Fiance found romance in rehab and I'm going crazy!
 

My girlfriend/fiance is in her second rehab program. The first she didn't take seriously and relapsed instantly. This time it seems to be working and has been there for 70 days. The other day, I mistakenly logged into her iMessage on my iPad and found this guy constantly texting her. A lot of "I love you", "Babe", etc and etc. Apparently, he didn't text her for more than a few minutes and she seemed irritated that he was being so quiet. As I'm watching this in real-time, I see they're sneaking off somewhere, kissing and then she sends him texts about "wanting more" and "still wet" and "maybe I'll finish myself off later, I did twice yesterday." My blood boils and I confront her about it. I've had suspicions about this guy for almost a month because of some odd shirtless selfies of him sent to her. She said he was gay. Obviously that was a lie. Obviously, they developed a romantic connection. She said it was just kissing and was just a few times. I'm of course paranoid now and their texting stops. She then moves to WhatsApp where I can't see her texts and she hasn't used for months until now.

A week goes by and then I see this guy's girlfriend texting my fiance threatening her. So now this dude's girlfriend, who is apparently married with kids, is confronting my girlfriend. This is turning into an actual episode of Jerry Springer. Meanwhile, I'm in the military in Japan and this is all happening in Florida. Stupidly, I contacted the other woman and she shares with me how messed up this guy is. Violent, should be in jail for multiple DWI's, dead-beat dad who's kids are in S. Caroline while he lives with his dad in New Jersy and who's paying for this. She also shares her texts and emails with me from him. So while he's telling my woman how much he loves her and talking to his friends about her being his "special friend," (what is this, Junior High?) he's begging his girlfriend (who's married) to stay with him and he's fighting for her. I just can't stand it at this point and go to my girlfriend and tell her what a scumbag he is. She's immediately pissed that I was talking to his girlfriend. At this point I don't care, I'm more concerned for her safety. She defends this guy in rehab, saying that his girlfriend is just crazy and lying. I finally share what this guy's girlfriend shared with me and it starts to dawn on her she's being played.

She told me he was leaving this Tuesday and then after talking to this douchbag's girlfriend, that wasn't the case. This guy actually calls me and tries to explain that he won't involve himself with my girl and that he cares about her. He admits though that he and my girl colluded to lie to me that he was leaving so I'd "feel better." The lies just kept piling up.

From the moment I caught her, she said she was sorry, but I kept catching her in lies. Moving to different messaging platforms (she admitted she was talking to him), to him lying about the nature of his situation back home, to her defending him saying he's really not that bad of a guy and "just a friend," to her using the excuse that the kissing and teasing was "just an outlet," and then to the lies about him leaving when he actually wasn't.

I've forgiven her and am trying to get over it. But I know she's still talking to him over text messages over whatever app she can use now. And it's driving me crazy. I've loved her for 4 years and I feel like she's in some sort of high school summer camp where everybody gets to have their "rehab boyfriend/girlfriend," and ignore real life that's sitting outside those walls and waiting for them.

I'm sorry for the rant, but what should I do? She wants to come home, but I've got three kids from a previous marriage, her previous drinking has caused a lot of damage, I have a very patient ex-wife whose patience is wearing very thin and has real legal leverage over me if my girlfriend implodes, and who's also resisting going to sober living after this. And now this? My nerves are frayed. Is this "romance/special friendship" something real that I should worry about? Is she telling me the truth about her putting boundaries around this guy? He's a snake charmer and I feel she's falling for it. Should I trust her? She finally started wearing the ring I gave her when I proposed. She said she didn't before because she was afraid of it getting stolen. Maybe she's realizing she doesn't want to lose me. She begged me not to give up on her but the lies just kept coming. Should what they did even matter? Is this incident an indication that her recovery isn't going as well as she has said it's been and I shouldn't trust her back in my home with my kids. She has no legal right to my house or property so if she insists on coming home, that may be a serious crossroads for us.

Thanks for listening. I haven't talked to anyone who is a loved one of an addict. I live in a very successful world where no one supposedly has problems. Of course that's all ******** but it's not acceptable to talk about these things in my professional world.

Sorry to hear of this chaos in your life. Glad you are here expressing it and getting some relief.

You are asking what you should do. Whether you take her back into your home is up to you? Have had enough of all this yet or would you like to continue a bit longer?

I was married to an addict who died from his addiction, it does not get better, the craziness gets worse.

I was afraid someone would say this but I knew it was going to be said. I'm an optimist. I thought she'd find purpose and change. I never knew an addict before but about a year in, I started suspecting something was wrong. She has a past of always needing attention from men and it always bothered me. I thought it was just her survival mode and that she wouldn't need that with me. But I've always known it was part of her addictive personality. So here we are. That was my next question. Do they ever really get better? I've got three great kids and a great life. Will she ever be able to live a healthy life where we lift each other up, not where I'm trying to rescue a drowning victim while they pull me down with her?

The hardest part about this is that I know there's a real possibility that at some point, I'm going to have to turn my back and swim away to save myself and let her either swim on her own or drown. And I don't get the impression that the success rate is very good in this situation. That thought tears my heart out. But what good am I to my children if I go down with her?

I hear you. We all hope they will recover.

There are many many stories here generously shared by members. Perhaps if you have a read around, it might give you a clearer picture.

Sadly addictions usually worse as the person goes along.

Recovery is possible. I am an alcoholic with about 11 years sober but boy, it was and still is an ENORMOUS amount of work. On a daily basis. It is not just about stopping the substance or behaviour, that is just the first part. The hardest and ongoing part is changing mindset, outlook, getting new coping techniques etc.

Sending warm wishes of support to you

Sometimes people get better. It's usually when they throw themselves into recovery and a lifelong plan with everything they have.

If she's gone to rehab and just found a person to replace the alcohol, then it doesn't sound like she's throwing herself into recovery.

But just so you're aware, recovery isn't a magic balm to fix a relationship. If you have never known her sober, she may not be someone you want to be in a relationship with. You may not be someone she wants to be in a relationship with. Recovery is selfish and may not leave her any emotional space for a relationship. There are about a million unknowns in circumstance of recovery that neither one of you can predict--and on top of that, unless she is willing and ready to work that recovery for the rest of her life, she will always be one drink away from relapse and picking up right where she left off.

But since it sounds like you're not dealing with a true recovery situation anyway, that isn't relevant yet.

The best thing you can do right now is focus on yourself, what losing or keeping this relationship would mean for you, and figuring out how to be the best dad you can be to those kids, who have a lot less choice about who is a part of their lives than you do. Growing up with an alcoholic role model (or a codependent one, for that matter) is pretty much the worst thing kids can endure in childhood and it will follow them in all of their interpersonal relationships until they eventually are forced to deal with it. Ask me how I know.

You have a lot to lose.
Neither she nor her paramour are taking this incredible opportunity seriously. Some one (family, the state government, -someone) has paid for detox/rehab and the two of them are just throwing that away instead of appreciating what was given them.

If someone came into a huge amount of money and blew it on - I don't know - parties and a house they couldn't afford to maintain, would that look like a good partner to you?

If a person with no transportation was given a car to get to work, and refused to maintain it, left the windows open when it rained, got caught speeding often or doing other dangerous things, is that someone you'd want to hitch your wagon to?

Her value system is not your value system. Does that generally make for good partnerships?

Dear Case
You MUST put your children first. This should be your focus.
Your (ex) girlfriend has made her choices in life. You and your kids rank way down on her scale of priorities, below alcohol and flings with other guys.

"When people show you who they are, believe them."

Sorry you're going through this. There are a lot of words of wisdom from members on this site. I can hear you care for her very much, and you hold out hope that she will recover and change. Now, having hope is a good thing, without hope what else do we have? BUT putting your hope in someone fighting an addiction, hoping they will finally get it together...very risky. There is not much you can do about her recovery. Its her choice.

You feel heartbroken and betrayed by her interactions with the other guy. Rightfully so. Its quite clear that she's up to no good. Sadly it sounds like she doesn't have much consideration for your feelings. Her attention and thoughts are clearly elsewhere. You should hold yourself in a place of self worth and self respect and not have your mind occupied with what she is or isn’t doing/thinking/feeling. You only get one shot in this life, make the most of it - too many people spend too much time being unhappy. Don't do yourself disservice. From an outsiders perspective, I would consider moving on. Save yourself the pain of discovering any other lies. The sun will rise tomorrow, with or without her. Its up to you to figure out what you're willing to tolerate. I hope this helps - its my opinion anyway. Wishing you all the very best.

Case, I wanted to second what a lot of good people have said so far. People can and do have healthy, fulfilling lives despite battling addiction. However, it’s not like a flu where you get better and then “it’s gone” and won’t come back. Or where starting treatment is a reliable indicator that things will get better. It’s more like trying to put a chronic illness, or cancer, into remission. It will be a lifelong commitment, and as so many people here know, it has to be her committing to care for herself. Recovery is a lot of work that you don’t get to take a break from doing. She has to know that the work is worth it, even when it’s really hard or sucks. And if she is doing recovery for anyone else, at the hardest/lowest points of life she might doubt why she is sticking with it.

Our loved ones can still hurt us on the journey to long-term recovery, and often unintentionally, but the recovery has to take first priority (even over relationships) especially at the start. Is there a “line” for you, where even if she does get better longterm, she’s hurt you too much along the way to reconcile? And if that’s not what you want, what can you do to protect yourself and your family now so she can’t hurt you so much that there’s no return? We can’t control how hard or long or complicated the recovery process is for our loved ones. We can just control how safe WE are at the time.

Everyone has given you great feedback, so I’ll just emphasize: your kids need you.

If you didn’t have children and wanted to lose a few more years waiting for this woman to get to the point where you finally walk away, that’s okay, you’re an adult. You can make your own choices.

But having this woman around your kids? Oh, no. It’s bad enough that they’re watching you put up with so much. I hope they’re young enough and there’s enough distance that they’re protected from the worst of it. But your ex is right to not be happy. Adults model life for kids…I know you don’t want them to grow up thinking addiction and lying and chaos is okay, right?

I would bet money she’s sleeping with her rehab guy, who sounds like someone you really don’t want in your life even second hand (or third, or a hundredth), let alone your kids’ lives. All the lies are just lies and if she comes home? You’re going to have this violent guy and his violent girlfriend and a ton of drama taking over your life.

Optimism can be a great thing. In this case, maybe you can be optimistic that you can find someone else who would actually appreciate you and be a good influence on your kids?

Wishing you strength and clarity.

case762
I've been deployed and know it sucks. Time to let the tears flow and this woman go. It WILL be the best decision of your life. What little 'JS' life you have seen is only the beginning. Save yourself there are other women who are worth your time and will appreciate you.

AG

Hi case and welcome. When I read your post and saw this part I thought - too bad it all didn't end there.

Everything after that is just a muddle of their drama making. No, she's not in recovery (I doubt he is either but he's kind of beside the point I suppose). Some guy comes along and strokes her ego and she's off and running. She said it was only kissing but hey, the guy said they colluded to lie to you, no reason to believe she wasn't lying earlier too. Besides, is your girlfriend kissing another guy ok? And the texts?

I wouldn't trust, at this point, one word she says. Trust is earned. Also, how can you "forgive" her for something that is continuing? It's like if someone wrongs you and apologizes then turns around and does it again. What is the original apology good for? It's meaningless and is probably just a stop gap measure to assuage their guilt (and make the other person quiet for the moment).

You have children, please don't let her move right back in. That so seems like a disaster in the making. Active alcoholics make terrible parents as I'm sure you know at this point and she needs a lot more time before she will be on that road (assuming she wants to be on that road at all). I'm sure your kids have been through enough. Sober living for her sounds like a great idea (whether she wants to or not isn't actually your problem - that's hers to sort out).

You are not responsible for her you know? She is a grown person and ideally she needs to be able to look after herself and should really want to. A year of solid sobriety and recovery (working on issues) is usually a good marker for when you might consider having her move back in (if you decide to do that).

Thank you, everyone. It's been just refreshing to hear everyone's perspective even though it doesn't always paint a pretty picture. I'd prefer an unpleasant truth to a pleasant lie. I get the sense she's sorry and wants to move forward. She's been more talkative and affectionate with me. Shows me she's wearing her ring now, etc. She's changed all her passwords and in a normal relationship, that wouldn't matter. But this is the catch 22 that's driving me crazy. It seems like she's hiding something but maybe she's not anymore and wants to straighten herself out but I'll never really know. The recent events don't give me a reason to trust her. Should I ask her to share her password? That just seems controlling and not the person I want to be. But if she wants and expects me to continue this relationship with her, especially with my own life to think about and given that addicts are manipulative and the recent events give me a reason to not trust, should I be allowed to hold her accountable?

I think to know if she's really back on track to recovery after this circus and if she wants me to be her anchor, I'm gonna need something to show I can trust her. I just don't know what that should be. The only thing I can think of is more access to her and what's really going on. I'm just very conflicted about her wanting to talk about getting back on track and getting married and etc, etc while I don't feel I trust her very much at the moment.

If you do not trust her right now, then you don’t trust her. Full stop. No amount of password sharing (which *is* incredibly controlling, yes) will alter that—only time and action will earn her your trust. It can’t be forced.

Moreover, if she is embracing recovery, she will understand that the loss of trust is a result of her choices. She will be patient and understand that your relationship, if it is to survive, may unfold on a different timeline than before.

If she is pushing too far, too fast, then she isn’t ready for a mature and healthy relationship. She just wants to avoid doing the work that it will take to earn one.

Run fast

😂 Sorry, I shouldn't laugh but that was funny.

Yes, timeline. Nailed it on the head. I just am not the kind of person that wants to be or needs to be controlling like that. This whole thing has turned me into a basket case. I'll get home and focus on my kids and my life and if she has embraced recovery as she should, then it'll work itself out. But she just can't walk back into my life and live under my roof with my children until I'm comfortable with where she's at. I know that's going to be hard for her to accept but this isn't my fault that this is where we're at. And if those terms are not acceptable to her, then I guess that's it. It's not like I'm going to marry the first person I meet (she might though lol) and maybe in a year or two if she's really changed, there's a chance. Hopefully she accepts the terms and accepts responsibility for her actions.

The biggest eye-opener to me about all this, well two things, is that recovery is a lifelong process and just the lengths addicts will go to manipulate and lie about the real problems. Just a lot to handle and may go beyond my limits.

As they say, better to have loved and lost than to have lived with the psycho for the rest of your life.

"As they say, better to have loved and lost than to have lived with the psycho for the rest of your life."

This made me laugh out loud :)

Great wisdom shared here! Your last post sounded very healthy- for you and your
children, who really need and deserve all your attention.

She is not in recovery, is not taking her relationship with you seriously, has taken
away any trust you hold for her, and is talking a good talk. Its actions, actions and actions
that count and really have any significance. Look at hers. RUN.

Hey, if you can survive this with your sense of humor intact, you’re a strong individual. Good for you!

You seem to be a straightforward person. Okay, so here’s the deal…statistically, the odds that she is going to come out of rehab and stay in recovery are about 4-5%. Those are not great odds, especially as this is her second stint in rehab and after 70 days there what she’s mostly been doing with her time there, apparently, is cheating on you.

This is a key sentence in your first post….

She shouldn’t come home. She needs to go to a sober house, for your kids’ wellbeing first and foremost, but also not least because she’s violated your trust. I suspect her sudden change of heart may be related to her wanting to come home, where she can do what she wants, instead of going into a sober house environment where she would be held accountable.

There are many truisms around here…the first is, if you want to know if someone is really in recovery, tell them “no.” Tell her she can’t come home until she’s been at a sober living facility for six months, minimum. You may well find out what’s really behind her supposedly new attitude.

Second truism…”more will be revealed.” It will. But, especially as you’re overseas and can’t see what’s going on with your own eyes, the top priority has to be keeping her addiction from affecting your children and keeping her potentially violent paramour (and his potentially violent friends and family) out of your house and your life. I suspect he’s not done with her nor her with him.

I’m so very sorry you’re having to deal with this on top of being deployed. That’s a lot of stress at once. I hope you can work on detaching from the situation a bit and maybe, at least, the distance might give you some perspective that being right in the middle of the tornado would not.

I wish you well.

ETA: So while I was typing that, you had already come to the same conclusion. You know, your instincts are really good…trust your gut, yes?

:c011:

I am not sure how you can get past this in a positive way. Okay, first things first: By asking her to be open will not resolve the issue and make you trust her. Even if you have all passwords in the world, you cannot prevent the other person doing what they want to do. What she's done is not about you, its about her, about what she wants. Trying to control her behavior is all but pointless.

Faith and trust is something that has to be earned but once lost is lost. I know its not what you want to hear, and I applaud you for having good intentions, but just remember every (and I mean every) time she's on the phone, your mind is going to go back there. You'll always be suspicious, and long term that behavior is toxic and exhausting. Be wise and think with your head and not your heart. Good luck.

In AA, they say that alcoholism is a spiritual problem. I believe that codependency is also. In my worldview as a Catholic Christian, this takes on amazing implications. Some of our priest exorcists have given talks on Youtube about people who got possessed just because they are alcoholics.

If you focus on your kids and your own recovery, you will be fine. Part of my own recovery has involved taking a very hard, honest look at why I was attracted to certain people. The ones I have historically been attracted to have all been alcoholics.

Recovery involves a "re-wiring" job in our own heads and hearts.

All the best to you and your kids, friend. We are here to support you.

This is all the clarity you need right here.

Protect your children first, and of course your own heart.

Yes, she may spiral down, all of the addicts we love do...and the famous saying which you perfectly pictured is, "Let Go or Be Dragged."

I think the false idea we get is that by staying involved with an addict we will somehow help them or prevent that drowning. And in so doing we will prevent the great heartache and guilt we will feel if they get worse without us in their lives. Humans get in lots of trouble (including becoming addicts!) when we believe we can avoid grief in some way, or when we believe we are powerful over other people and can change them.

The reality is that another person's recovery is really beyond our scope and is all on them. 100%. If this is how this woman behaves in rehab, and knowing what we all know on here statistically about addiction, I would say chances are very high that you will be in for a terrible, heartbreaking, lonely, and frustrating ride in this relationship. Not to mention the damage it will do to your kids to be influenced by the dynamic addiction brings to the household (read around the Adult Children of A's forum :-( on here).

The past is gone. You are free in this moment.

Peace,
B

Yes, you are certainly well grounded about this. i know it's really hard, it hurtful!

Yes, you don't want to be the accounts police.

Being conflicted about wanting to talk about getting back on track. Well, those may be her ideas and she is, of course, entitled to them. Of course that doesn't mean those are your ideas. I would, personally, be very, very specific with her about how this is going to go for the time being. That she can't move back in, that in your opinion sober living seems like a great option for her recovery and that you can review all that after say, six months.

She was in rehab before, she's just had another stint but as you know, rehab is not a cure-all. It's a start only, and intro to being sober, starting recovery. She will either stay the course or not but you have no idea what that will be right now.

Trust will be earned over time by actions, not words. She is where she says she will be, she does what she says she will do. If you plan something, she's there - she is reliable, caring.

As you are deployed are the children with their Mother and therefore your gf would be at your house alone?

Being out of the country, I have a recommendation, I would have the locks changed on your house now. Perhaps they could leave the new keys with your ex-wife?

Case, there have been many wonderful comments on this post, and I am glad that you are committed to putting your children first.
I just want to add my own experience for what it's worth. I left my alcoholic boyfriend and kept him out of my life for over a year...left him to his recovery, and took care of myself and my children. He was serious about his recovery and about me, and after a year...we began to date again...no living together. We finally did move in together a few years after that, and we now have a wonderful life together. He now has 11 years of recovery. It can happen, and I am forever grateful for the time I gave myself. He loved me and himself enough to respect my boundaries, and to do the work to make his life better in so many ways.
Leave your girlfriend to her recovery or lack thereof...the merry-go-round life with an active alcoholic is just awful, and will hurt you and your children for years to come!
Stay strong...tell her no...if she is serious about you and about recovery...it will be revealed by her actions over time...a long time.

I'm currently suffering from the effects of a common mental disorder found mostly among humans: Compassion. If I turn her out for this incident, she has nowhere to go, will most likely relapse and I'll have to watch this disaster while she gathers up the physical remains of her life that she has built under my roof. I know it's not the objective thing to say, but it's too much for me to watch. Is there any way to compromise and allow her back in the home but give it a trial period of say, a year, where she is doing regular meetings and therapy sessions individually, and maybe as a couple? I know I could use some time with a therapist to work out the feelings I've had about being involved in this whole process, and I'd like to do that both individually and with her in the room so maybe she can confront the damage she's done. Can I still provide for her while somehow isolating her so that she can do as much of this recovery on her own? She's a flight attendant, whose on leave for this. There is no way on god's green earth she can return to that job and be successful in her recovery. And she wants to quit because she knows that. Maybe that's a good sign she's committed, despite the recent setbacks. If I turn her out, she'll go back to that job because she needs the income, and I guarantee her recovery will fail.

I mean, setbacks are part of this, right? This was a setback. I have to protect my kids first, and I'm racking my brain how I can do that while not signing her death warrant. And don't addicts need support? I'm pretty much it in her life. I know what I'm saying probably sounds foolish to the objective observer. But is there a way to provide the strength she needs from someone who loves her while keeping her recovery isolated and my kids safe?

In my opinion, there is no way to “isolate” her recovery from your kids if they live in the same house with her.

There is a very fine line between what you are calling compassion and what I would call enabling.

She is likely more resilient and resourceful than you believe. Most addicts are. Recovery is an inside job, and if you provide a soft place to land, her motivation to get there might go out the window. She doesn’t need to be pampered into recovery; she needs to understand that her life and everything in it that is important to her is on the line. Maybe if you allow her the dignity of figuring this out on her own, she will blossom into the kind of person that it is healthy to be in a relationship with and expose your kids to.

it’s tempting to believe that we are the only thing that can save them. But that is part of *our* addiction, not their recovery.

".........while not signing her death warrant".

We can not cause it
we can not cure it
we can not control it

We do not have that kind of power over someone, we simply don't. Thinking we do
causes tremendous grief, sorrow and pain for ourselves and our children. And some
would say is an ego trip for us.

Has she no family for support? She has behaved so poorly and treated you with such
disrespect, I would want to see actions - for a year - showing she has committed to
recovery and can be a kind, respectful, honest and loving partner.

Compassion is wonderful, but what about compassion for you and your children?
You deserve compassion too. Ask any addict in true recovery - any and all
excuses, no matter how absurd, can be used to justify relapse.

I see that you’re doing exactly I was going to suggest…reading other threads on this board. The people here are much like you…wonderful, compassionate people who just want to help. Honestly, you won’t find a better bunch anywhere.

The problem is that all of those wonderful qualities…compassion, empathy, kindness…can lead us right into trying to fix other people’s problems. Especially people we love. And we’ll put up with a ton of crap if we can tell ourselves we’re helping. (For example: would you put up with her cheating on you with anyone, let alone some sketchy felon, if she weren’t an alcoholic?)

The single hardest thing to come to terms with is the reality that we can’t fix a problem that is strictly an inside job. They have to own it. And many times, being “supportive” just means they don’t have to own it for a little bit longer.

You say she would “have to” go back to being a flight attendant. There are other jobs, yes? I would think the airline, in particular, given that they’ve funded her rehab leave twice, IIRC, wouldn’t want her in that position anymore. It’s a lot more than just serving people drinks at 30,000 feet, as you know. Flight attendants are responsible for passenger safety and that’s a major responsibility. They may suggest another, less crucial position, like gate agent.

Or she could, like many, many people do, find another job, yes?

I hope you’ll keep reading here and see how very common your situation is and how many lovely people struggle for so long to make things different for someone else. I would particularly suggest you read posts by Woodland Lost and HardLessons…(I hope you guys don’t mind my mentioning you). They’re both like you…responsible, hard-working good guys who loved an addict and spent many years in that struggle. You may find wisdom in their experiences.

If she comes back into your home, it is more than likely to be more of the same. You might want to research tenant laws in your state, because in some places, getting someone out who has lived there for some time is almost impossible. Plot out the scenarios and see what your consequences might be, yes? Here’s one to think about: she comes back, things are bad…and she gets pregnant. What then?

Ultimately, this is your decision. But best to make that decision on the most educated basis possible, yes?

And above all, your kids come first. The can’t be subjected to living with the drama of active alcoholism in place where they need to feel safe.

Wishing you well…

Case, you are not that powerful, none of us is that powerful. It is only in the desire to get better, that she will do whatever it takes to be healthy and sober. You cannot do anything to help...you cannot do anything to make it worse. You can only do what is good for you and for your children, and in doing so, you leave your girlfriend with only herself to deal with her choices, and live with her consequences. Alcoholics who are not following a serious program of recovery will say and do anything to get what they want, and they don't care about anyone else. They are simply not able to. You cannot save her, but you can save yourself, and your young children. It's going to be ok. Stay strong.

There was a moment when I had left my alcoholic boyfriend and he texted me and said that he had nothing to live for....and I took a deep breath, and I replied, "Call your sponsor...he can help you. I cannot." And he did, and it was days later that he began his journey of recovery in earnest for the first time. I knew that if I tried to save him, I would certainly lose myself, and that I would only be prolonging the beginning of any recovery he might have.

I wish you the best, and I hope you will continue to read and share. We all know how hard this is, and how painful, and we are here to support each other.