Fiancé abuses alcohol. Wedding in 6 weeks, deciding whether to call it off.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
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Fiancé abuses alcohol. Wedding in 6 weeks, deciding whether to call it off.
Hello: I am under some time pressure and seeking insight. Fiancé (40M) and I (39F) have been together 2 years, engaged 8 months, wedding is in 6 weeks. No kids. He stopped drinking for 7 months (when we got engaged), and started again two months ago.
I am am making the unfortunate decision of whether to 1) cancel or postpone the wedding; and 2) stay with him or leave.
The issue is that he is not an “alcoholic” by clinical definition, but abuses alcohol. He has 2-3 drinks every night on weekdays, and 4-8 on weekends, mostly wine, alternating with a glass of water. Never belligerent, doesn’t get wasted, no DUI, not passed out, basically no classic external signs.
He is fully functional, excels at his job (finance), does all the house errands (above and beyond), which I appreciate as I have a demanding job (lawyer), etc. All the strong qualities of a great husband. He admits there is a problem with drinking, never denies it.
He went to AA those 7 months he stopped drinking. A lot of introspection, learning to “sit with feelings”. The reason he started recently was to see if he can “drink normally” again. I wanted this for him too, to be “normal”. He is currently back to 2-3 every night, 4-8 on weekends. It makes me uncomfortable, because I know alcoholism is progressive and I’m afraid he will go down a path past which he becomes an alcoholic.
We just started seeing a marriage therapist who specializes in alcohol addiction. He admits to the issue and wants to work on it. She he told him to “drink two drinks a day, one an hour, alternate with water, and no more.” It has been two days so far, I can tell he is trying, but teetering on the edge. More like 3-4 drinks (it was the weekend).
We we are both financially and emotionally very independent. Other than the obvious disaster of a cancelled wedding, I am able to walk away mostly unscathed.
I am afraid of going down the path of being legally bound to a potential future alcoholic. Now is the best time to leave. At the same time, I don't want to make the mistake of breaking a relationship prematurely. Not to mention, I love him deeply.
I am neutral on wanting children. But I would not have a child under his current situation, because of future risk.
If if we postpone getting married, how long until there is certainty? What I’ve read is that people can be sober for years, and still relapse.
When will I have enough information to make the stay/go decision? I don’t have a lot of time to “watch and see”. Safer bet is to leave, but I don’t want to make a mistake. Are my concerns exaggerated?
I am am making the unfortunate decision of whether to 1) cancel or postpone the wedding; and 2) stay with him or leave.
The issue is that he is not an “alcoholic” by clinical definition, but abuses alcohol. He has 2-3 drinks every night on weekdays, and 4-8 on weekends, mostly wine, alternating with a glass of water. Never belligerent, doesn’t get wasted, no DUI, not passed out, basically no classic external signs.
He is fully functional, excels at his job (finance), does all the house errands (above and beyond), which I appreciate as I have a demanding job (lawyer), etc. All the strong qualities of a great husband. He admits there is a problem with drinking, never denies it.
He went to AA those 7 months he stopped drinking. A lot of introspection, learning to “sit with feelings”. The reason he started recently was to see if he can “drink normally” again. I wanted this for him too, to be “normal”. He is currently back to 2-3 every night, 4-8 on weekends. It makes me uncomfortable, because I know alcoholism is progressive and I’m afraid he will go down a path past which he becomes an alcoholic.
We just started seeing a marriage therapist who specializes in alcohol addiction. He admits to the issue and wants to work on it. She he told him to “drink two drinks a day, one an hour, alternate with water, and no more.” It has been two days so far, I can tell he is trying, but teetering on the edge. More like 3-4 drinks (it was the weekend).
We we are both financially and emotionally very independent. Other than the obvious disaster of a cancelled wedding, I am able to walk away mostly unscathed.
I am afraid of going down the path of being legally bound to a potential future alcoholic. Now is the best time to leave. At the same time, I don't want to make the mistake of breaking a relationship prematurely. Not to mention, I love him deeply.
I am neutral on wanting children. But I would not have a child under his current situation, because of future risk.
If if we postpone getting married, how long until there is certainty? What I’ve read is that people can be sober for years, and still relapse.
When will I have enough information to make the stay/go decision? I don’t have a lot of time to “watch and see”. Safer bet is to leave, but I don’t want to make a mistake. Are my concerns exaggerated?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
As a lawyer, you know the ramifications of the legal document and how ugly it can become once tied by a contract.
I would at the very least postpone. I'm sorry for this situation you are in. There is no easy painless way out. And yeah, he could relapse even after years sober and it will always get progressively worse, even if he truly wants to control it. That's not the way for anyone with a drink problem. The only way is complete abstinence. For life.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I would at the very least postpone. I'm sorry for this situation you are in. There is no easy painless way out. And yeah, he could relapse even after years sober and it will always get progressively worse, even if he truly wants to control it. That's not the way for anyone with a drink problem. The only way is complete abstinence. For life.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Planet Earth (most days)
Posts: 1,596
I'm sorry to be blunt, but it doesn't appear the marriage therapist you are seeing knows the first thing about alcohol addiction. I remember many years ago I went to a counselor and told her I thought I had a drinking problem. (It was a huge step for me since I was admitting this to someone other than myself.) Her solution? She told me to abstain from drinking (go for a walk, anything). And, if I was able to abstain, I could "reward" myself with an alcoholic beverage! Say what?
I'm not sure what the best decision is for you, but what I DO know is that your fiance has to make the decision to stop drinking on his own. Your calling off or postponing the wedding won't resolve that issue. HE is the one that needs to get serious about change.
I'm not sure what the best decision is for you, but what I DO know is that your fiance has to make the decision to stop drinking on his own. Your calling off or postponing the wedding won't resolve that issue. HE is the one that needs to get serious about change.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dhyrene...I can tell you that the "disaster" of cancelling a wedding is pale compared to the decision and life disruption of getting a divorce....
I hear that you love him...but, love is not enough when you are dealing with alcoholism or addictions...…
You speak of future alcoholic or future risk, but, it sound like you are dealing with alcoholism, Present.
The fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink "normally"....it is the wish that they cling most closely to.....
Lady Diana was in a similar situation....it was a very short time till her Royal Weddng….all of England was in heavy preparation. She was having some doubts....especially, after she discovered that he had given a bracelet to his current wife...the one that the prince is now married to ….a bracelet described with a special love message. She confided in her girlfriends...and, she was told that it was too late...too much planning and the royal towels had already been monogramed!!
Overwhelmed with the thought of cancelling the wedding...she went through with it.....
Of course, we know that she went through years of misery before finally divorcing.....
After her untimely death, the prince married the one he sent the bracelet to.....
Your situation caused me to think of Lady Di's story....
In my experience, if something is already a problem before the marriage...you can count on it being many, many times worse after the marriage.....
I hear that you love him...but, love is not enough when you are dealing with alcoholism or addictions...…
You speak of future alcoholic or future risk, but, it sound like you are dealing with alcoholism, Present.
The fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink "normally"....it is the wish that they cling most closely to.....
Lady Diana was in a similar situation....it was a very short time till her Royal Weddng….all of England was in heavy preparation. She was having some doubts....especially, after she discovered that he had given a bracelet to his current wife...the one that the prince is now married to ….a bracelet described with a special love message. She confided in her girlfriends...and, she was told that it was too late...too much planning and the royal towels had already been monogramed!!
Overwhelmed with the thought of cancelling the wedding...she went through with it.....
Of course, we know that she went through years of misery before finally divorcing.....
After her untimely death, the prince married the one he sent the bracelet to.....
Your situation caused me to think of Lady Di's story....
In my experience, if something is already a problem before the marriage...you can count on it being many, many times worse after the marriage.....
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I wish I had known about SR and posted questions about my addict earlier on in the relationship. I only started reading online concerning addiction after being involved with her for 2 years. Didn't post on SR till day after I broke things off.
Your fortunate that at least your reading and asking questions before the marriage & big commitment.
I am still paying for a house I bought for her to live in. Was meant to give her a safe & normal place to live. Would have been her safe haven home for ever.
After living there for a year or so, had to legally force her to move out. It was a disaster all that went on it that house. It has sat empty & I am in the process of selling the house now. Costly mistake.
In my experience, once I started having doubts & concerns about her & her life (way before I ever thought of her as an addict) It all a became very slippery downward slope from there.
Your fortunate that at least your reading and asking questions before the marriage & big commitment.
I am still paying for a house I bought for her to live in. Was meant to give her a safe & normal place to live. Would have been her safe haven home for ever.
After living there for a year or so, had to legally force her to move out. It was a disaster all that went on it that house. It has sat empty & I am in the process of selling the house now. Costly mistake.
In my experience, once I started having doubts & concerns about her & her life (way before I ever thought of her as an addict) It all a became very slippery downward slope from there.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Ohyrene...I can tell you that the "disaster" of cancelling a wedding is pale compared to the decision and life disruption of getting a divorce....
I hear that you love him...but, love is not enough when you are dealing with alcoholism or addictions...…
You speak of future alcoholic or future risk, but, it sound like you are dealing with alcoholism, Present.
The fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink "normally"....it is the wish that they cling most closely to.....
Lady Diana was in a similar situation....it was a very short time till her Royal Weddng….all of England was in heavy preparation. She was having some doubts....especially, after she discovered that he had given a bracelet to his current wife...the one that the prince is now married to ….a bracelet described with a special love message. She confided in her girlfriends...and, she was told that it was too late...too much planning and the royal towels had already been monogramed!!
Overwhelmed with the thought of cancelling the wedding...she went through with it.....
Of course, we know that she went through years of misery before finally divorcing.....
After her untimely death, the prince married the one he sent the bracelet to.....
Your situation caused me to think of Lady Di's story....
In my experience, if something is already a problem before the marriage...you can count on it being many, many times worse after the marriage.....
I hear that you love him...but, love is not enough when you are dealing with alcoholism or addictions...…
You speak of future alcoholic or future risk, but, it sound like you are dealing with alcoholism, Present.
The fondest dream of every alcoholic is to be able to drink "normally"....it is the wish that they cling most closely to.....
Lady Diana was in a similar situation....it was a very short time till her Royal Weddng….all of England was in heavy preparation. She was having some doubts....especially, after she discovered that he had given a bracelet to his current wife...the one that the prince is now married to ….a bracelet described with a special love message. She confided in her girlfriends...and, she was told that it was too late...too much planning and the royal towels had already been monogramed!!
Overwhelmed with the thought of cancelling the wedding...she went through with it.....
Of course, we know that she went through years of misery before finally divorcing.....
After her untimely death, the prince married the one he sent the bracelet to.....
Your situation caused me to think of Lady Di's story....
In my experience, if something is already a problem before the marriage...you can count on it being many, many times worse after the marriage.....
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Chrysene- so sorry to hear this story and your situation.
I'm going to be short- this is up to you to decide. What kind of life do you want? Alcoholism is progressive so it doesn't "ease" - ie, the heavy drinking your fiance is doing now (and the things you have shared about what he has "done" to change) will only escalate. Are you ok with that? What about the life if he "just" keeps doing what he is now? And so on. This is honest core stuff and it's hard- but like others have said, this path is likely to lead to heartache and regret and NOW is when you have that decision.
There's SO much I could say here, and I know others will chime in, but in short:
Please study up (more) on addiction, even go to a (very) different therapist alone, and I can't recommend strongly enough that you postpone what sounds like a gravely difficult start to a marriage.
Best to you.
I'm going to be short- this is up to you to decide. What kind of life do you want? Alcoholism is progressive so it doesn't "ease" - ie, the heavy drinking your fiance is doing now (and the things you have shared about what he has "done" to change) will only escalate. Are you ok with that? What about the life if he "just" keeps doing what he is now? And so on. This is honest core stuff and it's hard- but like others have said, this path is likely to lead to heartache and regret and NOW is when you have that decision.
There's SO much I could say here, and I know others will chime in, but in short:
Please study up (more) on addiction, even go to a (very) different therapist alone, and I can't recommend strongly enough that you postpone what sounds like a gravely difficult start to a marriage.
Best to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
My suggestion would be to trust your instincts.... and it sounds to me like your instincts are telling you what you need to do. I understand that isn't an easy decision and I understand that you love your man... but love is only one element of a marriage. Love alone is not enough. Right now it doesn't sound as if you trust him not to go down a dark path... I went down that path with my qualifier... it almost destroyed me. Trust is essential in a healthy relationship. It's pretty impossible to trust an active alcoholic, and I'm sorry to say, that what you describe in your fiance, sounds like alcoholism to me.
I married my best drinking buddy... 2+ decades later I divorced the drunken father of my children. The last couple years leading up to the separation and the subsequent years spent getting legally divorced were the worst most painful years of my life. Our children, families and friends got caught up in that pain. I'd not wish that turmoil on anyone.
Your head and your heart can both lead you astray... what does your gut have to say?
Wishing for your strength and peace while you make your decisions.
I married my best drinking buddy... 2+ decades later I divorced the drunken father of my children. The last couple years leading up to the separation and the subsequent years spent getting legally divorced were the worst most painful years of my life. Our children, families and friends got caught up in that pain. I'd not wish that turmoil on anyone.
Your head and your heart can both lead you astray... what does your gut have to say?
Wishing for your strength and peace while you make your decisions.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Whether or not he is an “alcoholic” by clinical definition, he acknowledges he in fact does have a problem with alcohol and you also have a problem with his alcohol consumption. His history of stopping for 7 months only to return should be a great big red flag that “managing” his consumption is not possible. As most alcoholics cannot manage their addiction no matter what they may tell you.
Drinking issues, marriage therapy prior to even getting married, those are big red flags.
When a pill addict gets a prescription from a doctor for their drug of choice it’s as if they hit the lottery. Your finance has hit the alcohol lottery by finding a therapist who says he can drink.
At the very least postpone the wedding. As for how long until there is certainly, there is never certainty with alcoholics/addicts. If they do stop, they will always be one bad decision away from relapsing.
I don’t think your concerns are exaggerated at all. I think your gut instincts are speaking to you and that you wanted/needed validation that it is okay to trust it.
Drinking issues, marriage therapy prior to even getting married, those are big red flags.
When a pill addict gets a prescription from a doctor for their drug of choice it’s as if they hit the lottery. Your finance has hit the alcohol lottery by finding a therapist who says he can drink.
At the very least postpone the wedding. As for how long until there is certainly, there is never certainty with alcoholics/addicts. If they do stop, they will always be one bad decision away from relapsing.
I don’t think your concerns are exaggerated at all. I think your gut instincts are speaking to you and that you wanted/needed validation that it is okay to trust it.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I wanted this for him too, to be “normal”.
I am an alcoholic in recovery. I won't be drinking "normally" ever. Please Please don't encourage problem drinkers to, "Cut back, drink like a normal person." We aren't normal and we never will be. As it says in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and like I've seen in my life too many times, many alcoholics follow that wish into the grave - forever trying to drink like a normal person. It isn't possible for us.
Encourage complete abstinence, nothing less. It is the only way out.
If you aren't an alcoholic you can't understand this - but it is the reality.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Are your concerns warranted?
Absolutely.
Should you go ahead with the wedding?
Only if you are content to have the core of your relationship
revolve around alcholism/sobriety. Not trust, respect, and
mature love. Those are collateral damage in this downward
spiral.
At some point, if you aren't already there, you will be second in his life after alcohol. You will never possess control over it, or be able
to cure it - you didn't cause it.
Absolutely.
Should you go ahead with the wedding?
Only if you are content to have the core of your relationship
revolve around alcholism/sobriety. Not trust, respect, and
mature love. Those are collateral damage in this downward
spiral.
At some point, if you aren't already there, you will be second in his life after alcohol. You will never possess control over it, or be able
to cure it - you didn't cause it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Chrysene, here is a link to a recent thread you might be interested in...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ack-clock.html (Would you have left yur alcoholic partner if you could turn back the clock?)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ack-clock.html (Would you have left yur alcoholic partner if you could turn back the clock?)
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
Please, PLEASE do not go through with the wedding!! Do not legally tie yourself to an active addict. Whatever inconvenience it is to cancel is nothing compared to the misery of being married to an addict. We have no reason to lie to you. Please trust us.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 132
The issue is that he is not an “alcoholic” by clinical definition, but abuses alcohol. He has 2-3 drinks every night on weekdays, and 4-8 on weekends, mostly wine, alternating with a glass of water. Never belligerent, doesn’t get wasted, no DUI, not passed out, basically no classic external signs.
He is fully functional, excels at his job (finance), does all the house errands (above and beyond), which I appreciate as I have a demanding job (lawyer), etc. All the strong qualities of a great husband. He admits there is a problem with drinking, never denies it. .....
Thats not my idea of alcoholism. Dont know whether its a cultural thing or not because Im not from USA but in my country that would be fine. Anyway you are the one who has to live with him and if you are not happy then you are not happy.
He is fully functional, excels at his job (finance), does all the house errands (above and beyond), which I appreciate as I have a demanding job (lawyer), etc. All the strong qualities of a great husband. He admits there is a problem with drinking, never denies it. .....
Thats not my idea of alcoholism. Dont know whether its a cultural thing or not because Im not from USA but in my country that would be fine. Anyway you are the one who has to live with him and if you are not happy then you are not happy.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
It has been two days so far, I can tell he is trying, but teetering on the edge.
He has 2-3 drinks every night on weekdays, and 4-8 on weekends, mostly wine, alternating with a glass of water.
I once heard about a woman who cancelled her wedding because she found out that her ex, instead of going to work, had spent his days drinking instead. He went through the motions of going to a job he didn't actually have. She broke it off, and many people expressed respect for the courage that she displayed in her actions.
It's tough. And I'm sorry.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,616
Originally Posted by Chrysene
Are my concerns exaggerated?
The counsellor that specializes in addictions is very off base, you are correct if that is your gut feeling.
The bottom line here is he does not have a problem with his drinking, you do. I mean he obviously doesn't think it's what is best for him (or probably for your relationship, not sure what you two have discussed) so he has tried to quit. He wasn't successful with that and has gone back to exactly what he has been doing.
The fact that he cannot quit drinking on his own indicates a problem, whether he is an alcoholic in the "true" sense or not, he has said and you agree he has a problem with alcohol.
The other bottom line, if you decide to go ahead, please don't marry his potential to stop. If you marry him now be prepared to marry him drinking and all (ie: accept it).
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,616
You might find these two threads from the newcomers forum helpful:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-relapser.html (Never seen a “successful” relapser)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderation.html (My guide to moderation)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-relapser.html (Never seen a “successful” relapser)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...oderation.html (My guide to moderation)
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