Now EX-GF of 3 years broke up with me during her rehab.
 

Hello Everyone and Anyone that comes across this.

My now EX-Girlfriend of just under 3 years called me to tell me she wanted to break up with me during her stay at inpatient rehab. She was set for a 60 day stay and on the 31st day she called me and said she wanted to break up because she needed to focus on herself and didn't even know who she was. I asked questions but was given non-answers and the call was just about 1 minute long, she then blocked my number. For what it is worth my EX-GF was molested as an 11 year old so I know that does add to the issues. This was also a huge upset to me as she called me last night with her phone time at the rehab center and told me she still wanted to be together and stuff and that the center gives them free time on Saturdays so she wanted me to pick her up so we can hang out for the first time in a month and we talked about a lot of things and how she has been and our relationship and such. Then with this news just 12 hours later I am devastated. Also I myself am a very infrequent drinker, like 4 times a year, and I told her I would change whatever she needed as well, such as never drinking again because I really don't care, if it helped her and she seemed happy on the phone but then called it off just the next day.

For some context she is 22 and I am 25 and it came as a surprise to me that she was an alcoholic. I had no idea until it happened and she went to inpatient. We had been friends for 2 years before dating and I thought the relationship was the greatest thing I have ever experienced. I was genuinely happy and I thought she was as well but I don't know anything anymore. I don't know what is real and what is fake. I am such a mess right now.

Also her sister is my best friend that I've known for 10 years and when I told her what happened she called me and she had no idea either. She was lending an ear and she cried a bit on the phone as well because it was such a shock with how we both thought the relationship was. Also she is still due to leave inpatient the 1st of the new year. This has happened 2 weeks before our 3 year anniversary and I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel defeated.

Sorry if any of this comes across as rambling. Thank you all.

This just similarly happened to me about 4 weeks ago as well (feel free to read my thread a few posts down).

She's either serious when she's trying to work on herself (as she should be because her recovery should be her main focus), or as much as it might hurt to hear this - she did the same thing as my girlfriend and met someone at the rehab place.

The fact that she blocked your number is a little unsettling, and makes me believe she might have found a new rehab romance. It happened to me, and I also was left with short no answers. Best thing for you to do is do no contact and let her figure out what she really wants when she's further along in recovery.

I'm still struggling four-weeks later, and I know your pain all too well. Be kind to yourself man, and I hope your mental health stays in tact during all of this. If you need to talk, feel free to reach out.

Hi ADD, so sorry you got hurt. No, it doesn't come across as rambling at all, feel free to ramble though!

I hope you will read around the forum and in particular EZ's thread, as he mentions above. Stick around and keep posting.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...b-romance.html

Thanks for your responses and I went through the post by Ez0221. It was good to read to see a similar situation. I really loved her and I thought she and I would get married eventually as we had talked about and with this thing blindsiding me I was so shocked. Going to sleep last night was extremely rough and as soon as I tried to lie down I pretty much lost it. I really do feel like I am owed and deserve some sort of explanation as to why she changed so suddenly and why she was done with us but I don't know if I will ever get it from her or her family, who I am also close with. It just sucks that everything I have from her now just makes me sad instead of remembering all the memories and adventures and good times we had. I've never dealt with anything similar to this before.

Yeah man, it was and still is really rough for me. You're going to have some sleepless nights, and she is going to be on your mind pretty much non stop.

I will say this though - if she left you for someone she met at rehab, it's her loss. Just know that you sound very supportive of her like I was with my ex, and you did everything you could as a partner.

Your ex is missing the "high" of being messed up, and trying to replace it with something else exciting. As people told me, their minds are all over the place right now because of the damage addiction has done to their brains. You don't know if she cheated on you for sure, but the blocking part seems really odd to me - especially if she seemed normal most of the time.

Let's say she isn't cheating on you, and really is concentrating on herself - why would she go that far to block you? Seems a little immature, and out of her character. She could easily tell you that she wanted to work on herself, and put all her effort into herself but did it in a more respectful way.

She might get ahold of you down the line, but since your line of communication is blocked on your end, the only thing you can do is take care of yourself. It's not easy, and I'm still struggling to do so myself. I'm at 3 weeks no contact today, and it's still really hard.

Continue posting here, and reaching out. Read through my post, and what people have said to me. They have been where you and I are at, and have more experience dealing with addicts than we do. I still don't know if my ex will reach out to me either, but you have to prepare yourself for the fact that it may or may not happen. Addicts don't think the same way as normal people do.

It's really hurtful she did this to you, and right before the holidays like mine did as well. Take care of yourself, and reach out via private message if you need anything or have any questions. You can PM by clicking on my name.

Yes, I'm sorry, but it's going to hurt for a while. The good thing is (and very hard to see at this point) you won't always feel this way.

One tool that I have used myself in a different situation is to write down every terrible thing she has ever done to you, just a short list like:

Never kept dates
Didn't reply to my texts half the time
Got drunk every time we went out
Never wanted to go anywhere where their weren't drinks
Lied to me
Would get very angry and moody sometimes for no reason


Surprisingly it is good to write it out, although it sounds negative. Then, whenever you start thinking of the "good times" - because let's face it, who wants to dwell on the negative - you can refer to that list - 20 times a day if needed and you will remember why you are where you are.

I am a bit confused though. You didn't know she was an alcoholic and your relationship was great. Did she not do any of the things above? Did she not appear to drink to excess? Did you two live in the same space or in different residences?

I don't expect that everyone can identify a problem drinker from an alcoholic, so I'm not saying you were blind or anything lol - I just wonder if she is an alcoholic with no negative behaviour.

I knew she enjoyed drinking when we went out but she wouldn't do it every time so I thought it was more just in a social setting. We live separately but would hang out at each others homes often and before she went to rehab she confessed to me that there were more days she was drunk than not and I was completely unaware. When she would come over she would chug a bunch of vodka and race over before it hit her at all but because she had been doing it for so long she was able to hide it from me. When I would go to her place she would frequently go to her bathroom but she was just sneaking shots and I thought nothing of it because she was able to hide it with rinsing with mouthwash and stuff.

As far as the list you set out she was always somewhat flakey with dates even when she would plan them or if I moved my schedule around to accommodate hers so that was always a bit hurtful but I chalked that up mainly to her ADHD and other than the drinking that she snuck I have no reason to believe she lied about anything else. She and I were seeing each other constantly we genuinely were best friends and shared everything you would expect best friends/couples to share. I knew things about her and her life that even her own sister doesn't know and they are close as well so I don't know what she could have lied about if she did.

Yes that makes sense. She has worked at hiding it and many people are successful at doing that (for a time - sometimes a long time).

So you have never known her as a sober person. She probably hasn't known herself sober for a long time. Plus, although it may not have appeared so, her main focus has been alcohol, every day, all day long.

Now that's gone. What she was using to get by, to feel "normal" - for whatever reason, anxiety, other mental illness, depression, trauma, could be anything or all those things, is gone.

So her erratic behaviour now toward you, when you look at it that way, might not seem so strange? Doesn't make it hurt any less though.

When she says she doesn't know herself, she really doesn't. She is in the fight of her life right now. Someone at rehab may even have suggested she get out of the relationship so she can totally focus on herself, who knows - but, it's probably not a bad thing for her (not you of course).

Truly you won't actually know who she is until she is well in to recovery (which can take a year or long after getting sober). If she is fun and outgoing and loves to laugh a lot and talk, that might not even be her naturally, maybe she is kind of introverted, no one can say.

She lied to you, she hid who she is and what she does. Yes, that probably makes it even more hurtful because it was a betrayal as well.

One other thing, when she confessed to hiding all that drinking, what was your reaction, what did you say to her?

After the initial reaction of shock that I had and I got her to calm down I told her that I was sorry I missed this and I didn't try to help her, even though I know now I couldn't have done anything. Then after some talks with her parents and insurance it was deemed best that she go to inpatient treatment and as much as it sucked I supported her. I was with her the night before she went and the morning she went in. It took everything in me to keep a calm demeanor but I knew she needed it so it was something I was willing to go through without question for her. I told her I'd be waiting until she comes back whenever that may be but that I wasn't going to go anywhere and she assured me the same before she went in and now that's not the case.

If she is able to overcome her issues its just delusional hope to think she and I have a chance isn't it?

Waiting for her may not be best for you, and it might not be realistic.

Being sober and not in recovery, people can be "dry drunk," and sometimes attitudes and personalities can get ugly. If she's working hard at recovery, she won't be truly stable for at least a year and she's going to need to focus on herself. It's really difficult to rebuild or maintain a relationship through all of that.

The other part of this is that if you never knew her sober, her personality may be very different once she is sober and in recovery, she may be very different from who you knew before. She may also have little memory of your time together and things you've talked about.

I think that is impossible to predict. As sage mentioned, recovery can take years and you have idea who she really is (and I'm sure she doesn't either - hence the breakup). I mean, of course you have some idea, she won't change 100% but you also have no idea what she will want once she is in recovery, assuming she actually gets to recovery, who knows she might decide to drink again, it's incredibly early days .

So you have to ask yourself, why would you hold out hope for a relationship she ended for a future romantic relationship that might never be.

I know you love her and you are very attached to her and all of a sudden there is this huge void in your life where she was, but filling that with YOUR life will help. Do things you enjoy, go out with friends, hang out with family - even if you don't particularly feel like it right now. I mean I don't know where you are at but if you are devastated, just getting out of bed for the next week and brushing your teeth and eating will be a great achievement.

Your story is so damn near identical to mind that it's not even funny. Even your responses are very similar to mine.

Listen to trailmix and stage because they helped me realize stuff I wasn't thinking of.

I'm just curious - if your gf hits you up, apologizes, and says she did it because she found a romance at rehab - how would you take it? Has she ever cheated on you before? Sorry to keep bringing that up, just trying to understand your situation as best as possible.

Also, were you guys talking alot when she was able to recently? Just trying to figure out why she felt the need to block your number? She could have easily just said she didn't want to talk anymore and didn't need to go as far as blocking.

If she were to tell me that I’d probably just be beyond sad and heartbroken and numb. She has never cheated on me before. She got her phone back on day 30 of treatment and called me telling me how it has been and that she misses me and she was excited to see me on the free time she has Saturday. Then on the very next day, day 31, she calls me and breaks up with me.

For what it’s worth I’m only blocked on the phone. No social media or anything else.

Yeah, my gf did the same thing. Was excited to talk to me, invited me out to come visit her, made future plans, etc. Mine deleted me off Instagram, and then uploaded a photo of of her and the guy she cheated on me with. Did she unfriend you on social media?

I'm sorry you're going this man. I'm not 100% she has another guy in her life, but her sudden change of attitude towards you reminds me of what my gf did to me. It could be her trying to concentrate on herself, or getting advice from someone telling her she should be single while recovering.

Unfortunately, like me, you're going to be left with a bunch of unanswered questions. I haven't contacted my ex in 3 weeks, and I'd recommend you not reaching out as well (through social media). Let her think about what she has done. If she wants to talk or explain herself, she knows you will hear her out.

Keep posting, and read through my whole post and the replies. I know it's alot, but it will help you hearing every thing I said and the responses people gave me because our stories are very familar. Take care of yourself in the meantime.

Thank you so much Ez. No she hasn’t blocked me on any social media.

While the not knowing anything is killing me I do truly hope she gets better. As of now I do still love her and wish her the best.

I’n definitely going to stick around here and maybe get some more insight. I know it’s sucks now and a part of me hopes things somehow work out but I know it’s going to be a painful learning experience however it may play out. Still a part of me hopes for now but I’ll learn I guess.

Yeah, I understand. My ex did a lot more awful things to me it seems like than yours did, but I still want the best for her.

Was your ex ever a bad drunk? Did you guys ever get into arguments about it? Did she decide to go to rehab by herself, or did you and her family have to convince her to go?

Are you still friends with her on social media? I know you said she didn't block you but did she unfriend you?

She wanted to go for herself she said. We rarely got into arguments about drinking too much. Maybe like 5 times in almost 3 years. From my memory she was never bad to me while drunk.

Gotcha. Just because if you guys fought about it a lot, she would possibly be blaming you for being there or being the reason she drank.

There's so many unanswered questions for you and it's a really crappy feeling. It's still fresh on my mind all the time 3 weeks later. Just make sure to take care of yourself and if it gets really bad, reach out here or to your friends.

Yeah. I may not know you but truly thank you for this conversation. Everything still hurts but it was very nice to have someone in a similar situation to just listen to me and talk for a bit. Really thank you so much.

and thank you to all who respond or even pass by.