MY AH went straight for the money situation, too. I was fortunate he was out of the country for some weeks and I was able to move things around to protect myself. Since he moved out he has gone through a HUGE amount of community finances - so much so I figure he has hidden it in accounts somewhere. I had to get the court to freeze all our accounts and they gave me control over everything still there (even the ones with just his name).

I used to say "I never thought he'd do that" about so many things, especially money. Both AH and I were extreme savers and he was never irresponsible with the coin. He has gone beserk and now there isn't anything I don't expect he would or would not do.

Protect yourself as best you can. Knowing what I know now, I'd separate the funds.

***i should add we have 2 businesses and most of our funds were in the corporate accounts that we both had access to. we had separate personal savings and checking accounts. i always think that's a good idea.

I had always maintained separate accounts from M, (I got burned by joint accounts in my 1st marriage). In my particular case, if M had access to my accounts, it would have been long gone.

All too familiar.....
 

Same scene, different couple! I KNOW how hard it is to not get sucked into baited arguments or to succumb to their mind-boggling, endless list of guilt trips. My husband does all of these to me.

I believe he's spying on you for a couple of reasons (but then, only he REALLY knows why)....he senses your detachment and he's clinging to anyway he can think of to get you back where you were (fawning and worrying over him and consuming yourself with his disease)....he cannot believe that you just cannot accept how he's been and how he's treating you, so he's thinking there MUST be an affair or some other sordid reason for your detachment, so he's trying to find it....and last - CONTROL. He cannot control himself, but he had been successful in controlling you and your marriage.

I agree with what the others have said. Get your own bank account! He won't like it b/c he won't have control over it (but then, you don't HAVE to tell him you've gotten a new account), but you need to cover yourself incase he does drain all of the money like you fear (that would allow him yet another way of controlling you). Get a safe-depost box to lock up valuables and important documents and keep copies of extra checks and things like that at your mom's house (or someone else you really, really trust).

You have my admiration for being so strong...you are doing this for YOU b/c you deserve it...I know how hard it is!

Lost--- I would definitely begin splitting the finances. I shared a joint account with my XAH and was the sole bill payer just like you. It was always one of my greatest fears that he would drain the account, etc. Once his name was removed from the account, we still had outstanding bills to pay from the apartment we recently left. He was to pay me 1/2 in cash. I have yet to see the money, but am not worried about it. I was supposed to pay a few credit card debts and I'm just deducting the money he owes me from the amount I owe to these cards.

You CAN get burned though and it is best as the poster above said to safeguard yourself and your own security. Best of luck and keep up the great work!

I'm sure you thought of this... but are those cards joint?

I'd like to add to this - even if you are only an authorized signer on someone else's card - or vice versa, your credit report reflects that and anything negative on their use of the card will reflect on your credit. So make sure if you are an authorized signer only, you get removed from credit cards in someone else's name.

Are you sure about this Denny? Just having a card on someone else's account will cause that card to be reported on your credit? So if your college kid had an "emergency" card on your account, it would show up on HIS credit report?

If the kid is over 18, depending on theissuing credit card company, yes it can.
Sometimes it doesnt, but they card company will tell you, it may or may not.

Yes, it will show as "authorized signer" on your credit report (if that is what you are). If they stop paying their credit card and get in arrears it will appear on your report.