Another forgotten birthday...
 

Been great friends (or so it seems) to what everyone says is an alcoholic (I am naïve when it comes to these things) for years. We get on great. She says some lovely things. She is a lovely person. Problem is she drinks about 7-8 cans of Bavaria lager each day no matter what. Comes naturally. I don't drink at all indeed I am more addicted to exercise than anything.

She lives abroad but is British. I go and visit as often as I can and we have gone from her living rough/no job to having a place to stay and a job. So we have got somewhere. I don't subscribe to the "rock bottom" theory as you cannot help someone that is dead and some die before rock bottom is reached. But the drinking remains and sometimes she doesn't eat for days.

So here we are. My birthday on Wednesday. No card. It's obviously Christmas and again, no card. I often send nice things over to cheer her up as all her so called friends have deserted her. Never or seldom (very very rare) send money obviously.

But I feel so down that not even a card. Wouldn't cost much. Lives near shop that sells cards and the post office is a short walk. Would mean so much to me but she is oblivious. I have made an excuse today that "I am feeling down so don't want to talk" and I will feel ok after Christmas but its horrible.

Happy to discuss.:dee

Stath…...receiving so little back, has got to feel just awful.....especially, on two important occasions...birthday and Christmas....
I would feel very sad and upset, also....

I'm really sorry. It hurts to feel unappreciated, unloved and not thought of.

Unfortunately, the addiction ALWAYS comes first.

Nothing , I can do or say that will Change the fact that alcoholics are SELFISH.

It’s all about ME!ME!ME!

I am sorry that you are hurt by your friend’s inability to reciprocate a basic human kindness.

What’s that sayin “ you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig.” Bottom line , we can wish them to be healthy, kind, sensitive, loving, caring, thoughtful..... doesn’t mean It will ever happen...

Take care of yourself, and Happy Birthday.

:bc4:hb4:hb3Happy Birthday, Stath……!

First...Happy Birthday!!!

Relationships with addicts are very often simply one way relationships. I am sorry as it's so hurtful.

I hope you go and have a good day today!

Happy birthday, Stath!!

I trust others to celebrate birthdays and holidays how they enjoy. A card, present or phone call from others can often be attached with a whole lot of unhealthy emotional strings. As I'm recovering from emotionally and psychologically abusive relationships, I've realized that healthy relationships do not require "proof" or certain things to happen to bring happiness to another. Happiness is an inside job.

It's great to celebrate life, each day and special occasions. I simply do it differently now, and am open to changes in how these come about. My granddaughter's birthday gift this year was a poem I wrote for her. Her parents were disappointed in me. That's okay. As I take new actions, trust my instincts and have a growing confidence in myself, I become a better grandmother, mother, wife and friend.

I used to send Christmas cards. Now I don't. Life changes.

Alanon, mindfulness and meditation have helped me embrace change, see opportunities and see good things about the present moment I'm in. http://www.al-anon.org

Have you celebrated your birthday yet? It's okay to keep celebrating it all weekend, if you like. :)

It's also healthy to keep in mind, alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholics aren't drinking "at" us. It's not personal.

If your friend was suffering from some other mentally and physically challenging disease, would you have the same expectations of her? (((hugs)))

It's okay to love and care about alcoholics. It's simply a very counter-intuitive disease that effects them and friends, family and co-workers.

No diagnosis of alcoholism is needed for the non-drinker to reach out for support. Al-anon, Celebrate Recovery and other programs are available to us. :)

I think that's normal for you to feel that way, but it's not going to help you.

The bottom line is, she is an alcoholic. Think of it this way, if you were drinking "7-8 cans of Bavaria lager each day no matter what", would you be worried about whether it was xmas or anyone's birthday? Probably not.

You can let this kick you around the block or you can accept that this person you are involved with is in active addiction and norms do not apply. If you are going to be involved with her you are going to need to detach from these behaviours because otherwise you will just get dragged down.

Don't try to apply the logical to the illogical perhaps.

Some good information here, in our stickies section, if you are interested you might want to start here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

Also these articles:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

A relationship with an alcoholic is not the same as one with a non-alcoholic and the more knowledge you have, the better. Of course not all alcoholics are the same, they are individual people, but there are some common threads in addiction.

And Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday TheStath!

Yes it certainly does stink when our friends let us down and forget important things like our birthdays.

You mentioned that this person lives near a shop that sells cards and that the post office is a short walk and cards are not that expensive, all normal thoughts. This is where our relationships with alcoholics are different because their thinking is not normal and usually not very healthy. And for us to have any kind of normal expectations from them is not realistic.

In active addiction there is no room for anyone else except the addict, it’s all about them, their needs and wants will always come first no matter what. It’s hard not to take it personally but this person is not drinking at you or because of you or to make you feel sad and down. They are drinking because they are an alcoholic.