He's Gone
 

I just found out AXBF moved to Los Angeles about a week ago, just quit his job and left his daughter behind. I feel absolutely devastated. I still harbored hope that he cared, that he'd eventually become a part of her life somehow. Now, it seems as if none of it ever mattered at all.

It's tragic to see all the hurt they cause.

SaveHer....I am sorry to hear this and I understand how disappointed you feel.....
It becomes, as it always has, so essential that you always put your and your daughter's best welfare above all else, in this life....You can still find happiness and you can give her a life where she thrives....

Absolutely she can thrive!

In fact, while he is in active addiction, this is probably a good thing, the further away he is the better.

Who knows what will happen in the future, maybe some day he will clean up his act and get sober/seek recovery and he can then have a relationship with her.

For now, no baby needs an addict in their life really, I can't see the benefit there. I may be missing something, seriously.

What's your take on what he could contribute?

I am very sorry to hear this. I can imagined how terrible it must feel.

Currently, he has nothing of any value to contribute to our daughter's life. Unfortunately, the whole "it's for the best" platitude offers little solace at the moment.

The way I see it, there are three scenarios:

A) he keeps drinking and stays out of her life as has been the case for over a year now
B) he keeps drinking and is in her life
C) he stops drinking and is in her life

Now, I know that A is better than B, but C is the ideal, and I still had hope that it was a remote possibility. Now that he just left, with no notice and no goodbye thanks to a combination of the restraining order and his absolute lack of human decency, any small shred of hope I had left that he would do the right thing and try to be a part of our daughter's life is gone.

And it wasn't until today that I realized how much I relied on that hope.

You're heart must have hit the floor when you found out. It hurts to know alcohol comes first in their life. Before family, before their spouses, before their own flesh and blood. It hurts deeply. I'm sorry it came to this. Every child needs and deserves a dad who loves them unconditionally, in their life. I'm sorry your hopes and your heart are shattered. 😭

This only goes to show how powerful this compulsion actually is. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong for your child xx

Sorry you are going through this.

It can be fairly easy to see the logic in A is better than B, but C would have been better than either of those. Dealing with the feelings behind knowing he chose to make A the more definite option is completely another topic and so much harder. ((((hugs))))

We don't really know what's going on with someone else.

From what I understand, he has a restraining order against him, isn't allowed contact with your daughter and you have been stepping up in really healthy ways to protect her.

What support do you have for recovering from the effects of alcoholism/addiction/abuse?

(((hugs)))

SaveHer..…...I don't think that those of us who have walked in your shoes or been hurt by our alcoholics are trying to trivialize your pain....by giving mere "platitudes"...…
I truly believe that those, who take time to post, do so out of the desire to give feedback and support, because we do understand the disappointment and pain......

I am so sorry. I know your hurting. (((hugs)))

I come here when I am confused. I come here when I am hurting. And I come here because I know that my friends and family will never understand what I'm going through the way you all do. SR has been a godsend in my life.

What I do not come here for is to walk on eggshells and mince words when I'm already completely stressed out and in emotional pain. I am not here to offend people, nor do I wish to defend myself when people seem offended by the innocuous things I've said. I am disheartened by the misinterpretations of my posts.

Dandy, my use of the word "platitude" was not a criticism of any user's post. "It's for the best" is something I even tell myself when I can't handle the disappointment and guilt I feel as in...

I wanted a happy, nuclear family, but he didn't want it more than he wanted to drink. Oh well, it's for the best.

I wanted a healthy, sober co-parent, but he didn't want that more than alcohol either. Oh well, it's for the best.

I at least wanted the hope of him one day being a part of our daughter's life, but he just moved hundreds of miles away to be with some other woman and her daughter. Oh well, it's for the best.

I just feel responsible today, however irrational and antithetical to the truth that feeling may be; I cant stop thinking that I pushed him away, and if I hadn't gotten the restraining order, maybe things would have turned out differently. And I just need the support of people who can knock some sense into me and tell me it's not true.

[Knock] It's not true, friend.

Go ahead and grieve the person you wanted to him to be. I'm sorry, I know how painful this is, and I wish you didn't have to go through it.