but ... but ... I still LOVE him/her ...
 

I've said that SO many times over the years - and I've heard so many others say it - that when I ran into this article (link in red below) - I HAD to share it. Somethings REALLY hit home - maybe it'll help me open my eyes - regarding my family as well as my x-AH - - -

I hope a tidbit or 2 will help some of those reading this forum.

The Stockholm Syndrome


Bright Blessings,
Blue

Very interesting!!!

I've read quite a few different things about this (Stockholm Syndrome) and I truly feel that it's beneficial in many ways. I think, often times, it is true of codependants.

Thanks, BlueMoon Have wanted this info

bluemoon, thanks for that link.

so much of that hit home regarding this nightmare of a relationship i got myself into and couldn't for the longest time seem to get out of.

Here's a link that woke me up:
http://www.committment.com/goodhusband.html

Thanks Blue. There is also an interesting article entitled "Identifying Losers..." on the following website http://www.drjoecarver.com/

hmmmmmmm - the ouchy part could be reading it as a question - "AM *I* those things?" :)

good link! thank you!

Huh. According to the Good Husband one, my AH had all the earmarks of a perfect husband. Every single item on the list. Now what does that tell us?

What I'm going to take away from that is that I didn't do a bad job of checking him out first. I just don't know what went wrong afterwards. Maybe the list is missing items.

Mushroom - my ex was all of those things too. For a while.

But this was the reality. He portrayed everything on that list for long enough to get me hooked in, then gradually showed his true colours. How do I know? Because he started the same cycle with someone else 2 months after we split up. I am eternally grateful that I found his emails to her and also that she contacted me about 8 months later. To say it was chilling would be an understatement.

Holy schmoly !!!!!

I've read it in AA's big book or the 12 &12.
The alcoholic takes the family mentally and emotionally hostiage
and verious other ways AA addressed this or pionts out these
defects of charecter.

What I experinced in the passed 6-8 months. and the way I view
or feels about everything. I gotta let it sink in.
It's just been chaotic and I'm glade to just get some rest and still be alive.
Yet just reading about this syndrom , I can relate. :a102:

I don't know..I don't know...I don't know.....
I don't think, If I hate her there would be any good that can come
out of it.

What an informative website. I copied all of the articles on depression & treatment. Thank you so much for posting the link!!!

Hey there mushroom,

I don't know how the disease works for you. The way it works with me is that it is a disease of "perception". My "codie-ism" changes the way my brain interprets the reality that my eyes see. I observe a behavior in the woman I love and that behavior is interpreted in a positive manner by my diseased brain. When I ask people who are wiser than me they look at me funny and comment that they interpret it a completely different way. My disease justifies her behavior, and I then make decision based on the _justifications_ instead of on the _observations_.

My wife was spending 10-12 hours a day on the phone and web talking to married men. She never wanted to meet the wives, or have all four of us go out and meet in real life. I justified her behavior as caused by her insecurities and fear of rejection. When I finally did meet the wives I discovered the husbands all had a long history of affairs. Eventually I discovered that my wife was having affairs with those husbands.

Mike :-)

mushroom -
"Huh. According to the Good Husband one, my AH had all the earmarks of a perfect husband. Every single item on the list. Now what does that tell us?"

Interesting - when I went back and re-read that list - it kinda reeks of passive/aggressiveness to me.

I think the answer may be in the Stockholm article:

"... It has been found that four situations or conditions are present that serve as a foundation for the development of Stockholm Syndrome. These four situations can be found in hostage, severe abuse, and abusive relationships:
The presence of a perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the abuser would carry out the threat.
The presence of a perceived small kindness from the abuser to the victim
Isolation from perspectives other than those of the abuser
The perceived inability to escape the situation... "

It's those "small kindnesses" that have always hooked me and kept me hooked - whether to my former AH - or to my alcoholic family.

nutz -
"Yet just reading about this syndrom , I can relate.

I don't know..I don't know...I don't know.....
I don't think, If I hate her there would be any good that can come out of it. "

I totally relate to the "I don't know ... " part!
Bits + pieces just really hit home for me - food for thought if nothing else.

I don't think the opposite of Love is Hate.
I think the opposite is closer to Apathy - and sometimes that feels ALOT like "Letting Go".

DesertEyes/Mike -
"My disease justifies her behavior, and I then make decision based on the _justifications_ instead of on the _observations_."

Yeah! That's it exactly!
It's like me reading the "Good Husband" article and thinking "Oh, how sweet ..."
Then going back the next day and thinking "Sounds damned manipulative to me!"
Which is more realistic??

I am learning that if I'm thinking "all good" or "all bad", I'm probably not quite sitting in the real world.

I did something that my family (mom + 4 siblings) did NOT like (to put it mildly!) It was a MAJOR something.
My punishment until I can "see the truth" (ie: THEIR side) is that they refuse to speak to me or have ANY contact with me.

I'm pretty sure that I could crawl/beg my way back into their good graces - IF I admit that it was ME who was wrong - and grovel and plead forgiveness.

I'm pretty sure that without my various support systems (including SR!), I will eventually believe that I miss my mommy more than I think I was right in what I did. That's who I've always been - pat me on the head and tell me I'm a good girl and I'm yours.

I no longer believe that's love.

:abcr:
Blessings,
Blue

That's weird as Dessert Eyes stated.... it's perception.
I'm being reminded again.
I'm reading a book at the moment..
Reclaiming your self esteem...recovery for co-dendency and other addtions
My perceptions...i'm not sure if it clear or not.
My perception plays a big part on how I live.

In Love is a chioce...the analogy used is
"I'm wearing a twisted, scratched pair of shades..."
I don't let everything or light in and don't see clearly.
Also kind of like looking thur those old soda bottles.

In AA, chapter 16..
" I have the glasses on backwards"

Yet it's all normal to me, becuase I'm in that state.
Even with the informations or data I have. When I'm
in that state , i don't even know it.

Yo Blue,

Being raised as a child in a "toxic family" is a _perfect_ example of Stockholm Syndrome. When I first bolted from my biological family I had it _bad_. Every now and then I get "echoes" of those old childhood fears in present day disguise. What I found most liberating about Stockholm is that all the insanity I felt inside of me was _forced_ upon me against my will. I was born healthy, happy and sane. I can live that way today if I choose to.

Mike :-)

I was born healthy, happy and sane. I can live that way today if I choose to.

What a concept hey?? :)

I'm only just now learning the full extent of "family toxicity" - - -
part of me is relieved - another is terrified --> how the hell do I go about learning to BE healthy, happy + sane?!?!?

Answer --> baby steps Blue, baby steps.

Hard to not start wondering if maybe there REALLY ISN'T an elephant in the livingroom - after all - NO ONE ELSE in my family can see it!
MAYBE it really IS ME who's insane - not them???

Yeah, right. That's why I keep steping in elephant doo-doo up to my eyebrows - cuz the elephant's NOT THERE - - -

:abcr: