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I’m sorry but..... I’m scared. Hey everyone, it’s me... the lady who has a farm and an abusive ABF. Im sorry for the delay. It’s just such a hugely (and that’s an understatement) busy time of year. Baling hay, getting ready for the Fall Fest. It’s just crazy. Ive made a few contacts, trying to get legalities figured out. I’ve put word in with my attorney I used for my divorce 5 years ago. She’s advised me on a few things. I have reached out finally to a good friend who had no idea, even though she knew she didn’t like him - never has. I even spoke with a police officer and I will be sending her a vase of flowers tomorrow, she has no idea the level of comfort she gave me last night. I’ll explain. When I posted this a few weeks ago, I was asked if he were physically abusive. I was able to say No. I can’t say that anymore. :( I was in bed, it’s been the rule he’s not welcome in my room anymore for several weeks. I was laying there watching a movie, it was around Midnight. He decided to lay down next to me. He started just going off on me, one nasty thing after the next. Then he made a comment about my son, and that is what I don’t stand for. I stood up out of bed, and I said you need to leave my room at once. He refused. Told me he didn’t have to, that I was going to sit there and listen to him. I said no I’m not and I left the room. He followed me. Kept up saying stuff. I finally turned around, crying and said what more do I have to do to get you to shut up? He said I guess you’ll have to kill me. Disgusted, I pushed him out of my way, as he was blocking the doorway, and he swung back with his fist and nailed me right in the face/eye. I literally saw stars. I hoped and prayed their would be blood. Sadly none. I hoped and prayed the following day I’d wake up with a black eye. Nothing. I hate not bruising easily! Ok sorry, bad sense of humor, but I wanted proof. I ALMOST called the police. But I didn’t. Why? I don’t know. I’m scared. Last night. I was going to go get supper long day, didn’t feel like cooking. I got in my van and quickly he jumps in. Says he’s going too. I said no, I’d like to go alone if that’s ok. No it’s not ok. I’m not getting out either, so either you take me or we don’t go bc I’m not getting out of the van. Well we all know this man can sit in a vehicle for hours and not seem bored by it, so screw it. I’ll go. Went into restaurant. He’s drunk. He literally goes to bar to get his beer bc he has no patience to wait for waiters. This is common, but whatever. I get my food, he doesn’t even order food - just beer. He needs his second beer, asked for it and was told she’d get it. She came back and said the manager said you’re at your limit, no more beer - sorry. Well.... this was the second time this has happened to him in my presence now. He started fussing loudly. Then he gets up, slams out of the place. I had only had few bites. I was staying to finish. He came back in and started demanding I give him my car keys. I grabbed my purse and said sit down and be quiet. If you drive off that’s no good. I was speaking soft and quiet. He was LOUD. So he grabbed my purse from me and stormed out. Next thing the manager comes up to me to tell me he called the police. OH GREAT!!! I begged and pleaded to promise me he wouldn’t tell BF I was a part of that. I wasn’t! In fact I got up, went out to van and told him they called the police, now what? Thank god, he didn’t blame me for once. He said get in the car and let’s go. I said I have to go pay. I went inside and apologized as much as I can, but I said I have to go!!! I said you have no idea, he can hurt me. This was after I had been hit now pretty hard a few days prior. I was crying. They told me to go ahead and go, but they were worried for my safety. I said I am too, believe me. I left, I was pulling out and before I knew it there they were ... 3 cop cars, coming ... 1 from that way and 2 from the other. I said Forget it, I’m stopping. I stopped, they came up and were clearly worried about me. They even asked if I’d get out of the car and talk to them. I did. This is where I met the sweet woman. I told her I was afraid to do anything and I didn’t know what to do. I told her about him hitting me, she was so sympathetic and sorry. I said but I have no idea what to do. If I let you do whatever and he gets out, who knows what he will do. I’m scared. I truly am at this point. She gave me a few numbers to call. She also gave me her phone number and email address and told me to call anytime. I could tell they wanted me to do something, but I can’t help I’m afraid. I asked her, and at that time the other male cop, can they just please catch him driving drunk one day and let it happen like that. She said yea we can but you’ll need to alert us where to look and when. So I think maybe I’ll do that??!! I’m at my end. I seriously just want to disappear off the face of this earth. It will be easier and I won’t have to be scared. |
Call that lady NOW and get to a safe house. You are not to stay there a minute longer. This has gone on long enough. You must press charges. The emotional abuse alone is enough to get him off your property. He is TRESPASSING!!! Get your son and either run or call the lady and do something. He now knows you will allow a punch to the face. This will escalate. I'm sorry, but it's going to get so much worse. Please get out now or get him removed. |
I agree with milano, now that he knows there isn’t any consequences for striking you, he will do it again. when it happens again CALL the police. They will arrest him, then get an injunction. If he happens to post bail then he can not come in contact with you. I am so sorry, I know how scary this is. You are not responsible for his actions. He is. I urge you to call the police for any physical action he displays. And call the DV hotline, they can help calm your nerves. no one should live in fear. |
Hello sweetie. Reach out to the officer that was helpful. You really do have options. I have some similarities to you though I’ve not been hit. Abuse is soul killing and your intellect is sounding the alarm. Listen to it and reach out to those trained in helping women like us receive the help you need and deserve. You are worth it. Hugs and prayers for strength, courage, and safety. You are a strong woman, take care of you. |
You are worth so much more than that. He has some serious issues that no amount of being nice or giving him the benefit of the doubt will fix. Get out of there. |
Oh, no.... You said your family could help, yes? Call them and get out as soon as possible. Yes, this is your farm’s busiest time of year but now that he’s gotten away with hitting you? Run. Get a lawyer, get a security guard, get six big friends of your brother’s, get every cop friend you can make, but get your son and get out. I understand you’re scared, but trying to stay and placate him will only get worse. Be safe, above all else. :grouphug: |
My heart aches reading this. Pull all the courage you can... and get the hell out!!! The abuse will escalate. It has and will continue to. And so will your fear and guilt... a direct result of his abuse. Others will help you on this forum with more specific advice. Relieved you posted — and you deserve so much more. |
Hi Lost4now. He probably realizes on some level that he is losing control. I have been in a physically abusive relationship, I know what that feels like, it can be very scary. There are only two ways it goes. You continue to be hit or you get out or have him removed, there is no other way. He is way way past caring about anyone or anything but himself, you need to take control. First of all, please do give the woman police officer a call. What can it hurt to call her or the station? She can advise you on what they can do. In fact you can drive over to the police station right now if you like, I assume it is a 24 hour station. Ensure you are safe before you venture out and that he is asleep or passed out or otherwise occupied. They can advise you on what steps you can take. Whether they can issue a restraining order, how to keep safe. Please take your courage and go. You can't let him hold you hostage in your own home. Being at home and protecting him is not keeping you safe, you are not safe, it's a false sense of safety. At the very least make that call. By the way, if you have a lock on your bedroom door, please use it. If you can't reach anyone else, call the DV hotline - or call them anyway - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) - they are there 24 hours a day and can advise you on how to proceed. |
Safety is so important...perhaps the police or a local community centre could offer advice on home safety, how to have a safety net- people, phone numbers?? I can offer no wise words, except to suggest you do some homework on ways to keep safe. Verbal abuse and drunk people can be horrible (I was that horrible person once, 3.5y sober- I leave my ex alone out of respect and do my best to be a good person now, so maybe a little credibility)- AND it will affect you emotionally, physically.....perhaps have a checkup with your GP and remember to rest, eat hydrate and talk to people/share here. My support and prayers to you L4N |
Thank you all for the advice and support. I had to take a Xanax last night. It knocked me out. It’s the first time in awhile I stayed asleep until now or even this late (6am). I’m getting the impression it only gets worse. I can’t imagine getting better. In the 4+ years we’ve been together, he’s never been this violent. No clue why now. Not sure what started it - other than he’s catching on to the fact I’m done putting up with his BS - perhaps desperation is setting in. Oh I forgot about this gem, I had a minor medical procedure the week before last. I was slightly sedated for. I had no one else who could drive me, had to ask him as much as I hated it. I was in/out of sleep on way home. Can you believe he slammed his brakes so hard, I was thrown forward in my seat and hit the dashboard. What did he do, laugh. Loud and long. I should’ve had my seatbelt on but when you’re sedated you don’t know or always think of that. I asked why he did it. Because it’s funny he said. :( i dont understand how people can be so rude. I don’t understand why this is happening. I need the strength to get the help and have him removed. I’m afraid this will get much worse. |
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
(Post 7271145)
i dont understand how people can be so rude. I don’t understand why this is happening. I need the strength to get the help and have him removed. I’m afraid this will get much worse. Dear young woman, what you are experiencing is not "rude". Rude is someone cutting in line at the grocery store. Understanding why this is happening is, perhaps, less of a priority than getting away from him. In most cases of abuse, it continues and increases in frequency and violence. Please know that you are worth so much more than the abuse you are receiving at the hands of this man. You are worth the best possible treatment! I understand how much your land means to you--I'm from farm people myself. But if something he does lands you in the hospital (or worse), what matter will it be if the hay is bailed? I hope very much that you will visit this link on this site: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...how-leave.html It contains valuable information on how to make a safety plan, tips on leaving, where to find support and help. There is even a thread written by one of our members on what it is like to call the Domestic Violence Hotline based on her own experience. National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Please, please take good care of yourself! You are absolutely worth it!! |
Quick note on the DUI thing - laws probably vary from state-to-state but in some states if someone is drinking and driving in your vehicle you also catch charges unless you've reported the car as stolen. Be careful with this as well as things that others have mentioned. You're worth more than having to deal with this person. |
Lost4Now, okay, it was scary enough that he decked you...and the fact that he slammed on the brakes to intentionally hurt you when you were in a vulnerable state really makes me angry! Not only did he fail to protect you when you needed help, he intentionally hurt you--he is crazy, period. Don't kid yourself. Think of if someone did this to your niece, daughter, sister--and how unacceptable it is. Everyone is right that this is not worth dealing with a minute longer. I'm sorry it's turned out this way, and it's not a convenient time financially, but you have to take action, please, for your own and your son's safety! You can do it. |
Lost4now I second everything said above. You are not alone! Use those resources, get out of there now! If things escalated this quickly you don’t know what this “man” and I use that term loosely, is capable of. Your safety is #1 priority ❤️ |
Lost4now, You need to leave now. Get to a safe place, call the number of the lady. Anytime it gets to violence it is not good. I know you wanted proof that he hit you, but if he's violent it could be worse then a black eye or cut. You need to look after your safety. You need to come first. There is nothing you can do to save him. He has to want to save him self. We are here for you and you are not alone. reach out to people and they will help. |
Originally Posted by Lost4Now
(Post 7271145)
i dont understand how people can be so rude. I don’t understand why this is happening. I need the strength to get the help and have him removed. I’m afraid this will get much worse. Your only concern right now should be yourself. Him slamming on the brakes could have left you seriously injured, you could have damaged your head, your eye, you could have been permanently disfigured. This is serious stuff, not rudeness, this is evil/abuse. What if you had been really hurt on either occasion? That would have taken you off the farm, are you willing to lose your livelihood over this - man? You are stronger than you know, but the great thing is you don't need to do this alone. You should tell your family, if they are supportive, his abuse is not your secret to keep. He would like nothing more than to keep you isolated. Stop being afraid, surround yourself with support, the numbers you have supporting you will soon far outweigh him on his own. Your family, your Son, your fellow workers on the farm, the police, your local DV advocate. His abuse of you is not your secret to keep - that's all on him and you don't need to worry about him. |
Get strong and take every legal means necessary to get this monster out of your life. Evict him. Get a restraining order. Change your locks. Call the police if he shows up on your property. He has shown zero compassion for you. Show no compassion for him. You must protect yourself and your son. I think he has beaten you down to the point that you no longer value yourself. The stronger you get, the more action you take, you'll become more and more powerful and regain your self respect. Kick this jackass to the curb. |
You have gotten great feedback, but I just wanted to chime in and offer more support. You are strong, you can do this. We are here, supporting you. Please stay safe friend! Sending lots of love and many, many hugs! |
This man enjoys hurting you. And every time he gets away with it without any consequences, he’s a little more sure he can do it again. That’s not just alcoholism...that’s sociopathy. Tell your cop friend about the car episode...that’s another incident on record. It’s your property, it’s your car, he works for you...get out until you can get him out, any way you can. Have you talked to your family? |
it is imperative that you be your own advocate here and reach out to all the support available to you. i wouldn't worry about sending the police lady FLOWERS at this time!!! stay focused. You Are In Danger. |
Ok... so you guys are positive this will escalate? I know I’m in denial stage. It seems I have currently lost all my motivation and determination since things have turned to getting basically punched in the face. I think it’s because now I’m scared, whereas before I was just hurt and sad. Now it’s a fear thing. My level of confidence has completely plummeted and Im not sure I have the strength to deal with this. I'm going to need help. I know my dad would come here and completely go off, probably not in a good legal way either. He’s very protective of his daughters. How do I bother him though? He has cancer. I can’t. My mom is dealing with him and has her own troubles. My sister, no.... her husband would be here in a heartbeat if I asked. He’s taken my son and I under his wing since my divorce, but I struggle asking for help, period. Especially this. I’m going to look like the biggest jackass. I probably look and sound like one to you guys as well. I spend as little time as humanly possibly with him and around him. I barely see him anymore, unless he finds me and tries to talk which I guess is far too often. So now I find myself trying to be gone from the home if all the work is done for the day or time being. I finally contacted his family today and told them I needed help. I explained what happened and their of course sorry, but then I hear “I don’t want him moving back in with my parents - they don’t need that”. So that then puts the guilt on me, knowing full well kicking his sorry self out, he will move right back there. I know I can’t care, and I don’t. He’s not my problem. But I was still somewhat astounded by their response. I’m going to have to have him removed from my home.... i know. I’m scared for my or sons safety if I do. They say someone with nothing to lose is dangerous. He has nothing to lose. |
Sorry this was supposed to say I’m scared for my son and I’s safety if I DONT have him removed. Its going to happen. i just need to know what will happen when I do... what typically happens? Do they go away and never hear from them again? Do they come crawling back? Do they seek revenge? What do I need to watch for. He knows how to get in my windows - I have locked him out before when he’s being super nasty and uncontrollable- I’ve locked all my doors and thought windows, but he still gets in somehow. I don’t know how and I don’t know what window bc I’ve never caught him in the act, but I know it’s the window bc one he’s admitted it and 2 my doors are locked and we don’t have keys. We come in the house with garage opener. Ugh. This is why I’m worried. What if he comes back for revenge? Restraining orders are good, but you can break them long enough to hurt or kill someone, |
Sometimes family members can help, sometimes not. That is what the hotline and other resources are there for. To help you, guide you, just talk to you one-on-one if and when you need it. I can't begin to imagine how scared you must be. And you didn't just "basically get punched in the face". You were punched in the face. Your husband punched you in the face. There is nothing OK about that. You did nothing to deserve that. Please let people help you! |
Please let your family help you. Please call the female police officer who gave you her contact information. These are the people who can help you, not his family. The fact that they don't want him back is not your problem. This cretin enjoys hurting you! You have to do whatever is necessary to get him out of your home. |
Get a security system that goes off if a window is opened? Honestly, talk to your lawyer but the easiest way out may be to give him some drinking money and the title of that car (which you’re going to lose anyway if he keeps driving it) in exchange for getting out and staying out, as you don’t want to involve your family. (Although kicking a jerk out of his daughter’s life might be just what your dad needs...feeling useful is great medicine.) Your brother-in-law and several of his bigger friends might also be helpful? I am going to say it again...your “boyfriend” is a sadist. He enjoys being cruel to you...it’s a high. It will get worse, unless you get “lucky” and he destroys his health to the point where you’ll be stuck with a nasty invalid instead. At some point, embarrassment is moot. Especially as your son has a front row seat here. Gear up, get your posse, and boot him to the door. :a043: P.S. A large serious dog might also be helpful.. |
Don't let him have access to the garage door opener, if that's how he's getting in. |
AMEN to what Ariesagain said. |
Others may give more solid advice — but, personally... I would stay clear from contacting or dealing with his family. That’s HIS family to deal with... not your responsibility and honestly, it could just make things worse. Your focus should be on you, your safety, and your game plan. I think you may need to think of a plan B besides living in that house filled with constant fear and anxiety. If you’re terrified of him breaking in (as you clearly stated)... you really need to brainstorm alternative living places (even if temporary). Living in that much fear is absolutely no way to live! |
No one can tell you how he will react once he has been thrown out/asked to leave, that's why you need to contact the police and get a restraining order. Have your windows secured, change the code on the garage opener and lock it down from inside every night - or disable it at night. You are asking if it will escalate, it already is. Do you want him out of control inside your house or outside your house? He is physically and mentally abusing you, time for action. Please don't worry about his family or him for one minute. You're worried that he will be their problem? Did they spare a thought for you? No and he is their blood relative. Do you know why? Because they know him and they know to keep him away, they want nothing to do with him. Perhaps, once the restraining order is in place your Son can stay with you for a bit, or you can rent out a room? Alternately you can rent out a room in town to stay the night at. |
Lost...….the way I see it, from what you have shared....the police lady and your brother in law sound like your most concrete resources....(the police lady will know of the dv services, locally, to hook you up with)…..Your brother in law sounds like he would be able and willing to give him a "send off".... Not wanting to ask anyone for help is just your ego talking....there are times in everybody's life that they need to ask for help...everyone....You are n ot above needing help.....It is not a sign of weakness...it is a sign of resourcefulness and pluckiness to do so, when you need it.... A sign of a Survivor is, sometimes,the ability to know when to ask for help.... There ARE solutions for this...there always are....so, I suggest that you let the p olice lady , your brother in law, the dv resources----all put their heads together and guide you through this..... After he has been given the boot.....then, you can get someone who will stay on the farm, with you..... Once you get him out of there, and back on his own territory, somewhere, he doesn't sound like he is the type to have the resources to come back around....due to being too drunk and too penniless, etc....and, he will need his energy to be working another enabler..... Drastic situations sometimes call of decisive, drastic actions...and the willingness to do some thing that you might not even want to..... |
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