Emotinal Manipulation
 

Many of us feel that we have been the victims of emotional manipulation.
And while this may be true, we have learned to play the game ourselves.
Consider the following:
The silent treatment
Playing the victim
Playing the martyr
Wearing the wounds of the alcoholic’s past mistakes instead of allowing them to heal...which results in bitterness, anger and resentment
Game playing instead of honest communication
Becoming the poster child for “You’ve Ruined My Life Syndrome"
Oh there is no doubt that we have been emotionally manipulated by the alcoholics in our lives.
But we are not without fault at dabbling in dishonest emotional communication as well.
No wonder they call this a family disease. :rolleyes:

Gabe - been there, done that. Did it all way before I met the alcoholic in my life.

No more. My life is built on honesty and directness (but hopefully still includes tact and timing). And guess what? Now I don't do it, I see it happening EVERYWHERE!!

Excellent post Gabe. Too often I think we sometimes get so focused on our own feelings, our own reactions, our own self that we forget to realize that we are reacting by being manipulative.
I've just now begun my journey on the whole reacting thing and I was glad to see your post. I needed to see it today as I can see myself in some of the things you listed.

Good post Gabe!

We see all the manipulation the alcoholic engages in but fail to see our own.
Something I have found to be true is that as the level of recovery grows in alcoholics and anon's the lines blur. We are just as devious and manipulating as any alcoholic and maybe more!

Great post!! And here I thought I was the only one that was manipulative with exabf.

One of my old counselors said the reasoning behind me sometimes being a manipulator, was because as a child, growing up in an abusive home with constant chaos and violence; I never learned how to be open and honest. Therefore I used what felt most comfortable to me, as thats how my family operated. My need to constantly manipulate was the only way I knew to try and get my needs met.

I'm learning there are other ways to deal with what I need and want.

Sometimes we need a period of focusing on the hurtful thinks the a's have done in our lives. It takes a long time to get to the point of feeling GABEs post. I'm not there yet,too soon for me. I just came to the point of admitting my husband is an a not just someone who drinks to much.

People decide to stay and people decide to move on I admire both. It is people like myself who are just can't let go in ether direction.

nanad

Same here, Savana. My household wasn't violent, but we three kids couldn't speak unless spoken to and we were constantly told to not make my Dad "blow" (my Mom's word for his rages). But, his words cut deep and hurt worse than beatings!

I realize that I still manipulate at times. I communicate, but not always honestly. I don't tell the people that I need to.......the direct truth about boundaries and what I need. I even realized today that I let my dogs get away with stuff they shouldn't!! :rolleyes:

Instead of being assertive and just saying "Hey! This is something that I can't live with and don't feel comfortable in" , I just give in. UNTIL, I'm completly pushed to the edge. Then, I'll come out swingin' (not physically, but verbally) and will not tolerate it anymore.

I wish so much that I could get to the point to where I didn't have to be pushed all the way in the corner for me to say something. I wait until it bothers me SO badly that I'll do what my Dad did and "explode" and then walk away for good. Never to come back to whatever or whomever was pushing me to the limits in a negative way.


Thanks, Gabe., for this thread. This is my weakest link right now. Dealing with my own emotional manipulation and others on to me.

I can totally relate! What you described is what I do as well. Even the part about my dog! :slaphappy

Anyone recognise any of these? On yourself, I mean.
Signs of an Emotional Manipulator

Very different from

Emotional Abuser

Gabe, this is an excellent thread. Manipulation is not the way to get our needs met. But, I am not saying that I don't understand how it happens, because I do. I too have lived it.

Thanks for giving me reason to pause, and to remember what is healthy for me to do, and what is not.
((hugs)))
Hopefloats

Oh my God, those Signs of an Emotional Manipulator are priceless! I love the one that goes "if you have a headache, the emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor." :D
And the one that goes "When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it".
Thrums...what a great word.
Thanks for the link Minnie, that's a keeper.

Yeah, I share a house with a thrummer at the mo. Tests my recovery, I must say.

WOW..is all I can say to that link...WOW and double WOW!

Excellent link, Minnie....and Gabe, were you peeking in my toolbox again?

The reason I haven't put all those tools away yet is because some days, they are all I have. If I continue to surround myself with unsafe people, manipulation is a safe tool for me to use, and one I know how to operate. Honesty is a better tool, long-term, but I can't use it "intuitively" as I can manipulation.

And the "silent treatment"...c'mon, I don't know how often I've justified this sort of emoional abuse by thinking "if I can't say anything good, I'll say nothing at all".... and then go on to pretend my husband is invisible. So I have to go back to the "rationalization" part to help me not pick that particular tool up again.

My "awareness" of a better tool is allowing me to at least consider honesty in lieu of manipulation... especially in safe situations - like an Alanon meeting. By practicing using these better tools, I have hope that I can pick them up - even in an emergency.

Now, as far as the "emotional manipulator" - whew if that ain't my SIL!! (It is always easier to see these traits in others, first I think).

So, is this what you would call emotional manipulation?

My ex H had a learning disability in grade school. But, is very intelligent in many areas....just has problems in reading and writing (which I tried to help him in every year for 15 years, but he'd give up).

Every time we'd get into an argument and I'd bring up the fact ---especially towards the end---that the two of us just weren't communicating at all, I wasn't happy and hadn't been, he'd say "So you're telling me I'm too DUMB to be married to you, right?"

When I never even mentioned a WORD about his intelligence (or lack of, like he thought). He'd always say things to me like "I never could imagine a lady like you would ever love a dumb guy like me". That would bug the heck outta me. Because, of course, I'm to say "You're not dumb! You're very intelligent".

Is that a form of emotional manipulation?

This is a biggee for me ...

I am aware that I may be doing it but would rather have the open direct communication . When I confront or attempt to sit down and share feelings about a situation. I've been told I over analyze or get too deep and then I feel like i've emotionally manipuated the situation when in fact I think I have just been handed the avoidance card.

Where are all the healthy single ladies?

thanks Minnie for posting that link.

Gooch - we're getting there!

Okay, so........can somebody answer this question for me? Cuz, I'm thinking it's emotional manipulation, but I may be way off base and would really like to know just for my sake and nothing else.

THANK YOU :wave:

I have a "friend" like that she always has a crisis never has she called and said she was having a great day but, she is willing to "help" and hold you hostage for the rest of your life for letting her help.

It startig to look like I have to totally stop talking to her oh well everything seems to always be about her anyway I am tired of being her garbage dump.