Husband Secret Drinking
 

I am new here - I have read a few old threads .... my story is very long and insane so I'll just try and put the most relevant points down here. I have been married to my husband for 11 years and we were together for 6 yrs before that so it has been a long time. I moved from Canada to Scotland where we got married and lived there for 12 years and had our daughter. Our daughter is nearly 10 and has a chronic condition - we have endured many years of trauma at the hands of doctors and schools dealing with her illness and eventually fled the country and came back to Canada. Things with my husband have been very bad for many years - we were approaching divorce a few years ago but then our child became extremely ill and those issues took a back seat. The issue I have always had is his anger - explosive anger along with just generally mean tone of voice when he speaks and complete lack of patience with anything even a little bit complicated in life. He speaks in a mean tone to our child and she basically is to the point where she will not stay at home with him at all. For a few months, he was home here in Canada while I was working FT and it got to the point where my daughter became so depressed with him she wanted to cut herself! So now I am home with her and she is back to her bubbly self most of the time. Her illness is very up and down.

Anyway - he swears a lot, he tells me to **** off at the drop of a hat, he storms around the room and slams doors - he's generally just angry and hard to be around. I've always said he is a good actor or liar because he hides this from everyone else. Last summer, I found 3 x 40ouncers of vodka in the cupboards in the trailer (where we camp on the weekends during the summer) when I walked in and caught him putting a bottle back after having taken a swig. He seemed very sheepish after that and apologised - I thought it was just a summer thing and moved on. He has had some health issues also that have been very bad for years and about 1 year ago he supposedly stopped drinking because we noticed it seemed to trigger these very bad attacks he gets which rendered him bedbound for a few days twice each month. He also has insomnia. So as far as I knew, he had not really been drinking at all for a year except a few beers the odd time and I have been very worried about him because at times, he seems drunk - slurring his words and swaying like he is on a boat - I have taken him to loads of doctors and my parents paid for a lot of it because he had nohealth care yet here for many months. We have done blood tests which showed he had very high ferritin and his symptoms did fit liver issues .... so I thought maybe haemacromatosis and all different things. The liver specialist told me alcohol is the likely cause of the elevated ferritin but I said wel that can't be because he doesn't drink really at all! So this went on and on with me worrying and researching and spending money on doctors and tests .... and him flying off the handle dailiy for weeks on end swearing at me and our daughter slamming doors and calling me a ****! Then waking the next day acting as tho all was fine.

Because of covid and our child's health condition and our big move, we are living at my parents' house and they had been at their other house in CentralAmerica all through covid. They just came home a few weeks ago and they were noticing all of the things I had beentelling them about and how weird he gets and also he falls asleep randomly all over the house - on the floor in the closet and weird things like that. Anyway, so last week he was getting really frustrated after work on day trying to put this shelf together for me and he was swearing and banging it around for an hour when I got home and my dad told me about it -my parents had been upstairs in their room basically avoiding him as he was being so insane. I know jus twhat he gets like - so I asked him to stop and put the shelf away and we could look at it another day. Eventually I had to get very firm and tell him he must stop now he is swearing and upsetting the entire household then the metal shelf dropped and made a noise and my dad said something calmly along the lines of "Garry come on now" and he flipped out and told my dad to "**** off ...." - my dad who has been supporting us emotionally and financially through this crisis with our child!!! So he can no longer hide this and he had gone out into the garage - I went out and saw him putting a bottle of vodka into his golf bag! So I go "what's that" and he's like "what do you mean" so I walked over and opened the golf bag and sure enough, it was a 40 of vodka and there was another empty 40 and 3 empty 26ers in there! So, he was drunk when he los this patience and said that to my dad!!! He sat outside crying all night saying he has been secretly drinking this vodka for 10 years! I had heard him over the years doing it - I would hear a little cap twisting off a bottle in the kitchen from the livingroom and would ask what he was doin gand he would lie! I thought I was going crazy hearing things! So 10 years of lies and hte last 2 years of me worrying sick about his health meanwhile I guess he really was just drunk and it wasn't a neurological disorder after all! He said each week he says he will stop and never doe s- I don't think he drinks every day but I have been checkign this bottle and he had a load of it on Saturday at a big family party and also I had hidden a bottle of rum and I see that he has taken probably 6 ounces of that yesterday or the day before! So he isn't stopping clearly and I actually didn't even ask him to stop - last summer when I found the vodka I dumped it out. Now I'm to the point I don't even give a **** about it - I just want him to stop being so weird and yelling at us but I'm now thinking he probably has a worse problem than I had realised. It's odd because I have no issue with someon ehaving a couple of beers after work - I drink too much too but I don't hide it. Our lives are stressful and at night, I have a few wine spritzers almost every night and here he is pretending he is completely sobre meanwhile he's sneaking into the garage and downing straight vodka!

So I feel like divorcing him but then I feel bad because with covid everything is so hard - he could never afford rent here in Canada now that he had to leave his old career and I took a vow "in sickness and in health" but I'm starting to wonder - do I have this mentality of an abuse victim or something now?! And if I kicked him out, he'd probably need to move back to the UK and that would mean leaving his daughter and I'm worried that would damage her. I just don't know what to do or think!

Hi Steph. Well, I'm sorry you are in such a terrible situation, I know it must be very hurtful for all of you.

One thing that did stand out to me. When you see him ranting and raving, that's probably when he is trying not to drink, not when he is drunk. He sounds like an alcoholic and withdrawal is very unpleasant.

I would recommend learning all you can about alcoholism (for you, not for him), whether you decide to have him leave or stay. There is plenty of information on this site alone and you might want to start with the stickies at the top of the forum, in particular these threads:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

So yes, he has been lying to you all along. I'm sure this has shattered your trust in him. Also you start questioning things like was he sober when (he looked after your child, drove you somewhere etc). That's a huge breach of trust, of course.

Addiction is a very selfish pursuit, so yes, he does feel bad for himself and maybe he doesn't even like his drinking, but drink he will until he decides to quit and not a moment before.

Please know you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

As for divorcing him, that is, of course, up to you. I wouldn't worry too much about what he will do. He is a grown person and can make those decisions. Regardless, perhaps it is time for him to leave your parents house? I guarantee you it will do more damage to have him around your Daughter (and you) than it will ever do having him in another country (where he can still stay in touch with her - only when he is sober of course).

Thanks for your message :) The reason I thought maybe those outbursts were drunken ones is that during his last big outburst, i caught him in the garage drinking vodka and even after that he drank more because I checked the bottle the next day. I've been putting tiny notches on the labels each morning. I also just don't generally like him very much anymore - i've lost all respect for his opinions and no longer believe anything he says basically - he went along with 2 yrs of doctors - wll I had to fight him like hell to get him to see any doctor and instead of telling me he's been drunk, he eventually went along and lied!!!

I have been thinking about this quietly all week and am now coming to the conclusion that maybe I need to tell my parents and get him to go - but if I'm completely honest, I like to have my spritzers and I don't want those to end up banned because of his issue?! I probably have a slight issue with the drinks as well I guess but nothing like this! At night after I'm done caring for my duaghter and dog - I do EVERYTHING and running nonstop, I like to sit down with a couple of spritzers and relax before bed and I have never hidden it.

He also falls asleep everywhere and I thougth he may have narcolepsy - last year one day he didn't pick our daughter up at school at lunch as he was supposed to. She was attempting part days for a while and I had to call a friend to pick me up at work and go get her and when I got home, he was asleep on the sofa with his coat on. Last summer, he kept falling asleep all over the place and later I found out that he had been hiding that vodka last summer. It was so bad that when I was at work one day, he was at hte trailer with her and he went to get her some water and never reappaeared - one of the guys in the park brought her back to the trailer and he was asleep on the floor! A few weeks ago, we found him asleep on the gravel floor of the crawl space. I cannot figure out what is an illness and what is the booze?!

And yes - now I also wonder if he has been driving us when drinking. For years, I've thought I smelt booze on his breath during the day and he always denied it - so at the moment I'mtrying to figure out if he's still lying and downplaying what he's truly up to and I can't believe anything he tells me now.

I've asked him to leave before and he has refused - so I have no idea how to get him out if I decide to do that?

Hi Steph,
Sorry for what brings you hear. Alcoholics will lie and manipulate hide bottles to make sure that the drinks keep coming. It hard to fathom that someone that we love and says they loves us would do that. But their first love has become alcohol. Their is nothing you can say to them to make them change. They have to want to change. Their actions will tell you more then their words. Him saying he will stop is not enough. He needs a program of some sort.

You need to look after your child and yourself. Learn as much as you can hear and ask us any questions you might have. Their are a lot of people here that are here to support you in this time of need. Don't worry about what he will do if you tell him to leave. Like Trailmix said he is a grown man and can make his own decisions.

Just keep looking after your well being and focus on yourself. You have done the first hard step of knowing you can't keep living like this. Now you can start on getting the knowledge you need to move forward. Keep being strong and keep posting.

I understand your state of disbelief. You are right to not trust him, how could you. I think maybe it doesn't matter whether he is downplaying though? You surely don't want to become the alcohol police. You can't know the story unless he is willing to be honest and how can you judge if he is.

Alcohol can affect sleep drastically, from insomnia to getting very poor sleep even when a night's sleep happens, so that could be his problem there as well. Of course it could be a different sleeping disorder, but again, you can't know because he doesn't tell the truth.

While alcoholics might be very distressed when found out, as your Husband was, may even be remorseful, their first and main alliance is to alcohol. Not you, not your Daughter, not any family, friends or job - not even to himself, to alcohol.

He may have no choice, he is a guest of your parents. While legally he may be considered a tenant at this point, he can still be removed legally.

You should have a Landlords and Tenants board in your Province, I would visit their website first and see what you can find out. Maybe even contact them if you need clarification, the laws are usually pretty clear. Even if he is considered a tenant at this point, he can be evicted, there will be a procedure for that which should be spelt out in their information as well.

It can be done.

I would try asking him first (I don't know how volatile he can be though, so that will be using your judgement, of course). Let him know that it would be best for all concerned if he left, with your parents on board you could maybe express that they don't want him to live in their house anymore?

It could get challenging, you may need to get a lawyer involved who specializes in tenancy issues, if you want to be more hands off, hopefully it won't come to that.

Yes you are correct - I can never know what has truly gone on because he is a liar!!! My parents don't want us to divorce although they have been shocked at his behaviour the past 3 weeks - they say he cannot help it. I haven't told them about the vodka yet! So now I feel like I have t oget them on board with all of this - I have just emailed some divorce lawyers as I want to do this properly from the outset but I think I'm pretty sure I'm done with his lies and the way he talks to me. 3 different therapists told me that is abuse but I never believed them and when I told him what they said he just called them names. The fact he didn't even read the entire email I sent him to me means he really doesn't care does he? He pretends he does and says and does what he needs to to look like a hard working middle class father, but really he's a liar! I do feel really confused about it all but I know I don't want to be told to eff off anymore. The other night I went into the room he was sleeping in to check the internet and he was still awake and said "oh I thought you were coming to see me" when I said no i was going to bed he got mad and threw his phone. He gets mad that I don't want sex anymore - why would I want sex with someone who slams doors, throws plates of curry and punches tables while telling me to eff off and all infront of his daughter?!

It is really difficult for children to grow up in the same time as with an alcoholic. Your daughter should come first. Your husband is a grownup and can look after himself; your daughter is not and her needs are the priority over your husband's.

As far as asking him to leave, it sounds you are living in your parents' home, so that discussion should should should be with all four of you present, so your husband know it is not just you, but that all adults in the household agree that his behavior is not ok and that he needs to move. I've seen some here at SR stipulate that the alcoholic / addict go into a treatment program, maintain sobriety, and work a recovery program for the minimum of a year, but to be honest, in my experience, neither my XABF or deceased AH were willing or able to do any of these things.

It does sounds if your family of origin has not had much experience with alcoholism or codependency, and for you I think learning as much as you can and having healthy support systems will be very important. There are many resources at SR on the "stickies," in the resource library, and of course, you can click on any user avatar and read posts to hear our stories. Unfortunately, many of us have similar stories, and many of us have had experienced what turns out not to be so unique experiences.

My parnets leave in 1 month - I wonder if I should do this before or after they go? I'll be all alone here in a big house in the woods basically and I don't know anyone here because we only moved here when covid hit. My child is often sick and bedbound all winter :( And now I'll be all alone dealing with it. I could go with them to Costa Rica, but I would need to give my 4lb dog a rabies shot to bring her with us, and I really don't want to do that. I've become VERY strong and resilient these past few years so I guess I'll figure it out. I don't even know how to run the snowblower and we can get 2 feet of snow in one dump here. I never should have married him.

Thank you. We do know many alcoholics and there are a few in our family too but they are like really bad alcoholics not like my husband. I don't think my parents would want to get involved in asking him to leave - they've not seen enough yet to feel that strongly about kicking him out ... I could wait for a few more outbursts to see if they came on side.

I did tell him earlier via message that I no longer trust anything he says, nor do I respect him so why would he even want to be with me either?! It's stupid to be with someone who doesn't like you trust you or respect your opinion on basicallyanything!

It sounds as if the sooner the better. You don't want to continue to expose your child to this, and having the support of your family while you go through this transition would be valuable.

You are strong and resilient. You already know what to expect if you stay over the winter. Perhaps make up a list of pros and cons for each alternative location and see which feels the most comfortable? It does sound as if you will need to make some decisions as you'll want to do some logistical planning, especially with winter coming soon. Perhaps you may also add to your lists in which locations your daughter will get the best medical and social / educational support. Perhaps this might also involve a heartfelt discussion with your parents about what they feel would be healthy family dynamics and what they feel they can and cannot offer in terms of helping you and your daughter.

Thank you - oh I know he won't stop. I didn't even ask him to stop - if he has been doing it for 10 years he won't stop that's for sure! I don't even care if he wants to drink some vodka a few times a week - I just care about the way he speaks to my daughter and I, punches things, swears, slams etc etc. And now I'm thinking they are likely linked?

I have spent the last year or more emotionally disconnecting from him - I no longer react to his outbursts. For years I got really sad, then mad and screamed - now I look at him and say "you are being insane" and walk away and go about my day as though he isn't even there.

why would you not want your dog to have a rabies shot? I think that is a basic just about everywhere.

She is only 4lbs and they give her the same dose as a 200lb dog - it could make her very sick. I know many of her breed who got sick after it.

re codependency - I don't think I have that issue. I've strengthened myself up after going through major trauma re my child's illness and as I say, I have spent a year or 2 emotionally detaching from him. I don't feel dependent on him except for things around the house that are physically difficult for me to do. I love nothing more than at night, him to sit in the livingroom and me to sit on the sunporch and for him to just leave me alone :) Healthy marriage!

I would think that getting him out of the house as soon as possible is your best bet, so you actually won't be alone there for the next few weeks.

I can't think of a better way to say this - but it doesn't really matter if your parents think you shouldn't divorce him or not (but I think, from what you said, you already know this). I also wouldn't avoid letting them know IF you want to, his secrets are not yours to keep. While you may not have to go in to every story, the fact that he is an alcoholic might make them understand better (but again, that's all up to you, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone, of course).

When I spoke of telling him your parents didn't want him in their house anymore and them being on board, I just meant they would back you up if they had to, no confrontation between them should be necessary.

Once you get the tenant issue sorted out, this will give you space to get everything sorted in your own time.

I'll speak to my parents as soon as I can get any privacy with them! I sent him this big email on Sept 1st and today is the 7th - nearly a full week and he hasn't mentioned it nor replied nor have I seen him do anything I asked him to. They were simple requests - admit you have a depression or some sort of issue (because he always screams "I'm fine!"), make a doctors appointment and consider prozac and get treatment for your psoriasis which is flaring up, make another attempt with the cpap machine becaus ei thought maybe his exhaustion cuased the outbursts - just a few things like that and to not drink vodka on Saturday night at my family get together. So he has done NOTHING and he did drink the vodka so when i asked him why he said he didn't know I asked him not to as he didn't read the email!! Then today I notice the rum bottle looks like another 2 inches is gone - I asked him and he denied it but I said "see the issue is now I do not believe a word you say" and told him he was lying aobut that rum too! I don't drink rum and my dad wouldn't go into my closet and take rum! So that only leaves 1 person. So he's still lying and is not even discussing doing anything to make any of this better and now his initial upset over being caught is all gone so if he did nothing within that first day or 2 to prove he would try to stop being like this then he won't ever do it. So that's me pretty much decided I am done and he needs to find somewhere else to live. My daughter is doing virtual school and is always here though so it is very difficult for us to speak about any of this. I'm on the verge of sending a whatsap basically saying what I typed above. Last he said anything was 2 wks ago before I found the vodka and after he told my dad to Eff off and his solution was he was going to go to the gym lol! So you can barely stay awake all day and do a physical job 11 hrs a day and are exhausted and now you'll add the gym in and that'll fix everything. He's an idiot clearly!

I will look into any tenancy issue, but I don' tthink there is an issue with that. We are staying here for free ....

All these health issues are secondary / comorbid to the alcoholism. If he were to go through detox, remain sober, and commit to recovery, some of the other health issues might resolve, but to slap a bandaid on each health issue without addressing the alcoholism is just that, slapping on bandaids that are going to come right off.

Alcoholism is progressive. It never gets better, it always gets worse. Your husband's current health issues will continue to get worse, and the only way to fix this is to treat the alcoholism.

Many of us at SR including myself have seen escalating violence with slamming and breaking things. That escalates into physical violence. It escalates, and does not improve, if the alcoholism and domestic violence aren't both treated. For your daughter's sake, as well as your own, get this out of your home ASAP.

I can't speak for a healthy marriage since both of mine were distinctly not healthy. I would definitely say that what you are experiencing is not healthy. It is good that you are self - sufficient and able to spend time with your own interests and pursuits, you will need this resiliency.

I would say that managing the health appointments for your husband, and saying it's ok for him to drink sometimes, just not as much, are both codependent and enabling. For an alcoholic no amount of alcohol is ok, ever. It's understandable to not want to admit codependent or enabling behaviors; that was a hard one for me to face. I've found though that when I'm most resistant to something, the more I dig in my heels, the more of a problem there is, and that I have to face and work on that problem. So learning as much as you can about codependency and enabling behaviors will be really helpful.