I am slowly beginning to realize, all my attempts to contact him are doing nothing for me. I already know he won't respond, so I am not quite sure why I keep trying... I am not sure if it makes me feel better that I have tried or what, but some small sense of peace comes over me once I have an episode and get what I want to say to him off my chest. For now, there is still that part of me holding onto hope -- that things could maybe work out after time (like I've said before, I am a firm believer that if something is meant to be, it will be, and at the right time). Sitting on hope that an addict turns their lives around and becomes the person we believe they can become, especially an addict who is not ready to quit is like sitting in a car with no gas – you can stay there for as long as you want but it’s never going anywhere. |
Originally Posted by atalose
(Post 7014248)
How about this, when you have that feeling of just wanting to say what you feel you need to say to him, write him letter – just don’t mail it or email it. Write it all down as if you were speaking to him.
Originally Posted by atalose
(Post 7014248)
It’s always good to have hope but hope is never a plan. I think we all hope to one day win the lottery but in the meantime we still need to work and pay bills right? Sitting on hope that an addict turns their lives around and becomes the person we believe they can become, especially an addict who is not ready to quit is like sitting in a car with no gas – you can stay there for as long as you want but it’s never going anywhere. I don't know if this sounds selfish, but part of me wants to believe I would be worth getting clean for. I know, I know, it sounds dumb because if I was worth it, it would of happened already. I just really wanted to believe he would work on living a life with me, than resorting to just living a life without me if "the feelings I had when we were together and things were good were some of the best times of my life" --- directly quoted from him. I want to say I will be able to let go one day, better yet I know I will be able to, but I keep having this ONE nagging question in my head, the one things I so desperately want to understand and have closure for --- If I was his soulmate, why would he have brought another girl into his life? Even if it was JUST sex, was the sex with me not enjoyable or is it because I am not there anymore? I have never been cheated on before (well, this technically isn't cheating since we are separated) and it is just making me feel so low, worthless, and ugly... inside and outside. |
I don't know if this sounds selfish, but part of me wants to believe I would be worth getting clean for. I know, I know, it sounds dumb because if I was worth it, it would of happened already. Once addiction takes hold it becomes a way of life and lives in the same part of their brain that tells them to breath. I so desperately want to understand and have closure for --- If I was his soulmate, why would he have brought another girl into his life? Even if it was JUST sex, was the sex with me not enjoyable or is it because I am not there anymore? Well I don’t believe that anymore. I believe soulmates are meant to teach us, not complete us! He’s an addict doing what addicts do with people who’ll do it with them. He got a need met by someone, someone not so special but who happened to be there and made themselves available (a resource). Yes I believe it was just sex. It had nothing at all to do with you or your past intimacy with him. I understand your feeling of being cheated on but in no way at all should you compare yourself to this other person or think it has a dam thing to do with your worth or looks or anything. That’s the real sad part we face, when we have built our own worth around them and how we allow them to control how we feel about ourselves based on their ill thinking actions. It’s like saying someone high on drugs is ruling your life, and that should make you scared real scared. You are going to find yourself in your own time and once you do - look out world!!! |
I don't know if this sounds selfish, but part of me wants to believe I would be worth getting clean for. I know, I know, it sounds dumb because if I was worth it, it would of happened already. Have you read the stickies at the top of the forum? Alcoholism is a drive to drink that, unless you are an alcoholic or have some type of addiction you might find hard to imagine. He is not "not choosing you" he is choosing alcohol, there is a difference. I want to say I will be able to let go one day, better yet I know I will be able to, but I keep having this ONE nagging question in my head, the one things I so desperately want to understand and have closure for --- If I was his soulmate, why would he have brought another girl into his life? "When asking why it he did it, why it happened, he said that I would probably not understand male instinct to have sex, that since he was an addict, it wasn't just drugs he was addicted to. He was addicted to everything; cigarettes, coffee, sex, and has to have everything in excess". As for not understanding his "instinct", that's patronizing at best. He can justify anything he wants all day long. |
Originally Posted by atalose
(Post 7014280)
If it were merely just a choice like that there wouldn’t be any addicts or need for rehabs, detoxes, SR forums, etc. because it would be easy to just stop but that’s not the reality of addiction. Once addiction takes hold it becomes a way of life and lives in the same part of their brain that tells them to breath.
Originally Posted by atalose
(Post 7014280)
When I was younger I bought into that whole soulmate thing, you know the one Hollywood and society led us to believe that we all have someone out there who will complete us. Kind of implying that we couldn’t possibly be whole all by ourselves. Well I don’t believe that anymore. I believe soulmates are meant to teach us, not complete us!
Originally Posted by atalose
(Post 7014280)
He’s an addict doing what addicts do with people who’ll do it with them. He got a need met by someone, someone not so special but who happened to be there and made themselves available (a resource). Yes I believe it was just sex. It had nothing at all to do with you or your past intimacy with him. I understand your feeling of being cheated on but in no way at all should you compare yourself to this other person or think it has a dam thing to do with your worth or looks or anything. I cannot express my gratitude in your responses to my babbling posts, so thank you. It is really helping to hear advice from someone else, rather than trying to understand it on my own (which never ends positively, since I continue to think the worst). I kept thinking to myself, if I was special enough, he would not stray. If I was good enough, he wouldn't want anyone else. The more you use the term "resource", the more I am beginning to understand its meaning. To hear from an outsider that they too believe it was just sex, with no emotional attachment, helps me to feel better (I hope that doesn't sound selfish, or vain... my confidence has just been at an all-time low since I found out). The only thing is that this isn't even his worst relapse (out of all the ones I have encountered throughout these last 3 years). There has definitely been worse, way worse, where he didn't stray to another woman (narcotics abuse). Just wish I understood why it happened this time, while he is only drinking alcohol on the weekends (not a daily thing like the drugs were in the past). |
What helped me was to learn as much as I could about addiction. Not just reading about it in books but with hearing about it from people at meetings and especially here at SR. Education helps us to not take it personally. One of the things to remember with addiction is, it continues even when they are not consuming. It’s not like a switch that gets turned on an off, it basically stays on all the time. That is why a plan of recovery with help is extremely important once they chose to go through detox or go through rehab. Addiction is life long, it’s not something that can be cured with detox or rehab or 90 days of meetings. So it may help you to accept that it's not about you or anything you've said or done by checking out and reading other posts here on SR. You will soon see how so many of the relationships with addicts/alcoholics have similar traits and share pretty much the same experiences. You will come to understand that he is not unique but just like so many other addicts. And you will come to realize that you are not unique either but share similar experiences as so many others who have loved an addict do. |
Originally Posted by atalose
(Post 7014341)
What helped me was to learn as much as I could about addiction. Not just reading about it in books but with hearing about it from people at meetings and especially here at SR. Education helps us to not take it personally. One of the things to remember with addiction is, it continues even when they are not consuming. It’s not like a switch that gets turned on an off, it basically stays on all the time. That is why a plan of recovery with help is extremely important once they chose to go through detox or go through rehab. Addiction is life long, it’s not something that can be cured with detox or rehab or 90 days of meetings. So it may help you to accept that it's not about you or anything you've said or done by checking out and reading other posts here on SR. You will soon see how so many of the relationships with addicts/alcoholics have similar traits and share pretty much the same experiences. You will come to understand that he is not unique but just like so many other addicts. And you will come to realize that you are not unique either but share similar experiences as so many others who have loved an addict do. stay strong, it is NOT easy or fast occurring...heck mine had left me for two years and I had a whole new life.. stupidly let him weasel his way back in and for 2 years it was WONDERFUL until it wasn’t anymore... i hope you find this site as helpful as I do! I am recently back after several years because of how much support and sanity it puts back in my head |
The man himself has already given you the best advice "He tells me I need to let go of him because he is bad for me...." Boom, there it is |
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