He's Gone

Old 11-12-2018, 12:51 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
He's Gone

I just found out AXBF moved to Los Angeles about a week ago, just quit his job and left his daughter behind. I feel absolutely devastated. I still harbored hope that he cared, that he'd eventually become a part of her life somehow. Now, it seems as if none of it ever mattered at all.
SaveHer is offline  
Old 11-12-2018, 02:22 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's tragic to see all the hurt they cause.
hopeful4 is offline  
Old 11-12-2018, 02:31 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SaveHer....I am sorry to hear this and I understand how disappointed you feel.....
It becomes, as it always has, so essential that you always put your and your daughter's best welfare above all else, in this life....You can still find happiness and you can give her a life where she thrives....
dandylion is offline  
Old 11-12-2018, 03:07 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
trailmix's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,565
Absolutely she can thrive!

In fact, while he is in active addiction, this is probably a good thing, the further away he is the better.

Who knows what will happen in the future, maybe some day he will clean up his act and get sober/seek recovery and he can then have a relationship with her.

For now, no baby needs an addict in their life really, I can't see the benefit there. I may be missing something, seriously.

What's your take on what he could contribute?
trailmix is online now  
Old 11-12-2018, 05:50 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I am very sorry to hear this. I can imagined how terrible it must feel.
Sasha1972 is offline  
Old 11-12-2018, 09:22 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Currently, he has nothing of any value to contribute to our daughter's life. Unfortunately, the whole "it's for the best" platitude offers little solace at the moment.

The way I see it, there are three scenarios:

A) he keeps drinking and stays out of her life as has been the case for over a year now
B) he keeps drinking and is in her life
C) he stops drinking and is in her life

Now, I know that A is better than B, but C is the ideal, and I still had hope that it was a remote possibility. Now that he just left, with no notice and no goodbye thanks to a combination of the restraining order and his absolute lack of human decency, any small shred of hope I had left that he would do the right thing and try to be a part of our daughter's life is gone.

And it wasn't until today that I realized how much I relied on that hope.
SaveHer is offline  
Old 11-12-2018, 09:40 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Wamama48's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 681
You're heart must have hit the floor when you found out. It hurts to know alcohol comes first in their life. Before family, before their spouses, before their own flesh and blood. It hurts deeply. I'm sorry it came to this. Every child needs and deserves a dad who loves them unconditionally, in their life. I'm sorry your hopes and your heart are shattered. 😭
Wamama48 is offline  
Old 11-12-2018, 10:58 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 543
This only goes to show how powerful this compulsion actually is. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Stay strong for your child xx
Awal is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 12:18 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
PeacefulWater12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you are going through this.
PeacefulWater12 is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 09:39 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
It can be fairly easy to see the logic in A is better than B, but C would have been better than either of those. Dealing with the feelings behind knowing he chose to make A the more definite option is completely another topic and so much harder. ((((hugs))))
theuncertainty is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 10:03 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
We don't really know what's going on with someone else.

From what I understand, he has a restraining order against him, isn't allowed contact with your daughter and you have been stepping up in really healthy ways to protect her.

What support do you have for recovering from the effects of alcoholism/addiction/abuse?

(((hugs)))
Mango212 is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 11:09 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SaveHer..…...I don't think that those of us who have walked in your shoes or been hurt by our alcoholics are trying to trivialize your pain....by giving mere "platitudes"...…
I truly believe that those, who take time to post, do so out of the desire to give feedback and support, because we do understand the disappointment and pain......
dandylion is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 11:18 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
LovePeaceSushi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Southern US
Posts: 510
I am so sorry. I know your hurting. (((hugs)))
LovePeaceSushi is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 01:14 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
I come here when I am confused. I come here when I am hurting. And I come here because I know that my friends and family will never understand what I'm going through the way you all do. SR has been a godsend in my life.

What I do not come here for is to walk on eggshells and mince words when I'm already completely stressed out and in emotional pain. I am not here to offend people, nor do I wish to defend myself when people seem offended by the innocuous things I've said. I am disheartened by the misinterpretations of my posts.

Dandy, my use of the word "platitude" was not a criticism of any user's post. "It's for the best" is something I even tell myself when I can't handle the disappointment and guilt I feel as in...

I wanted a happy, nuclear family, but he didn't want it more than he wanted to drink. Oh well, it's for the best.

I wanted a healthy, sober co-parent, but he didn't want that more than alcohol either. Oh well, it's for the best.

I at least wanted the hope of him one day being a part of our daughter's life, but he just moved hundreds of miles away to be with some other woman and her daughter. Oh well, it's for the best.

I just feel responsible today, however irrational and antithetical to the truth that feeling may be; I cant stop thinking that I pushed him away, and if I hadn't gotten the restraining order, maybe things would have turned out differently. And I just need the support of people who can knock some sense into me and tell me it's not true.
SaveHer is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 01:17 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
Originally Posted by SaveHer View Post
And I just need the support of people who can knock some sense into me and tell me it's not true.
[Knock] It's not true, friend.

Go ahead and grieve the person you wanted to him to be. I'm sorry, I know how painful this is, and I wish you didn't have to go through it.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 11-13-2018, 02:33 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 415
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through... yes, by him moving away pretty much made you lose hope and that’s tough.
What I am always told (by folks on this site and others) is to acknowledge it and allow yourself to grieve, grieve the loss of your hope.
I have to allow myself to grieve over and over again (a little less as time goes on) the loss of my dream of a normal marriage and life without being riddled with alcoholism. It is what it is, move on and be the best for your daughter; but do allow yourself to feel.
Higs to you!
ScaryTime is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:58 AM.