New here and need support.
 

Please help- I am in a position where I logically know I’ve done the right thing but equally feel horrendous and keep questioning myself.

ive been with my ABF for just over a year and we’ve had so many conversations about his drinking. He doesn’t drink every night but when he does, (nearly every weekend), he drinks to excess, passing out on the sofa or hitting walls or depressive. We have a big row in the morning, he makes the promises and then has one weekend off the drink, declares he doesn’t have a problem & we’re right back to it.

it’s all come to a head this weekend when he’d promised (again) he wouldn’t get drunk at our work event on Saturday but as the day approached, he started rationalising it to himself- he’d paid his money so why shouldn’t he drink, it was just me stopping him etc. We had another row where he went out the night before, got drunk & then came home shouting at me & punched a wall. I went to my parents for the weekend and he still went to our work event- got so drunk he couldn’t stand.

i came home yesterday & told him I don’t want to do this anymore- I can’t live like this. He started crying and begging, which he’s never done before. We rent a house together & neither can afford to leave right now but his parents have a spare room, he just doesn’t want to go back. I think he thinks if he just hangs around, I’ll eventually forgive him.

I’m just sad. And defeated. And frustrated. I love the bones of the man but I can’t believe his promises anymore. I’m annoyed at myself for even getting into this situation. And I still think about staying.

Any and all support welcome- thanks for the rant x

Welcome aboard hopeyred :)

I know its painful but standing by your boundaries is the right thing for you to do for yourself.

I hope your partner reaches a point soon where he wants to change.

D

This is the person he is today. He is showing you who he is. What kind of employers do you have that host an 'all you can DRINK' party? No one cut him off? That's pretty outrageous.

A person doesn't have to drink every day to be an alcoholic. Someone who can't stop once he's started falls into that category too.

The whole purpose of dating as an adult is so you can find out if the two of you have enough in common to make a life together. You are seeing now what that life would be. It sounds like this is not the life you want. It's perfectly okay to forgive someone and not have him/her part of your life.

I'll reiterate what Dee said about standing by your boundaries being the right thing to do for yourself, and even go a step farther to say it is also the right thing to do for him. Every human has a right to the consequences of their actions. It's the only way we learn and grow.

It was organised by someone from our work place to go to the races and he arrived already drunk and carried on drinking. I was supposed to go but wouldn't because I was obviously trying to distance myself from him and that behaviour. I keep trying to remind myself that this just isn't what I want for myself at all.

First, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s even more complicated by the fact that it seems you work at the same place? That adds a whole other dimension of risk. Some companies and cultures have a “boys will be boys” mentality where it’s all great fun that a guy has a drinking problem, not that he will ever be taken all that seriously as an employee. Other companies will only put up with it for so long.

And I assume they know that you two are a couple. Sadly and unfairly, in many places, (I’m assuming you’re female, so correct me if otherwise), women who continue to hang on with the drunk boys’ mascot are judged more harshly than he ever is. He’s a laugh, but you must be a pushover. That affects your career as well as your personal life.

It’s not going to change. All you can do is focus on what you can do about your life. Can you save up toward having your own place? Move in with a friend for a while?

I send you hopes for clarity and strength.

:grouphug:

Hopey.....he is in denial about his drinking and the effects on himself and others. Denial is a thick--thick--brick wall. You can turn yourself into a pretzel with talking, arguing, crying, ranting and raving---and it won't make a dent in the brick wall of denial. It is much stronger than you are.
Alcoholism is progressive---it always gets worse over time, unless it is interrupted by permanent and complete abstinence. It doesn't sound like he rolls with the concept of complete abstinence..
Think of what your life and mental health will look like, this time, next year--after another year of living like this. Think about 2 or 3 or 5 years from now. Alcoholism, left unchecked, will destroy the alcoholic, of course---AND, it also damages all of those who are close to them.

We all do understand that it is painful to end a relationship...it can hurt lilke h**l. But, you will grieve and get past the pain. If you stay involved---the pain never ends, as it just gets worse and worse over time.

I call this the "Short-term pain for the Long-term Gain". Sadly, some people stay in the painful situation forever, because they are too afraid of the short-term pain.

My former employer. Every year for upper management.

hi hope, well, it's not a very good situation to be in and I'm sorry you are. It does happen though and there are some things you can do to make your life better.

This is a waste of your time and energy. He will quit drinking the moment he wants to and not before. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). What are you boundaries around this. If you won't live with a person with a drinking problem then you won't. If that is your boundary, then he will have to move. Boundaries are for you, not him, they are completely within your power.

No he probably doesn't want to, but that's a bit beside the point. You aren't willing to live with a drinker, he isn't willing to quit, you are at an impasse. He may not want to go camp at his parents house but that may well be what needs to happen.

There is a saying around here - you don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

You might find this thread helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html

Also, the stickies section at the top of this forum has a lot of good information as well, in particular this section, Classic Reading, found under the "About Recovery" link:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

Euchiche, I get the impression that many employers' parties are no longer covering booze (you may be able to *buy* it) because of the liability.

Thank you! This was actually really really helpful. I’ve been in pieces all evening as I have finally convinced him to move out (my job is much more secure & he can’t afford to live here single) but he’s essentially cried all evening & reaffirmed how much he loves me etc.

that thread is helping me not crack.

Thank you so much- I’m actually in a stronger position than him at work in that I work in a school and I am a teacher whereas he is contracted in as a maintenance man. The oroblem I have is that everyone at work only sees him sober & thinks hes amazing. This is the first time anyone’s seen this side of him which equally mortified me & made me feel glad that maybe people would understand when I left.

Hopeyred,
My daughter just had a similar experience with her ABF. They had rented an apartment together and he was going off the rails with his drinking.
In my daughter's situation, she was able to get him out and keep the apartment. She tells me how thankful she was to get out of that relationship. She had gone so far as to have him move into the spare room and just do the "roommate" thing, trying to be "compassionate" and sympathetic to him. His drinking didn't get better and it affected his job and soon would hers. She said she had a split-second vision of what life would be like living with him as they argued over "why" his drinking was a problem, she was certain that wasn't the future she wanted. Sending hugs and positive mojo your way to figure it out. YOU control your destiny. Seize it and live.

hopeyred.....the crying and professions of love can be a great pulling on your heartstrings...and, his feelings may, indeed be real and he may mean them when he is saying them. The question for you, as I see it, is this------is he capable to the responsibilities of a relationship and to a commitment to another person. I say that the answer to that would be that he isn't.
First of all--he can't even see the consequences of alcoholism behaviors---he doesn't even see it as a "thing"---he is blinded by the denial.
Second of all---he doesn't recognize that he is helpless over the alcohol---which is the very crux of alcoholism. An alcoholic cannot quit after they have the first drink. He probably thinks that he could rely on will power only and that he can do some kind of controlled drinking. He will be blind to the fact that he can't---no matter how many promises he makes to you. His love and your love won't change that.

Go by what you know----not what he says.
Around here, we say to go by actions---not words.

Thank you everybody- I have found these forums, your words and the words of others to be an actual lifeline. He is currently packing his stuff to leave our home so I have made myself scarce for the day. As much as I know I need to be strong with this, equally watching him leave will break me in two.

That is a really tough day. You could leave I suppose or just steel yourself. When he actually leaves (and you get your keys back!) you might want to just go to another room. Take care of yourself.

Yes, it will break you in two. But in time, when the tension and the fear and the uncertainty of what each day might bring is gone, you will realize that you are mending; that you are strong enough to handle the disappointment and shattering of your dreams. You'll move on eventually, rebuild a better life and hopefully, without addiction darkening your life.