Change the locks?
 

Hi friends! How are you? I need some advice, can you all pretend you don't know me and treat me as a newby?


G's been staying here. three weeks ago, he got a job and has since gotten three paychecks. So far, I've gotten a tank of gas and a carton of cigs. Let me...ahem...justify. The first week, he check was tiny....got paid on friday, gone by sunday (that's funny, that's the check I actually got money out of).

The second check (a full 40 hours), gone by Saturday...at 7:00 I drove past his drunk @$$ and picked him up (he was on his way to my house). I should have let him walk b/c even after I said THREE times that I didn't want to argue, we argued. He said (under his breath), I should just pack my sh!t and leave. I calmly asked him if he needed a ride and suddenly I'm the bad guy wanting him to leave. You know I had to tell him that that wasn't what I was saying and I HAD to try to clarify it to him....b/c now I'm feeling guilty. Anyway, huge fight. My stupidity for getting pulled in.

The third check, gone by Saturday AGAIN. I calmly asked if he got things accomplished (since he owes so many bad checks), he told me he did. I calmly said, "well, at least you got things accomplished."

Every Friday, he just goes away. I don't hear a word from him. Twice now he's come back at 1:30-3:30 in the morning. I'm pissed. He's eating my food, using my shower....gosh, there is so much. I'm ok. I'm not absorbed by all this crap like I use to be, but I can actually see him working me....know what I mean. He plays games with me. Truth is, I'm not strong enough to call his bluff. I still deal with the guilt he throws back at me....and it sucks me up. I am addressing this with my counselor.

I'm cautious with what I say to him b/c I don't want to put myself in a situation where I will feel guilty. I'm letting him burn his own bridge and keeping myself out of guilts way. Hoping that one day.....I will be strong enough to say "ENOUGH".

So my question is this.....Would you change the locks? So when he comes home tonight, he can't get in?

Jess, is he welcome to stay with you? If you change the locks, what are you hoping to accomplish?

To me it seems as if you're trying to make a point to him without the words. Sorry, it appears to me at least, a game you're playing. Sort of like testing yourself and him. Whatever it is, it's your choice and no to answer your question, why bother changing the locks? I don't get it.

What you're doing Jess confuses the heck out of me, I'm not criticizing it, but it makes no sense to me, at least with the details you've given.

I should probably add that I've been spending a lot more time with my kids. I bought us (me and kids) passed to Paramount Kings Island (we've gone twice two weeks) and last night we went to see "Over the Hedge".

Me and my daughter had a mommy and manda day. I got her ears pierced. and my son and I went to WWE.

You know.....I thought the exact same thing write before I posted this. I'm angry and I do want to make a point. And I agree, that would be playing a game....Which I'm really really trying hard to take myself out of that equation. Guess I'm having a hard time tell him what I really want to. It won't do any good anyway.....lol I already know that.

I don't know how to explain what is going on. But I know that I'm doing what I need to do. I asked my HP to give me the strength to do His will, I have to believe that I'm on this path for a reason. And I also know that I have a lot of unanswered questions and I'm hoping this experience will help me. I believe it already is.

He!! yes! As long as you don't give him a key... ever. I'm sorry. Who am I to say? My AH and I are still under the same roof but I'm confused... what exactly are you getting from this situation? I went back and read some of the threads you've started in the past to try to understand and I must be missing something?

Hiya Jesica:Val004: Pet, i'm very worried about your situation. I've read your posts and you sound like a strong beautiful lady. Why has it come to this!! G has his problems which you absolutely have no control over! As for your question regarding changing the locks, why should you spend your hard earned cash to keep him out? It seems to me that he is already in! Please look into your heart. You're unhappy and scared, and fed up with the whole thing. Look at the way you made that driveway by yourself, and you were so proud of yourself! Change the locks, by all means, if that makes you secure against him,physically, but what happens after that? Take care, God blessX

Jess - Boundaries girl - where are they??? Set some firmly in place then if need be change the locks. You have done well so far just stay strong for you and your kids ok. It sounds like to me he is definitely pushing all of your buttons. Hugs to you.

Janet

I don't think he's pushing buttons at all, he's taking advantage of a very good situation, at least from his point of view.

He works, he spends his entire check in 3 days or less, he goes out and gets drunk when he wants, he has someone to wash his clothes, cook for him, drive him around and making sure his obligations are being taken care of. How is that pushing Jess' buttons? He's got it made and he knows it.

So changing the locks will **** him off ... but nothing will change. IMO, Jessica is changing the locks to create a stand off of sorts. She is taking a bad situation to the next level.

I still didn't read if he was welcome to stay or not? Did you ask him back Jess?

...... and Jess I do not believe your HP is guiding you along in this direction, I believe you want this so badly and you have managed to convince yourself that your HP wants you to suffer through this. I believe the enabler in you is guiding you along this path and in this direction and you are validating it by saying your HP is guiding you. Just my measly .02 cents!

What is your guilt over and what would justify enough?

That is really the question. It all comes down to saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If you change the locks, does that mean you are kicking him out? Because if it doesn't, then you are just playing the power game. I know how far that got me.........................

L

Interesting point. If Jessica's HP wants to see her suffer, maybe it's time for her to trade up to a kinder HP.

Jessica, glad you're spending time with your children. I know spending time with my children is the best thing in my life. I also know that when I'm upset about something, it's harder for me to make the time with my children quality time. Don't let him get to you, what do you need him for anyway? Life is too short to waste being upset.

I think you aren't being taken seriously because you are definately sending mixed signals. I'm not sure why you'd change the locks when you are driving him directly to your house.

Jess,

I can't pretend I don't know you because I'd be deliberately lying to you, and myself.

I am glad to see you post again. However, I am very confused as to your reasons for allowing him to move back in with you in the first place.

Until I understand that a little better, I'm truly at a loss for words - and that's a first for me!

I like that! Very insightful of you, Gypsy. :)

I can't explain.....I've baffled a lot of people. But I understand what I need to do for me and this is what I need to do for me. Obviously I have A lot of unanswered questions. A lot of doubt about my choices. I got confused and forgot what it felt like when we lived together. I'm starting to remember and feel it again.....but I'm not the same person i was 2 years ago. I am more aware of my feelings and where they are coming from. The more i realize that I'm not the cause of my pain or the situation, the more I will NOT feel guilt for my choices.

I do, Judy, want him to be this "person" I imagined him to be. He even said to me, "I just want to be me". So, I'm stepping back to see who he is....and not control him to be who I want him to be. So I ask myself the question Minnie suggested.....do I really like WHO he is. We agreed to take it one day at a time. For me to NOT look into the future was very very hard. He is not "officially" moved in here. But yes, he is welcome to stay here.

Sunday through Thursday is ok....but not great. He goes to work everyday, helps with the kids in the morning, and comes home every night. He's helpful and cooks and does the laundry. Just like before.

There are many questions in my head. The answers are coming to me. I don't drive him everywhere he needs to go. I don't go crazy if he don't "Call in" for work. I don't worry about how he's going to get there. I don't care if he don't have cigarettes or something to drink. I don't try to control situations and I let him make his own choices (as he should) so I'm not confused if his choice was b/c of my suggest or something he came up with on his own. I accept his choice and move on. If I don't like it, then that is another unaswered question for me. These things for me are progress.

There is no reason for me to be afraid of him.....Judy was right, me locking the doors would only be an open door to more drama.

....when i asked him to move out 2 years ago, I really don't think i was ready. I think I was very very angry, but not ready.

My friends.....I need your support for where I am in my life now (which is why I asked you all to treat me as a newby)......I chose to start over. I've learned alot, I'm not faking it "till I make it". I'm living it. I'm putting what I've learned to work for myself in the situation I'm in right now. I do say to him what I mean. I try to only state it once. It's actually been really peaceful....at home and in my mind. But the weekends....I'm adjusting and trying to handle it the healthiest way that I can......for me.

G is an adult.

He can choose to cash his own pay checks and spend it all on himself.
He can choose to stay out late and go where he pleases.
He can choose who he spends time with.
He can choose to do nothing to help you with the house or the children.
He can choose whether he wants to have any involvement with you and your children.
He can choose to drink as much as he wants.
He can choose to live off of you as long as you allow it.
He can choose to cheat on you.
He can choose to break the law.
He can choose to make choices and pay the consequences for his choices.

You are an adult.

You can choose who you live with.
You can choose who or what you spend your money on.
You can choose where you want to go and who you want to spend time with.
You can choose to change the locks or leave the welcome mat out.
You can choose to live with your choices or change your choices.
You can choose for yourself and no other adult.
Your choices do not involve changing anyone, but yourself and your situation.

What is it that you want for yourself and your children? What choices do you need to make to have that? The choices that you make cannot include changing another adult. They have the right to make their own choices just as you do. If you can't live with his choices you have choices to make that will improve your situation. You too have to live with the consequences of your choices just as the alcoholic does.

As hard as our situations are we do have choices. If we can't make the choices that are best for us then we need to keep looking within and working on it. We need to keep the focus on ourselves.

I read this on another site and it was very helpful to me.

That is exactly what I'm doing. Every choice I've made in the past was for him....what was best for him, how can I make him happy, how can I make things easier for him. I AM making choices for me now. A lot of them. but, I do need to keep looking within and working on it. Because I honestly don't know what makes me happy. I've always "known" what do to do make others happy, but I have a really hard time knowing or doing what I can to make me happy. I'm working on it. and each day, I get a little further along my path.

I am seeing that G is not the cause of my pain. But the confusion I've allowed myself to endure is. I think I had grown up with the understanding that since I've always tried to make others happy, others need to make me happy. I'm trying........to learn how to make myself happy.

Have you read codependent no more and beyond codependence. I am re-reading it again. Not sure how many times I have read it over the years but it is speaking to me this time more than ever.
Just a suggestion.

Jessica, I'm sorry, I just don't see it. Your original post to this thread is ALL about him, his paychecks, what he's doing, etc. Are you saying allowing him back in was for YOU? Then, what are you getting out of it and why aren't you happy? You started out wanting to change the locks and now seem to have backed off that. Do you want to share what your guilt is about and what he will do that will make you say "enough?"

Okay, I get it now, he gets room and board in exchange for cooking and doing laundry. Sounds fair... not. If you're going to ride the alcoholic roller coaster with him you should get more out of it than that.

I promise I'll try to have patience and support you in your choices if you try to be tolerant of my sarcasm. I hope it doesn't come across as offensive, it's not meant to be. Perhaps the way I should be saying it is, you seem like a kind and thoughtful person who deserves better than what she's getting right now. I wish I could wave a magic wand and G would suddenly become healthy enough to be there for you in the way that you (and your children) deserve. In lieu of that, I'll send you my hopes that you do whatever you need to do to live your life to the fullest. I'm looking at my own choices as I learn from observing yours so thank you for sharing your thoughts as you go through what you are experiencing.