this is, but, this may be his last chance to turn his life around, give him that chance.

All said with love,

Dolly

I'm just sending a hug because I know how hard all this is.

Dolly's right, left alone he may make better choices.

Your son is in my prayers.

Diane, I believe you are doing the right thing. I would guess that it is unconfortable for you, but you know "if nothing changes". Hang in there...you know what has to happen.:hug:

I know that it's hard to not pick up those calls, especially when they start to sound so desperate...but, you have your boundaries, and only you can either enforce them or readjust them. I agree with the others that time alone may just be the best thing for your son, but I also understand that you love him and it's hard.

If you want to readjust your boundaries, maybe you could start small, by sending him a letter (with maybe some NA literature enclosed, tee hee.) You can tell him what you want to without having to pay a fortune in collect calls to do it, and without interruption. Sending a letter doesn't mean you have to give money, accept collect calls, or go to visits. It can simply mean "I love you, I support any good decisions you make, and wish you only the best."

Hang in there Diane. I've learned sometimes when we "let go" they seem to "get up and go". I have you in my thoughts and prayers.
susan

Diane,
It's so hard to do what you are doing. I don't know if I would be as strong as you.
Just maybe he will realize what he is losing now.

Keep us posted. You are both in my prayers..........Lois

It is one of the most difficult things to do - not taking the phone calls. I've done it both ways and find that there isn't an easy answer. Just do what you belive is best and stick to it. My son is an older addict, too. We don't love them any less. It's very hard to watch such wasted lives. I did find that the times my son was incarcerated, I would up worrying less after the initial shock. I knew there was nothing I could do and actually found some peace in that because as long as there was a way to "help", I'd be there.

I hope you find peace during the storm.
I care. Washbe

Diane,
Having both of my sons in prison at one time or another, I know how hard this is for you.

I am surprised he hasn't written you a letter.

The bottom line is do what YOU feel comfortable doing. If you feel okay writing him a letter, do so. Chances are he's nice and sober right now, and he may be able to hear what you're saying.

Hugs,

You might try getting to an open AA meeting - or see if there is an AA speaker meeting this week. Listening to those guys share about what it took to get them sober is INCREDIBLY good for my hope.

Plus, it only takes one or two of them to say how grateful they are to the woman or mother who finally said "no" and meant it... that helps me.

(((hugs)))

Hey Rozied,
You know that you and I are in the same boat.
I know your pain, I know the bleating of the addict for his momma. It's pitiful, and it tears our hearts out.
As a parent who loves our son, the pain of their suffering causes us twice the pain. But, without their going through the consequenses of their own actions, how will they ever learn to stop doing it? And, if we continue to enable, then the pain continues and never stops for us and our child.
As I write, I am talking to myself too, Rozied.
You are being strong, and you are doing the right thing. He will eventually get the message and stop calling. He'll settle into the life he made and he'll live with it. Then, one day he will get out. And with any luck and sense he'll wonder if that's what he wants for the rest of his life.
Keep the faith, lean on God. Things get better. I have been through the jail things with my youngest non addicted son for 9 years now. I hardly know him since he was 17 because all but 1.5 years of this time he's been in jail.
Now the older is in jail because of drugging.
I have all my children in jail Rozied. But, God is helping me through this. I actually have many good days with peace in my heart about the whole mess.
You will too. It will come to you.
Take care my friend.

Diane, Sending hugs...I think you know what works for you, so trust yourself. There is lots of great expereince and hope in the responses you received. I know this is very hard for you and for your SS too...Those desperate calls are tough and it is sad to hear them pleading. I personally like the idea of a letter...I think for me..if I was in that situation, writing one would be comforting to me because I'd think it would be comforting to my kid. But that is just me...we all are different and htere is no magic answer. Hugs and prayers

I like the sound of a letter also.

Take care of yourself.

((((rozied)))) i know how you hurt.my son has done the same things,leaving the messages.it makes you feel ready bad sometimes.this is part of their consequences.it could also make me madder than heck that he would call & call up to 50 times a day knowing i was not going to answer.,almost like he was punishing me.they have time on their hands & my son just stays on the phone calling whoever.turn him back over to your H.P. maybe this will be the time he learns his lesson.i am saying a prayer for you & him both.

((((((((((Rozied))))))))))))http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...uestrength.gif

Sending you love, hugs, prayers, and lots o' support tonight, Diane.
I know how your feeling too. When my son was in jail, it tore my heart out
everytime the phone would ring and he would be yelling into the phone...
"Please let me talk to you for a minute, mom. Please."
I eventually would hang up as soon as the recording from the jail would start.
He stopped calling, but I started visiting. lol
He started playing cards, reading, and yes, he did fit in. He got use to it, and even admitted that if he weren't in jail, he'd be out using.
That is what kept me strong. He stayed there for 6 months, even though I could have bonded him out. I learned my lesson from that too. lol
It's tough, but your tougher. You can get through this and so will he.
He still has a chance at sobriety. He has to make that decision, though.
It'll be easier to make if he knows what the consequences will be if he has to do time again. I pray he gets it this time.
Loving hugs and prayers for you, too.
From one mom to another, with love,
Linda
http://i81.photobucket.com/albums/j2...rsweetlove.gif

What wonderful support + suggestions here. I like the idea of writing a letter and maybe he'll write ya back and a dialogue can start that way. He is in a place to learn some lessons that he wasn't able to learn before. hopefully, he'll get it now.
I am so sorry you have to go through this for so many yrs. There is always hope. Sometimes when they're in jail it is the only time we can relate to them, because they're sober.

I cannot possible thank you ALL enough for this hugh show of support. They say if you have 1 true friend you are blessed................OH MY Goodness I had 14 responses............I am tearing up & feel so full of graditude. Thank you each & everyone.
I agree as to the letter, in fact I did write him one & mailed about 2 days ago. In it I told him I cannot deal with any of this anymore as it hurts too much. I also told him that if money could have helped him he would be fine by now but how can anyone help someone who is hell bent on destroying themselves & no matter how much help he gets he keeps throwing himself under the bus. I told him the only way he can get help is to help himself. Until he does I told him I cannot have a relationship with him. That is how I feel right now. Yes it is hard especially last nite when he was begging his brother to pick the phone up. BUT then my SS called & said he had 2nd thoughts & was about to answer the phone when AS started threatening him. SS was FURIOUS & DID NOT ANSWER. Said Mom after all he has done to hurt me now he is threatening me. AS has used SS's identity a few times with drivers license & SS took an 18 month suspension cuz of his brother plus tons of other abuse over the yrs. He said let him sit in jail now all alone & think how he has hurt everyone in our family. Today SS is putting collect block on his phone or changing the number to a non published one.
So far I haven't recieved any letters. He cannot call me cuz of collect block but he hasn't even had someone else call me. I guess hes mad at me!!!
Then last nite about 11pm I saw a message on my answering machine. It was my ex saying he wanted to know how things were going & he'd call another time! Just what I DON'T NEED. I deleted it & did not tell my husband. I would like to change my number but hubby's family had it for 50 yrs & he doesn't want to change it & by gosh why should he, he is an innocent by stander in all this drama. I think I will get caller id. My hubby is not feeling good from all this stress & doesn't need to know that dead beat called again. We have enough going on with SS's problems. Hubby is tired from helping me watch SS's 2 little ones & we have had to help him financially since his unemployment stopped & he has gone bk to wk. Babysitting is 3 nites a wk from Fri to Sun then we have them till Monday. He wks from 6pm till 5am so the boys stay with us. Then he goes to school Tuesdays & Thursdays from 6-9pm & we watch them again. It is alot at our age.
My carpal tunnel is acting up & I have to go get the 5 yr old to th bus. Talk to you all later.
Love & Hugh Hugs To You All,
Diane

PS The whole family totally turning their backs is the ONE thing that hasn't been tried. The last time he was in he got a taste of it as my parents did not go visit or send any money. I did help him get a tv last time & I think I was sending him a $20 money order once a month.... all the other times my mom made sure he had whatever he said he needed & sent him enough money to live comfortably. I did not visit for 7 months so he has gotten a small taste of really having none of his family & because of that he did do better than he has ever done in the 6 yrs since this jail thing started. This time he manged to stay out 9 months which is the longest he has been free in 6 yrs. So cutting him 100% loose is the ONLY thing left to do & I am doing it & I really think my parents are also.

Hey girl.. coming in late on this.. just lending support and hugs to you. You know I am here if you need a friend!

I have nothing really to add.. it sounds like the whole family is doing tough love and that has never happened before to your AS. It will certainly save your sanity (and yoru family's sanity) and it may even provide your AS a chance to save his own!

I like the letter thing. He can write back if he wants to. The phone is so easy.... best to not answer it. Caller ID is a good investment.

You are doing great. ((((Diane))))

Know it's hard for you , an your hurting. Your letter was great letting him know you still love him, but not what he does. Want you to know also that your an inspiration to me, I hope someday I can be as strong for my child as your being for yours.

Elana, & Lost Thanks so much.........heck I am sure trying.
Lost I am sorry but I don't remember how old your loved one is or how long the addiction is going on but I don't think you giv yourself enough credit. If your loved one was 40 & had been addicted for 20 looong yrs I bet you could be as strong.................and you know its not even being strong. We have TRIED everything else. If money and or love could save an addict he would be fine right now. It is no matter how everyone has tried to help him he just goes back to the drugs & the dark lifestyle....................finally the whole family has had enough. I know this sounds really harsh but its not. I lost my step-son it will be 4 yrs Nov 21st. He was killed in a horrific car accident. For the 1st 2 yrs we were frozen as my 5yr old grandson says BUT eventually you start living life again. We can finally talk about him & although we miss him terribly everyday we have had to accept he is gone. It is worse having a son like my AS because the pain & misery never end. They just go on & on yr after yr. I am to the point where if his HP does not heal him I would rather He takes him at least that way we would all have some peace. I cannot believe I even typed that. I get all knotted up inside even saying it but it is just about true. My AS is suffering, we are suffering & it just doesn't stop.
I must be strong for my AS. As Dollydo has posted he is 40 & he must turn his life around now. His luck cannot hold out forever. We tried everything else & nothing wks so cutting him loose is the only thing left to do. I liked so much what everyone told me. Susan said when we let go they usually get up & go & she is right.

((((Rozied))))
I am so proud of you.
What you are doing is difficult to say the least.
Its OK to feel sorry for him...most would, but just as you said, this is what now needs to be done....and you should be proud to have the strength and courage to step in and facilitate change
Maybe this would be a good time to suggest to your SS to find an alternative babysitter, just for a few days, and you and your hubby take a road trip.
Nothing extravagant, just time away from phones and kids and all else.
You guys have been the helpers for quite a while...its your turn
Just a thought
((((hugs))))
Cece

you're doing the best you can with a tough situation. blessings, k

Thans CeCe & Parentrecovers, It would be great to go way with my hubby for a few days. I'll have to see what can be arranged.
Love,
Diane

No words of wisdom, just sending my love and support. I think the letter was a great idea. Definitely try to get away. It sounds like you need you time.

I told my daughter this morning if love could fix things, they would be fixed. She has to do the rest, I have done all I can.

prayers for you
susan

Dear Susan, It is so obvious once you see it I get angry it took me so long. Truth is I saw it yrs ago & if not for my parents enabling I am sure this would have been stopped yrs ago. When a family member is using drugs or gambling to the point of addiction the only thing to do is cut them loose to fully live the consequences of their actions. Not many who had a decent life growing up stay in that life once the support of the family is withdrawn.
It is up to us to stay strong no matter what happens to them as that is the only way they will ever choose sobriety.
You are doing great. I firmly believe that is the only way our kids will ever get well.
Love,
Diane
PS I told my son in a letter that no matter what was done for him he kept throwing himself under the bus so now it is 100% up to him. I still have an occasional moment when I feel bad for him but not often. He may have hurt himself but he has also hurt our family so very much.

Roz,


The tenacles of addiction effect everyone they come into contact with.

Addicts are so self centered, so singular in their thinking. My ex-abf to the end proclaimed "I am only hurting myself", he never got it and never will. Sad.

You are doing real good, your should be proud of yourself, I know that I am proud of you!

Yes girl friend, you need a vacation with Hubby! Southwest is having fare sales all the time and there are so many great places to see (if you don't have the time to drive).

You ever been to the Mountains of Tennessee in the fall? Wonderful (if you want to drive) or Acadia National Park in Maine in Late September? No place like it! If you love the Beach, North Carolina in October is wonderful (not during a hurricane!).

And the west.. the last week in August is about "it" for Glacier National Park... and the Tetons and Yellowstone are always wonderful. Arkansas has wonderful parks and don't forget Texas! New Mexico in October is wonderful from one end to the other....

and if you want to be closer to home, the Adirondacks in NY or the Poconos in PA are likewise really nice!

(Now, doesn't this make you just WANT to go?) :)