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Can you be friends with someone your in love with (especially if there an addict). Just a general wondering that came up out of another thread. If your in love with someone but all they require is a friend, has anyone experience of being able to do this especially if they are an addict? Can you be friends only or is that settling. |
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
(Post 7057324)
Just a general wondering that came up out of another thread. If your in love with someone but all they require is a friend, has anyone experience of being able to do this especially if they are an addict? Can you be friends only or is that settling. Is it settling? Well if you are in a relationship with them you leave no room for a marvelous relationship with someone else. What is a 100% guarantee is that you will hurt yourself in the process. Perhaps ask yourself: 1. Why you would want to 2. Why you would purposefully hurt yourself so much And no I have never tried this and I would not. |
It's a good way to make yourself miserable.........there's no up side. |
I love my husband. I'm good friends with him. In his addiction he's not there. He's not the same person. I'm remaining in No Contact. How are you doing today? |
I found that I could be friends with someone I was previously in love with. However, it took a lot of time to get there, and if I slept with him, I didn't have a fighting chance. |
I wouldn't call it settling. I'd call it a complete waste of time and a great way to be miserable. Why would you want that for yourself? |
I found that I could be friends with someone I was previously in love with. However, it took a lot of time to get there, and if I slept with him, I didn't have a fighting chance. Finally, although it hurt like hell, I put a stop to the reuniting. I stopped all contact and ignored him when he contacted me, for nearly a year. I got involved with the wonderful man with whom I'm with now. The ex and I are friends, although I haven't seen him for years and don't expect to ever see him again. But we email now and then and it's a supportive, long-distance friendship. But - I am NOT in love with him anymore. Nowhere near it, which is incredible considering how I used to feel. So yes, it can happen, but not while you're in love and absolutely not if you continue to be intimate. If you stop, let things cool down, stay no contact until your feelings fade, a friendship is possible. |
You're the only one who can answer that for yourself, Glenjo. Can you? Please don't kid yourself about how hard that would be. You love someone, but they only want to be friends. You would spend time with them in a platonic way--all the while your heart and mind would want more. Every word or action would be analyzed to see if there was hope of something more, and every time nothing happened--hopes dashed again. Can you return to just friendly feelings? |
This sounds to me like opening yourself up to the possibility of having someone in your life in a new way even though when they were in it they weren't healthy. It kind of sounds like "if I just have ONE glass of wine." I say that because my thoughts occasionally go there. The I go back and look at the list I've written down of all the terrible things he did and check one more day off of my NC "achievement chart" (such a nerd). I can't even think of friendship right now. I need to focus on my recovery first. I think for me thinking of friendship would be worrying about his needs over mine all over again (and what I'm getting from him needing me). I wanna do something different. Do you? |
I love my husband in many ways, but I am not in love with him (huge distinction IMO ). I think we will be friendly after we sort all of this out. We are now and I hope to remain the same |
Glenjo, I've said this in the past about this same guy.. He's not your friend(and he is straight). You two hung out for a bit and "hooked up" once when he was coked outta his mind. You seriously need to let this "friendship" go and get on with your life. |
I absolutely think you can pretend to be friends but not for very long. It is kind of a living lie if you are super attracted to someone. Or another way to put it: it isn't really economically feasible as you would have to put so much energy into suppressing the attraction that any positive returns wouldn't pay back the input. |
The only circumstances where it works is when both parties are out of love with each other, and in no way emotionally dependent. In your case, you are still emotionally vulnerable, and he has something to gain. It doesn't happen that often because there are usually other partners in the mix. I am on good terms with my exH and spend quite a bit of time with him and his wife at family gatherings. In fact we'll all be camping together between Christmas and the New Year. I don't consider us 'friends' because I keep a little distance in respect for his second marriage. If his wife wasn't around I'd still be a little wary. |
Originally Posted by suki44883
(Post 7057413)
I wouldn't call it settling. I'd call it a complete waste of time and a great way to be miserable. Why would you want that for yourself? |
Originally Posted by Bekindalways
(Post 7057594)
I absolutely think you can pretend to be friends but not for very long. It is kind of a living lie if you are super attracted to someone. Or another way to put it: it isn't really economically feasible as you would have to put so much energy into suppressing the attraction that any positive returns wouldn't pay back the input. |
I like the quote: "Never make someone your priority when all you are to them is an option." I understand how you feel, Glenjo, and don't judge you for it at all. But this is a signal that you have a lot of work to do on the strength of your self-worth. That wasn't something *I* was able to accomplish while I was still hanging on for validation from the people who had rejected me before. It is scary to let go, but it's even scarier to hang on and never give yourself the chance to become someone new. |
Friendships are based on MUTUAL trust, loyalty, respect. Friends share common interests, support each, lift each other up. Friends cause no harm to each other. Friends apologize to each other if there happens to be a disagreement. Don’t see this fella having any of the above qualities to even consider him a friend. I think you trying to rewrite an ending to a story, that has already ended. Do you believe being friends with him., would somehow make it easier to let go? Are you possibly feeling guilty?do you believe you are abandoning him in his time of need? Are you holding on to wishful thoughts that he is magically going to be better soon? The can we be just friends thoughts running thru your head are keeping you stuck, it’s not healthy for you to dwell on this type of thinking.... Keep your focus on you, my friend. |
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
(Post 7057707)
In the interests if being honest and not saying what I think people want to hear, because it seems like being friends with him is next best thing. I know, sounds sad. Just to be clear, I'm not judging you at all either, I totally get this, understand. My only concern is that if you do decide to do this or to even start a relationship with him again, you could end up getting very hurt (again). Just to add to what Marie wrote about friendship. How is it that he can even ask you for your friendship while not displaying any of the character she listed? He abandoned you when you needed him and went silent. You rarely mention what you were like before the ex? Were you outgoing? You mention you used to go out with friends etc, do you still do that? Isolation is not a good thing. Perspective cannot be gained in a bubble. I'm glad you are posting here. How was your self-esteem before you met him? Were you generally happy in life and with your life? |
Funny, I was just having a discussion about something similar with someone last night. We were joking about a Matt Groening cartoon from the 90s, “Love, What’s Your Style”. We were talking about what’s more painful, no contact, or putting up with the pain of being involved with someone like this (friendship or otherwise). She was saying she thought the no contact was worse, and related to the part of the cartoon that said “it might be a passionately destructive relationship, but at least it’s passionate”. Basically for her, no contact felt like abandonment, which stemming from childhood issues, feels like death, and she’d rather have the craziness than the void, the nothingness (and yes, that begs the question, where is the void coming from and why is she filling it with an addict active in his addiction). For me, being in love with someone who is on a self destructive path, and can’t connect in an authentic way due to addictions and all of the underlying “issues stuff”, and dealing with the push- pull behaviors and all of the crap that comes with that, the lows for me in that scenario feels worse than abandonment (once you get through the initial awful beginning stages). So basically I’ve been able to stay friends with an ex who I’m not in love with anymore (not an addict), but anyone who “triggers” me, has addiction issues/ is emotionally/ developmentally arrested, and I have those “love” feelings for, I have to be very careful with, because really it’s the emotional equivalent of walking through a field of land mines. And when you are in love with an addict, let’s be real, I don’t care how much work a person has done on themselves or how strong one feels, that’s basically what you’re potentially doing to yourself emotionally, unless you have nerves of steel and are confident this person can’t trigger you or get at you emotionally anymore. I think it’s *very, very* important to pay attention to how you feel around a person like this, chances are you might have some highs, but the lows are usually right around the corner. |
You are worth far more than that. You deserve better. |
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
(Post 7057918)
You are worth far more than that. You deserve better. |
Glen, it just seems that you are willing to debase yourself just to be close to this guy. He isn't worth it. He is using you, and yes, you deserve better. I agree with Don't Remember...He's not your friend (and he is straight). You two hung out for a bit and "hooked up" once when he was coked outta his mind. You seriously need to let this "friendship" go and get on with your life. The only way you will get over him is to have absolutely no contact with him. |
Nope |
What common ground do you share with him? You are not an addict or alcoholic and most in active addiction don’t want to be around sober people unless of course they are a resource for something. Addicts lead lives of lies, they wrap themselves around deceiving others, how could a friendship with someone like that possibly be a benefit to you? |
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
(Post 7058026)
Thanks. I obviously have a HUGE amount of work to do on myself. If that is the truth and you are going to do it, for your sake don't sell yourself short and set yourself up with being faux "friends only". Be ALL in or ALL out. If you want a relationship with him then that's what you seek, not some side door entrance in to possibly starting a relationship again or God forbid friends with benefits (I even hate that term). |
Originally Posted by atalose
(Post 7058557)
What common ground do you share with him? You are not an addict or alcoholic and most in active addiction don’t want to be around sober people unless of course they are a resource for something. Addicts lead lives of lies, they wrap themselves around deceiving others, how could a friendship with someone like that possibly be a benefit to you? |
Originally Posted by Glenjo99
(Post 7058685)
Well he's attending AA here and wants to meet up to chat. I can't imagine (not an excuse) that all addicts lead lives of lies completely, surely there has to be some remorse (I know he didn't show me any for months). I suppose I'm wondering if I'm too hard, he is a good bit younger so that's a factor and if someone says he wants to be friends and is sorry it's hard to turn my back. Common ground, well we have similar sense of humour. Not to be a downer, but many of us wasted a lot of time doing the yo yo boomerang thing, so you probably won't hear what you want to hear from those who respond to your post. I hope it'll be different for you. At least you have the guy that you love back in your life. |
Just like the alcoholic who isn't done yet, the codependent can be the same. Until you are ready, there is nothing any of us can say that will convince you that you are better off without your poison of choice. Good luck. We will be here if it doesn't work out the way you hope. |
If I have this right, in about 10 days you went from this…….. He’s been in 4 rehabs in the last few months, got kicked out of two. He's very sick. 4 rehabs therapy etc but doesn't want it. All I know is I don't want all that stress, drama and crap again. I know as a Codependent this is probably not any of my business but I'm going to throw it out there anyway. Apparently he has decided while living with his cousin, that he will have 2 bottles of wine per day, to help prevent withdrawals and seizures He has no money so she is putting him up and will be buying this every day for him. She is a big drinker also but goes to work during day. So silly question but is she also codependent/enabling? Believing that your friendship with him would make a difference in HIS life, disregarding the unhealthy impact to your own. You want to believe that because someone’s husband said they saw him at one AA meeting you think now he’s on the right track and in a place where your friendship with him would work out. He’s found a nest where his addiction will be fed. He is living in an environment where his addiction will thrive. All of his actions – not words prove, show that his history of recovery is not something he actually wants, he talks a good game, says just enough to keep you on his hook and at the ready for his next resource. The fact you are caving to the whole “friend” thing shows your codependency is again in full swing. Just remember that when you chose to play on the tracks you can’t be shocked or surprised when your hit by the train. |
Sigh. I really WANT to say Yes Glen. And it is possible, so long as you are willing to absorb an unhealthy amount of sacrifice & emotional pain. I've been trying to make this work under completely different circumstances and no matter how much I want it to be easy, it's SO hard most of the time.... I'm speaking from the other side of this & again, there are a lot of differences but as it progresses it gets more complicated, not easier, no matter which part you play in the relationship dynamic. The potential on my side to abuse this person - who is definitely sitting somewhere on the codie spectrum - is huge. It's like holding a loaded gun to his head & we both struggle with ever changing boundaries & growing, unspoken expectations. If I wasn't recovering myself, this whole thing would have played out far differently & it's still a mess by more traditional standards. |
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