“I suppose all this background is to say - is this a common theme in high-functioning alcoholism? Highly successful? No financial, legal or health implications? Doesn't drink during the day? Seeming to be holding everything together while still engaging in a daily "happy hour" with his family that runs from 5 - 11 PM each night? Life is going great for him, so why would he see a reason to change? Does the house of cards ever actually fall?”

I agree, the descent does come around quite quickly. Within 3 years of exAH’s return to drinking, he was not going to work regularly and was isolating himself so he could drink more. After 5 years of drinking, he lost his job, all his friends, and 3 of our 4 sons have distanced themselves from him, He is in debt, has no money and has made a lot of questionable life choices - including messing around with cocaine and who knows what else. The only people in his life right now are a couple of guys that are at the same point with alcohol that he’s is. And some chick that has racked up his credit card when he’d send her out to buy liquor for them with it, she’s a peach I’m sure lol.

He left me a voice mail at some point recently (he’s blocked) asking me to pay it off for him as he has no money and then moved on to blaming me for how high his credit card balance is. We’ve been living apart for 6 years and we’ve always had separate finances as I didn’t want to have my money tied with his when he was drinking years ago. And that included separate credit cards in our own names. I don’t even know what CC he has and I doubt he knows which one I have. I’m sure he just wants me to call him and be angry over that message, but that’s not going to happen. And he’d like some money too lol.

So long story short, yes it will all fall down, it’s just a matter of when, not if. Take care of yourself 💕💕.

Wow, Velma - I am so sorry to hear about your dad and the terrible situation his addiction found him in. That must have been heartbreaking for the whole family. I also remember a red flag radar going up for me from a phone call. I Facetimed him one day just to say 'hi' while I was traveling for work and tell him about my day and he answered with glassy eyes and a slur and could barely hold a conversation. It was a Tuesday around 7 PM and he was home alone. The "social" aspect of his drinking had officially vanished.

As I reflect - I initially said he doesn't do dangerous things (not in the way he overtly did in his early 20s), but I know there's been more than one night where he has a few drinks in the late afternoon and then goes to pick up takeout around 6-7... even if he's not swerving around the road, if some situation happened where he had to be breathalyzed, I'm not sure he would pass in those scenarios. Or the few drinks at a restaurant and then head home. It only takes one time to end up in a terrible scenario like you described. :(

Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal story - it is eye-opening how quickly things can turn ugly.

Hi ToughChoices - the version of your ex that you describe is eerily similar to my own. He also hasn't been to a doctor in at least four years, and if he did, I'm sure he would never ever answer those questionnaires about drinking and drug use honestly. "I saw the whole, slow-motion car wreck" really resonates with me because I am the only one who addresses it with him (which makes me the bad guy), but I'm also the only one who has watched his sleepless nights, mood changes, lack of intimacy, forgetfulness, spotty communication, etc. live and in real-time as it degraded in recent years. Everyone else sees the Masters degrees, high-level jobs, warm personality.

He once told me during a fight that no one in his life ever made him feel as bad about himself as I did. At first, I felt like a terrible person since I try to lead with kindness and compassion with EVERYONE I meet - and what a let-down if I couldn't do that with my own husband.

And then I thought: I am the only person who has ever made him accountable for his actions and words. I was his first serious relationship post-college, his parents support and enable him (and until recently only saw him really 1x a year or so), his friends don't share finances or family responsibilities with him, etc. OF COURSE I am going to make him feel bad sometimes because I'm the one person who holds him to a standard.

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses. I tried to reply to as many as I could (I took a little solo vacation this week to disconnect and it was quite a treat!) so I am getting all caught up now and so endlessly grateful for your support and sharing such personal and difficult stories within your own lives.

For those who have been in active addiction and those who saw it with their family members - is there any benefit at all to addressing it head on? I have this idea in my head of having essentially a 1:1 intervention where I tell him or send a letter (I'm better in writing) how much it has affected me and him, and the changes I've seen. Not that we haven't done this conversation ad nasuem, but kind of a final plea before I officially move forward with life as a single person. I hate the idea of being an 'ultimatum' wife because I think adults should be free to make their own choices and I have a constant fear of being told I'm too controlling, but that final piece of me wants to make sure he knows I want him healthy, safe, and alive.

So, I'm an alcoholic in recovery.

No one ever confronted me about my alcohol use. I don't know if it would have mattered to me - and the other thing is that everyone I surrounded myself with were also pretty heavy drinkers or I drank at home alone where I couldn't get in any trouble.

I am divorced though. We had many problems - not the least of which was alcohol for both of us. I understand wanting to make a last stand. I did that lots of times to try to change my ex-husband's behavior. Nothing made any difference, but I had to try. If you want to give him a letter, do it.

I wouldn't - I don't put anything in writing that can be shared with family/friends/attorneys etc.

Yes, this!

It will be twisted and used against you. I promise! This is what they do. It will be used to make them the victim!

I broke up with someone once (not an alcoholic - a raging narcissist), but anyway. I had that same feeling, does he even know what he is? I should send this or that (a book or whatever) and he will SEE himself as he is - to a T.

I don't know if I was being helpful or vindictive - doesn't really matter but probably a bit of both. I did nothing instead. Why? Because he - as he is - could not read anything and see himself in it, he was not self-aware like that. I think he knew he wasn't "ok" but I don't think he knows what he is. If he doesn't know, how on earth could I explain that to him or get him to see it?

What are your motives? Is it completely not self? Or are you are hoping that FINALLY he will see what he is doing?

Either way, I wouldn't send it. I think you will find, as time passes, that you will be glad you didn't. It's truly not worth it, he won't see.

Yep, agree with others—nothing in writing, and consider carefully why you need to say what you’ve tried to say so many times unheard.

Not saying this is true for you, but for me, the urge to “manage” was kinda the track my concern tended to follow.

I tried so hard to help / fix / alert my alcoholic mother to her situation and failed miserably for decades, but I managed to use that toxic futile energy to transform into an alcoholic myself.

Then in my turn, nobody—but nobody-was gonna tell me how to live my life and what I needed to do to save it.

Generational Irony. . .

Dad liked to drink gin and tonic in warm weather. I guess no one watched how he made them; evidently it was a tumbler full of gin over ice and a splash of tonic water. On the evening in question, the folks and another couple went out for dinner and he had one beer with dinner, as well. Dad probably should have given up driving a few years before, for multiple reasons. His reaction time and his attention to his driving were not good, under any circumstances. Booze made them even worse.

Based on this quote from your first post - no I wouldn't send him a letter. I'd just say to his face that since you've been separated for this period of time and obviously have lifestyle differences that aren't going to be resolved, that you're going to be contacting a divorce lawyer. Or don't say a word and contact a divorce lawyer.

He doesn't have a problem with his drinking. You do. You want children. He wants to make sure he can still party to some degree if you have children. I'd move on and have some babies! They're the gift that keeps on giving. :-)

Thank you again for all the honest feedback. The draft I came up with didn't really say much other than how I loved him and listed many of his outstanding qualities... but that the addiction created a version of him that blurred all of that. It's nothing we haven't talked about before, and upon reflection, it was just my own idea of closure (along with the always-desparate hope that this is the time he would finally he see how right I really am, lol!)

But it probably has the potential to hurt me in new/old ways. I've written heartfelt things before in recent months (emails or texts) that got absolutely no response, so there's no reason this would be any different.

My "fear" is selfish in that I am afraid he will find someone new to love and all of a sudden change his ways and be this incredible person for someone else. It's an ego thing - why wasn't I good enough for you to make those lifestyle changes for? But realistically 1) he probably will decline further before he ever makes a change - and no telling when or how long that will be and 2) if he does become healthy for someone else, that's his choice and there's nothing I could have done that I haven't offered to do already. I hope by then I, too, will have a new partner who meets my needs and it won't affect me so much.

Hi tacomas08
Welcome from me, too. :) This is a great community with tons of helpful experience to share.

The fear that they will find someone new and turn it all around for them when they wouldn't do it for us is pretty common. And definitely a symptom of our general lack of self worth and self love. Having an alcoholic partner can do that to a person.

In my case, my alcoholic ex boyfriend moved on to sponging off his mom for a few years, in and out of rehab, getting sicker and sicker, no job, no friends, and finally dead at 53 from liver failure. (I found out months afterward, when his mom suddenly texted out of the blue.)

I had gone No Contact when we split, wallowed, grieved and processed, went to therapy, went to Alanon, came to SR to read and learn and whenever I felt the urge to contact the ex, reached out to friends, took hikes, re-discovered hobbies and interests I had totally ignored during the drama of the relationship, and fell in love with myself and with my life again.

And yes, while living my best life, I then met and married a simply delightful man who is a joy and a delight. A mentally healthy, bright, adventuresome, SOBER man. We have been married almost 6 years now. There is life after an alcoholic partner. It's up to you to go live it.

Hey Taco, you are sure going through the wringer with your husband. It is tough stuff no matter how you slice it.

Folks here are giving you some solid feedback. It sounds like you aren't really okay living with an alcoholic. Many of us are not. He may recover some day but always best to look at how someone is right now.

I hope writing that letter was therapeutic. Probably best not to send it. You could have a Ritual Burning of The Letter on the barbecue if you wanted. I did something like that with my qualifier's letters. It didn't really help but it was something to do. I wrote many letters to my Ex; I would agonize and rewrite the letter before sending it. I probably should have utilized the barbecue for burning those as they were just attempts to control a situation that wasn't mine to control.

Courage to you as you go through this tough time.

Those are some wise, wise words right there and hit the nail on the head for me. For someone who always wants to a manage a situation (ME!!!), this is a tough pill to swallow. He's an adult and his life and choices are simply not mine to manage. Phew - will come back and reference this often. Thank you, thank you.

Another amazing nugget of wisdom. I have a very close friend who was widowed in her early 30s with two small children. She has since found another partner and has an amazing second love story. Although she and I found ourselves single from very different paths, she's a model for me that your spouse's presence does not make or break your own and there is, in fact, life and joy on the other side.

My ex and I live within a reasonable driving distance, but in separate cities currently, and I have an exciting new job, joined all types of sports and social engagements, see friends regularly, and take care of my body and mind. I'm going through the motions and everyone says how "well" I'm doing, which is true by all outside accounts, but it still stings. (I know I don't have to tell the folks here this.)

Thank you for the support and kindness. Great point about the low self-esteem, too. There were plenty of times when his words and actions indicated I was the core reason for our lack of connection in recent years and that I was failure as a wife. While I ABSOLUTELY agree there are areas that I could be a better partner, I know that solely blaming me and not working on ways to rebuild is a way to make him feel better about his own choices.

In fact, when I asked for us to leave the in-laws' house and rent for a short-term option until we found something to purchase and take some time to re-set in our own space, he was the one who opted not to come. I asked him to join me so many times it was embarrassing (begging my spouse to move in with me and out of his parents' house) and he said it would be best for me to get a lease in my name alone if possible. Yet, he revises history to say that since I moved out on him, it changed his view of our relationship. Alrighty then. I guess he's already decided to cast me as the villain here, or he was too intoxicated to remember how it really happened.

Sometimes the Universe gives us strangely-wrapped gifts 🎁

Sounds like you may have gotten one, though I get it doesn’t at all feel like that yet. . .

Hi all - Just an update to say thank you for giving me an honest answer when I asked if there was any benefit to sending out my last-ditch in-person or written letter asking him to seek support.

I did not send anything (or have the discussion in person) even though I initially really wanted to. But after sitting on it and listening to your feedback, I feel pretty confident that it would have only ended in my disappointment and repeated the cycle of our conversations that we've had for years to no avail.

There's nothing about this time that would be any different. I've already moved to a new city, we barely talk as-is. If "keeping me" was the carrot this letter was going to dangle in front of him, I think he's made it clear he doesn't care about that carrot anymore.

I'm glad I didn't put myself out there only to be let down once again when I feel like I'm making some real traction on re-setting my life as a 'solo artist' so to speak, lol.

For the book Co-Dependent No More - who is the author? I looked it up on Amazon and found two versions, so want to be sure I selected the tried and trusted one. Thank you!

Melody Beattie. :01: