AH hijacked my e mail account

Old 07-26-2006, 07:49 PM
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AH hijacked my e mail account

I found out tonight that AH has been reading my e mails. He left a printout on the kitchen counter of an e mail that I sent my mom a couple weeks ago, where I spilled my guts about what was going on with AH. Her response was at the top. There was really not much in it that I haven't already said to him, but he took great offense at my mom's response. She compared him to her ex ( non A) and he didn't like that.

I think I should be really angry that he snooped in my e mails, but honestly I feel nothing. I have nothing to hide. I think he was snooping trying to catch me in something, because he has been accusing me of having an affair for months. (which I'm not and never have) There really isn't anything to hide in my account, but I do feel violated that he did this.

He wasn't home when I saw the printout, and right after that I left for Al Anon meeting. When I got home he had been drinking ( but claimed he hadn't....like I can't tell after 8 years) He wanted to rant and rave that I "did that to him" while totally ignoring the fact that he read my private e mails.

He started again about how he is never #1 in my life. What do I want etc etc. I told him I'm trying to work on myself right now to try to figure out what I want. He says I never tried to help him and now...all of a sudden...he says he doesn't want to drink anymore and I won't help him. I told him I can't help him, he has to help himself. I can only work on me. (I'm trying really hard to practice detachment right now) So he's playing the "I need you to help me" card. Now that he needs me I'm "abandoning " him.

And "all those people" are filling my head with crap and twisting my thinking and polluting my mind at Al Anon.

I didn't do very well at boundary setting, because I didn't want to discuss any of this after he had been drinking, but he kept sucking me in. I'll keep working on that.
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Old 07-26-2006, 08:02 PM
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He wanted to rant and rave that I "did that to him" while totally ignoring the fact that he read my private e mails
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. Him ranting on is his attempt to put the focus on you and off of HIS violation of YOUR privacy and it also justifies his reason for being drunk. Oh lost!!! I've been through it too. An A will find just about anything to turn back onto you as a justification for his/her own bad behavior- even make things up like his idea of you cheating. My ex thought I was cheating all the time and I never did and never would have! I would be really upset about it if I were you, but I can understand how blowing up about it will really not do much good.

As far as the arguing goes...once I learned not to take the bait from my XAH, it did make life around the house much easier. Bantering back and forth will really do no good. That's what he wants you to do. If you do not participate the way he expects you to (ie- just ignoring him), he'll have to change his behavior with you. It really used to stump my XAH.

My XAH also used the "I'm ready to change NOW and now you are not supporting me" all the time. I quietly sat back and waited for this so-called "change," but it never happened (as I suspected). Those are only words honey. It is a form of manipulation aimed at making you feel false guilt. Please don't fall for that. When he truly is ready, he WILL quit on his own and he won't need to broadcast his intentions to you or anyone else.
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Old 07-26-2006, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by lostnotfound
I didn't do very well at boundary setting, because I didn't want to discuss any of this after he had been drinking, but he kept sucking me in. I'll keep working on that.
It's progress, not perfection LNF. You're doing great. Keep going to those meetings and getting your mind polluted! I know it's hard, but be strong.
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Old 07-26-2006, 08:26 PM
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same old same old

Hi lostnotfound!

<<And "all those people" are filling my head with crap and twisting my thinking and polluting my mind at Al Anon.>>

This is just like what my ex-ah said when I told him I wanted a divorce. I was making it "all about his drinking" and "getting everyone's sympathy" but I "wasn't telling the truth about the situation". What he thought the truth was, I don't know.

I actually got to the point where I had said everything I had to say and then I just wanted him to leave. Then I was accused of "not talking or sharing feelings". I had been sharing for years - sharing the fact that his drinking was going to destroy our marriage. Apparently he wasn't listening until suddenly he was losing his family. Then he couldn't understand why I wasn't talking. And he said I was abandoning him just like yours is saying. And then there was the high-and-mighty "Is there anything you want to tell me?" implying I was having an affair. What crap.
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Old 07-26-2006, 09:42 PM
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Boy you just brought back some bad memories. I can remember when I first found out that my exAH had been checking my email behind my back. I walked in on him one day and he had my email account up and was reading my email! I didn't know whether to be pissed or laugh my ass off about it. I really thought it was funny because he was looking for something that wasn't there. He also just "knew" something was going on behind his back. They are very paranoid. I guess it's part of their disease. I took pride in the fact that there was nothing to find out.

What's really funny is as this disease progressed and things got much worse in our home, I found out he was talking to other women on his cell phone (surprise surprise) and I pulled his cell phone records and when he found out I did this, I thought he were literally going to kill me! So it was okay for him to check my email behind my back, but the fact that I was checking his records was a whole different story. SICK, SICK SICK! We were just both so sick! Thank heavens for Alanon. It saved my life!

You keep going to your meetings and I hope you have as great a sponsor as I do to share these kinds of things with, as she helps me to see things as they really are and not the way the alcoholic likes to try to force me to see them, which is usually very distorted. You keep going to your meetings and hang in there. Remember not to put up with the unacceptable behavior and try to set some boundaries with him. Yes, he will get upset, because his little world will start to close on him. Maybe he'll get some help too!
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Old 07-27-2006, 12:47 AM
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Originally Posted by lostnotfound
he says he doesn't want to drink anymore and I won't help him. I told him I can't help him, he has to help himself. I can only work on me. (I'm trying really hard to practice detachment right now) So he's playing the "I need you to help me" card. Now that he needs me I'm "abandoning " him.

And "all those people" are filling my head with crap and twisting my thinking and polluting my mind at Al Anon.

God, this sounds familiar!!

Usually when he wanted me to make appointments at the doctors for him (so he could not turn up again!) or make him some food because he was too drunk and lazy to make it himself, or when he was so drunk he was slurring his speech, was in a depressed "woe me" mood and wanted to talk about his "drinking problem" at 3am!

He's just trying to manipulate you, he's a grown man who can help himself if he really wants to!

My ABF put a keylogger on the pc to find out what site I had visited because I had made an avatar and mistakenly left it on the pc..."what site is the avatar for?!" - because I didn't want to tell him he put a keylogger on the pc and thought I was "messing around" on him...of course I wasn't and never have, so when I found the keylogger via a spyware scan, I found it pretty funny that he would go to such extremes because his paranoia was so bad....my paranoia is awful but I have reasons, he's never had a reason not to trust me...

My ABF thinks I should "help" him too...buy his booze, make his food, make doctors appointments...no chance.

The only thing I do for him is buy his food when I do the grocery shopping...

It doesn't matter to him that you're trying to work on yourself, because through his alcoholic fog, he's the most important, what he wants and needs are more important that what you want and need...of course you should help him!! :p Thats what you're there for!!

I've been told a few times that this site "fills my head with bull" and I "shouldnt take notice of everything I read on there"

I guess he doesn't like me being informed, trying to help myself, not running around after him like a lap dog all the time...changing his comfort zone!

And when things don't go there way, they verbally lash out...and it's your life too, of course you have the right to speak to your mother about whatever you like...my abf doesn't like people thinking badly of him either...
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Old 07-27-2006, 03:44 AM
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Wow, it's always the same script isn't it?
What problem? (denial)
It's all your fault. (deflection)
Are you having an affair? (denial/deflection)
Whay are YOU abandoning me? (pitty pot)
I can't do this with out you! (no accountability)
(start again at square one and repeat cycle)

It's all so predictable....
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Old 07-27-2006, 05:29 AM
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Dear lostnotfound,

Sounds liike you did a pretty decent job! Would giving him one of the Alanon books (One day at a Time...) to read help? Maybe he can see that it's you you are talking about at the meetings and not him. (A's think they are the only thing we talk about. I think it shocked and confused my A when I told him I was working on me).
No wonder he's threatened. You're getting healthier!!!
If there are conversations you truly want to keep private, invite your mom to SR and teacher her how to use the private messenging.
I know I'd be p-oed if he read my stuff.
Keep up the good work.
best wishes,
Reikihelps
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Old 07-27-2006, 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted by lostnotfound
I told him I'm trying to work on myself right now to try to figure out what I want...he says he doesn't want to drink anymore and I won't help him. I told him I can't help him, he has to help himself. I can only work on me. (I'm trying really hard to practice detachment right now)
It sounds like you did a fantastic job here!
Keep coming back.
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Old 07-27-2006, 06:20 AM
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Originally Posted by reikihelps
Would giving him one of the Alanon books (One day at a Time...) to read help? Maybe he can see that it's you you are talking about at the meetings and not him. (A's think they are the only thing we talk about. I think it shocked and confused my A when I told him I was working on me).

I don't think he would read it. I have told him that the focus of the meetings is on ourselves, but I don' think he gets it.

I changed my passwords to something I don't think he'll figure out.

He started again this am....why am I abandoning him? He needs my help..thought we were a team...those people are brainwashing you....I'm the only thing he has...he's tried to make me happy...what about aour marriage...why can't we work on that

I told him that it isn't his job to make me happy, and it's not my job to make him happy. I can't work on our marriage right now, because I have to work on myself first. He needs to work on HIMSELf before we can both work on our marriage. I can't fix him and I can't help him. he has to do it himself. I told him I don't want him to change for me, I don't want him to do any of this for me. i want him to do it for himself. If he decideds to change, it can't be my responsibility, that's too big a burden for me to bear. I feel bad that he is hurting ( there were tears...which is new for him). I wish I COULD do something for him, but I can't.


Thanks everyone for your encouragement.
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Old 07-27-2006, 06:26 AM
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He started again this am....why am I abandoning him? He needs my help..thought we were a team...those people are brainwashing you....I'm the only thing he has...he's tried to make me happy...what about aour marriage...why can't we work on that

I told him that it isn't his job to make me happy, and it's not my job to make him happy. I can't work on our marriage right now, because I have to work on myself first. He needs to work on HIMSELf before we can both work on our marriage. I can't fix him and I can't help him. he has to do it himself. I told him I don't want him to change for me, I don't want him to do any of this for me. i want him to do it for himself. If he decideds to change, it can't be my responsibility, that's too big a burden for me to bear. I feel bad that he is hurting ( there were tears...which is new for him). I wish I COULD do something for him, but I can't
I think I wrote/said/thought/cried those exact same words.

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Old 07-27-2006, 06:40 AM
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Wow... quick study. Good job Lost!
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Old 07-27-2006, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by lostnotfound
I feel bad that he is hurting ( there were tears...which is new for him).
This is called manipulation.

He can sense that something has changed...in you! And he is doing everything he can to make you lose your newfound sense of self respect and serenity so...things can go right back to the way they were. As Dr. Phil says: he may "raise the price of poker". He might pull more tricks that you haven't seen from him before, in an effort to drag you down into the disease again.

Stand firm.

Remember, in the long run, your strength and willlingness to work for your own peace of mind will be the best thing possible for him.
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Old 07-28-2006, 12:13 AM
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Lost you are doing a great job with this!! Best of luck.

And Wantsout-- I swear our guys could be the same dude. Your posts about him never cease to amaze me!! Sooooo predictable as Jazz said.
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Old 07-28-2006, 04:51 AM
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I can't fix him and I can't help him. he has to do it himself. I told him I don't want him to change for me, I don't want him to do any of this for me. i want him to do it for himself. If he decideds to change, it can't be my responsibility, that's too big a burden for me to bear.
Awesome, Lostnotfound!!! Took me five years to begin to "get" this. You're doing a great job. You could invite him to come and listen at a meeting. You say you wish you could do something for him. You are!!!! You are taking care of you, your part of it all. That's all you can do. Maybe now you are lost[B]and[B]found instead of lostnotfound!
best wishes
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted by reikihelps
Maybe now you are lost[B]and[B]found instead of lostnotfound!
best wishes
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Thank you. I don't think I'm quite there yet, but I'm working on it.

I am finding out that he is "spying on me" and it's really bothering me. I never thought he would do this. Yesterday he sent me an e mail questioning our bank account. ( He NEVER sends e mails, so just for him to do that was out of character ) I have always taken care of our finances since we got married. I do a good job...we both have excellent credit and are way better off financially than when we got married. We're not rich by any means, but have a little bit of money saved. Now he's questioning this or that transaction and I'm starting to get really paranoid that he will clear out the savings account.
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:45 AM
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Ask him straight out what he's looking for. Offer to have an account for yourself only and give him what he contributed. Let him be responsible for his money and you yours. I know it sucks to do this, but he is, after all pushing the ticket.

He's trying to find a way to get to you, and it seems as if he may have found one. You've done nothing wrong, throw it back in his court and let it end there.

He's trying to "get you" on something, after all he is taking your recovery as a personal attack on him, which it's not, so it only stands to reason he is looking for something on you, to show you that you're not perfect either (which I think you already know, none of us are perfect). Don't let this throw you LNF, this is very typical of the alcoholic mind set, at least in my experience.
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:55 AM
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I sent him an e mail yesterday, explaining the transactions that I thought he was questioning. I don't doubt that there were a couple that looked odd, because I made a large transfer online, but realized I needed to do something different, so I transfered most of the money back to savings.

I also told him in the e mail that if he was going to be suspicious of everything I was doing with the finances, that we could just split the savings now and have seperate accounts. He has always handed his paycheck to me and I deposited into one of our joint accounts. I pay all the bills from these accounts. He gets paid either today or monday and I am afraid he will refuse to contribute and I will be stuck trying to pay all the bills myself.
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:58 AM
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Well try not to worry about what might happen. Stay in today, one day at a time and all of that. My gut feeling is he will still give you his paycheck now that you have pushed back and stood your ground.

If you are stuck paying the bills, then you are. Keep good and diligent records in case you need them for the future.

Don't get stuck on what "might" happen, deal with what "is" happening.
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Old 07-28-2006, 05:58 AM
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Been there done that.
Pissed me off royally.

Ive also heard Im not perfect, you dont love me, I need you, I cant do this without you, if you leave-why would I stop drinking, I am going to kill myself....on and on.

Hes offended that you are switching the "rules" on him.
Keep on working at this..yourself that is!

Progress not perfection!
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