Feel Broken
 

I have been with my other half for almost 8 years. Together, we have blended a family. Started a successful business. Bought a house. Made a life that I love.
He is a drinker. Not everyday, but often enough. He drinks to the point of being totally intoxicated. Slurring words, falling down. Sometimes (fairly often) after getting really drunk, he gets mean. The smallest thing sets him off, then he goes straight for the jugular. Says horrible, horrible things that cut me to the core. Of course, the next day it's all apologies- how he doesn't mean what he said and loves me, etc. When he is sober, I couldn't ask for a better partner in life, and I love him more then I ever thought it possible to love another human. I have told him that his words are hurtful. He knows this. I have told him that although I may forgive him, I NEVER forget. The words are always right there taunting me. After all these years, its starting to weigh on me. I feel so defeated and broken. I try to remind myself why he does what he does, (the alcohol, his childhood that he refuses to face, his upbringing and the buried anger)
I just don't understand how you can treat someone you say you love, the way he treats me after getting into the bottle?
Any words of wisdom to help me cope?
Thank you.

The answer to your dilemma is right there in your question - he does it because his mind is saturated with alcohol. He isn't himself. There's no reasoning with him, no communicating with him, and no predictability.

There is no way to cope because it's only going to get worse.

There's only one time in an alcoholic's life that things get better - when we quit drinking. Entirely.

It looks to me like you're being faced with some very unsettling life choices you need to make for yourself and your children while being direct with your partner at the same time. You can change your own life and his, but only to the point that you remove yourself from it.

What impact is this having on your children?
Verbal abuse is never acceptable. It will wear you down and erode your confidence.
Unless he can make positive steps to address this immediately, I would question his motivation to change.
You and your children do not deserve this.

Funny----I am going to give you the following link straight to the "sticky threads" that are just above the "regular threads" on the main page of this forum. It is to our library of classic reading articles---about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There are over 100 excellent articles, written by others who have walked in your shoes (loving an alcoholic). There are enough articles for you to read one every single day. There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power. By knowing about alcoholism and the nature and course of the disease, it can save you from a lot of heartbreak. Most of what you will need to know is very counter-intuitive.

For example----It is imperative that you know that there is no possibility of moderate drinking for the alcoholic. One drink is too much, and a hundred is not enough (a saying in alcohol recovery circles).
You need to know that a few weeks of not drinking is not the same as recovery. Unless the alcoholic is working a program of recovery diligently--(like AA)--and living by the principles, strictly, for the rest of their lives---relapse is practically inevitable. It takes anywhere from one to five years for an alcoholic to grasp firmly onto the recovery live style (depending on who you talk to). You should not believe any promises for at least one year of observed sobriety. Even alcoholics with years and years of recovery under their belts can relapse if they stray away from their program.
You should know that half measures and half promises are of little value. Just attending an AA meeting once a week or promising to see a counselor once a week is not enough involvement or support. A newly sober person needs to invest a lot---lot---of time and work. And, still, it is not easy.
He may not know any of this---and may be very resistant---but, it is Essential that you know it! You need to know what you are up against in order to protect yourself and your best interest.

Here is that link that I am talking about------------------------

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

****If you haven't read "Co-dependent No More", I recommend that you get a copy and read it. It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is easy to read and I think that it will resonate with you.

Sounds like my XAH. I was very codependent with him, not sure why as I have never been like that with anyone else but then I have never dealt with an functional alcoholic before. I put up with crap for years, never got better just got worse. I knew I didn't deserve any of it as it does break down your self esteem and it is hard to climb out of that crap that you are dealt with on a daily basis. I did make excuses such as he is an Alcoholic, he is just drunk, he doesn’t mean it, it will be better tomorrow, he will pass out soon. Marriage is a partnership and shouldn’t be about hoping he passes out soon, hoping it gets better tomorrow, hoping he will not be a mean drunk but a quiet one today. Leaving him was one of the best things I ever did in my life and looking back cannot believe I put up with that for 10 years and wasted 10 years of my life. Looking back I was defiantly going through the motions. I hope you find the strength to not put up with the emotional abuse any longer, drunk or not, drunk is not an excuse.