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Two weeks of arguments makes me want to leave My husband of just over 1 year has always liked a drink but it only got really bad just before our wedding. It improved some weeks and then got worse. I’ve tried absolutely everything to support him. But the last two weeks have been horrific, him saying the most awful things and saying how it’s all my fault he’s like this and how miserable he is. I’ve said I’ll got stay back at my mums to give him space. I don’t know if this is a good idea? Any advice would help I’m sitting here absolutely heartbroken and alone |
By all means, friend, get yourself out of the line of fire! |
I’m worried what effect that will have on him . But the selfish part of me knows I can’t take much more of this. I love him but right now I don’t like him if that makes sense |
http://www.al-anon.org/ Going to meetings can be a good start in gaining an awareness of what you're dealing with. The three C's often mentioned are: I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it. I'm glad you're here. I'm really sorry for what brings you here. |
Nothing you do will change his drinking. You being there hasn't helped, has it? There is nothing selfish about saving yourself. Yes...get out of his line of fire! |
It makes perfect sense. Sometimes we all have to do whatever we have to do to take care of ourselves. What would happen if you did what you needed to do and let him worry about how he deals with it? Truly, you have no power over his actions. |
but it only got really bad just before our wedding. well, that was a sign, eh? nothing has changed for him except now he has a target for his vituperation. staying around won't help HIM one bit, but i guarantee your outlook and sense of self worth will be destroyed, word by word. you may need to rethink things. time at your mom's would grace you with some much needed space. this is not normal. this is not healthy. this is not what marriage is about. |
Sleeper...… I think it is an excellent idea to get out of his way and give him space to get into real sobriety, if he is of a mind to. I will point out that, alcoholism is a life long condition, and one cannot ever, safely, take another drink, again. A person has to be willing to make a pivotal change in their life and live by the principles of sobriety for the rest of their life...like the principles of AA. The program needs to be followed rigorously and as their first priority, above all else......The doesn't happen in a flash, either....it takes a lot of time and commitment from the alcoholic…. In these matters...their words mean very little...it is their actions that really count.... In light of your other threads, I notice that you were seeing a counselor...great...I hope that you keep that up...as you need that support for yourself! Since you are here, and asking for help, I presume....I am going to give you some basic suggestions to get you started. I hope that you don't mind...… 1. the most recommended book on this forum is "Co-dependent No More'...it is an easy read and you can get it on amazon.com....cheaply, if you will get a used one. 2. There is so much to know about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones.....almost nobody knows this stuff, unless they have had reason to do special study. Knowledge is power. ***You are fortunate, in this respect, as we have a fabulous library of articles on this...0ver 100 articles! Enough for you to read every single day! (this library is contained I n the stickies, at the top of the main page....but, since you are new, here I am giving you the following link to those articles..... 3. Continue to read the threads, here on family and friends, any you will get the reality of what it is really like to live with active alcoholism, over the years..... In particular, read the ones about the members who have children, in their situation. The effects can be profound, on the children. And, one is permanently connected to the alcoholic, even if they divorce, if there are children, involved. It is so hard to protect the children from the alcoholism, even when not living with the alcoholic. You have spoken, so often, about your desire to help him....which is a logical thing for a young wife to say....but, here is the STICKY WICKET----- and, I consider it the heart of the matter------The rules that we are taught, about relationships, as we are growing up...by our families, and out schools, and churches, and society, in general, are all turned topsy-turvy by two things...alcoholism (any addiction) and abuse. The rules, in these situations are the opposite of what one would ordinarily assume. As was said many times, in your other threads....you are not the person who can help him. But, it is your responsibility to help your own self...you deserve happiness in marriage and life.... Yes, I know that you love him...and, you don't have to stop loving him....but, you may have to love him from afar, because his disease can destroy you, if you let it..... Sleeper...here is that link to the library that I promised you----- https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html |
FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), it's easy to get caught up in any or all of these (usually all!) which keeps us in a place we should not be. I'm assuming you have spoken to him about his drinking and he is lashing out at you? Alcoholics don't like to have their drinking mentioned in any negative way. Once you do, you become the enemy. You don't need to sacrifice your life for him. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, as we all do. If you think about it, of all the people in the world that you would expect to treat you this way, would that not be the person you married? Yes, it's a brilliant idea to get that time and space away from him by going to your Mom's place. Take time for yourself, take care of yourself. Eat well, get as much rest as you can and talk it out, here, with your Mom (if possible), at Al-Anon. |
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