New and exciting ways to destroy trust
 

Has anyone ever dealt with an alcoholic meddling with their SoberLink device?

Yesterday, my AH and son and I went to the lake together for a birthday celebration (late one, for me), and we had a good time together. It was a place I'd been longing to go (that's only 30 minutes away), and so relaxing and a good day. I felt like maybe there was some hope for our family; we haven't done anything fun as a family like that in awhile. Except for swimming at the pool where AH has an apartment (he moved in there 6 weeks ago).

Upon arriving home yesterday evening, I found an email from SoberLink saying they were cancelling services due to "tampering with or submitting fake samples" or something like that. DS had gone with AH to spend the night at AH's place. I let AH know that I'd rec'd the email (he did too), and that I would come get DS. Yes, I knew that AH had no opportunity to drink w/us all day, but it was possible he did once home with DS from 8 pm onward until the test today. Long story short, AH told me he'd used a flat tire fixer to spray air into the device, more that once. I was furious, hurt, came and got DS, and told DS that dad was not following the rules so he was coming home. AH blew a clear test right then in front of me, but I felt it was too late to change plans. I also told AH that maybe just doing supervised visits should happen. Since I have no way of knowing when a test is accurate anymore. I told AH not to come over today to watch DS while I worked for 4 hours. I felt I had to hold my boundary on not parenting when possibly drinking.

Today I had to work 4 hours, and could not find a sitter. I ended up asking AH if he could do it, and blow in front of me, but he claimed that since I told him "no DS unless supervised, he's not just going to come to my rescue on a whim anymore". I found help at the last minute. I told AH his deflecting and blaming me for not helping me today was his excuse to drink when we left his place last night, and probably into today. I told him a divorce proceeding will be happening because I can't handle the hopes and then the betrayal anymore. One thing AH said, when I explained that I won't accept him parenting if he's drinking, even if just two or three beers, was "but am I hurting him?". That tells me he still doesn't realize or want to accept his drinking is harmful to us all.

He called tonight and apologized for leaving me in the lurch today, trying to blame me, and moving to his own apartment and doing SoberLink voluntarily then trying to outsmart the device. **AH also said he found an article explaining how a parent who drinks in front of their child, even if they hide the bottle/whatever, is affecting said child, even if no actual abuse is occurring. This is what I've told him over and over, that he is not "present", not his old self; maybe he is believing it, or maybe he's blowing smoke up my *ss, or both. I accepted the apology and hung up. It was the only way I could think of to re-establish trust, and now I don't know of other methods. He suggested taking pics of when he is blowing into it, with a clock beside him, so it matches the emails SoberLink sends me and I know it's not flat tire fixer air. LOL. This is what our lives have become.

Thanks for listening.

I've never heard anyone mention an A meddling with Soberlink clarity. I've heard - oh it won't work etc, but flat tire air?

As for his drinking being a negative to your Son, if he hasn't figured that out by now (ie: he is so far in to his addiction he won't see it), there is nothing and no one that will convince him.

So he deceives you, putting your Son's safety aside, refuses to help you out (yes, even though your boundary should be rock solid, your working is helpful to your Son and that should always be taken in to consideration)

The pictures of him blowing in to SL are a waste of time and could be fudged, so it's zero proof. I still wouldn't allow unsupervised visits until such time as he has a record of consistent sobriety during visits (he can blow in to that soberlink with you standing right there). I would just be sure to have distance, ie if he is coming to your place, leave the room once he arrives. His shouldn't be getting to play happy families at your expense.

At this point he cannot be trusted at all.

I'm sorry this happened Clarity.

It's just baffling the lengths they will go to. I can't imagine protecting my demons over my own child. What a blight that must be on a soul.

You are doing the right thing. Obviously your child's father isn't ready to do the hard work of becoming truly well. It's sad and I am so sorry.

Your situation reminds me of another member a few years back. She was in a similar position with her AH- living separately, she was taking care of everything at home while he "worked at" getting sober. She was monitoring him with Soberlink. That dance went on for a long time. Here's a link to one of her first threads. Reading through her story might be helpful to you.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...alcoholic.html

It was the only way I could think of to re-establish trust, and now I don't know of other methods.

perhaps ACCEPT that he cannot be trusted? you handed him the chance to prove he takes parenting seriously and prove that he is willing to do whatever it takes to have time with his son.

and what did he do with that chance?
blew it.
literally.
with an air hose.

IMO, i'm sorry doesn't cut it here. how many thousands of i'm sorry's have you heard by now? he cannot or will not put his child first. that leaves you no choice. he went thru a LOT of work to try and trick the Sober Link. it was premeditated.

what do his ACTIONS show you??

Yes, Anvil is right. He had to work pretty hard to mess things up.
He doesn't really deserve your trust, and certainly not to be trusted alone not to drink around your son.

this! you are unable to document him doing the right thing because him doing the right thing isnt there to be documented.

(hugs)

An alcoholic or arrogant person trying to game or cheat the system, fool people . Who would've thunk it.

But seriously gaming the system and trying to fool comes naturally from years/decades of trying to cover up their bad habit sometimes every single day to different groups of people.

It's been three days of trying to accept what is obvious--that there's no going back now--unless of course I were willing to try yet again. However, he simply tried to trick/scheme/fool me, yes it was premeditated and took a lot of work. He has a lot going on from past trauma, and I hope he can figure it all out someday. Since he functions and hides his drinking well, he's under the illusion that "he doesn't hurt DS" and thus his drinking is not bad for DS. I have to move on in a big way, like divorce papers. The way all this stress affects me and my ability to earn a living in a new-ish career has not been good, I probably seem distracted and/or incapable. My son needs me, my father is on hospice. I'm tired of trying to give my full attention to work, and then to son, with my obliterated sanity and sense of defeat and dejection.

It's sad, I know AH does not wish to be this person, but his brain has changed, the person I once knew is not there and I no longer can trust him. It amazes me that when we both came home to the email from SoberLink that he described my reaction as "dumping all this cr*p on him". I was like "ummmm, those are just my feelings", and what I said was actually quite matter-of-fact. Anyway, thanks for all the feedback. I had to laugh out loud at the "he blew it, literally, with an air hose".

Wow. He's a crafty one. I would absolutely make sure you save any and all documentation from him to back you up should you need it in court. That's some crazy stuff.

I am sorry. Sending you lots of support!

You have so much going on.

Try to fit in some time for self-care. You really need it! I know it's probably really tough to do that right now but even half an hour or 15 minutes a day of something relaxing or fun can help.

With so much going on perhaps filing for divorce can wait a bit. Not to say you shouldn't, not at all, but only if you can manage it right now. You don't need to pile more on your plate. Then again if it would bring you some peace, then the sooner the better.

I'm sorry it's come to this. If nothing else, detach, he has changed from the man you knew, detachment will help.

Oh man, I have been there with the SoberLink-tampering-for-no-earthly-reason alcoholic (although the air-hose thing is new to me - wouldn’t you get an alert about that, because it would screw up the facial recognition part of SoberLink? In other words, he may have been telling you he was tinkering with SL to see what you would do, when he really wasn’t). Indeed, I was on a first-name basis with the COO of SoberLink Ltd to check on various excuses and alerts(“Hi, it’s me again, the monitored party said a squirrel sat on his phone which produced a false positive ...”). All I can say is what you already know:

1. Alcoholics don’t like being treated as though they can’t be trusted. But they really can’t be trusted, so that’s why we treat them that way.
2. SL is not just about “do you have alcohol in your blood at this exact moment in time?”. It’s also about “can you be relied on to do things that you said you would do to ensure that kids are safe with you?” and “do you take parenting seriously enough that you will put up with a very small amount of inconvenience or embarrassment in order to play a role in your children’s lives?”, regardless of whether there is alcohol in his bloodstream at exactly 10.53 AM Mountain Standard Time. It sounds like the answer to those two questions is “no”.
3. SL is an opportunity [I]for the alcoholic[I] to demonstrate that they are completely safe and trustworthy to be around kids, it’s not just a way for you to catch the alcoholic. Because it is a neutral, objective third-party monitoring system, the alcoholic can use it to prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that they are not drinking. A normal person would jump at the opportunity to create a track record of sobriety by providing abundant clean tests and complying exactly with the protocol. But this is not a normal person.

You’re doing the right thing. You need a break from the exhaustion of monitoring an alcoholic. It’s hard.