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Chrysene- those are heartening things to hear, as to your plans. I'm also really glad that you have a dad you can confide in and it sounds like make this big decision with support. I'd just gently add the your #2 - assessing the likelihood of success- is a dangerous measure of making this decision. Put simply, another person can never truly determine the success of an alcoholic's sobriety. It's always up to that person, and while I, for example, don't live in fear of drinking again nor does my husband or my family and so on - it's something I am fully committed to no matter what. In fact? It comes before everything else, even my husband whom I adore. Also, truthfully, you can't determine #1 either- speaking for myself and most alcoholics I know, the lengths to which we can go to convince others we are truly willing to get and stay sober are staggering. And lies, until we actually do it or keep sober. #3 is the one you get to decide, truly, for yourself and your life. Take care. |
It sounds like you are thinking really clearly about all this and I commend you for that. Great that you are attending Al-Anon as well. Willingness to abstain from drinking is easy to say, very hard to do, as you have already seen. You both agree his drinking is a problem, yet he continues. Mentioned here a lot is the saying - "Action not words". Words are easy, actions, not so much and those are what will show you the truth. Perhaps this will help you gauge that: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...full-crap.html |
Chrysene......I have a question...for the sake of discussion. Why do you have to get married? What would happen, if you didn't? From what you shared...it doesn't sound like you have a bun in the oven...lol...and it doesn't sound like your dad has a shotgun... And, you are capable of earning your own good living....and, you don't need him for status, etc...… It is not like the sound of a biologic clock is ringing in your ears..... Why can't you continue to share life with him...and see how it goes for the nest few years....As you know, if you have been studying your materials on alcoholism...that it takes a couple of years...or even more...like 3,4, 5...depending on who you are talking to...to see if the life style of total abstainence really takes hold..... He will never be cured, of course....he will have to commit to the program and principles and the heavy lifting that it requires...for the rest of his life.... It is a lot easier to protect yourself by walking away if that piece of paper, and all that it entails, hanging over your head...... |
Trailmix: excellent read... wow... my ex would have scored 10 for 10 on that test :( |
Between now and decision day, I’m going to find out about 1) his willingness to stop drinking; 2) try my best to assess likelihood of success; |
Also, marriage counseling with an active addict is not very useful. Likelihood of success is impossible to predict. Relapse rates are pretty high. It all depends on how committed they are, what sort of program they work and if they continue to work it. Because of my ex’ job he is monitored very closely for 5 years. His chance at staying sober is pretty high at least at 5 years. But the stats they showed us at rehab are somewhat discouraging for continued sobriety after 1 year for a lot of people. And it has a lot to do with resources people have after they get out of rehab and how committed they are to continue to work it. And his level of commitment might be really high at first but could soon disappear. Impossible to predict unfortunately. If only we had a crystal ball. Willingness to quit drinking, mine did that several times. The second to last time he even told me he realized he could never drink again. That didn’t last.... If you are having doubts so close to the wedding, I think that says a lot. He isnt magically going to change in 6 weeks and even if he did there is no way to know if it will stick. My ex is sober and overall doing well, but he isn’t the person that I feel in love with. We both have changed a lot, and for me that was to the point I could not stay in the marriage. People change when they get sober and it may or may not be what you like. |
IMHO you have a golden opportunity to save your own life by cutting this relationship off before the REALLY BIG problems begin. Many people here probably wish they could have done or could do the same. |
Have you met any children of alcoholics? |
Chrysene: I'm sure we all sound pretty dismal about a future with an addict/alcoholic. 5 years ago, I would have doubted anyone who even questioned my love or future dreams with my ex girlfriend. And I sure as hell, didn't have the courage to post on SR like you did... I just quietly read... until I found myself here quite a lot. But there are simply not enough words to describe what it actually feels like to live with an active alcoholic until you find yourself panicking on their rollercoaster of insanity. My ex was a top VP at the largest bank in the nation. Just like her, I joined in her justification bandwagon.. "it was only 3 glasses at lunch because she was stressed out"... she was dealing with "$1.2 billion dollars today, that entire boxed wine was needed." Listen, yes not everyone turns into my ex but the snowball affect of addiction is like something I've never seen before. It sadly accelerates like a freight train... and before you know it, it's all just too much and you simply cannot understand how things became this bad, this quickly. There's always exceptions. But if you're counting drinks already... I wish you the very best and glad to see you're attending Al-Anon and carefully figuring things out. Oh, yeah... just like Sleepyhollo mentioned... marriage counseling with an active addict is beyond difficult. My therapist reluctantly agreed to see us together 1x but then, refused to help going forward. He said, after 30+ years of dealing with addicts... 99.9% he declines to provide therapy if one of the individuals is in an active state of addiction. Relationships just cannot heal, grow, or forgive if active addition is present. |
My cousin sent out wedding invitations, and two weeks later called off the wedding. My college buddy went through with her wedding, and three months later was filing for divorce. She wanted to call it off, even the day of the wedding. Her mother told her she just had cold feet. |
Enough warning signs to say he has an alcohol issue and should call it off for now. Nobody is old but no one is a spring chicken either. Things tend to worse with time. Don't rely on time or him maturing. Love does not cure all. Your seems to be pretty accurate just questioning his drinking. |
My story will sound very similar to other stories here but if my story can help anyone ... take what you like and leave the rest I married my exah 7 years ago. A dream wedding . Yes , he had some episodes of drinking a little too much when we were dating but you know .... I had rose colored glasses on and all of that and I did not understand addiction. He is a CEO of a hospital . Successful , tall , handsome , the whole package . I am financially independent and was a social , vibrant person . I say WAS . What became of me in those 5 years after marriage - is a shell. I slowly isolated myself . The resentments grew . The more I stopped him from drinking , the more he belittled me , my family and my whole life . He did not want to get any help and he had a DUI and had spent a night in jail. That train wreck of 8:30 am drunkenness came so fast at me that I was left gasping and did not even know where to pick up the pieces . I was suicidal , in depression and very scared for my future the day I left . The kind young man who was responsible and caring was long gone atleast with me . All he was capable of doing now was putting up faces in public and he did that very well. I was his enemy for asking him not to drink . Save yourself a lifetime of misery. Save your future kids a lifetime of misery . I am still picking up pieces 2 years since I left him. It has been 4 months since our divorce . I am young and have a job .. but my perspective in life has changed a hundred folds. |
Chyrene...I hope that you are still coming here to read..... I must confess something, to you....today, I was watching a mesmerizing show on tv. It is called "Say Yes to the Dress".....(it is fun to see pretty dresses)… These women are investing thousands of dollars for the one dress...to be worn for a few hours....Oh, My---the emotion and energy that they go through about the dress. I found myself wondering about Chyrene….and, wondering if you are busy saying "Yes to the Dress'.....lol... On this particular show, the women order their dresses several months ahead of time ...as it is a very expensive and exclusive salon.... It seems that this salon, also has a section of "canceled dresses"....very expensive dresses that have been paid for and are not going to be used for their wedding.....because their weddings have been canceled (in most of the cases)…. So....that just shows that nothing has been written in stone...and, lots of people cancel the wedding and go on living..... |
Raindrops....your story, I think, amplifies the fact that "Successful, tall, handsome, "Whole package" guys" can cut your heart out just as much as unemployed/unemployable, short, plain looking guys can.....and, especially so, if they have a bottle or some blow in their hand..... |
I am in process of divorcing my AH of nearly 20 years. I knew he was an alcoholic when I married him but I ignored the signs because I did love him and all the wonderful things about him. He drinks similar to how you describe your fiancé- a little here and there on weekdays and a lot more on weekends. I gave spent years minimizing it and self-doubting but truth is, our life always seemed to revolve around his next drinking binge. I just wanted to reply to emphasize how easy it is to minimize the issue and second guess yourself but, as has already been well pointed out, it won’t improve unless he makes a drastic course change into recovery and if the heavy drinking bothers you now, it will bother you more as time goes on. |
When married to an active A, your life does revolve around their next drinking binge. If you are having any doubts at all, it would be to your advantage to at least postpone the wedding. Like Dandylion said...you dont have to get married right now or at all, do your future self a favor and give it more time and get out of the pressure of a time limit. I wish you the best. |
I don't know if you are still reading OP, but my mother ignored those signs and ended up with someone who escalated from alcohol abuse to alcoholism, and from being Prince Charming--handsome & articulate, educated, from a good family, etc.-- to chasing her out of the house with a butcher knife while she was pregnant with me. She told me there were warning signs, and what you shared were pretty similar. I'm not saying anything like that would ever happen to you, but she was a smart woman and thought it would get better with marriage, and that the drinking "wasn't that bad" in the first place. In fact, she ended up an alcoholic herself dealing with the stress of failed marriages, single parenthood, and never facing or dealing with the trauma she lived through with an active alcoholic. The damage to my brother and myself emotionally has been lifelong and impacted all our interactions with others, our self-esteem, and our ability to trust and feel our emotions. |
Wedding is postponed Thank you all for still writing to me and caring. We decided last night to postpone the wedding. |
Chrysene...….thanks for letting us know! I have been wondering how it was going, for you...... |
I'm sorry for you as I can only imagine how you feel. Well, I sort of do. I almost didn't go through with mine. That was 25 years ago. I am also relieved for you. |
Chrysene, I know it was an excruciating decision for you to make, but I think you did the right thing. Keep posting here if it helps. We definitely understand how hard this is. It will be tough for a while, and then it will get better. Are you going to continue on in the relationship? |
Respectfully...
Originally Posted by Chrysene
(Post 7197690)
He has 2-3 drinks every night on weekdays, and 4-8 on weekends, mostly wine, alternating with a glass of water. C- |
Chrysene- thank you for letting us know. My heart goes out to you- take good care of yourself right now as you sort thru all that is upon you. The biggest thing, though, has been put aside for now. best to you. |
Originally Posted by Chrysene
(Post 7207113)
Thank you all for still writing to me and caring. We decided last night to postpone the wedding. I hope you will stick around or post if you need support. Take good care of yourself. |
I struggle with the same question: should I stay/ when to go? It brings on so much confusion and inner conflict because in the middle of those two decisions remains the fact that I love him , but I don't love my life of uncertainty and lonesome nights crying when he has had too much to drink and the possibilities of having a caring partnership are no where in sight , not to mention the possibility of having A child, because like you, I refuse to have a child under these circumstances. You will know when / if you should go. Your instincts will guide you. And your common sense about having a meaningful life will lead you to fulfillment. All the best, as you deserve it. |
I’m sorry you are in this situation. even asking if you should cancel or postpone it is an answer right there. If I had realized my AH was what he is I would not have gone through with our marriage. |
Originally Posted by Chrysene
(Post 7207113)
Thank you all for still writing to me and caring. We decided last night to postpone the wedding. |
Follow your trueest, deepest instincts and you will make the right decisions from here on. I hope you are doing ok. |
Make sure you have a prenup and your a lawyer so you are already lawyered up! That sounds so mean I'm close to your age and wanted kids w my alcoholic or in denial alcoholic 11 months almost destroyed me! You don't want a life time of feeling destroyed! |
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