oh how cute!!! And all the colors of those kittens!

Oh they are so very cute! Thanks for posting those.

So sweet♥️

Better day for you today Oynnet? Hope you at least get the weekends off.

Nope, working tomorrow. I have Sunday off and then work the next 5 days in a row. At least he's getting a real taste of how exhausted I am when I work this much.
Last night when he came to bed he pulled me close to him and told me that he wanted to move here. That his life was already so much better. He wasn't passing out drink by 4pm. He didn't even want to drink and smoke as much. That he loved the routines we were building (we watch an anime every evening with my son). That I am a billion in one catch. I told him honestly that I was fearful. He still wants to go home to get his stuff in order to come, he doesn't want to leave his cat with his parents as long as needed to get her in my country (6 months post Rabies vaccine before she can come). I fear him going home and changing his mind and us landing in the same toxic cycle we've been in these last few months.
This is honestly 100% what I knew would happen. He was terrified, he got here, he wants to stay here. I *knew* this would happen. If he'd done his cats Rabies shot back in December like I asked him to, we could fly her out next month. But he didn't. He dragged his feet on it until it was too late. Like he has with everything to do with this. Him flying home and coming back is an additional few grand in airfares that haven't been budgeted for.
And today I had my cat in the vet as he's doing something weird with his mouth, and he urgently needs a surgery worth several thousand dollars. (A full mouth extraction). We can do it at my work for cheaper, but this surgery is really too complex for my workplace, and it is better to do it privately. And as I sit and shuffle and stress money around, I stare at his stupid rent for June and I am SO SO resentful that he didn't put his crap in storage like I told him too, because I KNEW he'd want to f*ing stay, and now I have his dumb ass bills that I just cannot really afford.

.

This was YOUR boundary to enforce. You're treating it like a rule for him to follow - and no matter how we try, no one can force another to follow a "rule."

I agree - the whole thing since he came over reads like rules, consequences, guidelines and a sneaky elementary kid trying to fool the teacher. He sure did a complete 180 about wanting to move there very quickly. My immediate thought was nice play - he'll go home to get his cat, excuses of why's will pop up of why he can't come back over and the whole thing starts again for you. If money is so tight, how about he start looking for a job to pay his way at least? From the outside looking in, this does not seem like a happy or healthy situation for you OR your kids. Has he even offered to help with the kittens to give you a break?

I had an adult child for an exah for many years too. I didn't realize it at the time because he WAS responsible and considerate at times. But I had to micromanage him, his choices and decisions. I also had to live in prevention, damage control mode before things happened. I see so much of him and myself in your story. You seem to have very rigid control here, as did I. What I didn't see was that he was going to do or get what he wanted. That may be through a smile, kind words or a hug, but he usually got it and I was obvlivious to most of the tactics he was using. I didn't feel weak or walked on though because I was stearn, firm and solid about the line he needed to walk in order for us to be ok. My "don't mess with me" attitude made me feel strong. Didn't matter though because he got and did what he wanted with different matters rather than by a direct approach.

I also believe there is more going on here than just alcoholism. If he hasn't drank for how many days, I would suspect that there are other issues (behavioral or mental) going on and that alcohol is how he self medicates. Again, this is all imho.

I’m wondering Oynnet , in consideration of the patterns you already know well , and the warp speed he’s moving at - what would it look like if the decision was tabled until the end of his stay?
Right now, you are already very stressed. His 180 about living there is adding to your stress ( he doesn’t have money to contribute to extra flights etc,, he has not even begun to work on finding a job, you have new financial concerns around your cats medical needs)
Tabling the decision gives more time to sort out your feelings and deal with your pets needs, more time will also tell you how things will go when the novelty of him being there isn’t so fresh for both of you. More time will tell you if he gets serious over the next month about pursuing treatment and finding a job. His decision to stay is coming after only a few days- you mentioned you knew that’s what would happen - however you also know his patterns of ongoing alcohol abuse, financial irresponsibitly, financial dependency on you , intense highs and lows - the lows include very emotionally abusive behavior on his part. The pattern also includes him stomping on your boundaries and you allowing it and resenting him for it. I say this gently and out of concern for you - magical or romanticized thinking about those patterns changing because he moves and being with you will fix all of that is likely tempting- but it’s an unlikely reality. The more likely scenario is that the patterns of boundary battles , financial dependency , alcohol abuse and rollercoaster instability will resume, but they’ll resume in your home and involve your children too. I can’t avoid mentioning that , if he is autistic, his neurology amplifies the likelihood of those continued patterns, as the wiring difference includes great difficulty / resistance to changing established habits and routines - not a critique of him, but an important fact to consider.
You have several years of knowing his patterns- and it’s been less than a week - I haven’t heard you mention him making any effort to explore jobs ( maybe he has and it wasn’t mentioned?) but he’s made an effort to get beer with the little money you had left from your own funds for his visit ( the rest was used for saving him from consequences of his alcohol use )
He hasn’t made his decision from a space of either sobriety or of experiencing real boundaries and limits around being fully financially supported by you… right now his reality is you paying for everything he needs- his rent, his visa, his plane flights, his bills, even his beer. I’m not discounting that he feels love for you - however it seems crucial to have your eyes wide open about the fact that nothing has really changed with him- right now he’s away from his self created circumstances at home, he has food, beer if he wants it, , a comfortable home, access to a vehicle with gas in the tank.. all on your dime while you stress and work and overextend yourself .
The comment about wanting the sun to rise in the west when you know it’s going to rise in the east… that’s a powerful analogy.
It sounds like , in spite of the delays created by distance, that some things have moved quite fast in the year you’ve been dating- especially the mixing of finances that have actually translated to him having access to your funds and abusing that access by stripping the funds for alcohol. Slowing down at this juncture might be a very good thing for shoring up your boundaries and assessing what’s right for YOU. If a relationship is really right for the long haul, slowing down should never impact it in a negative way- in fact, pressure, 180s and going too fast often result in decisions we regret- take good care Oynnet.

….There’s another thing that stuck in my mind - it’s regarding the approach you’ve described him taking to acknowledging you :

” I don’t know why you love me, I’m a dick”
” You are one in a billion catch”

From an outside perspective , these kinds of comments feel self serving - this approach , even if unconscious, is more about eliciting sympathy and a sense of your value as a rescuer than expressions that indicate he wants to meet you as an equal partner - from the outside looking in, my gut reaction to those statements is this :

he feels sorry for himself and wants you to feel sorry for him too, ie - that kind of comment puts you in a position to further reassure him when it’s you that deserves authentic - not performative - reassurance after all he’s put you through.

Saying you’re one in a billion- though it seems like a compliment- reinforces the dynamic where you are the only one that can save him- that’s more manipulative that complimentary - if the established pattern of saving him is part of your value , your one in a billion- ness- that creates enormous pressure for you to keep playing that role. Just objective observations that might be worth thinking about - he has a pattern of building you up and breaking you down. That’s the intermittent reinforcement of the chicken pecking for the pellets.

:agree

That's a lot of work days and the kitties too (and kids and him) and etc etc. Do you ever feel like you might just break down?? You know, it's a real thing and I truly hope you will use some kind of caution here. It seems sometimes like we can just carry burdens (not saying your kids are a burden in any fashion, just to clarify), responsibility, fixing everything, taking responsibility for everything but there is a point where all that can come crashing down. Really most people can only push so far before the mind just says, that's enough! At that point you will need recovery time and perhaps a lot of it. Who then will do everything?

That's why it's so very important to try to look after yourself and get that alone time. You are not an endless well of energy, compassion and responsibility.

Of course he's ready to move in, hell I'm ready to move in lol, it sounds really good to me! But it's not real life and he doesn't have a job and really has no responsibility.

Yes the "i'm a dick" comment is also a call to wipe the slate clean. I'm an ass - but hey you and I both know it! It's a blanket excuse for everything. Much better to say, I've been an ass but I'm going to fix that right now.

I have no doubt that you love him and he loves you, to the best of his ability.

You are right to be concerned, he is already taking a 6 month break back home (minimum) for his cat's shots. Then you would need to save up all the money that requires. Exactly what "stuff" does he think he's bringing if he moves? A couple of suitcases right?

I just realized I just assumed YOU would be saving. What about him, what if he pays for the whole thing for his return.

As frustrating as that is for you, which I totally get, it will be a good opportunity for you to get the lay of the land. Maybe the long distance relationship really works for you too, you know? You get him without all of the financial cost (normally) and without much of the drama. Even though that's not the type of relationship you want, maybe this is trying to fit a square peg.

Unfortunately there isn't really an 'us' here, just a him and a you and you are carrying the whole thing. If you are one in a billion to him, then why isn't he coming to the party here. Because he doesn't correlate the two, he doesn't understand his responsibility. Certainly he could develop that mindset over time perhaps, if he stayed sober, after a while that could change.

As for your cat, I'm so sorry he isn't doing great right now and that he needs this surgery. I hope it goes really well and he is running around soon afterward.

Thank you for sharing these sweet photos, last file name totally checks out ... thank Heavens they grow fast, like you said, all that work looking after these tiny babies.

I'm so sorry your cat is unwell and needs treatment, vet costs are punitive. When it rains it pours. It's hard when you're just trying to get through this but I hope you're not hiding your feelings to him in any way about how hard it is to stay afloat right now. That line about him not deserving you is right up there with him saying back then he doesn't want you to pay his bills (how generous of him) followed by him saying he feels so bad that he needs to throw up or lie down, whatever it was.

He didn't seem to fight too hard to pay his own bills, and if you're a one in a billion catch he would fight even harder. What is he actually doing as opposed to saying things that sound nice?

I meant to ask and totally understand if you don't want to reply here. Is this bringing you any joy?

I had to really think about that to be honest.
He's taken over all the cleaning, my house has never been this clean. He's taken the stress off me in making sure my kids get to their therapy sessions on time.
He took my kids shopping for mothers day gifts so that I didn't have to know ahead of time when I was getting. This morning he's helped my son make me breakfast, and given strict orders that I am to do nothing all day but relax. (Mothers Day is a real trigger for me because no one has ever helped my children do things for me, it has been just another day.. and he is bound and determined to make this one special). He tried to book me a spa day for today, but the cost was just beyond us right now, so he bought cucumbers so he could make me a little spa day at home.
I love the routines we have with my son at dinner (we've started two shows we all watch together with dinner).
I certainly feel less burdened.
But I don't know that I feel joy. Not really.
Maybe that is because today is only my second day off since he got here, so it really just has been the daily grind (though the grind has been easier with him here). Maybe it is because I am so very stressed about money now that my cat needs surgery. Maybe it is the looming costs of sending him home only to have him come back again to move - that is his current stand, that he will fly home to pack his stuff and come back. But that is a cost I had not budgeted for in this move. Maybe it is simply because I am exhausted - up feeding kittens every night for weeks and weeks has started taking a toll on my energy levels.

I feel content yes. But joy? Honestly, Not really.

Yes, it could be any one of the myriad of things you have to accomplish each day. He sounds helpful.

After that first round of beer has he stopped drinking?

No. He has not stopped drinking. He isn’t getting drunk- no more than two drinks a day. He’s had two and a half today because he made me one and I didn’t drink all of it. He hasn’t spent any significant money- he’s still nursing the same liquor I already had here and the 6 pack he bought the other day. He’s only spent the spending money I gave him on things for the house- he bought cleaning supplies and a small Little gift for me. So he’s not blowing it all on booze

Oynet, it sounds like it has been going relatively well all things considered.

From what you describe, you have gone it alone in life to get to where you are. I don't blame you for falling for someone who could possibly support you.

I just keep thinking with you that "more will be revealed".

I hope you are getting some sleep and things are going well.

Yes, relatively well!

You know, while you do have a lot going on financially, obviously your cat is the priority right now. Him returning to his apartment has already been accounted for with the ticket money. What will come after that will probably have to be put aside for now?

It's probably impossible for you not to worry about it, I know, but it truly is out of your control. You can't afford to fly him back, pay more bills probably, fly him and his cat back, right now. But then there is the worry that he will waffle again once he leaves.

But the question is, as it was before he came, where does he step up and take responsibility for any of this? You said he just wants to do this or that and damn the consequences (or effort). Nothing has changed there.

Does he drink more when he is at home because he can and he is just on his "best behaviour" right now? How can you tell?

That guy I mentioned somewhere in this thread, that I dated for a year and a half before he left because I wouldn't move in with him. Anyway, I think I mentioned he came back and lived with me (I think for 6 weeks or so, I forget) because I decided this was just not finished (bad idea).

Anyway, he shows up, just as charming as can be and we fall back in to old patterns, which wasn't a horrible thing in itself. He also didn't like to work much. When he first arrived, well ,what needs to be done?? He sets out to level some of the backyard, hard work, digging blah blah. I later discovered this was a pattern for him. He swoops in on a household, participates in a big way then sits in a chair lol.

So after that initial part, he gets a job, but he only pays half the mortgage, nothing for cable, internet, elec, gas etc, which is about the same amount. Why? Because that wouldn't leave him enough money, he wasn't making that much. Ok.

Then he proceeds to spend time when not at work at his computer, but mostly, reading the bible, which up until then, was not even a "thing". I learned later that he would fall back in to religious mode as it met his needs (as in he could be part of their group).

Needless to say, he was a different version (although not an alcoholic) and I asked him to leave. Paid for a bus ticket for him to travel across the country back to his home city.

I would NEVER have know that particular side of him if he hadn't dropped his mask. (As a kind of aside, I was coming out of a particularly traumatic time and I don't think I would have given him the time of day normally).

Now his was a personality disorder, but I think there may be two parallels here, but of course you may think otherwise, you know your situation best.

First is that people may not be who they seem. Second is to think about where you're at (this is perhaps the most important). You have a ton of responsibility. Being a single parent is hard, being single period is hard, not because it's bad, it's just that you have to rely on yourself a lot).

No one is there to help you, you are going to have to investigate when the tap is dripping, you take your car to change the oil etc etc etc.

Is he filling your life with love and caring or just fulfilling the need for a hug and to not always have to do and be responsible for everything?

Anyway, just some thoughts.

Hi Oynnet- and Happy ( belated on your side of the world) Mothers Day. I hope your day gave you some deserved rest and a reprieve from the exhaustion you’re feeling.
Im glad he’s taking on household chores and limiting his drinking. Both good things in the moment. Im glad you have a few weeks before he goes home , to sort out your financial priorities, decide what his contributions will be , and see how he copes with his drinking and any adult level financial and organizational expectations you may require of him .
Im sure it’s a lot to be exhausted , financially stressed, worried for your pet , and to be getting some of what you want from him right now while simultaneously getting loads of cautionary responses here.
As glad as I am that he’s helping with chores , it seems like finances - especially now with your cats well being at stake - are where you’re really stressed, and it’s his past and present dependency on you that’s the root of the stress , not household chores etc. The surgery your cat needs might not be a financial crisis if he hadn’t drained your funds?
Hes suddenly ready to move - I’m curious if he’d be as ready if there were expectations firmly set about what he must contribute to the costs of the move + living expenses once he’s there? Is he making his choice on the assumption that you’ll just pay for all of it and support him financially once he’s living there?
Trailmix had a great point about how masks can drop given some time…I have my own cautionary tale about that . I’ll spare details but can say I learned the hard way, from an alcoholic partner, how convincing short term best behavior can be. It’s especially convincing when one wants so much to be convinced. It’s also convincing when someone knows from experience that they can play the best version of themselves for a bit and know you want to believe so much that youll sacrifice emotional and financial boundaries to that belief. Alcoholics are very good at that kind of maneuver, even when it’s done unconsciously -so many of us here have stories of how we learned that hard lesson… do you have ideas about clear financial requirements you’ll hold him to so this kind of stress and exhaustion doesn’t become further normalized as you move forward?

After an incredible mothers day the wheels fell off last night.

Some of what you guys said got stuck in my head and lopped around and around. Around joy and caring specifically. And breaking down. Realistically, I have been on the edge of breakdown for a very very very long time.Getting him here, getting his support, having a *partner* to support me - especially day to day cleaning - has been something I have needed so badly. It was why I fought so damn hard. Because in so many ways, he is the partner I have needed to prevent the breakdown. Except in one area, and last night it reared it's ugly head again.
I can't even blame him or alcohol.
It was all me.

From the very beginning of this relationship he and I have had this constant battle when it comes to physical intimacy. On paper, we are incredibly compatible. Both super sexual people, both have similar interests in the bedroom. Our kinks align. At distance, he is terrible at intimacy, he feels like he is performing or putting on a show and it doesn't come naturally to him. We've had a few moments here and there, but nothing that could sustain me for the length of time we were apart. In person, when we do it is amazing. My ex and I were fire, and it isn't that. There is always a sense he is holding back slightly. But there has always been this uncomfortable dynamic where it is always initiated by him, and if I initiate I am most often rejected. I think I shared some of what he said once, about not feeling attracted to me. We've talked about it prior to this trip, and he *is* attracted, just ... I'm not a 10. I'm a solid 7. Just like he is a solid 7 for me. Still he has had this constant refrain our whole relationship that he doesn't lust after me. That his head and his heart tell him that I am the person for him, but that lust is missing. That if we open the relationship things would be perfect because he can get that need met. He has zero problems of me with another man, or many other men, and even wants to watch. (I am against open, I only want intimacy in a relationship. He says that makes me possessive.)
Last night, I wanted something from him. Intimacy is a stress relief for me - and given how much I am under, I need it. And he.. wasn't interested.
He laid in bed, holding me (not withholding physical affection, just not what I wanted in that moment) and made a comment that he was incredibly happy. That he was loving his time here. He asked me if I was happy. I told him I was content, but something was missing. That I wasn't happy with the physical times we have had so far..
And things just.. got hard. We talked for hours last night, and hours this morning before work. He admitted he'd thought about cheating - to get his sexual needs met because I don't light him on fire. But that he'd never actually cheat. That I was too important to him. He also said it wasn't a secret - this lack of fire that he feels. We've circled this stupid drain so many ******* times. I can FEEL when he desires me and when he's doing it out of obligation. I know the difference. In the times we've been intimate apart, he has told me the things he thinks about me, and he does think of me in that way, so he obviously DOES desire me. Just.. not ******* enough to make him happy. To make me happy.
Today, He keeps holding me, and kissing me on the forehead, and 'everything is ok', and that I shouldn't feel bad for speaking up, and that he feels better knowing this sexual struggle is not one sided, but I just feel wrecked. Like there is something wrong with me that I can't even turn him on when I want some. My ex STILL messages me, 16 years after we broke up, sexual message. I have never had a problem in this area until now. (I have had... a lot of partners..).
I'm only the third woman he has been with. I'm his longest relationship - by a LOT. (3 months was the longest before me, We are now at 16 months). Part of me wonders if he is sucked in by a fantasy of what a long sexual relationship feels like. What fire feels like. He says he feels it looking at others but not when he looks at me, and that is soul crushing. And yet, his actions don't always match those words.

He's drunk a LOT today while I was at work. I know it is because of those hard conversations
He still cleaned a ton of my house today. He is currently waiting for me to come to bed. He is still being affectionate and kind.
But I feel like I ruined everything by speaking up.